My mother told me, "That's your grandmother, your father, and where you were born. Do you want to go back and see?"
I like Windmill Country and the village where I have lived for more than ten years, but I don't have much nostalgia for the middle school I studied in. I asked my mother, "Do you still love him? Is it worth it after all these years?"
I know that my mother has not let go. Even though she now goes out for a drink with some great men every now and then on weekends, she still hasn't let go of him—the father who has never been masked for as long as I can remember.
It is said that my father was a man who valued his offspring. Back then, if it wasn't for my young age, and his power and money were not enough to compete with Grandpa, he would definitely have kept me in China.
After living in China for a few years, my mother took me back to the Windmill Country. My grandfather didn't like the way my mother hurt her for love. She was also very stubborn and took me to a small village where no one knew us.
Now, my mother has become stronger, and she also believes that I will not be taken away by my father again. She was willing to let go and let me go and see my roots.
I asked my mother if she was worth all these years, and she told me: "Love is the most uncontrollable thing in this world. Only when you meet that person and see him will you understand whether it is worth it or not."
My mother didn't answer my question directly. I don't mind. I will go and see for myself, my father, and my grandmother's hometown.
I set foot on the plane back to my motherland.
…
After arriving in China, everything went smoothly.
In the lobby of the airport, everyone came and went in a hurry. Some of them had just left the house and some were on their way home. I came out of customs and was about to call my father when he found me. He probably understood the doubts in my heart and told me: "Your mother sends me pictures of you every year, and I recognize you."
When I was in Windmill Country, my mother told me, "I haven't seen each other for many years, so I still have to call my father when we meet."
I smiled politely at him and called him, "Dad." I just listened to my mother's words, but the man who looked as usual when he saw me just now suddenly got wet eyes, and he turned his head, not wanting me to find out.
I also pretended not to see anything. I think the grievances of the previous generation should not be carried over to the next generation.
Or maybe, in my heart, I also look forward to having a father.
Just like when I was in the middle school in the Diamond City, I sincerely hope that I can be recognized by my middle school classmates. I have also held a sincere heart in front of them...
My father took me to the parking lot, put my luggage in the trunk, I opened the back seat of the car, and there was already someone inside, a woman in her twenties and thirties, holding a five- or six-year-old boy.
I looked up at my father, his face was a little red, and there were some fine beads of sweat on his nose. He's not young anymore and my suitcase is a little heavy.
He said, "Just call your auntie."
My mother didn't tell me that he remarried.
I'm not angry, it's normal, but when I left the windmill country, I still thought about whether my mother's unforgettable memory for so many years would be echoed in China. I even thought about whether they still have a chance to reunite.
I think in hindsight, if my mother had told me sooner that I had stopped having this ridiculous fantasy, I should have been less angry. But in this world, there is no if.
I sat in the co-pilot and he said, "My family is in the best hotel in Nancheng, and I have reserved a table for you."
Me: "Thank you. But I just got off the plane, and the jet lag didn't reverse, so I want to rest first."
I'm a little worried that he invites me to dinner with his family again, I'm used to being alone, and I'm not very good at building close relationships with people.
What's more, sitting with their family of three, I feel like sitting on pins and needles.
The smile on the corner of his mouth faded a little, and I could see his disappointment, but he acted unconvinced and just asked, "Then why don't we take you home to rest first? Three months ago, your aunt redecorated you. It’s the style that domestic girls like. You can go home and see, it’s okay if you don’t like it, just change it according to your own preferences.”
Me: "Sorry, I didn't say it beforehand. I only got the news before I got on the plane. My little grandmother is also my grandmother's sister. She knew that I was going back to China and came to Nancheng with my family ahead of time. I want to accompany her for two days. "
Except for the initial greeting, there was no sound from the back seat. At this point, I didn't speak to him, and there was an awkward silence in the carriage.
He asked, "Xiao Bei, will you still go home and live?"
I said, "Of course." This is what I said to my mother in Windmill Country.
When my father drove me outside the hotel my grandmother had booked, I was grateful for his respect and understanding. I think we'll get along nicely when we're in Nancheng.
