He Yan never thought in the past that there would be such a difficult time in life, that it would be so difficult to take one more step forward and not be able to take it.
She hadn't seen the moon for a long time.
After she lost her sight, she has been living in a daze. Xu Zhiheng comforted her and would always be by her side. He Yan also smiled and said yes, but no matter how calm she was, she was still dazed and fearful. She has faced many difficulties in her life, and most of the time, she just stood up with a breath and told herself that it would be good to take this step. Before I knew it, when I looked back, I had already taken many steps.
Only this step, she can't get over it, and she doesn't know how to get over it.
No longer General Feihong, He Yan, who became Grandma Xu, is just an ordinary woman. An ordinary woman suddenly lost her sight. Although her husband still treats her well, it seems like a flower in the water, with an illusory perfunctory. She can't feel it.
On Qixi Festival, she sat in the mansion until late at night, and did not wait for Xu Zhiheng to come back. I thought it was because of something in the court, but I found out the next day that Xu Zhiheng accompanied He Wanru to the temple fair on the first day. She groped and sat down under the window in the room, quietly listening to the gossip of the maid outside.
"Yesterday, the uncle and the wife quarreled, and the quarrel made the master know it. The master is in a bad mood, and we, the servants, are unlucky, not because of the guy in the east courtyard."
"If you want me to say, the uncle is too soft-hearted. This guy from the East Court is blind now, how can the eldest grandmother of our Xu family be blind? It's not a joke. Madam has even pushed the banquet outside the past few days. Well, I just don't want others to ask about it."
There was a little maid who couldn't help but speak for her: "Grandma wasn't born blind, it's already very pitiful for her to be like this all of a sudden."
"Poor? What's so pitiful about her? Even if she's blind, she can stay in the house every day and be served by others, at least she has enough food and clothing, how is it different from that pet. The poor uncle, who is young, just I want to be tied up with this blind man for a lifetime. Our uncle is unparalleled, what kind of woman can't be found? Why do you want to find such a person?"
"Yes! Uncle is pitiful!"
Words like these seemed to have sharp hooks, and they were drilled into her heart one by one, and she was dripping with blood.
She sat in the room at night, waiting for Xu Zhiheng to come back, and said to him, "Let's reconcile."
Xu Zhiheng was startled, and asked warmly, "How do you say such a thing?"
"Or you can leave me." She didn't like to go around, to be honest, "Now that I can't see, there is no need to drag you down."
"You and I are husband and wife," Xu Zhiheng held her hand and said, "Don't mention these anymore, rest early."
He diverted the conversation, but did not deny He Yan's word "drag".
He Yan's heart gradually sank.
Every day after that, she lived a day where she wore clothes, opened her mouth to eat, and stretched out her hands, and often heard the secret ridicule of the servants in the house. When Mrs. Xu talked to her, she was also holding a gun and a stick. Inside and outside of her words, He Yan was a drag on the Xu family.
Xu Zhiheng still treats her tenderly, but there is nothing else but tenderness.
He Yan felt very tired.
She seemed to be walking on a dark night road with no pedestrians beside her. She couldn't see the light in front of her, and there was nowhere to retreat behind her. She didn't know when she would come to the end and end such a tortured life.
A few days before the Mid-Autumn Festival, she said to Xu Zhiheng: "I know the Yuhua Temple on the Lianxue Mountain. There is a fairy tree in the temple that is very spiritual. Can we go to the mountains during the Mid-Autumn Festival? I want to hang silk on the tree. Make a wish, maybe my eyes can be healed."
Since she became blind, she almost never asked Xu Zhiheng, Xu Zhiheng was stunned for a moment, and finally agreed. He said, "Okay."
Xu is when people are unlucky, drinking cold water will jam their teeth. In previous years, the Mid-Autumn Festival was sunny, but this year, it rained for days. When the carriage came to the mountain, the sky was so gloomy that it was impossible to go down the mountain that afternoon. Maybe a night in the mountains.
