Chen Yekai smiled and said, "I'll just say it casually, don't mind."
Yu Hao nodded. He didn't even have a goal before the college entrance examination. Grandma had breast cancer again. The doctor suggested conservative treatment. To make her happy, Yu Hao decided to take the college entrance examination. Good for two years. Yu Hao didn't dare to apply to a school outside the city, after all, he couldn't take her to school with him.
Nearly half a year ago, in June this year, Yu Hao took the last test in the morning, and his grandmother warmed milk and put bread for him. After returning from the exam in the afternoon, she left.
He owed a lot of foreign debts for medical treatment before. Yu Hao sold the house and almost paid off the debts. He decided not to go to college. He first found a job in this city, paid off the remaining debts, then left his hometown and said goodbye to the past. Start from scratch, find the meaning of life.
As a result, he delivered takeout for two months during the summer vacation, and changed his mind again. The supervisor was deeply troubled by his education, and told him.
"Going back to university, even if you get a diploma, is better than finding a job with a high school degree. Reading changes your destiny. If you don't study, you can only repeat your old path wherever you go." Yu Hao explained.
"It's a good point." Chen Yekai said, "But I don't think reading is all about fate. It's okay to die soon after hearing about it. The experience of reading is a joy, and it is greater than its reward. Don't always do anything. Go for 'useful'."
Yu Hao didn't quite understand, but no one had ever told him this, so he nodded when he heard it.
Next, he saved a few months' salary and enrolled. Tuition and accommodation can only be owed first, living expenses of 400 per month, telephone bills, transportation expenses for tutors, bedding in the cold weather… Many expenses will be spent on winter vacation. When he moved into the dormitory, he had hoped to have a good relationship with his roommate and start a new life. But from the beginning of military training, he gradually discovered that the problems that had plagued him for many years seemed to be there forever.
During the military training, his roommate smoked, and he could not go with him; after the military training, everyone had a dinner party and invited the instructors to eat. Fifty per person was his food cost for four days, so he did not go. The roommate asked him to go to the Internet cafe for a night. At eighteen a night, he had to eat supper, twenty-five, and two days of food expenses, so he couldn't go. Others say to invite him, he has no money to return the invitation, and he is not willing to spend it in vain.
The roommate pooled money and started a network. He was out. He wanted to play free mobile games to make life less boring. As a result, Xunlei downloaded Xunlei and watched videos, which made him annoyed to death. Because of this, Quarrel with them.
"My grandma bought me an iPhone." Yu Hao cherishes this phone very much. When he was packing up his grandma's belongings, he found this packaged gift that was handed to him when he was going to college. There were marks of being dropped on it.
"I'm going to sell it." Yu Hao said, "Use it for food."
Chen Yekai said, "It's not necessary. Although it's difficult to make money, it's not to this point. Keep it."
Yu Hao finally recognized the reality, gave up his plan to integrate into the human society of university, resumed his high school life, sealed himself up, and tried not to speak if he could. Reading, hoping to get a scholarship, and the application for poverty funding, he prepared the proof, and finally did not give him. After all three schools, what books do you still read? Pretend to whom
"What about student loans? Didn't you apply?" Chen Yekai said.
"It hasn't been approved yet," Yu Hao replied, "The college said that the materials are not complete, and my mother's signature is needed, but my mother doesn't know where to go... I can't produce a certificate."
Chen Yekai gave a "hmm" and said, "Go back and ask."
Later, Yu Hao was isolated in the bedroom, like a gloomy wild fungus, always making people feel uncomfortable and annoying. There was often talk and laughter in the dormitory. When he went back, he lay on the bed with headphones on. His roommate teased him deliberately, just pretending that he couldn't hear it, but in fact he heard it all.
Before the mid-term exam, his roommate wanted to copy his English test paper, but he neither agreed nor refused. Everyone acquiesced that he agreed. As a result, after the test started, he did not pass a note to anyone. This behavior eventually caused public outrage in the dormitory. When the lights went out at night, they covered Yu Hao with the quilt, beat him firmly, and poured a few glasses of cold water into it.
"Fuck!" Zhou Sheng, who was sleeping behind the screen, finally couldn't listen anymore. He sat up, walked to Yu Hao's bed, and asked, "Which ones? 405? I made them look good!"
Chen Yekai didn't expect that there was someone behind the screen eavesdropping, and said angrily, "Sit down for me!"
Chen Yekai looked polite and polite, but what he said just now had an unquestionable momentum. Zhou Sheng had to give him face, so he had to sit aside.
Fu Liqun smiled and said, "Hong Mao has practiced boxing, and one can beat them for a whole class. Last time we saw a few people pulling at a girl outside, and he punched him and the other side lay down."
"Then you go? Anyway, if you hurt someone, it's not easy for others to call you for compensation. You must be relying on him, go?" Chen Yekai asked Zhou Sheng.
Zhou Sheng thought about it too, no one dared to provoke him, and he would definitely let Yu Hao take the blame again.
