Jiang Cheng forced himself to believe that people actually needed to talk.
Although I often feel that I don't want to talk, I don't want to move, I just want to be so stuffy, suffocated, afraid that even the slightest movement will stir up the sand under the calm water.
But the same words and thoughts keep lingering in my mind over and over again, leaving a trace every time I encounter them, back and forth, slowly accumulating, and finally turning into a mountain that cannot be climbed.
Open your mouth, speak out, hear your own voice, hear every word, every word in your heart clearly, what you are thinking, complaining, wronged, angry, puzzled... at the moment you open your mouth From now on, just pull away sentence by sentence, and what remains at the end is the direction in which you were buried in the deepest part.
In the last week before the final exam, Jiang Cheng went to University B to find Xu Xingzhi three times in a row.
"It's not psychological counseling, right? You can chat with me," Xu Xingzhi said. "You talk, I'll listen."
There are some words that can be said in the face of a relatively unfamiliar person, and Xu Xingzhi is a perfect listener for Jiang Cheng's venting talk.
He didn't even give any advice, just listened quietly, answering once or twice.
Jiang Cheng felt that what he said in a month was not as much as in the past few days. He never thought that he was holding so many things in his heart.
"I'm not afraid of being denied. I haven't been affirmed much since I was a child. When I affirm myself, I have to listen to myself. If I say I'm good, I'm good," Jiang Cheng hugged the cat and placed it on the cat's stomach. He grabbed lightly, "How much I have done for him, if one day it will be erased, it will be erased, I don't care, I don't want him to remember me, remember me well, how good I am I know it myself, I don't need him to know what I did, what I'm going to do, because I want to."
"Thousands of gold are hard to buy, I am willing." Xu Xingzhi said.
"Well," Jiang Cheng squeezed the cat's paw, "but I know why he is, I always wanted to ask why, why why? Later, I thought about it, there is no why, how did he grow up, and what environment did he grow up in? Yes, what he is most afraid of is not earning anything, because he knows what it feels like to have nothing to earn. Giving up on himself is his best way to protect, whether it's protecting himself or protecting others... This is the first time I've said this. Say it? I feel like I say it every time?"
"I didn't pay attention," Xu Xingzhi smiled, "I said important things three times, and kept saying the most important things... Your voice is a little better today."
"It's a lot better. The split voice has returned to the voice of a male duck." Jiang Cheng took a sip of tea and looked down at the squinting cat, "It should be fine when we have a holiday..."
"You said that day you still wanted me to meet my sister, right?" Xu Xingzhi reached out and hugged a passing black cat from the windowsill, put it on his leg and rubbed its fur.
"Well, I know about this, it's just... It's very difficult for you," Jiang Cheng bit his lip, "but right now I really have no other way, I really like the little girl, and, even if there is a dick Progress can also give her brother hope."
"I can go, but if I go, he doesn't agree?" Xu Xingzhi said, "After all, the reason you two are like this now is because he doesn't want you to make no money."
This sentence made Jiang Cheng frown.
Every time he talks to Xu Xingzhi like a surging river, he actually avoids this detail.
No, it's not the details, it's the source of all his confidants.
It was avoided by him. Although he did not avoid it deliberately, he did it subconsciously.
He said himself, Gu Fei, he could explain all the whys, my whys, his whys.
Like an old fairy who has seen everything through the world.
But he suddenly recovered when Xu Xingzhi said "now you two are like this", and once again faced the reality of him and Gu Fei.
No matter how much you say, how much you explain to yourself.
They eventually broke up.
Since that day, they haven't had even a second of contact.
Gu Fei's circle of friends has not been updated again.
Jiang Cheng's circle of friends would still be updated frequently, but it had never posted any content that only Gu Fei could understand the second level of meaning.
No more selfies.
Jiang Cheng leaned on the back of the chair and lit up the screen of his mobile phone.
