After the new year, everything is business as usual.
The training institution where Li Li worked part-time began to be on vacation, and he entered a long vacation at the end of the year. But Xia Mian got busier at work as New Year's Eve got closer, and he didn't have time to meet Li Li for two weeks.
After a long absence, they made an appointment at a hotel near Xia Mian's company.
Xia Mian was about to have a meeting, so he didn't take off his formal attire, but he just unzipped his genitals and took out his penis, which was congested and stiff in Li Li's mouth.
Li Li knelt on the bed and let Xia Mian enter from behind. He stretched his waist and turned his butt up high, trying to prevent the overflowing love juice from staining Xia Mian's clothes.
Xia Mian had to stop after only dozens of thrusts, and wiped the intersection of the two with a tissue. Li Li's water came out too much, dripping on the bed sheet, Xia Mian wiped it again and again, and every time he paused, it was extremely uncomfortable, so he changed the soft towel to cushion it, speeding up the in and out, and ejaculated once inside him .
Li Li lay on the bed and trembled, unable to recover for a long time. Xia Mian was fully dressed and ready to leave. He reached out and grabbed the hem of Xia Mian's coat, buried half of his face in the quilt, and said in a muffled voice, "Chinese New Year... I'm going to see my aunt."
"What?" Xia Mian didn't hear clearly.
He sat back on the edge of the bed, picked up Li Li, and felt that his body was abnormally hot. I touched my forehead and neck again, and it was slightly cold again, not like a cold or fever.
"I'm going to leave for a while during Chinese New Year to see my aunt. When I come back on the fifth day of the new year, I'll call you then, okay?" Li Li asked him.
"En." Xia Mian pulled up the quilt and wrapped him tightly, "Are you feeling uncomfortable?"
Li Li loosened his clothes, shook his head and said, "It's not uncomfortable, but a little tired."
Xia Mian let him go, and finally tucked in the quilt again: "I'll help you renew the room, you should rest more."
This was the last time they saw each other before the Spring Festival of 2017.
On New Year's Eve, Xia Mian worked until nine o'clock in the evening, and rushed to his cousin's house to have a late New Year's Eve dinner. The cousin took care of his wife and daughter to sleep, kissed their foreheads to say goodnight, then called Xia Mian to the balcony to smoke, and said to him: "I think about it later, Xiaonian said too much that day."
Xia Mian also smoked a cigarette which was rare. The brand of hand-rolled cigarettes that Li Li gave him at the beginning had finished cigarettes of the same kind of shredded tobacco, which is what he bought.
"... I was the attending doctor of one of his students two years ago. After his student got well, he came to the hospital with his parents to thank me. I didn't recognize him. He didn't seem to wear glasses before, right? His temperament was not so... experienced It feels like a lot.”
The cousin slowly exhaled the smoke, squinting his eyes in the smog and recalled, "He invited me to dinner, took off his glasses and asked me if I still remembered that he beat your father before. I said yes, and then I remembered who he was. He He ate with me for more than an hour, talking all about you, I didn't think it at the time, but now that I know you have emotional entanglements, I feel that he really hasn't forgotten you. "
My cousin suffered from insomnia for many days after returning from the New Year's Eve. He thought that Xia Mian was actually an extremely withdrawn person, and he was willing to call Li Li to his house to have dinner with his family. Reminiscent of Li Li who was by Xia Mian's side eight years ago, my cousin was afraid that his words would be serious for a moment, and he would ruin the fate that his brother had finally won.
"He is a rare sincere person. If you want to be serious with him, don't hold back. You are thirty years old, can you be more generous? You see, he is now by your side, and he will come and wave Then go, even if I was sorry to you, there must be some difficulties, right?"
Xia Mian didn't speak. He inhaled the smoke into the deepest part of his lungs, leaving the bitterness and sweetness longer.
The cousin continued to persuade: "If he doesn't say it, he must be unable to say it, or he is afraid that you will lose your face if you say it. If you don't ask, he won't say it. Isn't this a deadlock? It's too old, or just say it, and you want to talk about it." Why don't we just separate and drag each other out all the time?"
Xia Mian still didn't speak. The way he smokes with his head down is like a hidden active volcano. He has too many emotions worthy of eruption, and the distance from the gushing out may only be the last fuse.
