When Qin Nan recalls his childhood, the thing that left the deepest impression on him was the kerosene lamp.
This item is rare nowadays, but at that time, most people in villages, and even in towns, would describe a wealthy family by saying "upstairs and downstairs, electricity and telephone."
He was quite timid when he was young. When he needed to urinate at night, he had to rely on his brother to light a kerosene lamp and take him outside to pee.
That little glimmer of light seemed to have an invisible power that could drive away the unspeakable fear in the dark night.
So he once asked his brother while they were sleeping in the same bed: "Can we sleep with the lights on?"
My brother said, "No, Grandpa will scold me. He said that we should use the lamp sparingly."
His brother is Qin Bei, who is six years older than him.
His brother told him that when he was a child, his parents were still at home and his grandmother was still alive. He said that his father would weave grasshoppers for him and his mother would make pancakes.
Qin Nan had never experienced these, because as far as he could remember, his parents had been working in other places, and they might not come back all year round. It was said that the train tickets were too expensive.
They just sent money home from the post office regularly. At this time, Qin Nan's grandfather would take his brother to the town to withdraw money. At that time, the gap between towns and villages was huge. When he saw a stall selling sugar paintings on the street, he would stand with his brother for a long time.
But he had never eaten it. He only saw other children taking the sugar paintings and leaving happily.
He didn't see his parents for the first time until he was five years old. His parents came back on New Year's Eve. It was snowing heavily that day. A boy and a girl came in carrying things. His brother pulled him to stand at the door. His grandfather happily went to the yard to welcome the strange couple home.
The man was very short, not very tall, and was about the same height as the woman next to him. The woman had no expression on her face until she saw Qin Bei and Qin Nan. Then she showed some emotion and asked Grandpa, "That Qin Nan? He's grown so tall."
As she spoke, the woman came over happily. She hugged Qin Bei and kissed him first, then hugged Qin Nan and kissed him.
She half-knelt in front of Qin Nan and shouted happily: "Nan Nan, call me mom."
Qin Nan looked at the woman and didn't dare to speak, so his grandfather explained: "It's been a long time since we last met, Nan Nan." Grandpa looked at him and said, "Come on, call mom."
Qin Nan didn't dare to speak yet. He timidly looked at his brother secretly. Qin Bei said indifferently: "Why are you looking at me? Scream."
Qin Nan finally spoke, and whispered, "Mom."
"And your father."
Grandpa reminded him again. Qin Nan looked up and it was much easier this time: "Dad."
Their parents brought them new clothes. They took the two brothers and went to the town on a tractor. It was the first time that Qin Nan ate sugar painting and played the game of trapping dolls with bamboo hoops.
All of this was new and joyful. At night, his parents stayed with him and his brothers to sleep together. At that time, he felt that even without a kerosene lamp, he was not that scared.
But the vacation soon ended and my parents got on the bus again, leaving their hometown far away.
Grandpa took the brothers to see their parents off. The elder brother looked at his parents with red eyes without saying a word. Qin Nan looked up at his brother and seemed to suddenly understand something.
He burst into tears and shouted to his parents who were already in the car: "Dad, Mom, don't go, don't go."
Dad and Mom leaned out to look, but Grandpa grabbed him and yelled at him, "Why are you crying? Don't your parents make money to support you?!"
He didn't care, struggling and crying, while his parents were sitting in the school bus. He saw his mother turned back from the window. She seemed to be crying too, but she didn't want them to see. His father was sitting by the window, waving at them with red eyes: "Dad will come back to see you next year. Go back, go back and be good, okay?"
The bus started moving, carrying his dearest away.
His elder brother seemed to be used to it, and advised him with red eyes: "Why are you crying? You are useless, go away."
The return of the parents caused a great shock to the village.
His brother once said that his father was the most useless person in the village. He was short and had a bad temper. He got the least when the land was distributed, and his land was the worst. The cabbages he grew were always laughed at for being small.
But this time, their parents brought back a lot of things, describing in vivid detail the big cities, the rapidly developing cities along the coast, which had everything that this small village had never seen.
