The sweat from the lust gradually cooled, like a snake crawling down Danny's back into the carpet. When the panting subsided, Danny could only hear tinnitus. He stood up, feeling a little dizzy. The doctor forbade him from getting close, so Danny stumbled back two steps, bumped against the edge of the bed, and sat down.
The doctor also sat up from the lying position. He was leaning against the corner of the closet and the wall, his eyes looking blank and at a loss. The doctor muttered a few words. The tone was almost apologetic, but the doctor's body language was very different—he turned his face slightly, staring at the spot of light leaking in from the window, refusing to look up at Danny.
Danny's heart pierced immediately.
"You... don't do this," the doctor whispered. His voice sounded far less peaceful and confident than usual. Danny felt that he was split into two halves by this voice, half pity the doctor's confusion and pain, and half complained about his grievances and unwillingness.
Danny didn't answer. He sat in the light and looked into the corner where the doctor was. The doctor was so tall, but completely indented into the dark corner. For a moment, he saw the doctor's figure melt into the shadows in a trance. Danny stretched out his hand to catch it, but only found a stream of light, and even the dust flowing in the air quickly slipped from his fingers.
The doctor looked down at the spot of light on the ground in silence, as if unaware of Danny's actions. His breathing was short and rapid.
After a long while, the doctor repeated: "No, you don't do this."
"Why?" Danny asked rhetorically.
The doctor murmured, "You're a cat. No way." His eyes still didn't leave the light and shadow of the window. Danny was bathed in light, bright and clear, but the doctor never looked up at him as if he didn't exist.
"I'm not a cat," Danny said. "Kushi, look at me. I'm not a cat."
The doctor looked up. Danny thought he was finally willing to look at him, but in fact, the doctor turned his eyes to the empty place behind Danny. Danny almost laughed at him. Doctors also have such a naive side, thinking that they don't exist without seeing them? He stood up, strode up to the doctor, bent down and grasped the doctor's chin, forcing him to lift his head with a little force.
Danny approached the doctor forcefully, occupying all his vision: "Look at me."
The doctor frowned, with a very resistant expression: "...what do you want to do?"
"I just want you to look at me." Danny said, from just now, the grievances have been swelling in his chest, making him unable to even breathe. He took a deep breath, suppressed the trembling in his voice, and said firmly, "Look at me! Danny—you remember, I'm Danny. Not a cat's vision, or some safe fantasy in your head, or Me. I will hurt you, and I will love you. I am your equal, not a pet, not a cat that needs your pampering and forgiveness!"
He looked at Kuze: "You look at me, you have to look at me."
"But what I saw was a cat!" Kuze said in a low voice.
Danny could hear the anger hidden in the words. Kuze looked up at Danny, who was leaning over to meet him. He didn't intend to do anything for the time being, but every body language expressed resistance. Danny ignored it. He was also offended by Kuze's stubbornness.
"Cat? Would you be hard on a cat?" Danny sneered, "Kushi, are you too perverted?"
Kuze's face immediately paled. Danny withdrew his hand embarrassingly, feeling regret at the same time, but also had a special joy: the sword of Damocles, which was still pending, finally fell. It wasn't Danny's original intention to stimulate Kuze like this, but the matter had come to this point, he had to wake Kuze up. He could no longer allow Kuze to deceive himself.
"I'm not a cat, you know that," Danny said, his tone gradually firming up, "Kushi, maybe you did think of me as a cat at first, but not now. We're a place where people interact. Everything needed, talking, cooperating, arguing, we dine together, discuss the past and the future, we kissed each other, fell in love with each other... so many times, how could you still think of me as a cat. You've already figured it out, don't escape."
Kuze's face turned even worse, his lips were pressed together tightly, his chin stretched like a rigid brick of a city wall.
Danny stubbornly ignored it. He continued: "I don't know what the Americans have done to you, I just want to say I'm innocent. You listen to me, I've been in tragic situations, but I—"
"Because you belong here," Kuze said. His voice was low, "You belong here, they won't think you're wrong here."
Danny was startled: "They? Who are they? Why do you care what they think?"
"Then who can I care?" Kuze asked, his voice broken and unsteady, "There's no one else here, just cats. It's all cats, all cats. Cats behave like cats, they eat cat food. , speak the language of cats, and deal with cats in the way of cats. I came to the country of cats, and I did as the locals do. I speak English, but the cats can't understand my accent; I take a knife and fork, and the cats laugh at my actions; , the cat called us 'the plague'. Stores and restaurants did not allow me to enter, and supermarkets had to go through the self-checkout lane because the cashier refused to serve me."
He looked up at Danny, and the lines on his forehead were sharp and deep: "We finally got an apartment in town, but soon the glass was smashed, there was alcohol, vomit and shit in the living room, and the walls were painted with spray paint. 'Plague'. I called the police, but it didn't work. I don't know who did it, they don't know, they don't care. What can I do? A fight? But guns are legal here! They shoot me Gun in your pocket! Does it have to be your life and death to end this? I don't get it, I'm not a cat, I don't get it at all..."
