Zhang Nuan listened to me saying all this with her big eyes, then shrugged her shoulders and curled her lips and said, "You are right, but you know girls are stubborn, especially when it comes to liking someone. Once they make up their minds, nothing can pull them back. Even if you have done a lot of things to hurt her, she will still like you, because as long as you are a little bit good to her, she will forget all of that and only remember how good you were to her."
Zhang Nuan was picking her nose gently while saying this. Although she was speaking to me, it felt to me as if she was speaking to herself.
I lowered my head, looked at the phone in my hand, and then sighed and said, "What should I do?" Zhang Nuan rubbed her nose vigorously with her hand and said, "Actually, these are all excuses. The most important thing is actually only one thing." I frowned and asked her, "What is it?"
Zhang Nuan looked at me with her big eyes and asked, "Do you like her or not?" I was stunned by Zhang Nuan's question, but I immediately lowered my head to avoid her gaze. Zhang Nuan shook her head and clumsily patted my back with her plastered arm and said, "Think about it carefully."
Zhang Nuan's words were like a handful of salt, sprinkled on the wound in my heart called Bai Lu. But I have asked myself this question countless times, but I really don't know. I don't know what kind of feeling I have towards her, because there are too many things mixed in it, too much guilt, and too many of her gentle smiles. I can't forget them, but I can't let them go.
Finally, I didn’t want to think about it anymore, because whenever I thought about it, I would get a headache and feel so upset that I couldn’t do anything.
So I thought about it for a long time, and finally I just picked up my phone and sent a text message to Bai Lu saying that the person you are waiting for may not be the person in your memory. After so many years, he may have changed a lot, even to the point where he himself can't recognize himself. He is not worth your waiting.
After I finished editing the text message, I looked at it for a long time before I pressed the send button. I hated myself more and more because I found that I always said one thing and meant another.
After a long time, Bai Lu's text message came back. She said that actually she knew everything I said, and she also knew that the man might have long since changed into the little boy who loved to tell jokes in her memory. But some things are not so easy to forget, like the marks engraved in the heart. She also thought that she had forgotten them long ago, but there would always be the smallest people or things in life that reminded her of them, and those marks engraved in the heart would glow, break free from the scabs formed by all the time, and the brightest red blood would seep out of the wounds in the memory, making her forget herself in pain and only remember the boy in the memory.
She felt like a slowly crawling snail, and these memories were the shell on her back. She didn't know whether this shell of memory had been protecting her innocent heart from the outside world and allowing her to live in the beautiful memories of her childhood, or whether it had become a burden in her life, making her move forward with a heavy load. However, she always believed that perhaps one day she would forget these memories, but she didn't know what would become of a snail without a shell. It might be crushed by the world in an instant, or it might be like a caterpillar that emerged from its cocoon and become a butterfly, gaining a new form, blooming with her own beauty, and flying freely in this world.
But she didn't know how long she would have to wait until that day, until the day when she would forget these most precious things of hers. Maybe she would only have to wait one more day, or maybe she would have to wait another year, or of course maybe she would have to wait a lifetime. But no matter whether she waited for that day or not, she would not complain, because this was her fate.
When I finished reading her text message, I couldn't speak for a long time, I just felt my nose was very sour, I closed my mouth tightly, as if if I opened it a little bit, all the words hidden in my heart would burst out, I could only desperately suppress the impulse in my heart, the impulse to rush to her, the impulse to tell her that my heart was also branded with the same mark as hers, but I can't, I can't, because those memories are not my shell, I can't stand in one place waiting for her, and then wait for her to come to me after all the hardships, and then give her a fatal blow, I can't do it but I can't forget, I am a cowardly and selfish person, I am afraid of commitment, I am afraid of standing at the end of her journey but unable to give her the happiness she deserves, forgive me, because I am only an eighteen-year-old boy.
In the end, I just lowered my head, gently typed the three words "I'm sorry" on my phone and sent it. All the emotions accumulated in my heart, but the only words that could flow out were the three words "I'm sorry". There was so much I wanted to say, but in the end, only the three words "I'm sorry" could come out. They were like my own name, so powerless and pale.
But Bailu soon sent me another text message saying that it was okay, because it was all destined, she didn't blame me, and she was not as fragile as she looked. She was actually a very strong person. She also asked me if I remembered when we were little, she ran behind me and never cried when she fell. Instead, I would blame myself and cry when I saw her fall like that. Every time she smiled and comforted me, saying that she was okay. When I saw this, I couldn't bear it anymore. I ran out of the classroom with my mobile phone, ran downstairs desperately, ran to the door of the dark library, and shouted her name frantically. I didn't care how those passers-by looked at me with strange eyes, but after shouting her name, I could only stand there blankly and say silently, I'm sorry.