The lock screen and desktop are still Gu Fei, and the background of WeChat chat is also Gu Fei, but he has been turning a blind eye.
Gu Fei's familiar photos and faces in his field of vision were all blocked by him unconsciously. The photos and videos stored in his phone were full of photos and videos, and he never clicked them again.
It wasn't until now that he was brought up with fresh pain and sighed softly. Those who abused the dog were tortured by himself now.
"I think you need to have a clear understanding of several issues." Xu Xingzhi looked at him.
"En." Jiang Cheng put the phone on the table.
"First, Gu Fei may refuse the treatment, second, the treatment may not be effective, because the previous judgment was that he did not see anyone," Xu Xingzhi said in a calmer voice, "Third, you When you have the time and you are willing, I will give you an anxiety test..."
"Are you afraid that I will be depressed?" Jiang Cheng smiled.
"No," Xu Xingzhi said, "but you are very anxious now."
"En." Jiang Cheng sighed.
"There is another very important point," Xu Xingzhi said, "I remind you as a friend, don't put your hope of reconciliation on your sister, this kind of exchange mentality is not good for both of you."
"I understand," Jiang Cheng nodded, "Thank you."
He himself has been trying his best to read psychology books for a long time. Usually, if he asks Xu Xingzhi if he doesn't understand something, he will help to explain it.
Jiang Cheng knew that his current state was not good, and he kept everything in his heart, even if he talked to Xu Xingyi for an hour.
The current state is probably - I understand the truth, but why does my heart hurt.jpg.
But for him, the voice can speak, sleep can fall asleep, it is very satisfied.
Especially the ability to fall asleep, continuous insomnia can really make people collapse.
"You still eat that capsule, wait until your sleep is adjusted." Zhao Ke said.
"En." Jiang Cheng responded.
The sleeping capsules that Zhao Ke mentioned were still a little useful. He had insomnia before the college entrance examination, so he took this. Jiang Cheng had insomnia for a while, so he recommended it.
One pill before going to bed. It’s a health-care medicine, and it’s not like a sleeping pill, but I don’t know if it’s a psychological effect or if it’s really useful. Anyway, Jiang Cheng was able to fall asleep before two o’clock.
As long as he can fall asleep, his face is so bad during this time that the counselor has talked to him and asked him if he is under too much pressure from study.
He still wanted to go back to the steel mill during the Chinese New Year. He didn't want people to see that he lost a love and lost himself. It was too shameless.
I don't know what Gu Fei's situation is now.
How is it at school.
How about at home.
Has the lens been replaced with a new one, and is there any money for a new one
What about cell phones? I haven't posted on Moments. Is it because I'm in a bad mood, or is my phone really broken and I haven't bought a new one
Still taking pictures? Are you taking Gu Miao out to skateboard
Are you still laughing
As long as one of these thoughts pops up, it will quickly spread into a large area, and it will be unstoppable like a virus multiplying.
Jiang Cheng jumped out of bed, grabbed a refreshing candy from Lu Shi's table and stuffed it into his mouth.
Lu Shi's refreshing candy is not bad. Once you put it in your mouth, you will be refreshed and refreshed within two seconds, which will make you feel refreshed.
However, compared to the food Gu Fei gave him before, it was still not strong enough.
Gu Fei.
Gu Fei, Gu Fei, Gu Fei.
Hold.
Jiang Cheng angrily took off another piece of candy and stuffed it into his mouth, but he didn't hold it, it was bitten into pieces, and it seemed like it was about to be torn off from the throat to the Tianling cover.
Jiang Cheng wiped away the cold tears.
Cool.
"You guys are on vacation so early? A week earlier than others?" Li Yan squatted on the steps in front of the store, playing with his phone.
"Yeah," Gu Fei dipped his cigarette, "If the usual classes were arranged as tight as other schools, I could have a vacation last month."
"Kaisong is pretty good too," Li Yan took a photo of him with his phone, "It's less stressful."