Yu Hao looked at them, feeling a little moved for some reason in his heart. It would have been much better if they had been assigned as roommates when they entered the college. But maybe after getting along for a long time, they will hate themselves as well.
That night, he remembered very clearly. Halfway through his sleep, he covered his head with the quilt. When he woke up, he finally knew what had happened. They beat him for a long time, and when they finally dispersed, Yu Hao didn't lift the quilt, he just curled up inside the quilt, tears streaming out uncontrollably.
"Let them be careful." Zhou Sheng said to Chen Yekai.
Chen Yekai said, "You are the one who should be careful. If anyone in their dormitory has a broken leg, I will find you. You are the first suspect."
Zhou Sheng: "…"
Yu Hao couldn't help laughing and said, "No need, thank you. I've already thought about it."
Zhou Sheng asked him, "I've wronged you for stealing things. You must have put a lot of effort into your dorm room. How can you be like this? Aren't you afraid of being struck by lightning?"
Yu Hao said, "I don't blame them for hating me. Sometimes, I actually hate myself."
Everyone: "… "
Later, Fu Liqun introduced him to the work-study job. Yu Hao knew that he was drinking tap water beside the court, and he would never play basketball again. The tutor pays him 80 at a time, and he goes there four times a month. He cherishes this opportunity very much.
The students didn't cooperate very much at first, Yu Hao didn't scold her, he just told the truth in front of the parents. After seven lessons, the primary school student probably wanted to drive him away, so he put the watch in his bag. He didn't understand it at first, and found that there was an extra watch in the bag. Because of the past, he was very vigilant.
He thought it was his roommate who stuffed it in his bag, so he took out the watch and put it on the table without making a sound. As a result, everyone noticed the watch and said nothing.
Yu Hao became more and more puzzled. Just as he was about to sell his cell phone, he brought his watch along and asked the person who reclaimed the old goods how much the watch cost. When I learned the price, I was shocked. I was about to post a notice outside the study hall, and the parents of the students called the police.
Every time he went to the other party's house, he went directly to the study. Although he felt that the family was rich, he never thought that the watch came from here. Until the police came, he always thought that he was picking things up in the study room by mistake, or that the people in the back row put the watch on the table and accidentally dropped it in his bag.
"Have you told Teacher Xue these words?" Chen Yekai asked.
"Some said, some didn't." Yu Hao said tiredly, "He doesn't believe me."
Chen Yekai said, "Mr. Xue is a good teacher, why do you say that?"
"His eyes are exactly the same as my junior high school head teacher." Yu Hao replied, "Once the teacher arrested me for smoking, but I don't smoke. When we were eating together, the table next door smelled of smoke. The teacher decided it was me, and they It's all biased against me, and it's useless to explain too much."
"I wouldn't live anymore if it was me." Zhou Sheng sighed, "It's fucking disgusting to live."
Everyone: "… "
"Then you didn't have a single friend since you were young." Chen Yekai ignored Zhou Sheng and said to Yu Hao.
Chen Yekai's words were just to set the stage for the next sentence. After he said it, he waited for Yu Hao's reaction. Yu Hao thought about it quietly for a while, and just wanted to shake his head and tell him that he had come to this day, partly because of hardship and partly because of his personality. But just when he wanted to say "no", he suddenly remembered the general in his dream.
"There are still some." Yu Hao said, "I decided to live well."
Chen Yekai thought to himself why you played your cards out of common sense, but he still smiled and said, "I'm your friend too."
"Me too." Fu Liqun said with a smile, "Some things, don't go too far, just get over it."
Zhou Sheng said: "I heard what you said, and I remembered a movie called "This Killer Is Not Too Cold" and there is a classic line in it..."
Chen Yekai couldn't listen any longer and interrupted: "The infusion is over, let's go, how do you feel?"
Yu Hao was much better, the nurse came over to pull the needle for him, and Chen Yekai planned to take them to eat hot pot, the so-called "everyone celebrate your new life together".
Yu Hao's lunch on the road was almost digested. He was vaguely aware that he was still a little uncomfortable. It was because of self-blame, and it was also a sense of resistance to his "friend" relationship. Zhou Sheng has known each other for a long time, and he will gradually hate himself.
As long as any relationship does not begin, there will be no end, and there will be no hope and no disappointment. From this point of view, Yu Hao would rather the friends he just met eat hot pot by himself and let him walk back slowly by himself. But Zhou Sheng couldn't help but drag him over.
Chen Yekai had just finished ordering and ate a few bites when he received a call from the academy and had to buy the order and leave early; Fu Liqun packed two fried rice and took him back to the academy so that he wouldn't know the way in the dark. Yu Hao and Zhou Sheng were left, facing the dishes for four.
Zhou Sheng drank a cigarette, added a bottle of beer and drank it by himself. He kept serving food for Yu Hao, and said, "Just say that when you go back to the dormitory, I will cover you, and whoever bullies you, let him wait."