Xu Zhiheng helped her to go up and down in the temple, and a monk put a red silk in her hand and told her where the immortal tree was behind the temple. He Yan rubbed the red silk to thank the man.
The monk clasped his palms together and said kindly, "If one hundred thousand kalpas do not perish the work done, and when the karma meets, the retribution will be self-rewarding."
She didn't understand Buddhist scriptures, and she had to ask again, but the other party had already gone far.
When it was raining, Xu Zhiheng accompanied He Yan to the fairy tree.
There is a stone table and stone bench beside the fairy tree, for the pilgrims who usually come to hang red silk to write. Xu Zhiheng spread red silk for her, put the pen in her hand, and said, "Write it."
Based on his feeling, He Yan slowly wrote: I hope I can still see the moon.
You don't have to think about it, you know that the handwriting must be crooked and miserable.
After writing the words, she handed the red silk into Xu Zhiheng's hands, and Xu Zhiheng hung the fairy tree for her. He Yan couldn't see anything, so she didn't see it either. Her husband stood up and hung the red silk on a branch near his elbow. There was no shelter from the rain on the tree, but for a moment, the red silk was soaked by the rain, and the handwriting on it quickly became a blur of ink stains, and it was difficult to see what was written.
"Let's go." Xu Zhiheng came over and helped He Yan leave.
"Boom", a fine thunder sounded, and suddenly a cool wind blew, making the branches rustled. The red silk that had not been tied was blown off by the wind, and smashed into the small pit of water, splashing all over muddy.
He Yan seemed to be aware of it, and asked worriedly, "The wind is so strong that the silk won't be blown away, right?"
"How?" Xu Zhiheng smiled in relief: "It's very tight." After that, as if he didn't see it, he raised his foot and stepped over the red silk.
…
The rain showed no signs of stopping, so I had to stay overnight in the mountains tonight.
Xu Zhiheng went to the master of Yuhua Temple to discuss the scriptures. It was already evening, the lights were lit in the room, and He Yan sat quietly.
Originally, at this time, she should have collapsed and rested - a blind man, there is nothing to do except sleep and eat. But tonight the rain was sparse, she couldn't sleep, and she didn't know what time it was. She called the maid's name twice and no one answered, so she walked out slowly against the wall, planning to call someone.
As soon as he walked to the door, he heard two maids talking.
"I seem to have heard the grandma calling someone just now?"
"Is there? Call me, don't worry, it's so late, what do I tell people to do. I'm already blind and tossing, I really think I'm a grandma."
He Yan was startled.
These two maids are not her personal maids, they are in Xu Zhiheng's house. They are usually the most gentle and gentle, and because of Xu Zhiheng's relationship, they have always treated her with respect and respect.
"If it wasn't for her going up the mountain today, we wouldn't have to spend the Mid-Autumn Festival here. It's still raining outside, which is really unfortunate. The uncle has a good heart, so he won't be annoyed with such a fuel bottle."
"It's not that you don't know the temperament of the uncle. On the surface, you are not angry, but you always have grudges in your heart. Our Xu family has become a joke in the capital now. The uncle has always been arrogant and arrogant, and it feels very uncomfortable to think about it. If I were her, He was hanged on a rope, so as not to drag others down."
"Shh! This is nonsense!"
The maid who spoke disagreed, "It's like an animal, waiting for people to feed every day, sleeping when it's full, and being served forever. I can't go out of the house, and I can't see it, and my life is boring. Wei, it’s fine for a year or two, and it’s going to be like this for a lifetime, so what’s the point of living? It’s better to die early and get rid of it early, and you can see it if you promise to give birth to a good child for the rest of your life.”
"Don't say it, there is hot water outside, let's go get some hot water first."
The footsteps gradually faded away.
He Yan turned his back to the door and slowly slid down and sat down.
That's right, it's just a year or two, it's going to be like this all your life, what's the point of living
The servant girl in the master's house, whoever the master looks at, will not dare to trample on anyone. Since the two of them can talk about her so casually, they can see that Xu Zhiheng is not as free of complaints and regrets as she is in front of her eyes.
