account:
Password: 20140420
Press Enter.
A new interface popped up.
Jian Jing took a deep breath, took a sip of cold beer, suppressed her excitement, and slowly read the text above.
This is the last time I write a medical diary. Tomorrow morning, I will receive the last treatment to completely seal that memory. In fact, I don’t remember much about what happened, but the professor said that hypnosis only hides the memory, and they may be triggered by a trigger at any time and return to the surface.
To defeat those memories, you need a weapon.
He thought that my saving a child was the best way to deal with him. I saved a man's life, and there was nothing greater and more powerful to fight against him.
well, just like expecto patronum.
But he's right. There are few things that make me so happy, except maybe the first time I get my new book in my hands.
But the weight of a book is indeed not as heavy as the weight of life.
The professor said that when we save others, we are also saved by them. I understand a little bit now. Did I save that child? Maybe.
Anyway, right now, it is saving others that is saving me.
It may seem a bit awkward, but that's what he meant. He hopes that I will never forget this feeling.
It is difficult to kill yourself, but it is easy to kill others.
Saving others is difficult, and so is saving yourself.
No matter how he brags about death, life is always harder than death.
So, he is a coward and I am a hero.
So the question is, who is he
I closed my eyes and could only see a heavy dark cloud. Who is he
--
Jian Jing let out a sigh of relief. Just a few lines of text made her back sweat with nervousness.
This is a diary written by "me", which not only records the treatment process, but also various memories about "him".
She did find the key.
At the same time, the purpose of the password has also been reasonably explained.
—When we save others, our souls are also saved.
It is so.
It should be so.
After a moment of contemplation, Jian Jing decided to continue reading in reverse chronological order rather than going directly to the earliest article.
She had to approach him slowly.
--
I had a nightmare again.
I couldn’t see his face clearly in the dream. The professor said that this was the first part I forgot, which meant that his appearance was not worthy of my attention.
Also, what I remember most clearly is his voice, which came out of nowhere when I wasn't paying attention. The professor said that I occasionally said strange things - things he said - but I was completely unaware of them.
The professor suggested that I write it down and refute it point by point. He said that I was hypnotized and those were not my real thoughts, so I must learn to distinguish them.
ps: Anyway, there was nothing to do in the hospital, so the books I read were all in English, French or Swedish. The Chinese novel is called "Fox Volant the Snowy Mountain".
Are you kidding me
Oh, I seem to have remembered something just now.
—Life brings endless pain and endless tears.
Why do you have such an idea
How to refute this
I have a headache and want to eat ice cream. Yes, ice cream is very good, cake and fried chicken are also very good, if I had not been born, I would not be able to eat these.
Also, there are many happy things.
It’s fun to play with classmates, write stories for others to read, and watch movies.
In a person's life, there is more happiness than pain!
ps: I don’t have any homework recently and I’m feeling less pain.
--
The beer can is empty.
Jian Jing didn't pour out a single drop, so she had to stop working and take out two more cans from the refrigerator. In order not to interfere with her reading, she inserted a straw and drank while reading.
To be honest, alcohol is a good thing, otherwise my hair would stand on end if I read this kind of diary late at night.
Drink one third of it in one breath and continue.
The narrative is heavier.
--
Today, I took a walk in the garden with my professor. He said I needed to breathe fresh air, get more sunshine, and feel the breath of nature.
I didn't want to move, but for William's sake.
William is a golden retriever.
The professor was very annoyed. I knew he meant well, but he insisted on having me do an experiment.
There are many roses in the garden, and he asked me whether it is better for the flowers to bloom or to wither. I said that they are very beautiful when blooming, and they can also be used as fertilizer when they wither.
The old man's Chinese is good. He recited a poem, "Turning into spring mud to protect the flowers, is that right?"
That's what I mean. Then he told me to pick the flowers, no, to be more precise, dig them up with the roots, burn them into ashes, and then spread them on the ground.
This job is so tiring. Does he just want to torment me
When I finished, he pointed at the ash and the flowers next to it and asked me, "Don't worry about the value. What do you think is more beautiful, blooming or dead?"
I must admit that flowers look better than fertilizer.
"We don't have to vilify death, but we shouldn't glorify it either," the professor said. "Anyone - I mean, educated or not, rich or poor - would make the same choice as you."
I want to refute him, but I don’t know... Maybe, but... No, I can’t forget, I can’t... I need to remember, I can’t forget!
--
The further back in time one moves, the darker the background of the log becomes.
The shadow of death becomes heavier.
Why would someone praise death? What on earth does he want to do
--
He said that humans are very fragile animals. If they don't eat, they will starve to death. If they don't drink water, they will die of thirst. If they are sick or injured, they will die soon.
In order to maintain a fragile life, people have to do many unhappy things. Adults hate work, just as students hate going to school, but these are things they have to do.
