(superior)
Shen Zhifan turned down silently.
For Shen Zhifan at that time, the road ahead was a long dark night, and anything could become the light straw that broke the camel at any time.
His hard work seems cute now, but when he wrote those words at that time, his heart was never cute or funny, but full of melancholy and anxiety about tomorrow's life and death.
He never actually wrote what he was going to do tomorrow, or what he was going to do after the next game.
Of course, it's not that he doesn't want to imagine a better future. It's just that he is too confused. When he doesn't know whether he can survive tomorrow, any "tomorrow plan" seems a bit pitiful at this time.
So he could only write vaguely.
Write about his somewhat illusory future, and brush it with as vague a brush as possible. For example, if there is one, he can start a small magazine like "Mechanical Eagle". Difficulties, just barely able to live a little life.
A person's needs changed with the current situation. At that time, he lived in darkness where no light could be seen. Pain and scars were attached to his body like breathing. It was a sad thing to get used to the pain. But sometimes you have to get used to it.
This "helplessness" seems to be more desperate and breathless than the "pain" itself.
So his wishes seem so pitiful, only a little bit higher than they were at the time.
Shen Zhifan couldn't help but want to cry a little bit, but he cried so much that his teacher was unknown, so he gave up.
Because it was unnecessary, he didn't know if Shen Zhifan cried at that time, but he guessed no, he forgot, but his body still remembered in a trance.
If Shen Zhifan, who had personally experienced the darkness, didn't cry, then now he has no right or need to shed two tears here.
It's not because of empathy, but because of this strange perception that I am you.
People are very strange. Sometimes the pitiful and tragic situation of others can often make you shed two tears, but when you face that kind of despair yourself, you suddenly realize that there is nothing to cry about. I deeply feel it. The kind of compassion that used to be only because of one's own superiority.
Only when you are in this kind of mud can you be so awake.
However, no matter how muddy and bumpy the road is, it can be truly trampled underfoot step by step.
Bit by bit, Shen Zhifan watched the confused young man struggling in pain and hesitation, being forcibly dragged by invisible ropes, grinding away every inch of his body, soaking in countless sticky, fishy blood stains.
But even so, the occasional shattered sunlight made him move forward step by step so unswervingly.
Staggering and persistent, humble and almost great.
He has survived every life and death, luck is not all lucky, his talent has allowed him to slowly emerge.
But this is not a good thing, it means that he is noticed by the audience, and also by the vicious outlaws.
The most bitter one was when he became famous in the underground mecha field.
His whole body was almost broken, and he was about to lose his experience. He was beaten back to his original shape. It was so miserable. His whole body was soaked in blood like a newcomer. No, it was even more tragic than the beginning. If this Time to remove those bloodstains, then presumably his body must be gray and white due to excessive blood loss.
"I felt yesterday that I was going to die, I was really going to die, so I couldn't record it. To be honest, sometimes I'm at a loss as to why I'm writing this down. If I die today, this diary will follow There is no point in my death being ashes."
"It's a little better today. Well, that's what the doctor said, but I clearly feel more pain than yesterday. I don't know if I can survive today."
The space here is chaotic, and the handwriting is very scribbled. Obviously, he was very hard at that time, and his consciousness was a little vague.
"My eardrum shattered again, the old injury came back so it felt more painful than before, Nia tried so hard to tell me something, but I couldn't hear it at all, I could only see her lips closed, I tried to give her A smile is of no use."
"Aibo was crying for me too. I tried to appease him, but maybe I looked too scary, so I scared him to cry instead."
"That doctor, well, that quack doctor said that my internal organs are soaked in blood now, no wonder I am a little bit... Strange, I said it was pointless, but I couldn't help writing it like this... "
"I'm going to die, yes, maybe this time I'm really going to die, I lived and then died, there's nothing to say."
But "nothing more to say" was apparently quickly crossed out, and he went on to write chaotically.
"No, let me say a few more words, my sister-Shen Zhirou, my brother has always wanted to tell you that although you are not that beautiful, you are always the cutest in my brother's heart, because you want to hug your cuteness, I don't know how to bless you, but I hope you must be happy... Even if my brother dies, my brother will watch you in the sky with my parents. "
"Although it is a bit suspected of deceiving children, please believe me."