But in this world, there are few people who can do it without regrets.
He Yan didn't know if there were any lights in the room. For her, it was all the same darkness. Suddenly there was a feeling of despair. He practiced martial arts when he was young, went to school when he was young, and later went to the battlefield to compete for military merit, and he spent his life making wedding dresses for others. After finally taking off the mask, I thought that everything could start from scratch, but at this time I fell into darkness, and I was trapped in a house with four corners for the rest of my life, and people followed every step.
Human despair does not accumulate overnight. Those little things in daily life eat away the enthusiasm of the whales, the enthusiasm is exhausted little by little, the disappointment and the heavy layer are layered, and the last straw falls lightly, with a squeak, hoping to sink to the bottom.
Despair is overwhelming.
She groped and stood up slowly.
There was a belt left over from her clothes in the room. She grabbed her outer clothes and put it on, picked up the bamboo pole she used when she lost her sight, and walked out the door tremblingly.
There were few people in the mountain temple, and because it was dark and raining outside, the monks had already entered the Buddhist hall. She walked all the way indiscriminately without bumping into anyone else.
Thanks to the habit of reluctantly developing an amazing memory of the road when he joined the army. She still remembered what Xu Zhiheng told her when she went up the mountain that there was a dense forest in the mountain stream not far from the temple. Suspended waterfalls, like pearls falling on a plate, are magnificent and beautiful.
There are mountains, water and trees, which is not bad, but unfortunately it is raining tonight, and there is no moon that she likes.
It is always inconvenient for a blind man to go out, especially on a muddy mountain road. She didn't know how many times she fell and tripped over rocks. I just felt that my clothes were soaking wet and my hair was messed up. By the end, out of breath, I had no idea where I was going.
She fell in front of a tree and knocked her head against the trunk. He Yan stretched out his hand and groped for it. The tree was very big, it should be an old tree.
There is a dense forest with waterfalls, which is probably impossible to find, just here. She has never cared much about foreign objects, and it took her a long time to move to a stone.
Exhausted, He Yan sat down on the stone.
The rain is a little smaller, and it hits people densely. The young woman looked up at the sky, as if she could see the moon. Only the rain slid down her cheeks, and she wiped the water from her face.
"Don't make a boat on the river, don't make a river on the moon."
"The boat carries people to leave, and the moonlight people leave."
She has nothing to love about this world. The only regret is that there is no moon tonight.
He Yan stood up slowly, touched the cloth at hand, the cloth was tightly tied, she pulled it down, it was very stable, and it should not break.
kicked the stone away.
…
The cloth that was twisted into a rope snapped.
He Yan was caught off guard and fell to the ground.
The mud on the ground splashed on her, she was stunned for a moment, and suddenly realized that the cloth was broken.
Did it break
For a moment, in her heart, it was difficult to suppress the inexplicable grievance and grief, she choked for a moment, then sobbed softly, and then she fell on the ground and cried loudly.
He Yan rarely shed tears.
As a general, crying is an act that affects morale. On the battlefield, she will always maintain her self-confidence and full of energy, as if no one or anything can affect her judgment. When I don't want to be a general, I want to cry again, and I feel that I am hypocritical.
But there are always times when people are vulnerable. You can hold back when you are left out, you can hold back when you are blind, you can hold back when you hear the maid taunting and ridicule, and you can hold back when your mother-in-law hints that you are a fuel bottle.
But if she couldn't even seek death, and even cut off the cloth, she would not be able to bear it anymore.
Tears were scalding hot, and big droplets ran down his cheeks into the soil under his body, making it impossible to tell which was rain and which was tears.
She cried heartbreakingly, and suddenly, she heard an unfamiliar voice.
It was a man's voice. In the wind and rain, the voice was low and pleasant, with a bit of impatience, and asked, "What are you crying for?"
He Yan's crying stopped abruptly.
Xiao Jue looked at the woman in front of him.
