Xiao Du's Heart Journey: A Man Pursuing Freedom Like a Wild Horse
"Son, there are two most important purposes for me to let you go abroad: the first is to learn English well, and the second is to make friends. Learning English well also includes broadening your horizons. But you remember, no matter how far you go or how much you stay In 2010, the foreigner’s new ideas and feminism, you just need to learn more, don’t take it to heart. You are a Chinese man, and the tradition in the bones of Chinese men cannot be changed. Establish a career. Only when you shoulder the responsibilities of your family can you have the capital to gain a foothold in your career. You are still young and it is too early to say these things, but you have to remember what I told you today.”
"I see."
This is the conversation between Du Chi and Du Hanchuan before going abroad. Du Chi said a lot, Du Hanchuan listened to it, but he didn't want to understand the deep meaning of any sentence.
After Du Chi changed his college entrance examination choice, he didn't want to talk to his father very much.
He has no intention of understanding what Britain and Europe are like.
He only knew that in the past seventeen years, every year his birthday mother would prepare a grand party for him, declaring to the whole world how precious she was to this son and how proud she was of him.
And his eighteenth birthday was spent in a foreign country.
Except for the blessings in WeChat this year, no one around knows that he has become an adult. He didn't receive any birthday presents from anyone, except the news that God gave him: his father was hospitalized, his mother lost his voice, and he learned from his aunt that his father sent him abroad not because of his arrogance, but because of a family incident. big event.
On his birthday, he bought two American-style pizzas for 2.98 pounds from the supermarket, took them back to the dormitory, turned them in the microwave twice, and swallowed them while drinking tap water.
Then the bad news fell like dominoes one after another. This let him know that all the advantages God gave him over others are not without bargaining chips. When fate wanted to take them away, he could only wait for arrangements like a helpless fool. But he never cried, but accepted all this in anger and then in silence.
University dormitories are co-ed, with a room for each person and a shared kitchen. The 20-square-meter place doesn't feel like a home, it's just like a nest. He doesn't like to stay in the nest, and he smokes under the street lamp in front of the dormitory when he has nothing to do.
He has a roommate who is a Chinese girl, and she often asks him how he smokes, stays up late, eats junk food every day, and still has such good skin.
He said, it's just what you said, smoking every day, staying up late, eating junk food, not taking skin care, making the girl laugh.
Obviously at the age of seventeen, I still felt that my life had just begun, but at the age of eighteen, I felt that everything had come to an end.
Sometimes when I think back to my high school days, it feels like a world away. At that time, he had an ideal school, a future he wanted to fight for, many unknowns waiting to be explored, and a girl who accompanied him all the way to old age in his fantasy... Now everything is in the past tense, and he broke up with his girlfriend, And there is nothing to want.
Others will gain weight when they go abroad, but his weight plummets, so thin that he seems to be nothing but a clothes hanger. Because of long-term acclimatization, he went to the hospital to vomit and had a high fever. Except for the obese nurse with dyed blond hair, he would ask him what was wrong, prescribed a bunch of medicines, and sent him home without anyone to take care of him.
Just like when he was in high school in China, he quickly became famous in the school Chinese circle. There are many girls who take the initiative, which is different from high schools in China. All of them are little princesses with prominent family backgrounds, and the way of expressing their affection is also superior. For example, they will say something like "I will give you the opportunity to treat me to dinner, and I will honor you." ", making people completely unable to have a good impression.
But because it is easy for everyone to be lonely abroad, Chinese girls are very popular in both the Chinese circle and the foreign world, and girls with a temper like a big lady, but anyone who is a little bit pretty is quickly chased away.
It may be related to age. Shirley is a clear stream among many mudslide princesses. Everyone likes her character very much. Moreover, her appearance is really outstanding, with exquisite features and a proud figure. She is the kind of stunner that even British men who like to pretend to be reserved can't help but salivate. A man who started a business in London chased her to school with flowers in his car, but she rejected him in public. The little Chinese boy couldn't help snapping his fingers when he mentioned her. Another boy foolishly told his girlfriend that if he could sleep with Shirley once, it would be worth my death. As a result, he was slapped on the spot by his girlfriend and broke up.
Du Hanchuan met Shirley because of his Spanish elective course. This gentle big sister was very enthusiastic and patient with him from the beginning. Hearing that he can't cook, she even went to his dormitory to cook for him. He has always respected her, so at the party, people joked that "it's saving money to grow up to pick up girls like Frank", and he almost got into a fight with her. Shirley stopped him, looked at him with drunken eyes full of tears, and said aggrievedly, in fact, he was right.