"You are very smart and gentle, and you are no worse than those beautiful girls you long for. You are the light that supports my brother all the way... I love you very much, but I don't know how to express it, but really, my brother is more than I imagined. Love you."
He emphasized it over and over again, the handwriting was so dazzling that even Shen Zhifan himself could hardly read it, but he really emphasized it with great certainty.
"I know you've always liked the freckled boy in the orphanage, but he's not a good boy. He often uses embarrassing and obscene words to evaluate girls behind his back, which is very unethical."
"I have never told you because I am afraid that you will be sad, so I don't want you to choose him. Even if he has a good skin, the skin is not important. If you choose this way, you might as well choose your brother's body, if you can get it."
"But I guess you won't be able to get it, because I may be buried in a mass grave, or even worse, taken away by some perverts... I haven't told you, but someone here is indeed coveting your brother's beauty. She's not a normal person yet."
"It seemed a little out of tune when I was talking. I wanted to laugh a little bit, which made it less painful for me to breathe, but obviously my lungs are leaking everywhere now, as if you lost all four front teeth many years ago. look."
"You must be smarter. If your brother is gone, you must live well. Although it is very tired, you will be very happy occasionally."
"I know you want to be in a relationship, but definitely don't be in a relationship for the sake of it, it's pointless, it sounds cool but it's not cool at all."
"I may not be able to see you getting married. Will you get married? I heard that getting married is the most beautiful way for a girl. I want to see you, but it doesn't seem like the chance is very big."
"Don't get married for the sake of getting married. No one will force you after your brother dies. If you are afraid that no one will take care of you, you will go directly to the orphanage to adopt one. After you go there, you will find that there are so many homeless children like us, although There are assholes, but there are also good kids."
"I hope you are well, everything is well, and even the future that my brother may not be able to have."
"If you want to marry love, although I don't know exactly what love is, if that person makes you feel relaxed, happy and comfortable, or if you have difficulties but always snuggle all the way, then it should be."
"Maybe I can survive."
I paused here for a long time, and the long stay of the pen made the end of the last stroke of the last word "ni" blurred a lot, and it merged with the last full stop.
"No, it's too difficult. I dare not stop writing, I dare not sleep, my consciousness is against my will, but I can't sleep, I at least finish writing, it doesn't make sense, but maybe it's my death It's the only fucking thing that can prove my deep existence."
The handwriting here was indescribably light, and Shen Zhifan tried hard to identify it.
He thought that the day would end here, because there was still half a page left, which logically had come to an abrupt end, so he subconsciously wanted to read the content of the next one, and was suddenly taken aback by the content of the next page. Jump.
"I don't want to die" was written all over the page.
All kinds of handwriting, although most of them are in a mess, but the length of stay can be seen from the shade.
These "I don't want to die" competed in different depths to see who was more sloppy than the other, and they scrambled to layer one after another, as if it was really too late in the next second.
But he believed that he had such an idea at the time, and kept writing, lest it would be interrupted in the next second, and it would be too late.
The whole page of "I don't want to die" is so shocking that you can deeply feel the despair and struggle of the young man back then without having to look closely. There are also black and brown dots on it. You don't need to guess to know that it is too solid. long bloodstains.
At that time, he really knew that he was going to die. He just said calmly and fearlessly, "I lived, and then died, there is nothing to say", but in the blink of an eye, he was so unwilling to write it down so bluntly. The truest thoughts in his heart.
His hand trembled as he saw it, and the diary almost slipped out of his hand.
Shen Zhifan hurriedly put the diary right again, he subconsciously didn't want to read that page again, and hurriedly turned over again.
The page just now was beyond Shen Zhifan's expectations, but he didn't expect it to be finished.
He deeply felt that human potential is indeed endless. He seemed to be just venting his anguish and unwillingness on that page. On this page, the handwriting miraculously became beautiful again.
"There's a guy... there's a guy who may never know that I'm dying in a place like this, because he's a place... I can't touch it at all, like moonlight, like the sun, but I want to talk about him, though This feeling is more meaningless than this diary."
