Meng Xintang is 33 years old and has experienced a lot of things in the world. He knows very well what the world is like, how bad and how good it is, and he thinks that he has been able to contain or tolerate all these good and bad things. But at this moment, my heart is still hurt and blocked, for the respectable person who should live well, for the family that used to be poetry and fairy tales, and for the person around me who mentioned the past in a plain way.
After Shen Shiyan finished speaking, he lowered his body a little, hunched over the guardrail, his chin rested on his arm, and the moonlight was as quiet as a green lake in late autumn.
Meng Xintang retracted his gaze from him, lightly brushed the cigarette in his hand, and kissed it to his lips. There are children playing around, adults' soft scolding, and untuned drunk singing floating next to them. There seemed to be a man in a white coat in front of him, a chaos full of blood and tears, a farewell of life and death and turned around.
And, a teenager looking at the long road ahead.
There is love, there is hatred, this is the world they live in, and it is also the warmth and warmth that the deceased people have walked through.
He patted Shen Shiyan's back lightly and used a silent way to get close to his emotions at this time.
"Sometimes I wonder, what was my father thinking before he closed his eyes?"
Saying that, Shen Shiyan closed his eyes, as if he was having a soul exchange across time and space. This is a question that he often thinks about. It's not a bullshit. It's just because he wants to know and has no way to prove it, he has been guessing for so many years.
Fear? panic? miss? still…
"I guess he's thinking about your mother and you." Meng Xintang's voice suddenly sounded.
Shen Shiyan was stunned, then turned to look at Meng Xintang.
"Whatever is on his mind, I don't think he regrets being a doctor."
This is what makes Meng Xintang amazing in Shen Shiyan's view. He can know what you are thinking, and he can tell you an answer when your guesses are hard to say.
"Your father is a good doctor. I admire him very much. Such a person will not deny his lifelong dedication when facing death, because everything he does is rational." Meng Xintang paused After a long while, he continued, "The human heart is the most unpredictable and sometimes the most terrifying, but we are not living for the human heart, nor should we live to fear the human heart."
Meng Xintang's words were not plain, but Shen Shiyan understood it, because he had thought about it all.
The answer that I had been chasing after many years ago was brewed by the moonlight in such a night. Shen Shiyan suddenly felt at ease. It's one thing to believe yourself, it's another to have someone believe with you and tell you you're not blind.
At this time, Meng Xintang had just pulled away from the painful past he had heard, but he immediately thought that his words of consolation were too grandiose. "You shouldn't live to be afraid of people's hearts." This sentence is easy to say. In such a situation, how can Shen Shiyan accept the ugly side of people's hearts
He completely agreed with Shen Shiyan's choice after that, but he was curious as to what made him insist so much, even if the blood of the people he had met before did not recede.
He was silent for a while, and then asked, "Then why do you insist on being a doctor?" After that, he added as if to emphasize: "I'm not questioning you, I just think you're amazing. If it were me, I might not be able to do it."
Hearing this, Shen Shiyan raised his chin slightly, squinted his eyes and said, "I like it."
He answered quickly, and it should be a familiar answer.
"Ever since I went to the hospital to find my father when I was a child, I felt that the hospital is a very sacred place. A person's first encounter and farewell to the world happens in the hospital, or, in other words, it is a place where people are greeted and sent to life. "
Meng Xintang was dumbfounded: "Is that so?"
Shen Shiyan nodded.
This is the difference between people. Meng Xintang can accept the idea of being ushered and sent, but I am afraid that he will avoid it. This is the same principle as hospitality. How precious life is, how troublesome it will be to welcome and send it, and how much it highlights the world.
"In the beginning, the reason was this simple. I once told Yan Wu that he liked playing the piano, so he went to the music school, and I liked being a doctor, so he went to the medical school. This career is risky and tiring, I know it, but it will not become The reason I want to give it up. Like you said, we choose a career not because of how much glory and how much wealth it can bring us, but because we identify with its meaning.”
Meng Xintang was a little stunned to hear this, but after hesitating for a moment, he asked, "Did I say that?"
Shen Shiyan's chin was still resting on his arm, and he squinted and smiled at him: "Isn't that what you meant just now? We don't live for people's hearts, and we shouldn't be afraid of them. Then why do we live and why do we choose?"
Meng Xintang then smiled lightly and shook his head, a translucent person.
"Actually, after my mother passed away, I also hesitated for a while. I thought, that accident caused me to lose my father and my mother, can I still wear that dress to see a patient without any qualms. But in 2008, I graduated from undergraduate and did an internship and went to Beichuan as a volunteer. After that time, I knew that I would stay in this position for the rest of my life."
In 2008, there was a huge earthquake in Wenchuan County, Sichuan Province. Days of black-and-white TV footage, and the mournful bell tolling on the National Day of Mourning.