Du Hanchuan pretended not to understand what she said, and sent her home to rest. Shirley is a ripe red apple, which is fatally attractive to any man. No matter how young Du Hanchuan was, he was still a man, and he could also find the extremely attractive features in her. But for some reason, he didn't have much interest in her.
That night, even though she was panting delicately on the bed, her black low-cut bodice was propped up high by two plump hills, and she still wanted to speak and tugged at the corner of his clothes, he still looked gracefully all over her body. And retreat.
But within two weeks, he got a piece of news: his father was invited to drink tea just after he was discharged from the hospital.
The ex-girlfriend kept sending messages to him, asking him what happened recently, why he disappeared, and whether he was feeling unwell. She was very worried. She is so young, she doesn't even understand the meaning of breaking up, and she keeps asking him "Did we break up?" "If you want to break up, just tell me." He didn't reply. Until she said: "Do you still remember our agreement, you promised me to go to a university in Shanghai with me, why did you break your promise?"
He finally couldn't take it anymore, and replied impatiently: "You are really naive. What do you know?"
"How can I understand if you don't tell me? Du Hanchuan, I have done everything I promised you. What about you, have you done it? How could you do this to me just because I like you? You are so scumbag Already!"
"You think I'm scum, you can go."
"Okay. As you wish."
There is a well-invented idiom: a thousand cuts.
At that moment, his heart felt as if it had been hacked into pieces.
Du Hanchuan was drunk in the pub that day, and saw a spoof photo of him being graffitied with lipstick by a friend on Facebook, Shirley immediately ran over to pick him up and take him back to her home. She held his head in her arms, wiped the lipstick on his face lovingly, kissed his lips, and put her tongue into his mouth...
After a night passed, Du Hanchuan woke up rubbing his head in severe pain, and saw Shirley sitting in front of the window applying nail polish. She likes bright red, her toenail polish is bright red, her lipstick is bright red, and her camisole is also bright red. The vest was so small that it could barely conceal her plump figure, but the way she looked up at him was simple and full of love, which gave her a contrasting charm of extreme maturity and extreme innocence.
"Frank, you're up." She hurriedly put down the nail polish in her hand, ran over, held his face and looked up at him, "You are so thin and always sick, I feel so bad. I'll go get you Make food, feed you fatter, okay?"
"I..." The memory of the previous night is broken, but the fragments are still there. He is embarrassed.
"What would you like to eat, macaroni or egg noodles?"
"Let's go out to eat, I invite you."
"Why, you don't want to owe me?" She was disappointed for a while, and then raised the corners of her vermilion lips again, "Don't worry, my sister is an adult, and you don't need to be responsible for her. No matter what pain you have suffered in the past, after Here, sister, you just need to be yourself happily. Okay, little Du Xiansen."
He didn't know if it was love. He only knew that the part that collapsed in his heart did not fall into the endless abyss, but was caught and mended by this woman named Shirley.
Maybe the soul has been incomplete like a puppet, but in a sense, it has also continued its life.
Later, when he found out that she had a boyfriend, he expressed shock and wanted to cut off the relationship, but she told him that her boyfriend had cheated, and she didn't even bother to touch her hand for two years, otherwise she wouldn't be alone people go abroad.
He understands the loneliness in her words. So, after that, he just kept a certain distance from her, but he didn't completely break off the relationship.
On the afternoon of the first winter in London, Du Hanchuan walked by Oxford Street holding Shirley's hand. She saw two good-looking men's windbreakers, and forced him to try them on, put them on him, praised him for being extremely handsome, and even wanted to pay for them for him. An ordinary boy might be overjoyed, but to Du Hanchuan, this is undoubtedly an insult. He almost quarreled with her in order to refuse this cheap dress.
He is Du Chi's son, not some fresh meat that needs to be attached to his big sister.
Finally, he rushed back to the street from the third floor of the shopping mall in one breath, and held his knees to breathe heavily at the intersection of people coming and going. Then, the moment he looked up, he saw a classical stone sculpture of a white cherub. The sun was dim, and it was just right on the little angel.
Shirley followed, stretched out his hand to stroke his back, and said softly, "Frank, it was my fault just now. I have done too much in our line of work, so it is inevitable that I am a little too egotistical, sorry."
He shook his head slightly, just looking at the angel statue.
