- Li Wei's mother, Lin Hui, died of dystocia when she was giving birth to him.
So what he once said, the mother who immigrated to Canada when he was very young and would come back to accompany him whenever he encountered some difficulties, was all his own imagination.
Janet, the mother in his mind, has a nice English name...
Li Wei's paranoia is very serious, not only auditory hallucinations, but also accompanied by deeper hallucinations.
In a previous life, after Li Wei committed suicide, his psychiatrist Michael accepted a mental health talk show, in which he talked about him.
Michael said that Li Wei didn't realize until he was an adult that he was likely to have delusional disorder, the most severe type of delusional disorder with hallucinations.
This kind of perception is very scary, and no one can accept it, especially for someone like him with great self-control.
For a time, he could not accept the fact that his mother died many years ago, let alone his terrible schizophrenia.
He began to be unable to distinguish between reality and delusion, and the whole person became extremely sensitive and neurotic. Since then, he has doubted that all the reality around him is false, and even doubted the authenticity of the basic theoretical physics he studied, and doubted the existence of scientific truth.
The worldview guides the methodology, and has firmly believed in the materialist worldview for nearly two decades. After experiencing the horrifying visual and auditory hallucinations, cracks began to appear.
The collapse of faith is an irresistible storm for him, who originally existed alone in this world, enough to destroy all cognition and persistence.
He had no memory of everything in the world, and he lost the only faith in his life, how terrible...
So, in his sophomore year, Li Wei suffered severe depression several times, and began his first psychotherapy and struggle against the disease.
After that, he took a semester off from school, and all his studies and research work were suspended.
The blank of that semester, so far no one knows where he went. No one knows how he survived in those days, how he told himself over and over again that the world is real, and only he himself had problems.
But when he came back, he found a way to escape and suppress his mental illness, and resume his studies with difficulty.
Fortunately, the other side of mental illness is his insight and perception of the world that is a hundred times better than others.
His research went well.
When he was a junior, Li Wei made a very important breakthrough in the field of dual entanglement entropy with his amazing scientific talent. He published a PRL, which received astonishing citations in just a few months, and caused a sensation in the entire theoretical physics community.
The article was voted the most important advance in the field in the last decade, and many couldn't believe that the first author of the article was a third-year undergraduate student.
Later, he was successfully admitted to Stanford as a full-award PhD, received a doctorate within three years, and was hired as a full professor by Princeton University after only one year of postdoctoral work after graduation.
Behind the scenery and sensation, for him, there is a darkness with no hope in sight. Can't break free, can't escape, it's like stepping on a single-plank bridge over an abyss, and a slight error is irreversible.
Michael said that due to the busy scientific research work, he did not have the mind to calm down and think about his life, and subconsciously suppressed his mental illness and controlled it with drugs.
The effect of drugs on delusional disorder is very limited, and it has certain damage to his memory and judgment. The dose was increasing day by day, but his mental illness was getting worse.
It was not until the age of thirty-five that he finally made a huge breakthrough in the subject he had been studying for many years, and won the Nobel Prize in Physics that year in one fell swoop.
As a result, everything that had been suppressed before broke out. After repeated efforts and failures, he, like his father, chose to end his life.
The day before the awards ceremony, he committed suicide by cutting his wrists in the bathroom at home. Zhang Man had seen a coded picture on Weibo, with a large and bright red background, which once caused her to fall into nightmares night after night.
No one knew whether he was in despair or relief at that time.
- He once said that he had a hunch that one day the darkness would completely engulf him.
- The human world is like a vast universe, not every planet can be fortunate to complete all the evolution and collapse safely and steadily. There are some people who are born unfortunate. They tossed and stumbled all their lives, trying their best to live in this world, but they were forced to a dead end again and again by fate.
He can't escape.
…
The weather in September is changeable. The daytime is still the scorching sun, but now it is lightning and thunder, and the violent storm is coming suddenly.
It has been hot and humid for several days, the water vapor in the air is saturated, and the temperature plummets as the rainstorm comes.
The night outside the window is as black as ink, and there is no moonlight on such a rainy day. Many pedestrians outside were caught off guard and ran around, trying to find a roof that could shelter from the rain. In this heavy rain, everyone can only compromise and stop for a while.
Except for time.
Time walks unhindered, rain or shine, it is the most ruthless, repeating forward and abandoning, never stopping.
The screen window in the room was half open, and the slightly cold wind rushed in, bringing a burst of icy cold steam. Zhang Man raised his hand to cover his eyes, tears streaming down the corners of his eyes, wetting the pillow.
She knows that she has never been a brave and intelligent person, but she is a little bit more persistent than others.