Some people were persuaded by them, and the next year, the couple next door also left the village, leaving their children to be taken care of by their grandparents.
The two children were three years older than Qin Nan and three years younger than Qin Bei. Usually their grandparents went to farm, so they followed Qin Bei. When they reached a certain age, they would go to class during the day and follow Qin Bei home after class.
Qin Nan could no longer remember what happened exactly, he only vaguely remembered that two children from the neighboring house had started fighting, Qin Bei heard it and rushed over.
A group of people were fighting and Qin Bei was hit on the head with a stone by them.
Qin Bei stayed in the hospital for a week, and his grandfather paid a lot of money and returned with the child. After returning, the family that beat him came with the child. The whole family sat in Qin's house and surrounded Qin Nan's grandfather to ask for an explanation, saying that Qin Bei beat their child.
My grandfather tried to settle the matter peacefully by paying those people a hundred dollars in compensation, and the matter was finally settled.
When paying the compensation, Qin Nan and Qin Bei were watching on the side. Grandpa slapped Qin Bei and asked him to take Qin Nan to apologize. Qin Bei stiffened his neck and finally bowed his head and said sorry with Qin Nan.
A few months later, his parents came back from the Chinese New Year and heard about this incident. His mother got angry on the spot and went to that family with a kitchen knife to seek an explanation. The moment Qin Nan saw his mother holding the knife, he saw a light in his brother's eyes.
The two brothers followed their mother to the house, and a conflict broke out between the two sides. The hostess on the opposite side started fighting with their mother. Not long after, their father came over with his uncles and aunts, and the two sides fought fiercely. However, the Qin family was small and his father was short, so his father was held down by two men and another man stepped on him.
Qin Bei rushed forward, yelling, but was slapped away. Qin Nan trembled, and he watched from the side, watching his father beg for mercy after being beaten, his mother being grabbed by the hair and yelling at the side, and his grandfather shouting at the top of his voice: "Stop hitting me, please, stop hitting me."
He doesn't quite remember how the day ended.
He only remembered that his father fell in a pool of blood and was taken to the hospital. His ribs were broken, and when the police came to investigate, his father insisted that it was nothing and that it didn't happen.
He heard his parents quarreling at night, his mother scolding his father for being useless, and his father yelling at his mother: "You want to put them in jail, there are not many people in their family, and they want to fight us, what should we do?"
His mother was crying and his father was sighing. He looked up and saw his brother in the quilt, crying with his lips pursed.
After this incident, the two children became even more at odds with each other at school. Qin Nan was young and had a soft temper, so he would do whatever he was told, which was not a big deal.
The two kids next door to Qin Bei were often dragged away after class.
One day, Qin Nan heard Qin Bei and his two other children complaining that their lives were meaningless.
The other two children sat in front of the brazier, their faces covered with scars, crying with their heads down.
When Qin Nan was eight years old, his parents and the parents of the two children next door did not come back for the New Year. During the Lantern Festival, Qin Bei asked him if he wanted to eat sugar paintings, and he said yes.
The elder brother took him and the other two children, stole money from home, and ran to the town to buy sugar paintings. The children had a lot of fun in the town, so the elder brother bought a rope and took them to the mountain. Then Qin Bei said to him, "When we go home, grandpa will definitely beat us to death. Do you want to go back?"
Qin Nan was a little scared, but he still said, "If I don't go back, Grandpa will be worried."
Qin Bei thought about it and said, "Do you want to go back?"
He said he wanted to, and Qin Bei said, "Then go."
Qin Nan had a vague premonition of something at the time. He took the White Rabbit candy his brother bought for him, walked a few steps, and looked back.
The other two children were unwilling to come back. They stood with their brother. Qin Bei looked at him and shouted, "Leave, or I'll beat you."
Qin Nan was afraid of being beaten by his brother, so he ran back.
When they got back, grandpa grabbed him and beat him, asking, "Your brother? Why hasn't he come back yet?"
Qin Nan cried and said, "He's in the mountains. He said he won't come back."