"Well, obviously he is more important in my consciousness than I thought. You can see that my handwriting suddenly improves. I don't think I have written such a beautiful handwriting when I was awake."
"When I liked him, I was only fourteen years old. It's a bit one-sided to say that I like him, but it's actually very complicated. How can I put it... Adoration, longing, incredible? Yes, it was incredible for me at the time, when I was surrounded by Fourteen or fifteen-year-old boys like me, we all have no ambitions to live by, in fact, we didn’t feel bad at all, after all, thinking about it now, it’s very comfortable to live a chaotic life every day.”
"But one day I suddenly saw him. It's hard to imagine that he's only five years older than me, and he's already such a character... It's incredible, it turns out that there are people like us in this world, and there are people like him. ."
"I know that the most important thing between me and him is one's background. When I grow up, it is inevitable that I will understand that this world that advocates justice and humanity only seems to be sanctimonious, and it does not boast so well, even if it is euphemistically, The distance between me and him should also be slightly larger than the distance between him and his dog, if he has a dog."
"So although I wanted to meet him, I always knew it was just an extravagant hope."
"So I didn't expect that I actually met him. It was two years ago, and he may not remember at all."
"I'm sure it's him, although it's like a dream, but I'm really... I'm sure he's not wrong. Of course, he may not remember me. After all, we've only been together for three days."
"And at the time he was covered in blood and unconscious... Shouldn't he be conscious? Of course, it's best to remember."
"I can't remember how I felt at the time as the days passed, but when I think about it, it makes me a little... excited, very good, keep it up, just stay awake and don't sleep."
"Go on, I saw him, I even kissed him secretly, it doesn't matter he doesn't know anyway."
"He's even more handsome than in 'Mechanical Eagle', the photo made his face bigger."
"I... In short, I couldn't say anything in those three days, so I won't write anymore."
…Did something strange happen in those three days
Why don't you focus on the main show
Shen Zhifan looked a little angry and unreasonable.
"He may not remember me at all, and he will never know what kind of thoughts I have and where I died. In fact, I don't want him to know that I am so pitiful."
"I may like him more than I imagined. To put it simply, he is my dream lover. I like his appearance and body, even if it is a secret love that never ends. To put it a little deeper, he is mine. Spiritual mentor, although we didn't say a word, I mostly learned everything about him through the unreliable places like "Mechanical Eagle", but he is still my guiding light, letting me escape from that kind of willingness. Confused."
"He may be a tall tower on a mountain that I can never reach. It's actually very painful to chase what I can never reach, and I feel powerless, but if it's him, I'll be happy."
"So I can say that the happiest time in my life is about three days. I am very happy to meet him."
"I may really be dying, otherwise why am I so happy to write, I'm not sleepy at all, maybe it's a return to light."
"Okay, he should never know that I exist. Although it's a bit sad, it's over."
"It's dawn, I'm probably leaving."
"Goodbye really."
"...Fuck, the doctor is here, and he actually said I'm fine?"
"This quack doctor, stop joking, I'm full of holes now, my lungs are still leaking air, and I can't say a word, okay? It's all right?"
"Well, I admit that I'm not angry at all, I want to laugh, if my lungs don't hurt so much, I want to laugh so that the whole underground mech field can hear it."
"I should have survived, thanks to the world, thanks to my sister, thanks to Niya and Aibo, thanks to... him."
"thanks."
"I'm alive."
(Down)
Seeing that at the end Shen Zhifan breathed a sigh of relief, even if he clearly understood that of course he survived, otherwise he would not exist now.
But looking at it, I was still moved by the ignorant and hesitant diary of the young man, and was sad and happy for his joys and sorrows.
This is how I survived. I almost died, but I didn't die. Before I died, I recalled a lot and struggled a lot. It was very hard and not easy to survive.
But in general, it was actually similar to what Shen Zhifan imagined. The spoken diary allowed him to fully imagine his own tone.
But what was strange to him was that this diary was really not that thick, and it was almost the end of it when I wrote it down here.
He felt something wrong in his heart and turned to the last page.
It was 31 years ago. After surviving that time, he did not record much. After a quick glance, we could roughly understand that after that battle, he finally made a name for himself, and he was no longer the one at the bottom. Critic, life is no longer so depressing and terrifying.