This is a woman seeking death, with embarrassment written all over her body. He was wearing a white undershirt, but he took a red outer garment. The outer garment even had the belt turned upside down. Perhaps he had fallen a lot on the way, and his clothes had ripped through a few holes. Her face was also filthy, like a tabby cat, with mud everywhere.
Xiao Jue came to love Jie, only to find this scene very dazzling, and finally couldn't help taking out a white handkerchief and handing it over.
The woman didn't answer, took a defensive posture and asked, "Who are you?"
He was surprised for a moment, noticed that the other party's eyes were a little wandering, thought for a moment, put away the veil, squatted down and asked, "Can't you see?"
The woman was stunned for a moment, and replied fiercely: "Yes! I'm blind!"
Said arrogantly.
Fei Nu stood behind him and was about to step forward, Xiao Jue shook his head gently at him.
He Yan clenched his fist vigilantly.
I just wanted to hang myself quietly, how are you now, the cloth is broken, and a stranger sees the embarrassment. Why does God always treat her so unexpectedly
Xiao Jue glanced at her lightly, then bent down to pick up the flying knife on the ground, just now, he used this to scrape the cloth on the tree.
"What do you want to do?" He Yan asked.
Xiao Jue: "Passing by."
He's really not a good-hearted man who likes to meddle in his own business.
To do this step, has done the best. Xiao Jue stood up, turned around and walked away. After a few steps, Fei Nu approached and whispered: "Today, there are only Hanlin scholar Xu Zhiheng and his wife in Yuhua Temple. This woman should be Grandma Xu who was blind some time ago. Yan."
He Yan? He raised his eyebrows, He Rufei's sister
Xiao Jue turned to look.
The woman has already groped to find the cloth that was cut in two. The cloth is not long, but it is still usable if it is broken in two. She first gestured twice with half of the cloth around her neck, and determined that it could still be used, so she trembled with the cloth to tie a knot.
She actually wanted to hang herself again.
Xiao Jue was a little unbelievable, and after that, he wanted to laugh.
This kind of obsessive, almost stupid energy, is very similar to her cousin.
Most people want to die, but it is just a moment of self-will, relying on one breath to hang themselves and jump off a cliff. As for the moment, most of them will regret it in their hearts, but it is too late.
Since this woman has already tasted the taste of dying, when she will not seek death again, she did not expect to be so persistent, and she will continue if the rope is broken.
He shouldn't care, no one can stop a man who wants to die.
However, in Xiao Jue's mind, it suddenly appeared that many years ago, on such a Mid-Autumn Festival night, the teenager returned to the house in an uneasy manner, but what was waiting for him was the cold body of his mother.
The scene in front of him seemed to overlap with the past, and for a moment, he couldn't tell which day it was today.
Fei Nu was behind him, looking at him puzzled.
Xiao Jue took a deep breath, finally compromised, walked over to the woman, and asked, "Why are you seeking death?"
He Yan was startled.
She had clearly heard the footsteps of the other party's departure, how could she suddenly turn back? She has been compromising all her life and being manipulated by others. Now that it's coming to an end, she no longer wants to think about others. This person's meddling has made her unhappy, and she is full of anger on the other side.
She almost yelled back: "I want you to take care of it!"
The young man grabbed her arm and dragged her off the ground.
He Yan was shocked and struggled twice, but she had stumbled and lost her strength and couldn't see. She was dragged away for a while, walked two steps, was dropped, and sat on the ground.
The ground is soft and grassy.
The man seemed to be standing beside her, bending over to face her, his voice cold: "Why do you seek death?"
He Yan was also full of anger in his heart, and said loudly: "I told you to take care of it! There is no moon today, so I am seeking death! The road up the mountain is too slippery, so I am seeking death! Seeking death! I met a nosy person like you here, so I seek death! Is it alright!"
She shouted fiercely, but tears rolled down her face. She was a fierce tiger, but it looked more like a wet cat with nowhere to go.
Fei Nu stood nervously behind Xiao Jue.