"Don't use my photos to post on your Moments." Gu Fei said.
"Don't worry," Li Yan said, "If I want to send it, I will send it in groups, and I won't let ... see it."
"En." Gu Fei responded.
Although this was his request, he didn't know why, but when Li Yan really did it, he felt a little disappointed, and the ties between him and Jiang Cheng, if there was no connection, were broken bit by bit.
"Did Sister Xin introduce you to a very good fashion photography?" Li Yan continued to play the game, "She said you still have to think about it, what should you think about? With so much money, I don't even think about it if I take off my clothes and take pictures. ."
Gu Fei squinted at him.
"What? My figure is not bad, and I'm not afraid of showing off." Li Yan said.
Gu Fei took a breath and continued to squint at him.
"I know that Jiang Cheng's figure is in your eyes..." Before Li Yan finished speaking, he looked at Gu Fei for a while and then moved aside, "I just said it smoothly."
Gu Fei looked at him without speaking, and stared for a while before turning around and continuing to look at the snow on the road in a trance.
"Da Fei," Li Yan said, "I've always felt that those things written in the book, the eyes that can kill people, are all nonsense."
"It was originally." Gu Fei said.
"No," Li Yan said, "I just saw it, and I feel like you can kill me with a single eyeball. It's very... scary."
"You weren't killed by my eyeballs," Gu Fei took a breath. "You died of talking too much."
"You can't do it at all." Li Yan probably couldn't get through this, turning his head to look at him a little unhappily, "It's like you've been captured every day."
"Just don't keep mentioning him every day," Gu Fei said, "If you can't keep your mouth shut, don't run to me all day long, aren't you in a relationship, hurry up and fall in love."
"I said it twice last week, and I said it the other day when I was eating Big Bones," Li Yan kept glaring at him, "I'm single now."
"Oh." Gu Fei responded.
"Fuck," Li Yan looked at the time, "I'm leaving, I'm looking for dinner, you die."
"Go away." Gu Fei said.
After Li Yan left, Gu Fei was stunned for a while, then turned around and entered the store.
Liu Li built a stove by the back door, and was roasting sweet potatoes over a charcoal fire, while Gu Miao stared at the sweet potatoes attentively.
Gu Fei thinks this person is amazing. Smoking is not allowed in the shop, but he can bake sweet potatoes on the stove.
But now the store is owned by other people, so people have the final say.
"Here." Liu Li took a small plate and gave Gu Miao a baked sweet potato.
Gu Miao took it, gave him a bow, turned around and ran out, hitting Gu Fei directly.
"Slow down." Gu Fei gave her a hand.
Gu Miao held the plate to him.
"You can eat," Gu Fei said, "Brother is not hungry now, I don't want to eat."
Gu Miao didn't move, she held the plate persistently until Gu Fei took the sweet potatoes from the plate, and then she took the plate back to the stove to wait for the next one.
"How sensible." Liu Li said.
Gu Fei didn't say a word, leaned against the cashier counter and blew the sweet potato in his hand, looking at Gu Miao's back.
Although he had cut off contact with Jiang Cheng for a long time, he could never return to his previous life.
He looked at Gu Miao, Liu Li, his mother, the steel mill, and the people around him. It was no longer the same as before.
Forget it, bro.
He had forgotten how he felt when he said this.
He didn't know what kind of reaction Jiang Cheng would have.
Maybe want to beat him.
He hadn't really fought with Jiang Cheng yet. In theory, Jiang Cheng was not his opponent, but in such a situation, Jiang Cheng might burst into a powerful force.
Is it
uncertain.
Jiang Cheng, who was so stubborn, so arrogant, and so proud, might not even bother to make a move in the face of his blunt and unreserved sword.
Gu Fei smiled.
"Yeah," Liu Li said, "do you think it's funny too?"
"Ah," Gu Fei responded, he didn't know what Liu Li said, "I'll go out for a walk."