A Western couple passed by with their baby in their arms, and they couldn't help but take a few extra glances at such an Asian-American boy. They followed Du Hanchuan's eyes to look in the direction of the little angel, and the husband said to Du Hanchuan: "Has an angel ever e to your heart"
Du Hanchuan shifted his gaze to them and shook his head expressionlessly.
The man closed his eyes, nodded with a smile: "She will e, just like our little angel." After speaking, he shook the little baby in his arms lightly.
— Have you ever had an angel in your heart
The angel has been here, but his world has already gone to the opposite place from heaven.
Du Hanchuan has a good tutor and never loses his composure in front of others. So, even though his heart was already in pain like a knife at this moment, there was still a very polite smile on his face.
After sleeping in the sheets with Shirley at night, he went back to his dormitory. Hungry, he opened a bowl of Taiwanese instant noodles he bought from Chinatown, cooked them in a pot, and added some discounted vegetables, which was the first time he rewarded himself in the middle of the night recently.
For such a long time, it's not that he hasn't thought about going back to Pianpian to reconcile.
But she is the only daughter of an entrepreneur, how could she be dragged down by a poor boy in distress. When she was born, she already had everything she needed. If the result of spending her whole life with him was to reduce her quality of life and make her spend the rest of her life with him in debt, he would rather have a man with more money appear and give her happiness for him.
And he knew that a girl like her would not lack good suitors. She will live a safe and happy life, and will be cherished by a better man for a lifetime.
But…
Pianpian, I miss you so much.
Is it possible for me to see you again in this life
Impossible.
It's no longer possible...
It was already late at night, the neighbors who love nightclubs went out to have fun, Xueba fell asleep, and the girl who quarreled with her boyfriend on the phone every day went out to break up with him... Du Hanchuan was eating instant noodles, and his throat and chest hurt from being burned It didn't stop, as if this could prevent the emotional collapse. However, while eating, tears fell into the noodle soup.
In fact, when he was making out with Shirley, he tried countless times to imagine her as Pianpian, wondering if it would make him feel better.
But he found that he couldn't do it.
No amount of physical pleasure could make anyone's face appear in his mind. Every time he thinks of Pianpian, he will choose the latter between eager to try and strong resistance.
This is a muddy and sinful land of desire, and he has indulged himself into sinking. But even in fantasy, he didn't want to drag her into it.
Of course, Shirley is aware of this feeling hidden in the bottom of his heart by the teenager. One night, she snuggled into his arms and said emotionally, "I know you have a girl in your heart, and you love her more than anyone else. But I love you."
She is a mature woman who does not shed tears easily, but that night she hugged him and cried out of control.
How did those two years pass, Du Hanchuan is still a little confused.
The junior year finally passed the crisis at home, and his roommate-like love with Ms. Lin is still going on, but he can finally return to China to reunite with his parents.
Living in Beijing for a week, the family is harmonious and harmonious, and cherishes this hard-won family happiness very much. Then, he searched everywhere for news about his first love girlfriend, booked a plane ticket to fly to Shanghai, went to her university, and met her at the school gate by chance.
On the university campus in early autumn, the beret hat pressed her luxuriant curly hair, blowing small and dense waves. She was wearing a white high-necked shirt, an ankle-length brown skirt, and retro brown leather shoes. Her complexion was white and her steps were light. She looked like a girl who walked out of a medieval painter's brush. Carrying a paint bucket and a drawing board between her clips, she crisply crushed the broken leaves and dead bodies on the ground, and walked out of the campus with a smile on her face.
At that moment, Du Hanchuan only felt his scalp and even his limbs go numb.
It's Pianpian.
Really elegant.
Seeing her again after many years, the shock from the bottom of my heart was stronger than when I met her for the first time in high school.
He grabbed the steering wheel, breathed heavily, shook his head, desperately told himself to calm down, and thought about how he would talk to her after getting out of the car. Will she hate him enough to slap him...
If that's the case, that's fine, at least she still hates him.
But in the process of struggling, he saw her stop in front of a white BMW at the school gate.
The suits, leather shoes and watches of the man in the car all showed his worth, and his behavior revealed his experience and age. He came down and opened the door for her, and kissed her on the cheek. She shyly pushed him away and got into the passenger seat.
Du Hanchuan stared blankly at this scene, losing the ability to think.
"That pretty girl is Hao Pianpian, a celebrity in our school." A girl beside him whispered to Pianpian, "A young painter who has won the Dragon Lottery Award, every album is sold in the millions. Last month, the first stop of the national signing was held in our school. Really, really, you don’t know how fairy her painting style is, it’s almost like magic, God is too partial.”
