- "Boyfriend, don't belittle yourself, you are my whole world to me."
"Don't think about who will replace you in the future. If I lose you, I will lose the love of my life."
After Zhang Man finished speaking, the boy hugged her tightly, unable to speak any more.
The best way to love someone is not to tell him how much you love him, not to tell him how much you have paid for him.
The most shocking thing is to let him really feel how much you need him and how important he is to you.
She even said that he was irreplaceable to her.
Perhaps Li Wei used to think that Zhang Man was just a beautiful first love, fortunate to have it, but to lose it. He never thought that he would be so important to her.
This importance is like the rope tied to a kite, which makes him uniquely implicated in this world.
This importance made him begin to understand that every decision he made did not only affect himself.
He finally understood her mood.
He wants to hold his Manman in his hand forever, so that she won't be hurt in any way, Manman has been running around to find him these days and has suffered so much.
At this moment, the young man suddenly realized how outrageous he was in the past.
He thought he was leaving without saying goodbye so as not to hurt her, but he did not know that the decision he made without authorization was fatal to her.
"Manman, I'm sorry..."
He was full of remorse and had nowhere to vent the guilt and distress in his eyes. He could only rub the girl into his arms with all his might. It seemed that the pain and guilt in his heart could be relieved.
Zhang Man finally breathed a sigh of relief.
She could feel it, he understood.
So from now on, at least he won't make decisions behind her back. As long as he discusses everything with her, everything will be easy to talk about.
After many days of running around, she was really exhausted. She raised her smile and rubbed the boy's cheek with her forehead: "Okay, I will punish you to wash the dishes."
He obediently and obediently packed up the two leftover dishes and went to the kitchen. Zhang Man leaned against the door and looked at him.
This kind of picture is too homey, which makes her feel full of security. With him, every little thing, no matter how ordinary, is warm.
Zhang Man watched the boy put two porcelain bowls into the sink and turned on the faucet.
Why haven't he seen him for a few days, he seems to be a lot clumsy, and he doesn't know how to roll up his sleeves when washing dishes.
Zhang Man smiled and shook his head, unable to bear it any longer, he walked over to help him roll up his sleeves, but was cleverly avoided by the young man.
"Manman, the kitchen is not clean, you go to the sofa and wait for me, okay?"
He smiled and said to her, his face did not look any different, his hands were dipped in the rich foam of detergent, his sleeves covered his wrists, and a lot of foam was stained with the action of washing dishes.
Zhang Man squinted his eyes, and the sensitivity in his heart flared up again.
She grabbed the boy's hand and rolled up his sleeves forcefully, but in the next second, her heart throbbed so hard that she couldn't breathe.
On his clean and powerful arm, there are all cuts made by knives, with different depths and angles, and some of them are even staggered on the arm.
Obviously all new wounds.
Some of them had purplish red scabs that had not fallen off, while others were open with flesh, and a little blood was oozing out.
It's too hideous.
How can a person hurt himself like this
Her heart kept falling, her right hand trembled and grabbed his arm, she didn't dare to look at the wounds again.
She raised her head, bit her lip, and looked straight at him.
This scene was so terrifying, it made her jaw tremble uncontrollably, and she got goosebumps all over.
Can't even ask.
The young man panicked and wanted to break free from her hands, but Zhang Man really exerted a lot of strength. If he struggled again, he might hurt her.
The two were deadlocked for a long time, and Zhang Man first conceded defeat.
Who is this hurting
There were a few scars on his arm, and a few on her heart.
She was no longer in the mood, let go of him uncomfortably, walked to the living room by herself, sat down on the sofa, and weakly grabbed her hair.
The temples throbbed "suddenly", and the image reappeared in her mind, and she couldn't get rid of it.
The empty bathroom, the snow-white tiles, the huge mirror, the bathtub stained with blood, and the man lying in it with a pale face and no trace of anger—the appearance didn't change much from when she was a teenager, she could tell it at a glance.
Is his hand soaked in the bathtub, as it is now, scarred and covered with different depths of knife edges.
Did he try the one that was too deep in the end and ended his life after many attempts.
is that so
So, if she finds him a little later, he will be like the previous life
Zhang Man covered his mouth.
This new year, why is this, this is obviously the first new year they have spent together, why does she feel so tired.
She was trembling uncomfortably, when suddenly her feet were in the air, and she was picked up by someone by the waist.
The boy went around her back with one hand and her legs with the other, picked him up from the sofa, walked through the spacious living room, and walked up the stairs.
He packed a room on the second floor, where he has been living by himself these days.
The boy pushed open the door with his shoulders, put the girl in his arms on the soft big bed, and lay on his side beside her.
"Manman, don't be sad, it looks terrible, but it doesn't feel anything."