"It's so cold outside," Liu Li said. "I found that your physical fitness is really good. You wander around all day."
Gu Fei didn't say a word, wrapped in a scarf and walked out.
He is indeed wandering outside all day long.
Wandering around aimlessly.
He didn't let anyone mention Jiang Cheng in front of him, but Jiang Cheng was always in his mind.
He was like an anxious animal, unable to stay in any place for a long time, he had to keep walking around, because every time he saw it, it was Jiang Cheng.
Jiang Cheng only stayed here for two years, but he left countless traces. No matter where he looked, it was Jiang Cheng.
In the shop, at home, on the road, this place where he has lived for nearly twenty years, now everywhere, Jiang Cheng's breath is filled.
Those good memories that he had tried so hard to give Jiang Cheng were all left here, and they became pains that made him unable to breathe.
He can't stay in the store, he wanders around, but every step is full of memories.
He suddenly felt very frightened, and dared not think about how he would go on in such memories.
In front was the building where Jiang Cheng rented a house. He slowed down and looked up at the window.
Everything was as usual, the windows were closed, the curtains were drawn, and the small empty flower pot on the window sill was still in place. He could still see how Jiang Cheng looked when he took out a small stone from the flower pot and aimed at him.
After standing downstairs for a while, he walked into the corridor and walked upstairs slowly.
When he walked all the way to the door of the room, he had the illusion that Jiang Cheng would suddenly rush up to pinch his butt and run away.
He glanced back, the corridor full of debris was empty, he took out the key and opened the door.
He usually comes over every day to clean up, wipe the table and mop the floor, and spray some lemonade.
But he didn't come back after the phone call with Jiang Cheng last time. Now when he opened the door, he could already smell a faint smell of loneliness in the room.
He went into the kitchen, rubbed the rag, and after standing in the living room for a while, he began to slowly wipe the table.
The sofa was also dusty. He spread the rag on the sofa and patted it down and down. He couldn't hold it within a minute.
hug.
Come, come, brother Cheng hug.
He quickly picked up the rag, turned around and wiped it on the coffee table a few times, but stopped when he wanted to enter the bedroom.
After standing at the door of the bedroom for an unknown amount of time, he opened the door and walked in.
Brother Cheng is everywhere.
Brother Cheng is everywhere.
Brother Cheng is everywhere.
Brother Cheng will not come back.
Gu Fei opened the window to take a breath, and wiped Jiang Cheng's desk in the cold wind pouring in from the window.
Gu Fei, I have no home anymore.
He frowned.
Jiang Cheng’s home is not here, nor should Jiang Cheng’s home be him.
One day Jiang Cheng will have a new home, a real home.
He wiped the table hard, but after a few moments he felt tired, very tired.
He sat down and turned on the lamp.
The warm yellow light flooded the table.
Why did he come here to clean up, this place he didn’t dare to come in again, what was the meaning of clean up, Jiang Cheng should not appear here again…
The Chinese New Year is coming, where will Jiang Cheng go
That kind of heartache suddenly appeared, like a thin needle pierced into my heart, and it jumped in pain.
He had thought about this question from the very beginning, but he never dared to think about it. Now that he was going on vacation, everyone started to think about going home. He suddenly felt so distressed that he couldn't breathe. .
Jiang Cheng could go to Pan Zhi's house, then his friend, Pan Zhi would definitely take him to celebrate the New Year with him.
But Gu Fei knew that Jiang Cheng was unwilling to return to that city... Then where did he go
Stomach pain.
Was it infected by Jiang Cheng player
Gu Fei covered his stomach and bent down, resting his forehead against the edge of the table, gritted his teeth and gasped for a long time before he recovered.
He felt that he shouldn't be so fussy about it. He had already said the words, so he shouldn't bother Jiang Cheng any more, and Jiang Cheng didn't necessarily need his attention anymore.