After New Year's Eve, Xia Mian worked overtime for a while, and the work intensity returned to the usual level. He found time to meet Xu Xin once, didn't stay long, and left after dinner, because Xu Xin's family always reunites in a house of three in the city center in winter. This year, Qiu Xiaochen made a girlfriend, and the family soon Will expand to four people, or even five people.
Qiu Xiaochen said "Happy New Year" to Xia Mian, and Xu Xin and her husband gave lucky money to their two mature and independent children. Opening the red envelope, in addition to the red RMB, there was also a handwritten letter, which contained the wishes and expectations of the parents for the child's work and life within a year. Xu Shen asked Xia Mian to "balance work and rest", and his stepfather asked Xia Mian to "take it easy".
Xia Mian took two handwritten letters home and read them repeatedly on the plane. He felt that the manic depression in his body was warmed by his long-lost relatives, and it was no longer so sharp and stinging.
It seems that as long as time is willing to go back, things will always get better and better, and one day everyone will be able to wait for the ending he wants.
But Xia Mian never expected that the fuse that caused his outburst would come so quickly.
Li Li didn't contact him on the fifth day, or even the sixth or seventh day.
On the afternoon of the fifth day of the fifth day, he couldn't bear to be impatient, and he called Li Li's number again and again, and the other person reminded him that "the phone has been turned off".
The process of repeating, repeating, and repeating an unanswered call is mechanical. He only needs to click on the screen with his finger to dial out, and after the "beep" sound, it will prompt "the phone has been shut down". He clicked to hang up, and then pressed to dial, forming an unbreakable loop.
Every cycle, his heart was run over. He didn't feel it when it was dark, and he didn't feel it when the room was dark and there was only the light from the mobile phone. When he came back to his senses, the phone turned off with a black screen, and he ran out of battery.
He charged and turned on his mobile phone, sat on the edge of the bed and supported his swollen head, breathing heavily and rapidly, like a trapped animal.
In the end, Li Li didn't contact him until the morning of the eighth day. His tone was relaxed and gentle, and he seemed to be smiling: "I'm back, I wish you a happy new year."
Xia Mian asked him, "Where are you?"
"I just came home."
"Stay there and don't move." Xia Mian said, "I'll be right over."
There were not many cars on the road in the early morning of the eighth day of the eighth day of the lunar new year. Xia Mian drove all the way, and felt like a nightmare several times that he was not his 30-year-old self, but the poor man who was struggling to find clues about Li Li eight years ago.
Does Li Li want to destroy him again
But Li Li can do it.
After Xia Mian arrived at Li Li's house, Li Li opened the door for him and greeted him with a smile, "Good morning, have you had breakfast yet?"
Li Li had just arrived home, and the suitcase was spread out on the ground, and it hadn't been packed yet. There was boiled milk and a sandwich from a convenience store on the dining table, but I hadn't had time to eat it yet.
His lively and warm breath, including the soft smile hidden in his eyes, aggravated Xia Mian's anxiety at this moment.
"From the fifth to the seventh day of the lunar new year, for three whole days, why is your phone turned off?"
The last time I heard Xia Mian speak in such a cold tone was when we reunited at Xu Xin's villa. Li Li's eyes dimmed, and he thought about it: "Every New Year, I will go to see my aunt and take her back to her hometown to visit the graves of my parents. This year's tickets are not easy to buy. We stayed for two more days. It rained and the road was slippery. It broke... But I didn't use my mobile phone very much in my hometown, so I didn't buy a new one. When I come back, I will use my old mobile phone at home, and I will call you immediately."
Xia Mian stood still, staring at Li Li coldly. He was taller than Li Li, and Li Li looked up at him slightly, feeling oppressed, as if he was wrapped in a shadow.
"You told me to come back on the fifth day of the lunar new year, but you never thought that I would wait for your call that day?"
Li Li was stunned at first, then turned pale and said anxiously: "I thought I would disturb you if I called you when I didn't come back..."
"Excuse me?" Xia Mian interrupted him, and his articulation became more and more serious, "If you can't do the agreed thing, it is an 'excuse me' to notify the other party? You don't have to call me this time, then next time you want to dump me If you drive me, can you just change the number and change the city, pretending that I don't exist at all?"