It is very rare that Second Young Master Xiao is willing to be patient and meddle in this kind of business. It is even rarer that this woman is so fierce.
After He Yan finished shouting, he suddenly felt something wipe his face. Soft and dense as the clouds torn off by a spring day.
Indifferent, with a hint of imperceptible, inclusive and warm comforting sound.
"If you really want to be strong, it doesn't matter if you are blind. Even if you are blind, you can still be the most different among the blind."
Her rage came to an abrupt end.
All the embarrassment and weakness have nothing to hide, all exposed in front of people.
"It's nothing, although I can't see it, I can still hear it. With you by my side, I'll be fine." She said to Xu Zhiheng with a smile.
How could it be okay
How could it possibly be okay
She traced her eyes with her fingers over and over again at night, praying to God that she would see the light again the next day. Those nights that tossed and turned, the nights that gritted their teeth and told themselves that it was okay, the nights that pretended to be nothing and couldn't be alone, they didn't know.
They don't understand anything.
A passing stranger understands.
You can't cry, you can't be seen as weak, you can't complain, you can't lose your temper. It's been too long, so long that these emotions are like silkworms spinning, wrapping her into a sturdy cocoon layer by layer. She sits alone in a cocoon, cut off from the outside world.
He Yan outside the cocoon is gentle, optimistic, always smiling and thinking of others. He Yan in the cocoon was in pain, grievance, and suppressed all the cries for help.
For so many years, from "He Rufei" to "He Yan", her mask has never been taken off.
Until tonight, a passing stranger saw through everything, took off her mask, and found her tears.
All her precautions and vigilance were instantly deflated, and she slowly lowered her head, tears falling even more.
Originally thought that after saying this sentence, He Yan would not cry anymore, but she didn't expect her to cry even louder. The rain showed no sign of stopping, and the grass under him was already soaked by the rain.
Xiao Jue hooked his fingers, and Fei Nu stepped forward. He took the umbrella in Fei Nu's hand and put it on He Yan's head.
He Yan still didn't stop.
He had never seen a woman who was so fierce, bad-tempered, and especially capable of crying. It was hard to imagine that He Rufei, with such a silly and happy temperament, would have such a completely different sister.
Xiao Jue was stunned by the crying, unable to bear it any longer, and finally said, "Don't cry."
"Why can't I cry," she argues like a wild cat who doesn't know what to do, showing her claws to the feeder, her voice hoarse, "I not only cry, I want to die, I have already done this, What's the point of living, woo woo woo woo..."
Xiao Jue: "..."
He has never coaxed a woman before, is this the result of coaxing a woman for the first time? So oil and salt do not enter
"What on earth do you want to stop crying?" He held back his anger, "so that you won't continue to hang yourself."
He Yan sobbed and cried. When she got here, she actually had no intention of seeking death. Sometimes people just get stuck at that juncture. If they pass, they pass, and if they can't pass, they can't afford it. This passerby came out inexplicably, and that sentence was not too warm, but...
However, she didn't want to die.
She said: "If you can give me a piece of candy now, I will not seek death."
When I was young, I liked sweet things, but after the age of five, Mrs. He Da took great care of her. Afraid of being exposed, the habit of being addicted to sweets like a girl should also be changed. Later, after joining the army, there are no sweet candies in the army, only rough and dry cakes. After getting married, He Yan saw that He Wanru was ill once, and Xu Zhiheng went to see her and brought her a small box of candied fruit.
He Wanru took a sip of the medicine, and Xu Zhiheng put a candied fruit in her mouth. He Yan saw it when he passed by the window, and for a moment, a sour feeling floated in his heart. He didn't know whether he was envious of Xu Zhiheng being so good to He Wanru, or he was envious of He Wanru being able to get a lot of sweetness by eating a little bit of bitterness.
He Yan has never been willful, but tonight, for some unknown reason, he seems to want to maximize his willfulness on this stranger.
The young man was slightly startled, and looked sideways at the people around him.
