Shiva

Chapter 8: Brahman

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[Brahman].

The night I came back from the meal, I had a spicy dream. In the dream, I was caught in a red vortex, pushed by the torrent, and the hope of struggling to get out became slim. I looked down and looked down at the face of the person standing in the center of the vortex. I'm not sure, but my intuition tells me that he is Shen Xu, the guide I ran into in New Delhi, a man who often stares at me in a trance, a stranger I used to be familiar with.

The fall caused weightlessness. When I woke up, Shen Xu had already put on a moss-colored shirt and was fiddling with something with her back to me. The fresh morning light made the bright spots brighter, but there was no sense of vitality. I called Shen Xu, he Turning around, raising the camera and taking a picture.

One eye peeked out from behind the black machine, and I blocked my face in hindsight, "Sloppy."

"Not in the way." He looked at the photo, "No one knows."

No one else knows. His words suddenly became ambiguous, maybe I was blinded in the morning, and his expression softened for no reason while staring at the photo, while asking me how my dinner was yesterday.

"Don't rush to pay the bill next time." I said, "I will invite you today, you will be my guide, take care of me when I am sick and invite me to dinner, really..."

"Yeah." Shen Xu smiled at me, "Where can I find such a good guide?"

"There is one in New Delhi." I rolled over and got out of bed. The phone in the room rang beepingly at eight o'clock. I unplugged the phone from the charging cable and asked without thinking, "Where are we going today?"

"Would you like to see Little Shiva? In the National Museum of New Delhi." Shen Xu was wearing a watch on his left hand. His forearm did not have much exercise marks, but he was still well-proportioned and slender. Now, I watched him buckle the buckle smoothly and looked away.

During the peak tourist season, we fanned the air with leaflets and waited in line for a long time to enter the National Museum, but we couldn’t see the Shiva statue right away. The ancestors crowded and watched the miniature paintings for a while and bare the beginnings of P and V. Alphabet figurines.

I stared at the connection of the three people (and four and five people), India is really open to sex, obsessed with the expression of power burst, this kind of candid and artificial exaggeration can be seen almost everywhere, Shen Xu looked at it for a while, It is said that the stone carvings of the Kajurahou Temple are even more exaggerated, and the overwhelming sex poses. Many foreigners are shy, especially the Japanese, but they want to see them very much, so they take out their mobile phones and pretend to take pictures of the scenery. Look.

"I'll take you there if you want to see it." Shen Xu whispered in my ear, "Will you be shy?"

"Would you?" I asked him back.

"No." Shen Xu stood up straight and half-drooped to see the stone carvings beside her. Several colored mud peeled away, revealing the vitality of the original rock.

"Then neither will I."

I held down the glass separating me from the stone sculpture, and brought my face very close, "As if...you can hear them shouting."

"They always make people have all kinds of synaesthesia. In India, you can feel a kind of energy." Shen Xu said, "When I first came here..."

His words stopped halfway, and I turned around, "What's wrong? When you first came here?"

Shen Xu glanced at the stone sculpture, then gave me a deep look, and finally said, "It's nothing. Here, the statue of Shiva, the dance king, is in front."

I looked at the place where the crowd gathered, there was a solitary beam of light, I followed Shen Xu, but I became timid when I walked halfway, I comforted myself, I haven't seen the big Shiva yet, why should I see the little Shiva? Nervous, no one turned around on the road.

"Don't want to see it?" Shen Xu could see my discomfort.

"I made an appointment to watch it with him." I whispered, "Is this a broken promise."

"It wasn't you who broke the promise, it was him." There was an unreasonable annoyance on Shen Xu's face, and he directly held my wrist and walked forward. The temperature of his palm was low and very comfortable.

"Shen Xu." I approached, "Do you think he will want to make up for me?"

Shen Xu's footsteps paused, then he turned back and stared at me bluntly: "Do you think... Does he still love you?"

"Love... let's go." I said, I would like to believe that the core of the iceberg is love for me, but this feeling has been washed away by other things over the years, and it can only be achieved in a very laborious way. Confuse yourself, and forcefully deduct a little sugar from the bitterness.

"We've also packed our bags together."

But compared to the past, this little love is nothing but a drop in the bucket.

"Silly." Shen Xu commented on me, but I wasn't angry, "Sometimes, I think you and my boyfriend look alike."

"Really?" Shen Xu took me forward again, his tone did not fluctuate, "Like before, or after?"

"Well, before."

Shen Xu didn't speak, and from my point of view, I could only see the corners of his mouth slightly raised.

"Look, Shiva," he said.