"How can it be!"
Li Li denied it loudly, and his face completely lost all color.
"How could I..." He said incoherently with uneasiness and vulnerability in his eyes, "How could I want to get rid of you... I can't get rid of you."
His so-called "impossible" is more harsh than any words. A sharp knife sprouted from Xia Mian's heart, and he was so painful that he was about to be split in two, so he held the knife in his hand to let Li Li feel his feelings.
"For three full days, if you don't contact me, don't you need to contact other people?"
Xia Mian said, "Maybe you are using tomb-sweeping as an excuse to meet people I don't know, block my number to speak freely with others—if I think so, how do you explain it?"
Li Li's eyes were red, and he lowered his head, unable to keep looking at Xia Mian.
He couldn't bear Xia Mian's appearance. Eight years later, Xia Mian is like a dense fog. No matter whether he advances or retreats, whether he is careful or bold, he cannot find his way, and he can feel Xia Mian's real body in the fog.
"Are you angry?" Li Li said tremblingly, "I promise I won't make the same mistake again next time, can you forgive me this time?"
His tone was low, as if Xia Mian had been shortened out of thin air.
He is always submissive, always begging for trouble.
Xia Mian could clearly see the redness in the corner of his eyes, and all the organs in his chest were crying out for pain.
The more humble Li Li put himself, the more Xia Mian felt that he was pulling their feelings with his hands. He didn't realize it, he didn't know how strong he was, Xia Mian had put him in his heart, so he could stab Xia Mian in his heart with a drop of tear or drooping eyes.
"Do you care if I don't forgive you?" Xia Mian asked him, "If you really want me to forgive you, you can explain it to me clearly. You can insist that your phone is broken, you can say that you have never seen anyone else Ever had a phone call with anyone, was it hard?"
Li Li opened his mouth silently, looking at Xia Mian with eyes that were on the verge of collapse.
He still doesn't explain.
Xia Mian thought with hatred, why he still didn't explain
A force suddenly surged out of Xia Mian's body, and it was this force that helped him "poach" Li Li from his heart eight years ago.
"You think you don't need to explain anything if you are humble to me. You can't even explain clearly when your phone is turned off for three days. Then I ask you how your gland was injured and why it disappeared eight years ago. Would you not answer me? "
There is a barrier between Xia Mian and Li Li. As long as neither of them mentions Li Li's injured gland and the reason why it disappeared eight years ago, there will always be room for their relationship, and they can continue to entangle and torture each other. The rest of my life was delayed.
But the heavy rain is coming, who can stop the flood from bursting the embankment
They were submerged in the violent current and could not breathe normally.
Li Li shrugged his shoulders, subconsciously wanting to touch the scar on the side of his neck, but halfway up his hand, he just stopped in the air.
He raised his face, his eyes were so red: "You said that our relationship in the past was unclear, so is the past still important? I regret it eight years ago, and I'm sorry for you. I haven't had a bad day in the past eight years. Pain, can this make you feel better? Why can’t we forget about the past and start over from now on?”
The dike collapsed, and the torrent was so fierce that it could kill people, but Li Li was hoarse, still guarding his little unknown room.
Xia Mian imagined many times, if he was the first to admit defeat, surrender first, and ask Li Li first, how would Li Li respond. He imagined hundreds of answers, but he never thought that Li Li would still avoid the question and give him a rhetorical question:
"Does the past matter?"
It turns out that the words heard from the mouth of the favorite can also make people feel like falling into an icehouse.
On the eighth day of the first lunar month in 2017, Li Li rushed back with his luggage and contacted Xia Mian with anxiety. He was actually happy to hear that Xia Mian said he would come right away.
In the midsummer of 2016, Xia Mian returned to China, and was in a trance frequently in his mother's villa, as if going back in time. He reunited with Li Li on the first floor, seeing the person in his hallucinations become reality, and hearing Li Li speak to him in that gentle voice, he was actually very happy.
"Since you said you want to 'go back to the past', I've been waiting for you to explain to me." Xia Mian said, "I save you dinner on Qixi Festival, and take you to meet your family on Lunar New Year's Eve. I'm so stupid.
"That's it, Li Li."
There was no crueler word for the two of them.
"We're done."