My brother said he wouldn’t come back, and he really never came back.
And his parents finally returned home for the first time, not during the Chinese New Year.
Since that year, his parents came back every year, but every time they came, Qin Nan would hear his parents arguing.
The father seemed to want to have another child, but the mother scolded him, saying, "If I give birth to a child, how will I raise him? Will he turn out to be as useless as you?"
Qin Nan just listened quietly. He didn't quite understand at first, but he understood later.
When he was a teenager, he began to feel that his father was a coward.
He began to hang out with some older brothers at school, which made him feel safe. At least, if someone wanted to beat him, he felt that he would never be trampled underfoot like his father.
He hated his father and his mother who scolded him for being useless every time she saw him. He hated everything in the past, even himself.
Sometimes I dream of my brother, sitting by the fire, the firelight falling on his face, with a hesitation beyond his age on his face, muttering in a low voice: "What's the point of this day?"
He rebelled like other students, fighting, smoking, drinking and playing games. The teacher would call his parents and every time his father would call from afar and curse them on the phone, but he never came back.
More and more people in the village went to big cities to work, and more and more children were like him. They gathered together to play cards, and sometimes when they talked about the future, they all had a cognition.
"Just go and work. You can earn 3,000 yuan a month in a factory along the coast. Or you can learn a skill, scrape porcelain powder, lay floor tiles, or repair water pipes. If you can do it well, you can become a small contractor and earn tens of thousands a month. What's so hard about that?"
Friends all say this, uncles and aunts say this, and sometimes even teachers say, "If you don't want to study, that's fine, but be disciplined and at least finish the nine years of compulsory education. No one will force you to do that after you finish."
In fact, he thought so too, but sometimes, when he saw his classmates in the front row studying hard and their parents coming to pick them up and drop them off seriously, he also wondered, what was the difference in the lives of those who had studied
He finally asked his father this question when he graduated from the third year of junior high school.
At that time, he wanted to go out to work, but his father disagreed. He asked: "Everyone goes out to work. I didn't pass the exam anyway, so what's wrong with me going?"
His father was silent on the phone for a long time, and suddenly said: "I'll buy you a train ticket, and you come to Shanghai to see me."
He was stunned, but in fact, at that moment, he felt a little proud in his heart. He wanted to go to Shanghai and see the big city.
He took a train for a day and a night and arrived in this big city that had only appeared on TV.
His father worked as a construction worker here and lived in a makeshift shed. When he came, he lived with his father.
During the day, he watched his father work, hunched over and carrying heavy objects, and he would lend a hand. During the lunch break, his father asked him to sit on the construction site and eat a box lunch. His father pointed to the tall buildings in the distance and told him: "Look, those sitting in there must be college students."
Qin Nan turned to look at him. His father's face, which was dark and strong from being beaten by the wind and frost, was full of yearning: "If you want to be an official, a teacher, a doctor, or one of those people who gets paid by the government every month, you have to be a college student. Your father has worked all his life and knows how hard it is to work. You don't know anything. Why do you want to work?"
"That's because you have no ambition."
"I fuck your mother..."
The young boy blamed his father, but his eyes were fixed on the tall buildings. His father, who was weak towards outsiders, swore at him, and he lowered his head to eat his lunch box, but there was not a piece of meat in it.
When he came back from Shanghai, his father sent him to the train and told him, "I paid 20,000 yuan for you to attend No. 2 Middle School. You have to study hard and get into college, okay?"
He didn't reply, but looked up at the towering buildings in Shanghai, and finally said, "You have no right to control me."
Then he came back and didn't say anything about going to work. Many of his friends who used to play with him went to the factory.
He went to school in the town. On the first day of school, he saw many cars parked at the school gate. Students got out of the cars one by one, and their parents followed behind them, carrying their schoolbags and telling them to study hard in school, do their homework well, and practice piano on weekends...
This was a world that was extremely unfamiliar to him.
He entered the school, and soon after the start of the term, he realized that his father had been deceived.
In this school, there are only about twenty students who can be admitted to university every year, and most of them are just here to get by. The biggest wish of all students is to be admitted to a third-tier university, or even a junior college.
