It was their last half month together.
Shu Jin skipped class, then took a long vacation and stayed with Sheng Xinghe every day.
Shu Jin dared not look into Sheng Xinghe's eyes.
When looking at each other, he will look away, and when he speaks, he will not dare to put his eyes on his face, like if there is some treasure on the ground, he will keep his head down at any time.
He was in a trance all day, Sheng Xinghe tried to communicate with him several times and took him to do something he was interested in, but he was in a state of self-isolation. However, if Sheng Xinghe got angry and anxious, he would post it impatiently again, as if admitting his mistake and acting like a spoiled child.
"Brother. If you had good eyes, would you still like me?"
One night, he suddenly asked this question.
Sheng Xinghe was working on his work. Hearing this, he put the laptop aside and looked down at the person on the pillow: "Why are you asking that?"
"It's just an assumption," Shu Jin said.
Sheng Xinghe said: "This assumption does not hold, whether I like you or not, what does it have to do with my eyes?"
Shu Jin buried half of his face in the quilt and did not speak.
Sheng Xinghe also lay down, hooked his arms around Shu Jin's waist, and sighed: "What happened recently? Didn't you say you should stop thinking about your uncle?" After a while, he said, "However, I want to It's not the eyes, I probably won't be funded by my uncle, then we won't meet."
The quilt was warm.
The temperature of the two people melding together is greedy.
Shu Jin closed his eyes and kissed Sheng Xinghe's lips actively.
Shu Jin patted the pain. They haven't done it many times, and they can count them all with one hand.
As soon as he was hurt, he would be fooled. Sheng Xinghe wanted him to adapt well, so he often let him go, even if both of them were on the ropes, he would not endure it. In that half month, the number of times they did it accounted for more than half of the time after they were together. Shu Jin cried and hurt, and still didn't want to let him go.
Shu Jin did not go back to school, nor did he answer Shu Zhaoyuan's phone calls.
He thought about it seriously, just pretended that he still didn't know anything, that he was willing to shamelessly defy his conscience, and that the conversation between Shu Zhaoyuan and him had never happened.
But the world is so small.
In those last days of escaping the truth, he was forced to sober up.
Everything seems to be destined, so that those who should be punished can no longer escape their guilt.
- They were in this city and ran into the family by chance.
It was a very ordinary restaurant, Shu Jin felt better, and tasted the famous barbecue here with Sheng Xinghe.
When the waiter came to arrange the baking trays for them, he was obviously startled and said, "Really, what a coincidence, you came here to eat."
It was a boy in his twenties.
The same age as them.
He didn't call Sheng Xinghe's name, but Sheng Xinghe agreed and looked surprised: "Well, you work here."
The atmosphere was awkward.
They don't look like acquaintances, but they're not completely ignorant.
The boy placed the meat in silence and adjusted the heat.
Sheng Xinghe did not speak either.
The boy finally said: "...the meat will be fine when it starts to swell, be careful not to burn it. It will be better if you dip it in the sauce on the left, you can try it."
Shu Jin said "thank you" and the boy left.
When he left, Shu Jin asked who it was.
Sheng Xinghe poured him a drink, the relaxed expression on his face disappeared, and he said without emotion: "The family across from my house, the one who moved to study abroad, it turns out that he is already working."
Shu Jin suddenly remembered something, and sat there completely blank.
The roar in Shu Zhaoyuan's ear when he spoke to him half a month ago sounded again, and Shu Jin was caught in a cycle that belonged to him. No matter how he deceived himself or escaped, the truth was like a circle, waiting for him to confirm it again and again. .
Later the waiter changed and the boy never came to serve them again.
Shu Jin remembered that Sheng Xinghe once said, "That person didn't dare to see me. Every time he met me from a distance, he walked away."
Because of guilt and because he didn't know how to face the victim, even if he saw Sheng Xinghe again after more than ten years, and met Sheng Xinghe's gray eyes again, he would choose to avoid it.
That person's appearance was a gust of wind, not even an episode.
Shu Jin, however, could no longer feel at ease, and dressed up peace.
After they left the restaurant, Shu Jin went back there alone.
The boss said the man was in the back kitchen and the boy was cleaning the kitchen when he was brought in. In the early winter, the boy was wearing plastic boots and trousers, holding a cleaning tool that Shu Jin had never touched before and didn't know what to do with it, and frostbite appeared on the back of his hand.
Shu Jin went back to school without telling Sheng Xinghe.
He turned off the phone, went to Lingjiang alone, and found Shu Zhaoyuan.
When Sheng Xinghe was finally able to call him, he cried.
