The day when I found out that Gu Tingyin was pregnant, the weather was exceptionally good.
The warm sunlight flowed along the window to the desk, she tiptoed, and hurriedly pulled out a book from the bookshelf.
Shen Zhijin wrapped her arms around her waist from behind, holding her firmly in her arms.
"What do you want to see? I'll get it for you."
Gu Tingyin turned her head to look, her almond eyes sparkled:
"Sunspots! Black Holes and Bending of Time! No, no, the Universe in a Nutshell! Gee, is ThePhysicalUniverse better?"
Shen Zhijin laughed.
"Why do you want to see these all of a sudden?"
Every time she read this kind of book, she would go away with high spirits, throw away the armor and return, wave her hand gracefully, and throw the book to him.
But if he reads it for a long time, she will come again to take the book away and throw herself into his arms.
Gu Tingyin opened her dark almond eyes with a serious expression:
"Prenatal education! Of course, we must catch it as soon as possible! What if Tangtang is like me in the future and can't understand physics?"
The name Tangtang was just chosen.
She raised her finger to the bookshelf again, muttering in a soft voice:
"Aren't the few books just now not enough? Why don't you come to help Tangtang choose?"
Shen Zhijin was stunned for a moment, but she really didn't expect this to be the first thing she thought of, Junxiu's clean eyebrows and eyes stretched with a smile.
"Isn't it too early?"
Gu Tingyin hummed lightly.
"Where is it early? We must work hard from now on!"
Shen Zhijin helped her take down several books.
"Shall I watch it with you?"
Gu Tingyin nodded repeatedly.
"If you don't understand, you can tell Tangtang directly!"
The two sat down at the desk.
Gu Tingyin lowered her head and glanced at her still flat belly, and seriously told her:
"Tangtang, you have to work hard, and try to be as smart as Dad in the future! Mom even bought you a telescope and an atlas of nebulae!"
Then, she picked up "The Physical Universe" on the top, opened it and read it carefully.
…
Fifteen minutes later, the book in Gu Tingyin's hand turned to the second page.
But her eyes were too sleepy to keep her eyes open, and her little head was shaking little by little.
Shen Zhijin planned to take her back to rest:
"go to sleep?"
"!"
Gu Tingyin suddenly came back to her senses, and immediately shook her head to refuse:
"No, no! I haven't finished the book yet!"
As she spoke, she opened her eyes wide and stared fiercely at the book.
But within a minute, phantoms appeared in those handwriting, and her eyelids closed uncontrollably again.
She struggled hard and started talking nonsense.
"Tangtang... today's prenatal education has not yet..."
Shen Zhijin couldn't resist her, and rubbed her hair.
"Then I'll read it to you and Tangtang?"
Gu Tingyin finally relaxed, nodded:
"good!"
Shen Zhijin hugged her from behind and helped her hold the book.
A deep and clear voice sounded in the quiet room.
After a long time, hearing her regular breathing, he finally stopped and lowered his eyes.
The sun fell on her eyelashes and cast a faint shadow on her eyelids. On the fair and clear skin, even fine hairs could be seen.
He kissed the center of her brow, lightly placed his palm on her lower abdomen, and slightly curved the corners of his lips.
"Tangtang, Dad bought you a picture book and brushes."
"It's better to be like Mom."
…
The night was thick.
Shen Zhijin slowly opened his eyes.
The room was dark.
He opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling, as if he didn't see anything, his eyes were dark and dark, and they seemed to be darker than the night.
There seemed to be something on his body, and he could barely breathe due to the weight.
He sat up, lifted the quilt, his chest heaved violently, and he took a big breath, fighting for the thin oxygen in the air.
Like a dying fish, it can do nothing but breathe.
The room was so quiet that he could even hear his own rapid heartbeat.
He firmly held down the position of his heart with one hand, because of the force, the shirt was wrinkled, the knuckles were blue and white, and the veins on the back of the hand were bulging.
Still can't fall asleep.
As soon as he closed his eyes, there was an overwhelming fire, which made his whole body ache.
The cold moonlight outlined his thin and thin figure.
He curled up against the head of the bed, only gasping for breath that was almost suffocating.
It was as if a big hole had been dug out in the chest cavity, bloody and bloody.
With every breath, the icy cold wind rushes in madly, causing burning and tearing pain.
He opened his mouth, but couldn't say any words.
Finally, he put his head down on his knees, his back trembling violently.
…
Another night of insomnia, he sat alone with his eyes open until dawn.
Someone knocked on the door and walked in.
"A Jin."