Students love to skip classes, whoever studies hard will be laughed at, they fall in love, and fight. It seems that there is not much difference between here and where he was before. If there is any change, it is probably that he has a deeper understanding of how difficult it is if he wants to get into a university and change his life.
Some people are born in Rome and have a car and a house in the town.
When he was still using kerosene lamps, their parents already had mobile phones.
By the time he thought smoking cigarettes was cool, they already knew what cigars tasted like.
What’s even more frightening is that these people don’t live in high-rise buildings in big cities.
He sometimes wondered what kind of life those children in big cities led.
But after thinking about it, he would tell himself that it had nothing to do with him anyway.
He began to accept what others said. If someone asked him about his future plans, he would smoke and play cards and say, "After graduation, I'll work."
But vaguely, my brother's words came to my mind again. What's the point of living like this
It’s better to…
He didn't dare to think too much and pretended to be the same as other people every day. His father knew that he was living the same life as before and called him to scold him.
In order to keep in touch, his father bought him a pager, and as a result, he started scolding him more frequently.
But the more he was scolded, the angrier he felt. He often quarreled with his father, and after the quarrel he would go to the Internet cafe, using the money he saved from his frugal life to play games, playing until he was exhausted.
Once he skipped classes to play games for two days, and his father called and scolded him, saying that if he didn't go back to school, he would come back to find him.
He felt annoyed, so he went back to attend the afternoon class.
It was raining heavily that day, and he didn't bring an umbrella. He walked to school as if to punish himself. Halfway through, he suddenly heard a clear voice calling out, "Classmate, don't you have an umbrella?"
He turned around indifferently and saw a pretty girl standing behind him. She was holding a large black umbrella with broken threads at the tip, making it look tattered.
Qin Nan looked at her indifferently. The girl walked forward and held an umbrella with him: "You are a student of our school, right? Let's go together."
He wanted to refuse, but for some reason, at that moment, he chose to take the umbrella.
"Um."
He lowered his head, thought for a moment, and added, "Thank you."
The two of them walked together under the umbrella. It was the first time he was so close to a girl.
This should be a girl from the city. She was having lunch at home at noon. He looked at her fair neck and guessed her identity.
When they arrived at school, they said goodbye and left without even asking each other's names. He felt a little regretful. When he sat down and turned around, he saw that the girl was sitting in the opposite class.
At that moment, he thought with some relief, oh, so she is there.
From that day on, he began to look involuntarily at the direction where the girl was sitting.
He saw that she was very serious in class and studying every day. Sometimes, when he passed by their class after class, he would hear others jokingly ask her, "Ye Sibei, are you going to apply to Tsinghua University or Peking University?"
The girl looked up and smiled, but said nothing.
Qin Nan stood not far away, watching quietly. He didn't know why, but he felt an indescribable envy.
He envied those who were so honest, who did not have to struggle or fight against the world and themselves.
He looked at her from afar and felt as if he had gained some kind of indescribable power.
At the end of her freshman year in high school, she was chosen as the class representative to give a flag-raising speech.
Her voice was shaking as she spoke. He looked up at her, and the classmate next to her laughed at her in a low voice: "You are so pretentious."
However, he felt that what she said was very good.
That day, he deliberately bumped into her while getting food, and when she said sorry, he finally spoke to her for the first time.
“Can a person’s destiny really be changed?”
She said yes.
Can.
That was the first time he felt that the world responded to the voice that was faintly shouting in his heart.
He didn't understand what it was at the time.
He just started watching her more often, and as he watched, he began to imitate her.
But it is easier to learn bad things than to learn good things, and giving up is simpler than working hard.
He simply couldn't understand the lectures or the books. When people asked him, "Qin Nan, are you going to apply to Tsinghua University or Peking University?" he felt ashamed and became depressed after trying for a while.
But every time he saw Ye Sibei studying, he couldn't help but cheer up. He saw her mother scolding her at the door, saying that she should go out to work earlier.