He enjoyed his relatively happy and relaxed days to the fullest, and would not have particularly ample time to write too many diaries.
So this diary ends abruptly here, there is no more.
"Mr. Gurley came to see me today, and he took me to meet the man."
"He asked me if I wanted to know the truth."
"I always thought it was just a terrorist organization that a country feared. I'm weak, I don't want to admit it, but I still have self-awareness, so I never thought about revenge."
"That's why I hid like a mouse in a ditch and worked so hard to live."
"But now it seems like a joke."
"Just for such a purpose, for such a ridiculous truth, what kind of stupid country is this, and what kind of stupid leaders it is."
"He's right."
It came to an abrupt end.
Shen Zhifan fumbled around the dark cabinet for a long time but couldn't find the remaining one.
No, it's impossible not to, Shen Zhirou said that he often kept a diary, and it should have been 32 years since he moved here, and there should be a copy.
And that should have been more important.
If he remembers correctly, what Yan Shuo said was that he reunited with him two years ago, which was 31 years ago, but he has not recorded it yet. Obviously, it is something that will come later. Otherwise, it is impossible for him to avoid such an important thing recorded.
He has probably learned about 26-31 years, and the rest is 31-now.
Also, he was very concerned about Mr. Gurley. He was probably the one who waited for Shen Zhifan to come here in the first place, and the "that person" on the last page also made him very concerned.
Who, what did you see, what did you know
I don't know at all, but in a few words, Shen Zhifan still felt a strong sense of hostility.
He opened the phone, Shen Zhifan's phone was very strange, there were few numbers with notes on it, except for Shen Zhirou, it seemed like he didn't have much connection with this world.
Most of the notes are letters, such as this "f", he doesn't know who it is.
But in the days since he lost his memory, no one really contacted him.
Is it not important.
Wait, he grabs a hand.
Suddenly I turned to a hidden address book, and the fingerprint was easily unlocked. This address book was also very strange, with only one number and no remarks.
I don't know who it is at all, I don't have any information when I click on it, I don't know if it is really not contacted at all or it has been deleted.
He came up on an impulse and hit him like that.
…
"Why, don't you believe it?"
Olivia sighed.
"Okay, I know it might make you a little unhappy to accept it. I can probably see a little... Your relationship with Shen Zhifan, but it's true."
"Shen Zhifan's next target is likely to be you."
"It's not easy for me to escape, General Yan."
When she gets up and doesn't blow bubbles, she still has the temperament of a princess of a country.
"I've seen Ferdinandia's 'death list', and our husband and wife are at the top of the list. Are you moved?"
Yan Shuo finally calmed down, he quickly analyzed all the information, answered and corrected in a calm and polite manner.
"I moved, but we are not husband and wife, Your Highness."
Olivia narrowed her eyes slightly and shrugged helplessly.
"Yes, we were not husband and wife originally. If your short-lived ghost brother is not dead, the object of my marriage contract is that he is not you."
Yan Shuo is constantly contacting some people. The secrets of the royal family learned tonight are a little scary and explosive, and he needs to start to make some preparations.
But even so, he replied to Olivia without revealing anything.
"Actually, Your Highness, you don't have to pretend that you don't care. I know that you are very sad about my brother's death. Appropriately showing weakness in front of me may strengthen the trust between us."
Olivia was stunned, her eyes a little dazed.
Olivia was not his fiancée at first, and Yan Shuo inevitably recalled some past events.
Not only this noble fiancée, but everything he has now was originally not his turn.
If it wasn't for the accidental death of his brother, he was just a child who grew up in an unknown food alley. Because his mother was taken care of, he lived a wealthy but not very happy life.
Although it's almost the same now.
What he said to Shen Zhifan was not a joke. If he wasn't the lieutenant general, he really wanted to open a grilled fish restaurant.
Even now, he has thought that he will retire one day. When he is old, he will find a place with a normal location and open a grilled fish restaurant with a normal taste.
… Shen Zhifan should also like to eat grilled fish.
Look at how he liked grilled fish so much even when he was drunk last time.