In a bronze statue, Shiva stepped on a dwarf, surrounded by flames with a strong sense of rhythm, and stretched his body on a round double lotus flower. The light and shadow flickered, and he was dancing and breathing.

"Why step on the villain?"

"A dwarf? He represents ignorance and ignorance."

"What dance did Shiva dance?"

"The dance of the universe, the dance of eternity, the dance of destruction and immortality."

Like a torrential rain, but it pours a boundless and boundless fire, Shiva's radiant three eyes reflect the long silver line drawn by time, he never stops jumping, and the Ganges water that dipped in his hair twists and turns to the world , round after round, delicate and powerful balance.

I felt a slight suffocation, and my feelings were surging unexplainably. I have never wanted to love all the strangers around me like I do now. This is too bizarre and too absurd.

On the left of Shiva is a cat with its front paws raised above its head. Due to the weathering and corrosion of the years, its eyes have collapsed into two hollows, dark, revealing bottomless stubbornness and despair. I looked away almost at the same time - it reminded me of bad stuff, huge insecurities.

I rarely feel insecure, and I've only ever seen such a horrific expression on one person's face.

The boyfriend mentioned that his mother had a "bad temper", but what exactly was wrong, I didn't pursue it further, and the boyfriend didn't go any further, but very occasionally, he came back from a holiday at home, Will hold me and sigh softly, what to do with Xiaojin, I love her and hate her.

But soon he backtracked and said, "No, I don't think I love her."

"But she's your mom," I said confusedly, shifting most of his weight over to him. "Are you on the horns? How could anyone not love their mom?"

Puzzled prevailed, I couldn't empathize with him immediately, I never had the idea of "hate" against my family, the worst thing was "hate", and the feeling of hatred lasted for a few hours, or a few days. Minutes, there is always one person who bows his head first, either because of my guilt or embarrassment, or because of my parents' disregard for the past.

"What happened?" I asked.

My boyfriend's chin on my shoulder moved, and I quietly let him hold him for a while, watching the wall clock go slowly.

"Would you like some tea?" I said, "I bought a new Fat Sea, your voice sounds so hoarse."

"No." Just as I was about to move him away, he acted hurriedly, his arms were so tightly bound, it was a kind of strength that a drowning man begged for wood, "No, hold on for a while, okay?"

An irresistible plea, I kissed his ear and said yes.

"Xiaojin, come home with me for the New Year this year," he said.

"Ok." I said without hesitation, but when I readily agreed, my boyfriend hesitated, saying that he and his mother had mentioned me, but not our relationship.

"For people of their generation, it will definitely take time to accept this kind of thing. Let's go step by step, just say I'm your friend. I accidentally missed the Spring Festival train and I have nowhere to go." It's done, I don't want to make it difficult for him.

My boyfriend nodded vigorously like a child and said thank you.

"Thanks for what?" I wondered.

"You can understand me." He paused, "I'm so happy."

He spoke in a tone like I had given him a great gift, and as if he had never felt "happy", I rubbed the back of his head distressedly and said that I should be thanking you.

So on the night of the fourth day of the new year, I dragged my luggage and checked into my "in-law's house" "annoyed and grateful". My boyfriend is a divorced family and was brought up by his mother since he was a child, so there were only the three of us at dinner. He looks like his mother, especially the soft yet contoured jaw, like some kind of finely crafted white jade, moist and beautiful - but hesitant to wear it in winter, because I always think it will Chills from the inside out.

The dishes were made by his mother, and they chatted a few times during the meal. The aunt looked warm and sincere, but the smile was not enough. The three lights in the restaurant were broken, and everyone had a tacit understanding not to mention it. After dinner, my aunt put down the dishes and calmly asked me where I was sleeping.

"Mom, he sleeps in my room," my boyfriend said.

"Oh... sleeping in your room, then where do you sleep?" His mother then asked and answered herself, her voice thin and high, unable to tell whether it was a statement or a sarcasm, "There are only two rooms in the house, he sleeps in yours , you're going to sleep in my room, so I sleep on the sofa..."

Surprised, I stopped chewing and looked at my boyfriend nervously.

His mother's way of thinking was so strange.

"I mean." The boyfriend bowed his head, "Xiaojin shares a room with me."

"A room with you..." Auntie nodded her chin thoughtfully, "Oh."

I rehearsed the process with my boyfriend many times in advance. After eating, I took the initiative to wash the dishes and clean up the table, and then accompanied my aunt to watch the LCD TV in the living room that was about to be torn apart for a while. The body of the sofa extended from the soft cushion. Turtle marks, the orientation of this house is good, but I didn't think of the word "feng shui" for no reason.