He suddenly realized that compared to her, they were equally poor, but at least, as a boy, his parents could let him continue his studies at all costs.
He thought about it for a long time that day, and finally went to find his head teacher Yang Qiyu. He whispered, "Teacher, is there still hope for me to study?"
Yang Qiyu was stunned. Facing the student's sudden question, he nodded excitedly: "Yes, if you don't understand, come and ask me."
Learning well is a battle.
A struggle between oneself and the environment.
He failed again and again, and stood up again and again.
He didn't want to fight anymore, so he skipped classes and went out to play, but he didn't help, so his brothers said he was unfair and ended up bullying him instead.
He wanted to study hard, but he couldn't help wanting to play games. He felt that the questions were too difficult and wanted to give up.
But fortunately, he did not seek help from the outside this time. Every time he couldn't hold on, Yang Qiyu would ask him: "Qin Nan, is there any problem recently?"
He was suddenly comforted, and he realized that sometimes, people really need someone to push them.
At the end of his second year of high school, his grades had improved significantly. He took his test paper and asked the teacher, "Teacher Yang, can I get into college?"
Yang Qiyu smiled: "If you work hard, there is hope."
He went home happily and wanted to tell his father the news, but he always felt a little awkward. After thinking it over, he finally decided to wait for his father to ask him.
But after waiting for a long time, his father didn't call him, he only received a notification from his mother.
The family rushed to Shanghai, and when he arrived, his father had already passed away.
He had an accident at the construction site. A large board fell on him and he was not wearing a safety helmet. He was sent to the hospital for emergency treatment but he died.
"Did the construction site pay compensation?" His uncle's first question was, "People can't die in vain!"
His mother burst into tears and shook her head, saying only, "He didn't bring a helmet, and they said they would only pay 20,000 yuan."
The people around me were cursing and talking about money.
He stood in front of the bed for a long time and cursed: "Don't talk about money!"
"How dare you say that?" He opened his mouth, and everyone turned around and cursed him.
They said he was ignorant, that he never let his father feel at ease for a single day when his father was alive, that his father had always done the hardest and most tiring work just to allow him to study, and that he was unfilial, disobedient, and a sinner.
He knew he was guilty.
He was speechless, he just stood there with his head down, crying.
After scolding him, everyone decided to seek justice and called all the villagers. At this time, most of the villagers were already working in coastal areas, so everyone gathered together and went to Gongdi to make trouble.
They carried his father's body, placed it in a coffin, placed it at the entrance of the construction site, hung banners, and made a violent scene.
After more than ten days of commotion, the corpse began to stink. A heavy rain came down, and Qin Nan finally lost his mind. He rushed out and tried to carry the coffin himself.
"Carry my dad back! You guys can do whatever you want, but my dad needs to be buried!"
"You son of a bitch, you know nothing!" The uncle rushed over, "Who's going to pay for burying your dad?!"
"My dad needs to be buried!" Qin Nan stared at his uncle. As a teenager, he was not as strong as he is now. With red eyes, he stood in front of his uncle and repeated word by word, "He can rest in peace only when he is buried. You can ask for money, but my dad wants..."
Before he could finish his words, his mother rushed over and slapped him hard in the face.
"I've never seen you so filial when you were alive, so why are you pretending to be so after you die? What do you know? Have you ever earned a penny when you were seventeen or eighteen? Your father is dead, how can he support you without money? Support your grandfather? Rely on that one acre of land or on your mother? Get out of here!"
He stood there in a daze, looking at the woman in front of him with a hideous face, and could not remember at all that he was the mother who used to sit on the bus and secretly wipe away her tears.
"Tie him up," she commanded, "and drag him away! What does a child know!"
After the mother finished speaking, the people nearby rushed over. He struggled and roared, just like his father back then. He was held down, tied up, and locked up in a temporary residence.
The room was very small and was said to belong to a co-worker. Two days later, his mother finally came to see him.
The construction site was willing to compensate 500,000 yuan, and my mother smiled happily, not looking sad at all.
He looked at his mother and couldn't help asking, "Aren't you sad?"