"Is that her boyfriend?" another girl asked curiously.
"Yeah, a man with a talent and a woman's looks are a natural match."
Finally Du Hanchuan knew that time passed quickly, it didn't wait for him, it didn't keep the heart of the girl he loved for him.
Since she made up her mind to leave him, she hasn't looked back once.
Only he is still living in the past.
For so many years, she has been the most beautiful nightmare. Whether she is sober or drunk, she is always there, unwilling to leave.
But, the real her has long gone.
After meeting her for about three months, Du Hanchuan didn't sleep well. I don't dream about her very often, but she is always the first person I think of when I wake up.
He also vaguely learned from his high school classmates that Pianpian really hated him, and wished he hadn't started that relationship.
Du Chi vaguely knew the situation of some sons' first loves, and also talked to him implicitly: "In a man's life, love only accounts for a small part of the factor, and responsibility is the most important. We spoiled you, so you are here The sense of responsibility still needs to be strengthened.”
Recalling what his father said before going abroad, Du Hanchuan felt that it made sense. So after returning to China completely, he agreed to get engaged to Han Rong. Han Rong's family is the strongest, and he is the most suitable partner for marriage. She also expressed her attitude towards marriage at the beginning, but he was relieved-it's good to play with each other and not play with feelings.
"Did you get her?" Shirley once emailed after he got engaged.
"No."
"Does she know how much you love her?"
"It doesn't matter. As long as she is happy."
"Who said that only women who are in love will lose their IQ, and men can be stupid when they fall in love."
He didn't reply anymore.
Later, Du Hanchuan often thought that if it wasn't because of Lei Chi's Valentine's Day offline activities, he and Pianpian would have missed it forever in this lifetime.
But at the event, seeing her staring at the figures of "Peach Blossoms", he thought that maybe she would be interested in this game, so he asked the staff to ask her to fill out a form, and told her to sign up for "Peach Blossoms" now. "Myriad Realms" account can get a luxurious novice gift package. But she waved her hand and said, "I'm a diehard player of your game. Of course, I don't mind if you give me a gift bag."
I asked for her phone number, checked with the technician, and found that she used someone else's ID number to register the game, and the ID in the game was Feng Wu Pianran.
He doesn't play this game, he knows the name.
At this moment, he has completely figured it out, so what if he has a boyfriend, she is in the world of peach blossoms. In reality she will never forgive him, so he will never tell her who he is. He can get close to her one more time. If it can be exchanged for a result of falling in love, even if it is only in the virtual world, it would be great.
He found Feng Wu Pianran in "Peach Blossoms".
Just seeing the figure she pinched shaking in front of him, he already felt a little bit of happiness.
A ghostly woman, the purple robe is enchanting and ghostly, and has almost no similarity with her own appearance. But that doesn't matter, she's manipulating the character.
But he was not ready to have a conversation with her until he saw her talking about marriage standards in the world.
The first formal dialogue started under the peach blossom tree in the capital. The newly born Leng Yue actually has thousands of words to say, but he can only be a stranger, and can only start with a boring sentence: "How are you going to beat that Yaoxiu?"
Pianpian, we meet again.
I don't know when you will disappear from this virtual world, become someone else's bride, sleep in other men's arms, conceive offspring with him, and live a life that has nothing to do with me anymore.
However, I am willing to start this love affair with beginnings and no results.
…
And all this is a thing of the past.
At this very moment, Pianpian was right in front of him, within his reach, and waved to him: "Du Hanchuan? Du Hanchuan? What are you wandering about... Sigh, have you studied eye training? It's so affectionate. Every time you look at me like this, I feel like you want to love me until the sea is dry and the stone is rotten."
"I love you." He said nonchalantly.
"Frivolous, not serious."
Du Hanchuan raised his eyebrows: "Don't keep asking me if I love you or not, you'd better become infatuated, otherwise how can you tie up my wild horse."
"Who wants to tie you down, what a weird narcissist." Pianpian looked him up and down with a look of disgust, and lowered her head to play with her mobile phone.
"I'm a man who yearns for freedom like the wind. If I'm locked up, I won't run away."
"You run, I won't stop you. Go after your freedom." She didn't even lift her head.
Du Hanchuan laughed: "My Pianpian is still very smart."
I can't hide it from you.
I don't want to be free. I don't want it anymore.