There was a trace of pain in Olivia's eyes. Yan Shuo once had an elder brother, Yan Jincheng. Although she and Yan Jincheng were quite different in age, they were still childhood sweethearts.
In any case, it's better than this halfway through Yan Shuo, but unfortunately Yan Shuo is much more capable than they expected. Her mother still entrusted her to the Yan family before she died, proving that she also recognized Yan Shuo. Strength.
In the end, Yan Shuo didn't want to marry her.
Yan Shuo is a very strange person. To be honest, Olivia considers herself to be smart, but for so many years, she has no idea what kind of person Yan Shuo is.
To say that he is serious and meticulous is not wrong, he is always like this in the eyes of others, but occasionally... Occasionally Olivia will feel that there is a slightly extreme temperament in him.
But to say that he is extreme, he is too self-disciplined, he has not done anything with loopholes, and has almost no flaws.
No flaws are usually perverts with high IQs, Olivia thought so, but Yan Shuo was so human, she was embarrassed to judge that face.
In fact, aside from external factors, Shen Zhifan is actually the man who best suits her aesthetics. She doesn't like too rough muscular men, nor does she like weak and weak Bai Zhanji.
Shen Zhifan is located between the two, the proportions are perfect, and there is a little melancholy temperament that can stimulate girlish feelings and natural motherhood.
But Yan Shuo is another kind of handsome, he is more mature, his eyebrows are more aggressive than Shen Zhifan, and even if he doesn't speak, one can feel the strong taste of male hormones.
But aggression always gives people the illusion of danger. Even if Shen Zhifan is more dangerous than Yan Shuo, Olivia still feels uneasy when she looks at Yan Shuo.
If it weren't for the fact that he couldn't find someone to rely on, Yan Shuo would not be the best choice.
He doesn't like her, even if he has a marriage contract, he has no sense of responsibility to her.
She shouted indifferently about some short-lived ghost, but Yan Shuo knew that she might have an inestimable deep affection for her brother who passed away at a young age.
"Would you, for your brother's sake?"
Olivia looked at him.
Yan Shuo paused for a moment, then replied suddenly.
"Won't."
Olivia suddenly smiled: "I suddenly found out that you are a bastard."
Yan Shuo's subordinates were fast, but that didn't prevent him from smiling at her in a noncommittal manner.
"Actually, you're the happiest when Yan Jincheng is dead," Olivia raised her head slightly, the glint in her eyes gave her the illusion that she was very sad, "You have everything he has, because he died , the dead have no value, you are lucky."
The movement of his hands finally stopped, and he put on his coat again, but Olivia's eyes moved and she took a slight step back.
"His Royal Highness, I don't want to mention the past, but in fact, I may not like this luck very much."
"No one asked me if I wanted to, so I was forced to put ducks on the shelves."
A drop of cold sweat fell on Olivia's forehead, and she tried her best to remain calm in front of the damn gun.
"Okay, okay, it's my fault," Olivia said, although she has been favored since she was a child, but she unexpectedly knew what it means to be a man of current affairs. "But to be honest, your delicate fiancee doesn't like this thing very much."
Yan Shuo curled the corners of his mouth. He had always had a cold face like an iceberg, but such a smile had an indescribable charm.
"I will tell my father the sad news of your unfortunate sacrifice."
"Fuck," Olivia couldn't help scolding from her teeth, she didn't dare to step back, because she didn't think Yan Shuo was joking, "Don't you think it's too immoral to do this, right? Is this country too disloyal?!"
Did she bet wrong.
Where is the mistake? Is Yan Shuo also from Ferdinand
Being stared at by Ferdinand's viper-like eyes, she suddenly felt a hint of despair.
Yan Shuo's subordinates moved without hesitation.
She closed her eyes abruptly, and death seemed to embrace her at this moment, but it didn't.
very quiet.
Her limbs were a little stiff, and after half a minute, she exhaled fiercely and stared at the man in front of her with gnashing teeth.
"Very well, then, where did I offend you?"
Olivia suddenly felt that her sixth sense couldn't be more accurate, Yan Shuo really is a bastard, look, he pretends to be better than anyone else, just, handsome, serious, loyal, meticulous, in a standard sense the righteous gentleman.
But is he
He's not fucking at all.