After hearing this, the mother fell silent. After a while, she sighed and said, "We still have to live our lives. And as for your father... Never mind. I won't say any more."
never mind.
He thought so too.
He could finally send his father home.
According to the customs of my hometown, people must be buried intact.
But when he saw his father, his father had been turned into a jar according to the method of big cities. He held the jar, got on the train and returned to his hometown.
After returning home, the village held a meeting and divided the 500,000 yuan among themselves, leaving 100,000 yuan for the mother and daughter.
He was quiet during that period and he often thought about his father. One day, he looked back at the test paper in his schoolbag and saw the score of 60. He didn't know what to do, but he hid in the quilt and cried.
Two days later, his mother was leaving again. Before she left, she came to see him. She was very kind and sat at the head of his bed, saying to him, "I remember you liked to eat White Rabbit when you were a child, but it was too expensive at that time, so I never bought it for you. I saw it in the supermarket yesterday and bought you a pack."
Qin Nan lowered his head. He had a premonition of something, but he didn't say anything.
The mother sat for a while and sighed, "I know you have no feelings for me, and I won't force you. In order to help my brother get married, I married your father. After I married him, I took care of your grandmother. After your grandmother passed away, I asked your father to go out to make a living. I have lived for others all my life."
As she spoke, the mother raised her head and looked at the beam above her head: "How old is your brother?"
Qin Nan was stunned for a moment. He looked up at his mother, who had tears in her eyes. "When your brother left, I almost wanted to leave too. I felt that it was all because of me that your father was a coward. If we had been more successful, would your brother have left? But then I thought, forget it. We have to live. Forget it, let's not talk about it."
His mother watched him stand up. She walked in front of him and put her hand on his face: "Mom is leaving today. You should take good care of yourself in the future. Do you hear me?"
Qin Nan didn't say anything. He looked at his mother. At that moment, he seemed to be back to the time when he was five years old, watching his parents leave.
But he could no longer cry as loudly as he did when he was five years old. He looked at his mother and anticipated what she was going to do. He wanted to keep her but couldn't say anything. After a long while, he choked up and said, "Mom, I got third in the class in the final exam. The teacher said that if I work harder, I can go to college."
Their class is the worst class, their school is the worst school. Only the top 20 students in their school have the possibility of going to college. He is third, so the distance to college is like a chasm.
He didn't know if his mother could understand. His mother was stunned for a moment, then a little flustered. Her eyes were red, but she controlled her emotions and nodded: "Okay, it's good."
"It's time," she turned around hurriedly, "I'm leaving first."
As she said this, she hurried out of the house, and he saw her get on another man's motorcycle and leave the house.
He turned around and sat on the bed, and then he realized that the quilt had been moved where his mother had sat. He reached in and touched a stack of money.
Thirty thousand dollars.
Since then, he has never seen his mother again, and he learned from others that she had been in love with another man in another place. His father knew about it, but he always pretended not to know.
After his parents passed away in different ways, his grandfather aged overnight. On the day Qin Nan went to school, his grandfather coughed as he sent him off. He said, "I'm not going, am I?"
Grandpa waved his hand and coughed to let him go.
He hesitated for a long time before finally walking out of the house.
After arriving at school, on the first day of school, he subconsciously looked for Ye Sibei, but found that the seat was empty.
He felt a little uneasy. After a few days, he couldn't help but go to Yang Qiyu and asked hesitantly: "Teacher, that... that..."
"What?"
"Um, Class 7, Grade 1, Ye Sibei," he mustered up the courage to ask, "She seems to have not been to class for a long time."
"Alas, her family has had some changes. They don't allow her to come over. They want her to go out to work. We are still trying to persuade her parents."
Qin Nan was stunned for a moment, and Yang Qiyu suddenly remembered: "Why do you ask this?"
As he said that, Yang Qiyu laughed: "Do you like her?"
"No." Qin Nan denied it. Yang Qiyu didn't say much, but just told him: "Don't delay your studies. There is only one year left."
Only one year left.