"Let's break up," he said. "It's me who hurt your eyes."
Sheng Xinghe's tone was calmer than he imagined.
When Shu Jin remembered it a long time later, he only felt that the period of time had passed very vaguely. Maybe Sheng Xinghe knew it before the phone call. He is so smart, how could he not notice the clues of Shu Jin's abnormal behavior.
Sheng Xinghe said, "No need to break up."
Shu Jin was crying.
Sheng Xinghe's voice also became distant: "No matter who hurt me, you don't need to break up with me."
"Shu Jin, give me some time."
"OK?"
Shu Jin couldn't remember whether he agreed or not.
They were in touch again, more than a month later.
Shu Jin made the call. He didn't ask Sheng Xinghe what he was thinking, or what Sheng Xinghe knew during these hours. He didn't even think that time passed so fast, it had already been a month.
He just told Sheng Xinghe, "I'm sorry."
He said, "I can't be with you anymore."
He said, "Let's break up, brother."
Thinking of Sheng Xinghe's kindness to him and the love he gave him, the shackles on his body became heavier, so even if Sheng Xinghe kept saying "wait for me when I get back" on the phone, asking him "where are you", "I don't agree" , he still insisted on making the decision.
"You still have a long life, I don't deserve it." He sat in front of the window, Puff squatted beside him, licking his tears.
He was crying like hell.
At night, Sheng Xinghe appeared at his home.
Shu Zhao was far away, and neither was his aunt. The house had already changed the lock, but Shu Jin didn't hear the dog bark.
"I don't agree to break up." Sheng Xinghe carried a chill from the outside, and he was more haggard than before, and his gray eyes were full of sadness.
He pinched Shu Jin's chin, and his eyes were red.
"It's hard, but we can overcome it!"
Shu Jin's eyes were very swollen, and he lost weight in a short period of time. Ren Sheng Xinghe looked at it, but he still had no room to turn around and said the truth: "It can't be overcome."
"do not you get it."
"From now on, every time I see you, I will think of your eyes because of me."
"It's me who harms people like you, and it's me who should avoid you! It's not someone else! I can't give you an eye, and I don't want you to see me again!"
"Even if we are together again, my love for you will be replaced by guilt in the future."
"I can't love you anymore."
Shu Jin had never seen such an expression on Sheng Xinghe's face, and he never knew that the gray stubborn eye could also shed hot tears.
"How do you know if you don't try?" Sheng Xinghe asked, "Do you remember the future we talked about? If you don't try, how do you know you will change?!"
Shu Jin broke away from him, retreated to the corner, and the puffs were screaming around him.
"I don't want it, and I don't want it anymore." He shrank into a small ball and said, "Go and develop your life."
"I don't want to waste time."
Seemingly hurt by this sentence, Sheng Xinghe's words were also harsh: "If I start my life, then you will not be in my life plan, Shu Jin."
No more buying a one-bedroom house together, cooking together, and raising a dog together.
In the future, the person who will accompany Sheng Xinghe will become another him, or she, Shu Jin doesn't know, in short, that person will no longer be him.
He said to Sheng Xinghe, "Okay."
At the end of the day, Sheng Xinghe asked him, "Have you ever loved me?"
He didn't give an answer.
On the phone, Shu Jin was silent for a long time.
Sheng Xinghe said that "there will be no next five years", and was silent for a long time, until Shu Jin thought he had hung up the phone, then heard him let out a long breath and asked, "Where are you?"
Shu Jin seemed to have come back to life, tears rushed out of his eyes, bit his finger to keep himself from crying, and tried his best to use a calm tone: "You don't have to come now."
He didn't want Sheng Xinghe to see the wound on his forehead.
Looking for an excuse to be afraid of Shu Zhaoyuan's anger, "It's inconvenient."
"Okay." Sheng Xinghe said, "Then I'll wait for you here, and call me anytime if you need it."
Shu Jin immediately said, "No need, it's so cold that you gave me your coat again. You go back first."
Sheng Xinghe changed his tone and seemed to chuckle: "Why, my clothes are so easy to wear, don't you want to return them to me?"
Shu Jin: "…"
Sheng Xinghe probably planned to wait for him, and didn't want to leave him here alone.
Before hanging up, Shu Jin called him, "Brother!"
Shu Jin hesitated for a few seconds, feeling very confused and confused.
He didn't know what to say, so he could barely squeeze out the words of panic: "I didn't."
The meaning of these three words is unclear, extremely irresponsible, and even he himself has not figured out what he wants to express.
But Sheng Xinghe listened and only replied: "Well."