I took out my luggage from the back of the car and opened the door again to say goodbye to my father and his family, "Goodbye, Dad." Then I looked at my aunt and the boy, and the boy looked at me, and we looked at each other, and he asked me : "Why do you call me daddy daddy?"
He said two fathers, the first father is his exclusive, the second is just a simple noun.
What I was about to say got stuck in my throat.
I answered him, "You can ask your father that question." I closed the door. I think I have a lot more energy than I thought because I have such a strong hand to close the car door!
…
Life in Nancheng is neither good nor bad.
My days at home are more like a guest. The "Master of the House" prepares me a sumptuous meal every day without interfering with my freedom.
There wasn't much contact, and both I and my aunt seemed relieved. My younger brother is still young, at an age where he doesn't understand, but after the initial rustling, he sticks to me very much. I like children very much, and most likely I won't have children in the future. My brother may be the closest person to me by blood in the future, and I don't mind accompanying him occasionally.
At Nancheng High School, except for Chinese, other courses didn't bother me. On the contrary, the people who confessed in the classroom downstairs, the small notes that were caught in the books at some point, made me feel a little troubled. Even when I came out of the closet in Windmill Country, the eyes that usually looked at me openly and secretly doubled, not to mention the fact that in China, which is not very accepting of homosexuality, I don't want to underestimate people's curiosity.
The turnaround is coming soon.
In October, when the weather was not so hot, the school started military training. The instructors of the military training are also college students of the military academy. In addition to teaching us to walk straight, they also teach us some self-defense skills.
The instructor of our company especially likes to ask me to go up to demonstrate, maybe it is because I go up, the students in the line will be more focused, or it may be because he simply doesn't like me.
When the instructor called me up again and grabbed my hand, I was a little impetuous in the sun, and I couldn't help kicking him down the plate with my legs. When he was unsteady, I backhanded him.
I was also stupid at the time, so I quickly stood up and said, "Report it to the instructor, the gangster may do the same."
During the break, all the instructors who heard about it gathered around, and they all ended up one by one. I won three games in a row. Later, when they saw that I was weak, they dispersed again.
Since then, most of the instructors will take the initiative to greet me when they see me, and ask me if I have practiced. In fact, on the day of the fight, I was just lucky, my age and gender made them careless.
Our company instructor also made me the captain of our squad.
The day before the military training ended, we even asked the instructor if I could exchange contact information.
It turned out that he didn't dislike me.
I said, "It's a pity. You are not a female instructor." At that time, I thought I liked girls with good body, sports, and a few years older than me.
I still remember the instructor's stupidly open mouth.
However, I am grateful to him. After the military training, my life has changed a bit. The two most obvious ones are that I have an extra captain's nickname;
Although I feel more distant from my classmates, it is a good thing for me to keep my comfort zone.
…
When I woke up in the morning, I stared at Yu Xiaoya's sleeping face for a long time. With a fair face, a delicate little nose, and a small red pimple, she slept well, maybe she didn't move all night, only the sound of shallow breathing came.
Her brows were furrowed, as if something was on her mind. For those who are worried, the eyebrows are often locked. I want to stroke Xiaochuan on her eyebrows, so that she will have a long-lasting luck and a happy heart.
She is not my dream lover, not in appearance, figure, or character.
I just saw my own shadow in her, so I couldn't help but be nice to her, just like this, I can make up for my regrets.
However, within two days, I found out that it was not. I imagined that no amount of the advantages of a future lover would be enough to meet them in real life.
That day, the mountains were quiet, the water was cold, and the scenery was depressed. Although the sun is shining, the mountain scenery is still gray, like a black-and-white silent film.
Under a big rock, she found a small white camellia, with layers of petals stacked on top of each other. Under the petals were dark green leaves. The flower was not very beautiful, but it was full of vitality and made people feel spring.
She happily and excitedly ran over to me and said, "Lu Xiaobei, there are flowers blooming."
A smile without a trace of haze.
That white flower and the bright red color on her lips were the only colors in my eyes that day.
Unexpectedly, the flowers in my heart also opened.