Here...it seems to be malfunctioning, and there is no way to fix it.

Before going to bed, I waited for my boyfriend who had finished washing up. He closed the door, then stopped and thought about it. He squatted down, took a breath, and locked the door very slowly like a bomb squad. Can't hear the rattling of the lock.

Turning off the light, he took me into his arms, "Sorry, she's a bit weird."

"Neurotic" might be more appropriate, I thought silently.

"I feel it," I whispered. "Is she always like this?"

"Yeah." My boyfriend played with my hair. "That's fine."

"What about bad times?"

The boyfriend was quiet for a moment, and said, "Xiaojin, do you know, in fact, I envy you very much, and I also envy...other people. It's not because my parents divorced since I was a child, but because I envy you for being able to do what you want to do. things, learning to draw, playing the recorder, playing the guitar..."

"Huh? You're talking about the hobby class you used to have when you were young, right?"

"Yes, I know it's not easy for my mother to bring me up, but these years... I haven't had an easy life. She always said, I'm everything to her. I have to study hard and get the best grades. A good school requires a decent, lucrative and respectable job. I didn't take any interest classes when I was a child. She said no, she had no money, and then turned around and spent all her savings to enroll me in mathematics and physics competition training. , tell me how nice she is to me."

Too concerned about the volume, my boyfriend talked like he was gasping, the space covered by the quilt was hot and humid, he paused for a long time and continued.

"Xiaojin, my grades in school were good, but I wasn't smart enough to compete with millions of smart people across the country for a few seats, and every weekend when I was constantly spinning around and being crushed by more smart people, Feeling... overwhelmed."

"I'm not happy, Xiaojin, I forced myself to fulfill all her expectations, and became something that she showed off to her relatives when she was happy and belittled at will when she was unhappy, the urge to cry and vent when she was holding back, I learned later. , this feeling is called pain.”

I found myself as if I was just beginning to really get to know him, a different, darker version of him.

"You're not a slap-and-slap thing...you can talk to Mom sometime." I said, "Tell her what you think."

"I can only listen to her." The boyfriend hugged me tightly and murmured: "I tried... I tried, I have a hunch what her answer will be and what the ending will be, but I Still mustering up the courage.”

"What did she say?"

"I'll always remember her expression." My boyfriend hugged my body and shuddered, "When she pursed her lips and held her head up for a lifetime to reject me, I really resisted that picture full of desire for control. My face, my mother's eyes, nose and lips, the shoes I'm wearing, all make me—"

"disgust."

God, I opened my mouth slightly, but I couldn't see my boyfriend's expression in the dark.

I reached out to touch his face, but he turned his head to avoid it, "Xiaojin, I still remember when she and I passed by a wall of a residential house, white bricks, black cracks, thin and narrow, you know What did I want to do then?"

"I want to bang my head on it."

"..."

"Don't think like that," I said softly. "Don't hurt yourself."

"... I lied to you, I didn't think so." He paused, "You just heard about the trivial things."

I was vaguely uneasy, "You haven't told me what will happen to her when she is at her worst?"

Several rounds of deep breathing.

"Xie, Si, Di, Li." He paused word by word.

At the same time, the door of another room was slammed open. The footsteps were getting closer and closer. There was no knock on the door. Appearing gloomy, "Darling...how do you lock the door?"

I held my breath, my heart pounding.

"Mom..." My boyfriend let go of me and pleaded with a nervous voice, "Just one night, Xiaojin is a guest."

"Then open the door too! What are you locking the door for? Who are you guarding? What are you doing? Ah?" She was suddenly excited, bursting like cold water rolling into a frying pan, "Open the door, open the door!"

"Open the door!!!"

My stomach tightened suddenly, the sharp high-pitched voice brought discomfort and panic, my boyfriend quickly said sorry to my ear, the white light flashed, the light was turned on, he stood in front of the bed and did not move, I could see clearly The surging rebellion and two tears on that face.

thump-thump-

Immediately, the chill soaked through my body, and my aunt was knocking on the door, but the sound wasn't with her knuckles, and it wasn't kicking at the door—she was hitting her head against the door.

"Beast! Beast embryo!"

Before the boyfriend could reach the door, there was another muffled sound, accompanied by a shrill scream in a female voice, "Open the door!!!"

"Open the door!"

Footsteps came and went, and then there was the sound of a screwdriver twisting. She opened the door lock too quickly, the screwdriver fell, and she slammed her head on the door again, like a self-destructive threat—

"Open the door!!"

"Shen Xu!!!"