Yu Hao didn't know how to get along with this young college student, so he could only nod his head restrainedly.
Zhou Sheng added, "How much do you think Chen Yekai's scarf cost?"
Yu Hao: "How much?"
Zhou Sheng said, "Enough to pay our tuition for a whole year."
Yu Hao: "..."
Zhou Sheng said, "Forget it, let's eat more." It wasn't until the two of them barely finished the food that Yu Hao almost vomited, and Zhou Sheng sent him downstairs to the dormitory and told him to go back.
"Give me the lighter." Zhou Sheng took Yu Hao's lighter and said, "It's confiscated, come back, see you tomorrow."
The autumn wind blew, and the whole city of Ying City cooled overnight. Yu Hao was so cold that he shivered. When he returned to the bedroom, all his roommates went out to surf the Internet all night. He bowed and dragged out the woven bag under the bed, which contained all his belongings.
The house was sold, and there were a few photo frames left with pictures of my grandmother and him, as well as a photo of the whole class when they graduated from high school. On the day of the graduation photo shoot, he was in the hospital with his grandmother for a check-up, but he wasn't in the photo.
Yu Hao put away the photos and wanted to find a down vest that he could wear tomorrow, but found a wooden box under the woven bag. When opening the box, Yu Hao's hands trembled slightly.
Inside is a chess set.
Soldiers, guns, chariots, soldiers, horses...
He remembered the day when his father taught him to play chess when he was a child, and taught him to recognize which is a pawn and which is a handsome. He liked the side with red letters, so they turned into crimson flags flying under the Great Wall, like a tide, irresistible.
He remembered the time when his grandmother played chess with him after his father's death. He always won, but his grandmother never won chess in his memory.
"Hundreds of battles are won!" When he was a child, he took his grandmother's army, and his grandmother smiled and set up the chessboard and started again.
Yu Hao put away the chess pieces, lay down on the bed, and fell asleep in this empty darkness.
"Good night."
He said to himself, to live a good life tomorrow, just like what the general said in the dream of reviving himself. Yu Hao has always believed that thinking in the day and dreaming in the night. When the dream appeared, it happened to be the last moment of his life. Having such a dream might mean that deep down in his heart, he still had a little expectation of trying to live.
"Back?" said the general's voice.
Yu Hao woke up suddenly, screamed, sat up from the floor, and the general knelt down on one knee and stood beside his bed, like a faithful guardian.
"Why... why is it you again?" Yu Hao was shocked.
The first time he had a dream, Yu Hao thought it was a natural phenomenon, but now he entered the dream for the second time and met him again.
The general sat down with his knees crossed, his arms folded, his actions a little clumsy due to the friction of his armor.
"After you set the beacon on fire, it's safe for the time being." The general said seriously, "But if you want to find yourself, you have to keep working hard."
"No no." Yu Hao said in disbelief, "Wait, this... is this true?"
He turned his head to look at the surroundings, he was in a private house, with wooden walls and wooden cabinets, and a floor.
"This is your dream," said the general.
"I know this is my dream..." Yu Hao was a little confused and said, "But why does this dream look like a serial?"
"Very strange?" said the general. "Here is a fixed representation of your conscious world. Get up, go out and see?"
The general stretched out his hand to Yu Hao, pulled him up, motioned him to push the door, Yu Hao pushed open the door of the private house, and after the dazzling light disappeared, vast mountains, hills and fertile fields appeared, flocks of cattle and sheep wandered among the mountains and fields. . The sky was dark, but it was much brighter than the high wall of the Great Wall.
Yu Hao stared blankly at the scene in front of him. The general followed him out of the room, closed the door, and explained, "The world of dreams is huge, and with your experience, the boundaries will continue to expand."
"I never dreamed of this place." Yu Hao said with a frown.
"It must have been a dream." The general lowered his head and adjusted the metal gloves, stretched and grasped his fingers, and said casually, "You just forgot, this time my strength has become a lot stronger, and I should be able to escort you to the totem safely. "
"Totem?" Yu Hao turned to look at the general.
"Talk while you walk."
"The totem is something that you have always adhered to in your heart. It is also commonly known as the 'original mind'. The place where it is located is the center of the world, and it determines how your 'self' is expressed."
There were flocks of cattle and sheep on the prairie, and there was a road paved with earth and stones. The general and Yu Hao walked all the way.
"You still believe in hope, but you have been increasingly marginalized for a long time, driven to the end of the conscious world, and almost fell into the subconscious world. Remember the last time you stood on the edge of the Great Wall?"
Yu Hao: "Yes, I... I've been wanting to jump down, but I feel that someone is constantly pushing me from behind."
The general said: "Now, you have turned back, so I will take you back to where the totem was, and let you regain control of the world."
"Then what?" Yu Hao asked, "What will happen to me?"
"You will become a better version of yourself," the general said simply, "or, in other words, 'back' to who you were."