I sat alone on the cold stone steps at the entrance of the library, where we used to sit together, but now I was sitting there alone. The bell for evening self-study rang in the teaching building, but I just looked at the students rushing to their classes without any feeling, because I just kept repeating in my mind the question that Zhang Nuan asked me: Do I like her or not
But I don't know, I really don't know, because every time I want to tell myself that I like her, there is always a voice in my ear saying that guilt does not mean love, you just want to make up for the mistakes you made, but when you really decide to be with her, you will find that you don't like her, and then you will hurt her even more deeply, you selfish scum just want to make yourself feel better.
But every time when I want to tell myself resolutely that I don't like her, I will think of the little things I did with her when I was a child. Those childhood memories that are impossible to remember are now reproduced in my mind more clearly than anything else, even the door of the library where I am sitting now. It's all because of her. I don't know, I really don't know. In the end, I can only look up at the night sky blankly. There are no stars tonight. I just repeat to myself over and over again what she said to me, that all this is just fate.
I have never regretted meeting her, after all, those are my most beautiful memories. But I always can't help thinking over and over again, what would happen to us if I hadn't done those things to hurt her. I thought about it for a while and couldn't help laughing, because I felt that even if I didn't do those wrong things, I would always do something else to hurt her, because I am such a person, a selfish person.
I sighed and shook my head, feeling like I was a bad person, but I always met these kind-hearted girls who were willing to tolerate me. I didn't know what God was thinking, letting me have these experiences and meet these kindest girls. I just couldn't help but think, what would happen to me if one day these girls disappeared from my life? I shook my head, not wanting to think about it anymore.
At this moment, my cell phone vibrated. I opened it and saw that it was Zhang Nuan who sent me a text message. She asked me, "Are you okay?"
I hesitated for a moment, but couldn't help but reply. We started chatting. Today, she seemed different from usual, less willful, but more considerate. She didn't deliberately comfort me, but kept listening to me. I don't know why, but I was willing to tell her all my thoughts. Although I felt that I was too selfish and cowardly, I was not afraid to expose my shortcomings to her, and she would not criticize me or dislike me because of these. She just told me that everyone has shortcomings, no one is a perfect person, because no one is a complete person. People are born incomplete, and only when they find their other half can they become complete. I asked her, how can I know who my other half is? Zhang Nuan just told me that I didn't know.
Later we talked a lot more. Even when Lin Yi sent me a text message asking me to do a psychological test, I used the excuse that I was sleepy and wanted to sleep for a while to get rid of it. After talking so much with Zhang Nuan, what impressed me most was what she told me, that some people are destined to be apart, so we should learn to let go.
I know she was trying to enlighten me about Bai Lu, but I think it's easier said than done. I didn't tell her that, but asked her, "Do you think you and Big Stupid Bear are not meant to be together?" She said yes.
I asked her again, "Have you let it go?" Zhang Nuan stopped talking, so I told her again, "Everyone has obstacles that they can't overcome. I am Bai Lu, and you are your big stupid bear."
Zhang Nuan thought about it for a long time, and I thought she didn't want to talk to me anymore. Then she sent me a text message saying that she had been looking for a way to get over this hurdle, and maybe she would find a way to get over this hurdle soon.
I smiled and replied to her, "Don't just get over this hurdle and find another one." Zhang Nuan replied to my text message, telling me to go back to the dormitory and go to sleep, and then she said goodbye with an exclamation mark.
I stood up and went back to the dormitory to sleep. Of course, I still said good night to Lin Yi at night. Although I felt a little guilty, I didn’t say anything else to Lin Yi. I just lied to her and said that I had a headache, so I wanted to go to bed early.
Lin Yi could only ask me to rest early, but I still told her that we would have breakfast together in the morning. She just said yes, and we ended our chat at night. The next morning, I felt that everything seemed to be back to normal. I went to the cafeteria with Lin Yi to have breakfast. The chat that we didn't have last night seemed to be made up in the morning. Then I brought a few buns for Zhang Nuan, but I didn't dare to buy her sauerkraut ones, because I couldn't stand the smell of sauerkraut in her mouth when she talked to me.
When I got back and saw Zhang Nuan, she was just the same as usual. After a while of fooling around, a few buns made her smile. At that time, I couldn't help but think in my heart that little girls are easy to fool.