The woman's face was rubbed a few times with the handkerchief, her cheeks were still muddy, her eyes were slightly red and swollen, but surprisingly bright, and her stubborn expression seemed familiar.
It looks like some clumsy boy.
He was silent for a moment, and his slender fingertips removed the sachet from his waist.
Fei Nu was surprised.
The dark blue bag was held in his hand, he pinched the bottom of the bag, and a sweet-scented osmanthus candy wrapped in candy paper was poured out.
After too long, the candy paper has been stuck with the candy, and the original appearance cannot be seen in the darkness. After Mrs. Xiao died, Xiao Jue carried the last sweet-scented osmanthus with him. Over the years, this candy accompanied him through many difficult years. When you can't take it any longer, look at this candy, it seems that you can taste a little sweetness in the world.
This is the only sweetness in his life, and now, he will give it to a woman who is crying and wants to die. He thought that he no longer needed sugar in his life, so that's it.
He Yan felt that something was stuffed into his hand.
She clenched it subconsciously and wanted to peel it off.
"Can't eat." The man's voice sounded beside him.
"What?" she said, "are you lying to me? Just find a rock and tell me it's sugar?"
He Yan heard the other party's voice, with a touch of disappointment, "This candy is the last one left in the world. It's very sweet, but you can't eat it."
"Are you ill?" He Yan never knew that she was such a person who was able to make an inch. She thought that this person must be very good-natured and soft-hearted to tolerate her repeated nonsense, she said: " It is very sweet and inedible, there is only one in the world, is this a gift from His Majesty?"
She didn't see that the handsome young man sitting beside her bowed his head and smiled indifferently, and said, "It's more precious than what was bestowed by the royal family."
Taking advantage of the other party's inattentiveness, He Yan quickly tore off the candy wrapper and stuffed it into his mouth.
"You..." He was stunned.
"I already ate it, swallowed it!" He Yan was playing a rogue.
The other party did not answer.
This was the first candy she had ever received in her life, and the taste of the candy was weird, mixed with her tears, so bitter, she thought, so be it.
"Has the rain stopped?" She didn't feel the rain falling on her body, she reached out and scratched randomly, asking the people around her.
The young man beside him has been kneeling on one knee, holding an umbrella for her, the umbrella is not big, most of his body is already wet, the angular profile of his face, the eyelashes are stained with fine drops of water, and his eyes are filled with light. Gentle tenderness.
"Stopped."
"Is there a moon in the sky?"
The sky is dark, and there is not a trace of stars, where did the moon come from
He replied, "Yes."
"What's it like out there...?"
"The moon is like frost, the wind is like water, and the scenery is infinite."
He Yan showed the first smile of the night, "It's good."
She heard the person beside her ask, "Don't want to die?"
"forget about it."
"Go home if you don't want to die." He said, pulling He Yan up. He Yan subconsciously wanted to grab his hand, but that slender hand with well-defined joints had been released very quickly.
Xiao Jue walked up to Fei Nu and whispered, "Send someone to the sister-in-law's room and ask the sister-in-law to send it back. I'm a man, so it's inconvenient to come forward."
Fei slave should go.
When he was about to leave, he suddenly added another sentence: "Warn Xu Zhiheng and tell him not to go too far."
This is meant to stand out for He Yan.
Fei Nu came over and wanted to support He Yan. He Yan seemed to sense that the other party was about to leave, and reached out to the person's direction. She said, "...Thank you, who are you?"
He didn't speak, and He Yan only had time to grab the corner of a sleeve and slip it out of her hand. It was cold and soft, like moonlight.
Obviously she couldn't see anything, but she saw the light in a trance, warm and cool, hot and bright, without the slightest blame, patient, tolerant, saw through all her secrets at a glance, and wrapped her tenderly.
She didn't even know who she was in the end.
It was He Yan's worst Mid-Autumn Festival, covered in mud and unkempt, and it was only a tiny inch away from the desperate situation. Fortunately, the moon was always by her side.
There was no moon that night, but the moonlight that night was so beautiful, that thin, soft light that had been warming her for many years.