Only in this way can you earn money to buy food and clothes, avoid hunger and cold, and have money to treat illnesses and avoid dying early.
But is this meaningful? Working and studying are painful, being sick and injured are painful, and enduring so much pain just to live, isn't living all about pain
I told him that there will always be happy times.
He said, yes, but it was very brief and weak, like a firefly on a summer night, which flashed and disappeared. After a moment of happiness, there was a long and endless night.
I asked him, maybe it's worth it for these few fireflies.
He said that it is better to die at the happiest moment than to spend a lifetime reminiscing about the short time. If you can see the flying fireflies before closing your eyes, then this will be the supreme happiness.
Die in happiness, no more pain, only peace and joy.
I asked, will the fireflies never come back in the future
He said, maybe, but there was no point.
Why
Happiness is only real at that moment, and at other times, it is an illusion that deceives you into suffering, just like the candy your parents give you when you take medicine.
Without sugar, how can you be willing to suffer? But in essence, it still makes you suffer, so don't be deceived.
Happiness is just a trap.
He is right, but I... I am sometimes tempted by false happiness. No, if there is no happiness, there will be no pain, then I would rather not have it... Dad, Mom!!
Mom and Dad!!! Mom!!! Why me? Why me? What did I do wrong? Why why why!!!
--
This article is a watershed, and the above is the diary written after the situation gradually improved.
Although the sentences are occasionally fragmented, they are still organized. Further down, the narrative becomes chaotic.
But this is the most valuable part.
The nonsense that is instilled into my mind is constantly fighting with me.
Jian Jing had reason to believe that this conversation had happened countless times during the period of his disappearance.
--
Why? My mom and dad, why did you kill them? You bastard!
—Honey, calm down, you shouldn't be angry with me about this kind of thing.
You killed them.
—You think your parents love you very much, but no, they don’t love you, they love themselves. What is there to love about you? When you were a baby, you were just a little thing who knew nothing. Why did they spend money to raise you
Liar, liar!
—This is not out of love, to be honest, this is investment. Do you understand what this word means? Just like making money, the money and energy spent on you today, they are to be recovered. When they are old, you have to do it just like they raised you, they feed you and pee, this is the essence of your birth.
Who believes your lies
—Happiness, family, love, they are all lies to you. If they are not lies to you, how can you repay them willingly? Dear, life is full of sins from birth. Do you think you came to this world to enjoy life? How naive!
Oh, you seem to have calmed down. Let's talk.
I saved you, my dear, I saved you from a scam.
You killed someone.
Death, yes, let's talk about death.
We have nothing to talk about.
--
Jian Jing took off her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. Her eyes were bloodshot from staying up late.
There were a few beer cans thrown in the trash can, but neither her biological clock nor the alcohol could make her fall asleep.
The diary was written down, and it must have been sorted and organized, so the information it revealed was relatively complete. This was of great help in solving the case, but it was probably less than one-tenth of the torture that "Jian Jing" had suffered.
When Jian Jing thought about the pain she had suffered, she felt uncomfortable and her chest was suffocated.
"Jian Jing" was only fourteen years old when this happened.
At the same time, her biggest conflict with her family was the incompatibility of her hobbies and studies, her biggest worry was that her test scores fell out of the top ten in the class, and what made her most angry was that her parents did not agree with her and her classmates traveling long distances.
Two worlds, really two worlds.
This even made Jian Jing feel nameless guilt. She felt that she had taken advantage of someone and blamed herself for no reason.
What kind of life did “she” live? What kind of life did I live? I was just lucky and lived in a stable world.
This feeling of guilt is like a pair of twins, adopted by a poor family and a rich family respectively. She is the rich one, with a good life and a happy childhood, and this is not for anything else, just because of good luck.
She felt ashamed, self-blaming, uneasy, and even embarrassed.
This brought out another kind of shame, the shame that took over her body. The real me was dead, but luckily I was reborn in another me.
He stole her wealth, status, fame and even her feelings.
We are the same person, can I really enjoy all this with peace of mind
Negative emotions came flooding in and overwhelmed her.
Jian Jing's reason clearly told her: This has nothing to do with you, you are just affected emotionally because you have received some negative energy.
But... I can't do it.
Humans are inherently emotional animals and often empathize with others, not to mention that this person is actually herself.
Such a suffocating experience, such a painful encounter.
Unexpectedly, Jian Jing recalled "The Kid Playing Hide and Seek".
As the second work of "Jane Jing", Hide and Seek no longer has the fairy-tale imagination of the white cat, and its attitude towards death and murder is calm and indifferent.
I originally thought this was a special behavior of teenagers, but now looking back, I can’t help but think about it with great horror.
She sealed the memories, but what about the emotions
Perhaps, beneath the calm surface of the water, there was always a terrible undercurrent surging. The waves slowly eroded the shore, and finally swallowed her up silently.
Public opinion was just the last straw.
Jian Jing closed her eyes and held back her tears.