Mu Nanzhi had never paid much attention to this. When Princess Jing'an suddenly mentioned it, Mu Nanzhi realized that Lu Zhishan was already in his forties, and she was inevitably a little upset for a while.
Princess Jing'an looked at Mu Nanzhi, paused, and then said cautiously: "Anle, I have always wanted to ask you, when do you plan to have a baby? It has been almost six years since you and the prince were married, right? Why have you been so long? …”
Before Princess Jing'an finished speaking, Mu Nanzhi naturally knew what she wanted to say, and immediately she became even more upset.
She put the tea cup back on the small table and whispered: "I actually never thought about these things, and my cousin has never mentioned it to me. Until now, my cousin is still taking medicine. See what he means. I don’t plan to have children for the time being.”
Princess Jing'an was astonished: "The prince doesn't want to have children? I thought it was because you were playful and didn't want to have children."
As soon as Princess Jing'an said the words, she felt that she had made a mistake. She was busy and added: "Anle, I didn't mean that. I think you are small-minded, and I'm afraid you don't want children yet."
"I actually..." Mu Nanzhi was a little confused. After a long time, he lowered his head and continued, "I actually don't really want children, at least not yet. Maybe it's like you said, I have a small mind."
Princess Jing'an asked cautiously: "But you are already twenty-five now. If in a few years, your health is not as good as it is now, and you want to have children by then, wouldn't it be more troublesome and laborious? Although you have only been in your thirties. It’s good for you, but it’s more harmful to your body. It’s naturally not as good as your current health. You have to think clearly.”
Mu Nanzhi didn't answer. She turned her face and looked out the window. The back garden in late autumn was a bit desolate. The golden ginkgo trees made it look even more desolate elsewhere.
"Jing'an," Mu Nanzhi turned her face away after a while. She looked at Princess Jing'an and said softly, "I don't really want children."
"Why?" Princess Jing'an blurted out, looking puzzled, "Don't you want to give birth to a child for the prince? Anle, don't you love the prince?"
"If loving him has to be measured by whether I am willing to have a child, how can I not be willing to give birth to him early on?" Mu Nanzhi held her lips and took a shallow sip of tea while saying He said slowly, "Jing'an, I think I'm... a little abnormal and twisted. I've always known it, but I don't want to think too much about it."
Princess Jing'an did not speak, she sat quietly across from him and waited for Mu Nanzhi to continue.
"I have been particularly afraid of my mother and my father since I was a child, especially my mother. She actually treats me very well. She has mended my clothes and fed me. She will protect me when I am bullied. , but I can never get close to her. The older I get, the more afraid of her I am, because as long as I can remember, I have known that I was the child who was going to be sacrificed. In fact, I can remember very early, too early. Normally, many things that I want to forget are remembered more and more clearly," Mu Nanzhi said calmly, without any fluctuations in his voice, or even emotion, "When I just knew that I was going to be sent to Dali to be a hostage, I There was no shock or anger at all, because I knew early on that I was the one who was going to be sacrificed. Maybe my mother loved me too, but she loved Shan'er more, or maybe there was something else in her heart that was more important. Important things, for those things, she is willing to abandon me, I should hate her, hate her for why she brought me to this world, hate her for making me hate marriage, and letting me experience something early before joy blooms. It’s fear of pity.”