Uncle Qi came in with porridge and looked at him with complicated expressions.
During this time, both Shen's father and Shen's mother fell ill, and Shen Zhijin also locked himself here, shutting himself out.
Time seemed to stand still.
He has a good relationship with Shen's father and Shen's mother, so he made a special trip to take care of Shen Zhijin.
"Let's eat something."
He passed the porridge over.
Shen Zhijin finally moved.
In just a few days, he lost a lot of weight, his eyes were black and bloodshot.
He became dull, and it took him a while to realize what Uncle Qi was saying. He turned his stiff body and raised his hand to pick up the bowl of porridge.
But he didn't have any strength at this time, he couldn't even catch the bowl of porridge, and fell to the ground with a "bang".
Shen Zhijin looked down, without any expression on his face. After a while, he finally realized that something had fallen on the ground, and he was about to pick it up.
"A Jin!"
Uncle Qi quickly stopped him,
"The bowl is broken, I'll clean it up."
As he spoke, he quickly cleaned up the mess.
Shen Zhijin looked at it for a while, then looked away again, without any focus in his eyes.
Uncle Qi sighed inwardly.
"Ajin, you can't stop eating and drinking like this, your body can't stand it anymore. I'll help you get another bowl."
Shen Zhijin still didn't speak.
During this time, he has been like this, as if he has lost the ability to speak.
Uncle Qi turned around, walked to the door, and looked back.
"Ajin, everyone... is worried about you. If she knows you are like this..."
Gu Tingyin's name has almost become a taboo, and no one dares to mention it in front of him.
What can happen has happened.
If he continues like this, I'm afraid—
Shen Zhijin's eyelashes trembled slightly.
After a long time, he finally spoke, his chapped lips moved slightly, and his voice was extremely hoarse.
"...I want a peanut milkshake."
Uncle Qi was stunned for a moment, seeing that he finally spoke and was willing to eat, he nodded quickly:
"Okay! I'll buy it for you right now!"
Uncle Qi moved quickly, worried that there would not be enough peanut milkshakes, so he bought a few boxes of peanut crisps by the way.
In fact, Shen Zhijin's stomach is very fragile now, and he doesn't like to eat these things, but this is the only thing he wants to eat, so he doesn't care about them.
"Eat a little bit first, and drink some porridge later to warm your stomach."
Uncle Qi said, watching Shen Zhijin open the box, picked up a piece of peanut crisp and fed it into his mouth, thinking that no matter what, he finally started eating, he felt a little relieved.
"I'll help you warm up the porridge."
After speaking, he backed out.
Shen Zhijin chewed the piece of peanut crisp slowly and swallowed.
Then he picked up another slice.
He moves mechanically.
It's a familiar yet unfamiliar smell.
When they were first together, she always asked him to help eat these things, and then leaned over to smell the breath from the corners of his lips.
Then he ate less because he couldn't kiss her after eating peanuts.
After all, he had not eaten these for a long time.
He kept stuffing peanut crisps into his mouth, as if this would fill the hole in his heart.
until his hand was empty—
He looked down, only to see that the box was empty.
However, not enough.
He took the peanut milkshake again.
The moment the lid is opened, rich and sweet peanut and milk flavors come out.
He took a sip.
The sweet taste filled the mouth.
Suddenly his stomach convulsed violently.
"Ah Jin, the porridge is ready—"
Uncle Qi just came to the door, but saw no one.
The sound of vomiting came from the next bathroom.
He was startled, only to see that the three boxes of peanut crisps on the table had already been eaten by Shen Zhijin, and the empty peanut milkshake cup fell on the ground, leaving only a little remnant flowing out along the mouth of the cup, creating a mess .
His heart tightened, and he immediately walked towards the bathroom.
Shen Zhijin knelt on the ground, holding on to the toilet, and vomited out all the food he ate before.
Because of his emaciation, his shoulder blades became particularly prominent, making him look bony, as if he wanted to spit everything out.
Almost vomited blood.
Uncle Qi's hand holding the porridge trembled slightly.
…
Another late night.
Repeated darkness, repeated silence.
Everything is no different from yesterday, yesterday's yesterday.
Shen Zhijin opened his eyes, sat quietly for a long time, and finally came to the desk.
He turned on the desk lamp, the dim yellow light reflected on his extremely pale face, it seemed to be transparent.
He took out a picture album from the drawer and opened it.
On the first page, it is him, on the boulevard of Xijing University.
On the second page, it is him, in the torrential rain like a waterfall.
On the third page, it's him, in a corner of the restaurant.