"Why?" Meng Xintang asked softly.
"I really took over my life, I dealt with my death, and I couldn't leave.
"The first wounded I rescued after arriving there was a little girl, a primary school student. When the two soldiers dug her out from under the cement board, she opened her eyes once and asked me, brother, can I still live. I told her I could... but I broke my promise."
When Shen Shiyan said this, it seemed to be in a normal tone, but after listening carefully, the ending trembled and became weaker.
Meng Xintang couldn't personally feel the feeling of taking over life and taking care of death, but from Shen Shiyan's slight trembling, he could see the tears he once shed for life.
"When I was studying, my grades were actually very good. I felt that I knew all kinds of cases by heart, but when I really got there, I felt like I couldn't do anything. Life is too fragile, and I thought about saving a few more lives. Personally, there are still so many people who died, and even sometimes, I was rescuing a wounded person and carried another one. It took two hours for the soldiers to dig and rescue him, but I haven't had time to rescue him. , he closed his eyes." He gave a wry smile, "People who have never seen a disaster will never understand what a disaster is. What kind of people, interests, selfishness and greed, at that time... "
"Not at all."
Even if he can see good and evil in front of the hospital bed, what if there is a chilling accident, he is a doctor and wants to cure his patients, that's all. As for the human heart, it is a category of human beings, and no one has thoroughly studied it since ancient times.
I have seen extreme evil, and I have seen eyes that simply look at me and yearn for life.
Shen Shiyan narrowed his eyes, and the lights in the distance reflected in his eyes, purple and red, the most beautiful colors. It made him look like a warrior in armor, looking back.
Meng Xintang could see that he was fascinated.
In the eyes of lovers, not all Xi Shi, but also heroes, and the future of wind and rain.
"I heard Xinchu say, you..." He looked at him and said, "great."
Just going to Beichuan as an intern at that time was great enough.
"There is nothing great," Shen Shiyan smiled lightly and waved his hand, "I just completely remembered what a doctor is and what my responsibilities are."
"Not everyone can have such a responsibility," Meng Xintang said. "You are special."
Meng Xintang said these words implicitly. In his opinion, Shen Shiyan is the number one in this world, and there is no one better than him. He once thought that he lived a comfortable and innocent life, but it turned out that he knew life and death better than anyone else, and was well versed in human affairs.
The two stood for a while and talked for a while. Shen Shiyan glanced at the watch on his wrist and was a little surprised.
"It's already eleven o'clock, let's go back, it's cold now, you're still injured, don't catch a cold."
The sleeves of the people around him were floating, and Meng Xintang suddenly stretched out his hand and grabbed the wrist.
With the arm he just scratched for him.
"A few more words, give me a few more minutes, okay?"
I don't know if it was the evening breeze or the words that were intoxicating, but after Meng Xintang's words came out, Shen Shiyan suddenly fainted.
Later, Shen Shiyan recalled that it should be because the hand that was holding him was so tight that it became a naked hint.
Silently, Shen Shiyan leaned back against the railing again. This time it was back to back, and the two looked in different directions, looking at different nights.
With his consent, Meng Xintang lit another cigarette, but after silently taking two puffs, he pinched it and held it in his hand.
"Actually, a long time ago, I was sure that I would not have a marriage. My parents are both engaged in research work, very busy, and seldom go home. Not only are they busy at work, but also in special times, they will be subject to corresponding restrictions. For example, my father What we do is nuclear submarine protection, it is normal not to see each other once a year, the longest one, we haven't seen each other for three years."
Hearing this, Shen Shiyan tilted his head to look at Meng Xintang. Meng Xintang took his gaze and smiled.
"I tell you this because I want you to understand my situation before making a decision.
"I don't know how far I will be at work in the future, but like you, I won't stop doing my best because of the possibility of being unfree or even dangerous. So, if I have a lover, I don't Determine how much time I can spend with him and how long he needs to wait for me. That's why I hesitated."
The cigarette in his hand has changed in many shapes, and even cut tobacco is curled up on Meng Xintang's ring finger.
Meng Xintang spoke very carefully, he stated his situation objectively, and hoped very much to be understood and accepted. He wasn't sure how much time they would spend together, but if he could, he wanted to book his years from now on. Whether walking with you or looking at each other from a distance, as long as he says yes, he can't wait for a second.
In the end, Meng Xintang sighed, wondering if he was laughing: "I have made choices before, but I found that in front of you, my choices are not worth mentioning at all. Shi Yan, if you can accept such a my accompany, then I hope you can consider... "
"We are together."
Really at this time, Shen Shiyan didn't have any heartbeat, just as if he had just finished drinking a pot of cinnamon wine and was shocked by a heavy rain.
Lifting his eyes, he closed his eyes and slept soundly.
I do not know the heart is dreaming and drunk.