But after coming out of the rental house, he still went home first, pulled out his old mobile phone from the drawer, put the card in, plugged in the charger and turned it on.
When he opened WeChat, his hands were trembling, and he didn't dare to look at the red number in the lower left corner, let alone click it. He was afraid of seeing Jiang Cheng's name, and afraid of not being able to see Jiang Cheng's name.
He found Pan Zhi's name directly from his contacts and clicked it.
Then I don't know what to say.
How is Jiang Cheng, how is Jiang Cheng celebrating the New Year, is Jiang Cheng going to your house during the winter vacation, how is Jiang Cheng going to arrange the winter vacation... I was in a mess, and I couldn't find the right sentence no matter what.
In the end, he only sent two words.
-Are you there
Before he could figure out what to say next, he saw a red exclamation mark in front of the two words he sent out.
- Your male god has turned on friend verification, and you are not his (her) friend yet. Please send a friend verification request first, and you can chat only after the other party has passed the verification.
Gu Fei stared at these words for a long time before finally regaining his senses.
Pan Zhi deleted his friend.
As expected of Jiang Cheng's best friend.
Gu Fei turned off the phone, threw it back into the drawer, leaned back on the chair, raised his head and sighed deeply.
The corner of his left eye was a little itchy, and he quickly pressed his hand on it.
"I really didn't buy a ticket," Pan Zhi sat on Jiang Cheng's chair, "Are you sure he can fit in the car, there's no one else."
"No one else," Jiang Cheng said, "It's just you and me, and Xu Xingzhi."
"Not to mention..." Pan Zhi turned to look at Zhao Ke, "is he his sister?"
"My sister hasn't decided yet. It's useless for her to go, she's just going to join in the fun as a tourist," Zhao Ke said, "Xu Xingzhi hasn't decided whether to take her or not."
"Oh," Pan Zhi thought for a while, "Go, I'm going to join in the fun anyway."
Zhao Ke smiled and climbed onto the bed to pack his things.
Jiang Cheng poked Pan Zhi's arm with his fingers.
"Huh?" Pan Zhi turned to look at him.
"Would you like some face?" Jiang Cheng whispered.
"Why am I so shameless? The layers of my face are all saved by me," Pan Zhi lowered his voice, "And I told you, Cheng'er, how's your voice still?"
"What?" Jiang Cheng said.
"The voice is too magnetic now and I'm not used to it." Pan Zhi said.
"Let's do it in a while," Jiang Cheng cleared his throat, "I don't know why it took so long to get better, maybe it's already tiring from reviewing."
"By the way, there is one more thing," Pan Zhi said, "I don't want to stay in a hotel with that Xu Xingzhi, I want to stay with you."
"En." Jiang Cheng responded.
"Or..." Pan Zhi hesitated and whispered, "Let's stay in a hotel together?"
"No," Jiang Cheng said, "I still have to go there before the house is returned. My things are still there, and I still need to get my clothes."
"I'm a little worried." Pan Zhi looked at him.
"You have to face what you should face," Zhao Ke said while packing his things on the bed. "It's useless to escape."
"As expected of someone who has never been in love." Pan Zhi sighed.
"It seems that someone has come here," Zhao Ke stuck his head out and looked at him, "Is this tone at least twenty times over?"
"Fuck me, is there anyone in charge of this person?" Pan Zhi asked.
"No more." Jiang Cheng said.
Everyone in the dormitory had bought tickets to go home, but Jiang Cheng didn't buy a ticket, Xu Xingzhi wanted to drive there, and he had to take his cat owner with him when he went out.
All the itineraries were arranged, but Jiang Cheng was still a little flustered.
He couldn't stay in the dormitory, and he went out of the dormitory and wandered around the school a little bit. It was only when Pan Zhi came over that he recovered a little.
For the first time, he deeply realized how heart-wrenching it is that there is no destination and no place to belong.