One day, she will be able to pull him out of his own world, five years if he can't in one year, ten years if he can't in five years.
- Fortunately, there are still nearly twenty years.
But now, Li Wei is completely unaware of his delusional disorder. In his consciousness, his mother will come back every time he needs her.
The trigger this time should be the apology letter that needs the signature of the parents.
His paranoia can actually be found in many details.
For example, Zhang Man carefully compared the signature on the apology letter, and the handwriting was actually the more delicate version of Li Wei's own handwriting.
Also, his kitchen was spotless, there was no trace of cooking at all, not to mention that there were two takeaway boxes thrown in the trash can.
But often people with this disease will unconsciously ignore some unreasonable things, even if they are such a logical and meticulous person like Li Wei.
Therefore, it is very difficult and extremely dangerous for him to discover this by himself, and it is easy to cause a huge blow to his mental state, just like in the previous life.
Thinking of all the possibilities, Zhang Man fell asleep in a trance, his temples sore and sore. That night, amid the roar of thunder that never stopped, she began to have nightmares again and again. Half of the background in the dream was dazzling bright red, and the other half was terrifying darkness.
Just like in the past.
. …
After a night of heavy rain, the sultry weather was a little fresher. Several sparrows stopped on the windowsill and chirped, making a loud noise.
Zhang Man felt wrong when he woke up. The sunlight outside came in through the window, and even with his eyes closed, he could feel the debilitating and uncomfortable scorching heat.
She was completely weak, had a splitting headache, and her throat hurt as if there were countless knives hidden in it.
Don't talk about getting up, I have no strength to move.
Damn, it should have been heatstroke outside yesterday, and I came back after blowing the fan for so long. Later, it was raining outside and I didn't close the window, so I caught a cold. She called out in a daze, and Zhang Huifang came in from outside and reached out and touched her forehead.
"Zhang Man, what are you doing, your forehead is so hot? When I came back yesterday, I found out that you fell asleep without closing the window." Zhang Huifang's palm was burned, and she patted her flushed cheek, her tone a little anxious .
Zhang Man opened his mouth to explain, but his throat was so hoarse that he couldn't make a sound.
Zhang Huifang took out a thermometer from the medicine cabinet on the bedside table and put it under her armpit. After a few minutes, she picked it up and saw that it was thirty-nine degrees eight.
"It's burning too badly, Manman. Can you still hold on? Let's go, I'll take you to the hospital." She put her hands under Zhang Man's arms, picked her up from the bed, and helped her get dressed. .
Zhang Man was stunned, his thinking became unclear because of the fever.
Man Man.
She seemed to have not heard Zhang Huifang call her that for a long, long time.
I vaguely remember that when I was young, Zhang Huifang would also hold her, dress her up beautifully and take her out, and call her so affectionately when introducing her to friends. But then she became more and more silent, and the relationship between mother and daughter became cold.
The chaotic thoughts didn't last long, and she fell into a coma.
. …
Zhang Man was awakened by a burst of crying. She opened her eyes and found that she was in the infusion area of the hospital. There are a dozen or 20 single beds in the whole big room, some of which are empty, but most of them are hanging bottles.
The one who was crying was a child on the opposite side who was getting an injection. He turned his head in fear and didn't dare to look at the needle in the nurse's hand, and cried with his mouth open.
The smell of disinfectant in the air was very strong, and she was a little uncomfortable with it. She turned over and coughed, and her head was still a little groggy.
Zhang Huifang was lying beside her dozing off. She was awakened by the movement of her turning over. She raised her head, and her voice was pleasantly surprised: "Zhang Man, are you awake? Do you want to drink water?"
Zhang Man nodded and sat up in a daze. She raised her hand and found that her left hand was also dripping.
Zhang Huifang went to the water dispenser in the ward to pick up a glass of water, helped her sit up, and fed her a small half glass.
"Want something to eat? I bought fried noodles and wontons." Zhang Huifang pressed the corner of her mouth with a tissue.
Eat something... oops!
The drowsy brain suddenly woke up, and Zhang Man remembered that she promised Li Wei yesterday that she would cook for him earlier today. She hurriedly stood up from the bed and wanted to go out wearing her shoes, but was pulled by Zhang Huifang.
"Why are you going? Don't look at what time it is now? It's burning so badly, what are you messing with? Be honest, it's not over yet."
Zhang Man was stunned for a moment, the fluorescent lamp above her head dazzled her eyes, and only then did she realize that it was already night, and she had slept all day...
Her heart twitched, and her whole nerves began to tense.
I don't know if Li Wei will always be waiting for him at home hungry. He should be so stupid, right