…
It's all about him.
From first meeting to now.
She drew a thick volume.
He painted his eyebrows and eyes countless times, so that a person like him who never cared about his appearance clearly remembered what he looked like in her eyes.
He read it page by page, and on the last page, there was too much Tangtang in his arms.
He stared at this page for a long, long time before continuing to turn back.
blank.
nothing left.
He took a pen, the tip of which fell on the large blank space.
— Yinyin.
…
Yinyin, I have insomnia again today.
You probably don't know, I haven't slept well recently, and I can't eat well.
In fact, I really want to sleep well, because maybe that's the only way I can see you.
But now even that has become a luxury.
Are you still angry with me? It's all my fault. You should be angry.
But you have many ways to punish me, why is this one, you don't even give me a chance to ask you if it hurts.
Yinyin, I don't like peanut milkshakes now.
In three more hours, it will be dawn, another day.
But I am afraid.
I am afraid that tomorrow will be sunny, the sun will be very strong, and the wind will be very hot. You will not come to me to ask for directions.
I'm afraid that tomorrow will be a rainy day, the rain will pour down, and the ground will be muddy. You won't come and let me hold an umbrella for you.
I am afraid that the weather will be fine tomorrow, and I am also afraid that the weather will be bad tomorrow.
Because you will never come again.
I am afraid of every tomorrow without you.
I tried my best, I tried to sleep, I tried to eat, I tried to read, I tried to be like before and get my life back on track.
But I can't.
The orbit of a planet will not change due to meteors, but it turns out that what it loses is its star.
It can only be disordered, collapsed, and destroyed.
I don’t know if you still remember the law of conservation of energy that I told you in class.
It turns out that love also obeys this law.
Love neither arises nor disappears out of thin air, but is transformed from one form to another, from one person to another, while the total amount of love remains the same.
Probably because you have given me too much, and now it is finally my turn to repay.
Day by day, year by year.
I can pay it back, but now, finally, I don't even have this chance.
…
He finished writing the last word and put down the pen.
Outside the window, the sky is dim.
He looked at his left wrist, scarlet blood slowly oozing out.
Strangely enough, it doesn't hurt.
Maybe it's more of a relief.
He slowly leaned over, closed his eyes, and let out a soft breath.
This time, I finally don't have to be afraid of tomorrow.
…
He seemed to have had a long dream.
In the dream, there was darkness everywhere.
He didn't know where to go, so he stood there, the cold wind piercing his bones.
"A Jin."
Someone called him.
He was startled and looked back.
The surrounding darkness quickly faded away at this moment, leaving only the overwhelming whiteness.
She came up to him.
He froze there, unable to move.
He hadn't seen her for too long, too long, and he didn't want to miss her at this moment.
"... Yin Yin."
He heard his own voice tremble.
She stood still in front of him, took his hand, frowned, her little face was full of distress.
"Ajin, do you feel pain?"
It hurts.
How could it not hurt.
His chest was stagnant and his throat was blocked, but he couldn't speak a word.
She gently blew on the wound on his wrist, and raised her small face.
"Ajin hurts, I hurt too, and Tangtang."
It was as if his heart had been stabbed severely by something.
"Don't hurt Ajin."
She hugged him, shook her head, and murmured softly.
In the silence he heard himself say—
"good."
…
When I woke up again, I was in the hospital.
Uncle Qi was standing by the bed. Seeing him open his eyes, he finally breathed a sigh of relief and said in a low voice:
"Ajin, fortunately I found out in time, as long as you are fine. I still keep this matter from your parents, but you don't want to—"
He didn't say the rest, but the meaning couldn't be more clear.
Shen Zhijin was silent for a long time, his voice slightly hoarse.
"Not anymore."
Uncle Qi couldn't believe it, and was about to ask again, when Shen Zhijin suddenly said:
"Where is the nearest flower shop?"
Uncle Qi was taken aback.
"What's wrong?"
Shen Zhijin looked out the window.
The sun was warm and bright, even a little dazzling.
"Yinyin likes camellia, and I haven't bought one for her this week."
he said.
He didn't want her to be hurt, so even if the inside was bloody and the pain was extreme, he could bear it.
Even if the time is endless, there is no end.
But he promised her, of course he will do it.
He faced the light, looked at it for a long time, and finally smiled faintly.
Actually, why bother.
He had already died in that brilliant sunlight.
The whole body is overflowing with light.
After writing the book for so long, I shed the most tears for Shen Zhijin.
Today, it can finally draw a full stop.
(end of this chapter)