Danny couldn't answer. Florida can't openly own a gun, but a concealed license is easy to get. Danny has one too. He basically never carried a gun with him, and he didn't think there was anything special about holding a gun—with or without a gun, he could kill, right? But Kuze was Japanese, and he was afraid of firearms, which had a great impact on him. He was strong enough, but he still couldn't protect himself.
Danny and Kuze looked at each other, feeling overwhelmed by the pain in those eyes. He originally thought he could feel the pain of Kusei, but he actually couldn't. They are different after all. No one can fully understand another person, not even with pure love.
"Did I do something wrong? Do you think I did something wrong?" Kuze asked.
Danny shook his head immediately. He looked at Kuze in a panic, not knowing what to say.
"Then why am I so miserable, why am I putting up with this, and those cats are free and happy? Just because I look different? Can people be so selfish and narrow-minded, hate innocent people, and do all bad things with a clear conscience?" Kuze pushed Danny away and stood up, asking, "How can I see them as human? How can they be human? They are human, what am I? Why can't I live in human society? Where is the land of freedom?"
"But—" Danny subconsciously wanted to refute, but before he could organize the language, something flashed in his field of vision. He saw the tears in Kuze's eyes.
Danny didn't expect Kuze to cry. The doctor never cried in front of Danny. Tears are irrefutable evidence when attitudes change, rules are broken, from tough to begging. Kuze's line of defense is self-consistent and thin, and he chooses to turn a blind eye to situations that are not applicable. It is not easy to break his logic. Danny should be celebrating this phased victory, but right now, he has no time to pay attention to that.
Danny raised his hand in a panic to wipe Kuze's tears, but the tears couldn't stop, so he rushed up and hugged Kuze. Danny was more than a head shorter than Kuze, and the hug was like a bird stabbing into a tree. Kuze didn't hug him back. Kuze raised his head and stared blankly at the ceiling. Danny had heard him talk about it, and it was something he used to do when his grandfather died. It is a silent inquiry to a higher place.
But Kusei was already very high, what could be higher than him? Is it society? Is it history? Is it fate? Can they answer? Why is he hated? Why are they so cruel? Why him
"You're strong, that's fine... but I can't do it," Kuze whispered. He held Danny's shoulders and each took a half step back. He and Danny looked at each other quickly, then looked away from each other. Kuze couldn't just watch Danny say it like that, and Danny didn't want to hear Kuze's conclusion at all.
Danny felt a slap in his lower back, and found that he had stepped back to the window sill. It is cloudy today, the mountains outside the window are vertical and horizontal, the sky and the ground are gray and white, and the boundaries are not clear. The window had been open since Kuze took Danny in, and the wind was piercing. Danny didn't know how he could ignore the cold when they were having sex just now. It's only been ten minutes, but it seems like a century has passed.
Danny closed the window, but the chill in the room didn't lessen.
"Two days ago, I was alone in the room, and sometimes I suspected that this was your revenge..." Kuze suddenly spoke behind Danny's back.
Danny turned his head back in shock, but Kuze just snorted slightly, still keeping his head down and not looking at him: "At that time, I thought, that's it, are you revenge for my incomprehension, so you specifically forced me to sober up? Come here? I know you don't think that way. I even know that you are right and I am wrong... But if I follow your ideas, how can I live? I have no choice but to treat you as a cat, And you don't want to... it doesn't work, it doesn't work at all."
The words were chaotic and confused, but Danny miraculously understood. Did it not work, or did Kuze simply not want to do it? Maybe that was the same for Kuze. Acknowledging Danny means acknowledging reality, it means endless pain. Kuze is like an insect living in the dark, unable to stick out even a single tentacle to the sunlight.
Danny asked last hope, "Would you like to try it? Just, try it. Take your time, we'll just try."
Kuze didn't answer.
Danny knew it was a refusal, but he was still unwilling.
"I want you to tell me," Danny was surprised at how steady his voice was. "Tell me yourself."
Kuze raised his head and they looked at each other. Danny saw a calmness in Kuze's eyes, like a plateau ice lake refrozen after a short summer. The once active season is gone, and there are no ripples left on the lake.
Kuze shook his head slightly.
Danny walked down the stairs alone.
He went outside and stuffed the retractable ladder back section by section, like a mimosa taking back its leaves bit by bit. It could have achieved something. As long as the doctor is willing to give him some affirmation, take a small step towards him, even nod his head? Danny would be gleefully swinging his canoe across the Pacific Ocean between them.
But doctors don't want to.
Danny retracted the ladder into a boxy little piece and lowered it into the thin snow. He sat on the ladder and watched the setting sun sink into the embrace of the mountains.