"Don't be nervous, Your Highness," he withdrew that rare smile, "I just want to remind you not to use him as a bargaining chip between us."
he
Olivia flashed through her mind quickly, and finally it was frozen.
"He... is indeed Ferdinand's sharp blade," Olivia rolled her eyes, she was very clever, "but he was used, and it has nothing to do with Ferdinand's rebellion..."
Yan Shuo's expression softened slightly.
She continued: "And he lost his memory, because he wanted to quit, so he was persecuted."
Yan Shuo nodded: "You would say the same in front of my father, right?"
Olivia wanted to roll her eyes a little.
Sure enough, it was because of Shen Zhifan. To be honest, she really didn't see the relationship between Yan Shuo and Shen Zhifan.
Although I can probably see that, I used to think that Yan Shuo was looking at Shen Zhifan... His eyes were not quite right. Although his sixth sense was enlightening, Yan Shuo was too restrained, and there was no flaw.
I didn't expect that Yan Shuo was really serious, he knew that Shen Zhifan's next target was him, but he didn't even care.
A woman's innate ability is to gossip, and Olivia was almost moved by Yan Shuo's infatuation that hit her worldview a bit.
This eldest brother, with all due respect, he wants to kill you, not you, how can you maintain him so unreservedly
... something is wrong.
Shake m
Olivia's face was indescribable, but she swallowed it all in the end.
"By the way, Your Highness, you haven't said the reason for his amnesia."
Olivia sighed.
"Hypnosis, very special hypnotism, my unique skill, but I thought it would definitely fail. No matter how magical hypnosis is, it is only useful for people with weak willpower, but it succeeded."
Thinking of this, Olivia also raised her eyebrows in confusion.
"But Shen Zhifan is not a person with such weak willpower. I have investigated his previous experience. He absolutely cannot be that kind of person. There is only one possibility.
"Subconsciously, he wanted to forget these things, so I succeeded."
Yan Shuo lowered his eyes: "But it's very unstable. He seems to remember it at any time, and when he comes into contact with the mecha."
Olivia was a little embarrassed: "... This is not something I can control, the big deal, I will try again when he remembers?"
Yan Shuo glanced at her curiously: "Why, do you think I really don't want him to remember?"
Olivia was startled: "...you, do you want him to remember?"
Yan Shuo looked down at his watch: "Actually, I'm looking forward to it, when you talk about his relationship with Ferdinand."
Olivia was taken aback.
"I always thought he liked Ferdinand, but now it doesn't seem to be the case." Yan Shuo seemed to be in a good mood, "I'm very happy."
… the ears are going deaf.
Olivia couldn't help breaking his fantasy: "But apparently they got very close, and it was obviously Ferdinand who saved him, besides, Shen Zhifan hates the whole empire, he treats you..."
Yan Shuo gave her a displeased look.
... Via, smile, Via, bear the calm for a while.
Olivia swallowed what she was about to say and smiled: "But I can still see that he is struggling for you. Obviously, your status is higher in his heart."
Pooh.
Yan Shuo nodded, and his mood actually improved at a speed visible to the naked eye.
Men are still complex and simple creatures.
Olivia felt a hint of despair.
But at this time Yan Shuo's phone rang, and Olivia was moved to hope that he could do something serious.
But when Yan Shuo's eyes lit up, Olivia felt that she was about to be disappointed again.
Shen Zhifan anxiously waited for the other party to connect, and the other party answered it quickly. Because he didn't know who the other party was, he kept silent.
A familiar and hoarse voice came slowly.
"Hey?"
Shen Zhifan's heart that was still uneasy just now was suddenly fixed.
This number... is indeed Yan Shuo's.
"… um, hello."
Shen Zhifan had been awake for a long time just now, and when he heard Yan Shuo's voice, he suddenly felt that the wine was a little bit stronger and he was a little dizzy.
"Are you sober, how are you feeling?"
"It's alright, I'm causing you trouble."
"Well, then I can rest assured. I didn't know you were so light in alcohol. I'll pay attention next time."
Olivia looked at Yan Shuo's face change, indicating that her eyes were going to be blind.
Big brother, the country still needs you, so you can do it.