He brushed away the long hair that covered her entire face and kissed her on the cheek softly, trying to appease her.
Looking at her like this, the pain in his heart was many times stronger than the vague pain in his arm.
Zhang Man lay there and let him play with it, as if a big hole had been slashed in his heart, in such a winter, there was an icy wind.
She gritted her teeth, trembled and said to him, "Li Wei, remember, if you die, I can't live either."
Tried it once, didn't it
In her previous life, she encountered a mudslide less than a year after his death.
Zhang Man never dared to recall that day again.
It rained heavily that day, the last day of her three-month trip.
She was ready to go home, because she found that travel seemed completely useless to her.
Not rescued in the slightest.
Every time you go to a scenic spot, you will encounter different people and things. People on the road are always more open than colleagues and friends in work and life. They come from all over the world, and no one knows who's past, so it's easier for them to talk to each other about some of the torments they encountered in life.
But she didn't.
Every day, she quietly listened to their stories and became the most perfect and gentle listener among some strangers.
She listened patiently, and occasionally gave some comfort. Many people she met during the trip thought she lived a simple and happy life, but no one knew that she fell asleep in anxiety every night. As long as she closed her eyes, Or the endless nightmare, and the boy who stood in the depths of the darkness and reached out to her desperately.
The same day, she booked a flight home from Chengdu, and she made an appointment with a few ALICE friends to take the bus from Dujiangyan to Chengdu.
When the car passed the remote winding mountain road, a terrifying landslide occurred. The car was forced to retreat sharply and hit the huge rock behind. The whole body was knocked sideways and hung on the edge of the cliff, shaky.
It wasn't that he fell off a cliff in an instant.
All the passengers screamed desperately, the fear of death is not an individual catastrophe, but a form of living beings.
The driver immediately opened the car door and let everyone escape. Everyone squeezed to the door, for fear of falling into the abyss with the car.
Unfortunately, the door was blocked by a few stones, and it took a long time to climb up.
Her seat was very close to the car door, and the people sitting next to her had already crowded to the door, and at the moment when the door opened, they desperately climbed on the big stone at the door and escaped.
If she had rushed out without hesitation, she might still have a chance to survive.
But when she stood up and was about to squeeze towards the door, the body suddenly trembled violently, and her center of gravity was even more inclined to the bottomless cliff after this bump. She turned around and saw that there were many people behind her.
Those people's eyes contained such a huge and clear fear. There was even a woman holding a child, crying and trying to hand the child forward, hoping that the person in front could save her child.
At that moment, she thought of the young man who had left her forever, and suddenly felt tired. She didn't understand what was the point of squeezing with them so desperately.
It seems that she is not as afraid of death as they are, so why bother with them
The body trembled again, she fell back to her seat, gave up struggling completely, and closed her eyes in a trance.
…
If he is still dead in this life, what should she do
When the boy heard her words, he was stunned for a long time before he realized that she had such a misunderstanding.
He was sad and distressed at the same time, watching the girl in front of him look more and more empty, raised her head, and eagerly kissed the corner of her lips.
While kissing, I eagerly explained.
"Manman, I'm not trying to... I'm not trying to kill myself, I just want to control myself not to think about people or things that don't exist."
With difficulty, he said what he knew was ridiculous.
"It's said that pain can stimulate people's nerves. I just want to try it when they come."
These days, he sees Nick and Janet all the time, and their presence reminds him that he's a lunatic who can't control himself.
A lunatic who would most likely hurt her.
But he was still lucky, he still wanted to work hard to become a normal person, and then...
Then maybe one day, he will be able to come back to her again.
Go back to the girl he loves the most and spend a long life with her.
So how can we get rid of those false control and become a normal person
When people are insane and have fantasies, their thoughts often become simple and direct. Since a strong pain can make a person get out of the dream, can it also help him get out of the delusion? So every time he saw them, he would try it.
It was extremely effective at first.
Whenever the sharp blade cuts through the skin, the sharp, stimulating pain can make him wake up for an extremely short period of time, and once he wakes up, the delusions will cease to exist.
He used to be ecstatic about it.
Subconsciously, humans are animals that seek advantages and avoid disadvantages. With continued training, the brain will gradually accept such cues—there will be delusions and pain.
In the long run, he may be able to control himself and stop delusional thoughts.
Unfortunately, this method gradually became ineffective after a few times.
He actually got used to the pain and the irritation caused by the ice-cold knife tip piercing the skin.
Even the wound was so deep that it was dripping with blood, and it no longer had any effect.
"Manman, I'm not trying to kill myself, you see, my wounds are all on my arms, not close to the arteries... I just, I just don't want to let myself get out of control."
I just want to be able to hug you again one day.