When Qin Nan walked out of the office, he couldn't help but think that there was only one year left before Ye Sibei couldn't hold on any longer.
He knew that Ye Sibei was different from him. His father paid for his tuition to buy him in, but Ye Sibei relied on himself to get admitted.
His father strongly supported him in his studies, but Ye Sibei persisted in passing the exam despite the blows from his parents.
In the past two years, she has been getting up early and going to bed late every day. He once saw her yawning under a street lamp. She had already taken a book and was reading under the street lamp.
It's the last year.
If they hold on a little longer, Ye Sibei will be able to reach a world that they should not have entered.
That night, he couldn't sleep all night. He thought for a long time. He thought of his brother, his father, and his grandfather.
In his life, he had never seen a person escape his or her destined fate.
He wanted to see it once.
Even once.
Anyway, he couldn't get into college, and he didn't want to drag his grandfather down. Working part-time also has its future. A few years ago, an uncle also opened a store and had his own business, which was no worse than those college students.
He struggled all night, and the next day, he went to the Academic Affairs Office.
He went through the procedures for dropping out of school, and then found Yang Qiyu. He handed Yang Qiyu 20,000 yuan and said, "Teacher, please go to Ye Sibei's house and tell her that someone donated money to her."
Yang Qiyu was stunned for a moment, and subconsciously asked: "Where did you get the money?"
"Teacher," Qin Nan looked at him seriously, "I dropped out of school. Thank you for your care," Qin Nan bowed, "If I have a promising future, I will come back to visit you."
Having said that, he left without hesitation.
Yang Qiyu was stunned for a moment, then chased Qin Nan out.
"Qin Nan!" he shouted from behind, "You will regret this, Qin Nan!"
He didn't look back, he didn't dare.
Because he didn't know whether what Yang Qi Yu said was true.
Later, he took 10,000 yuan and went to the coastal area to learn auto repair.
Before leaving, he went to school one last time. He didn't go in, but stood at the door and waited for a long time. Finally, he saw Ye Sibei.
She was no different from before, her eyes were clear and firm, and she walked towards where she wanted to go without distraction.
He watched in the dark for a long time and then slowly began to laugh.
Then he got on the train, shaking and moving to a new place.
After entering the adult world, he realized that the world was kind to everyone during his student days.
At first, he thought that he would work hard, save money, and open a store in the future.
But when he started working more than twelve hours a day, earning a meager salary, sleeping on a narrow bed, and surrounded by the smell of cigarettes and instant noodles, he didn't think about anything else but to have a good sleep.
Slowly, he began to live one day at a time.
Be lazy if you can, because it’s too tiring.
Until one day, when roads were closed everywhere, he was covered in engine oil, holding a handboard and asking what happened. His colleague rolled the tire and said nonchalantly: "It seems to be the college entrance examination?"
He was stunned for a moment, and a long-lost clarity suddenly filled his mind. That night, he called Yang Qiyu and asked, "Teacher Yang, did Ye Sibei take the college entrance examination?"
Yang Qiyu seemed a little sad. He responded, "Ah, the college entrance examination."
"Are her grades good?"
"Okay, it should be able to stay on the first-tier line."
"That's good."
He repeated in the dark: "That's good."
The next day, he got up early, served tea and water to the master, worked actively, and asked questions when he didn't understand. He was thinking all the time that he had to learn the skills well so that he could become a boss in the future.
He remained like this for many years afterwards.
As I walked, I forgot what I wanted to do in the first place. Then, occasionally, when I saw the laughing students on the road, the tall buildings in the distance, and the exquisite women carrying famous bags and getting out of luxury cars, I suddenly thought of the young girl.
He would secretly call her, listen to her voice from afar, and say anything, and he would be able to muster up great courage.
Look, there is someone far away who is experiencing the same miserable life as you, but she never gives up. How can you give up
She can get the life she wants, and so can you, Qin Nan.
But such comfort becomes less and less useful as we grow older.
He began to clearly realize that some gaps seem impossible to cross in a lifetime, some people are in deep ditches, and some are in high buildings.
He began to forget what Ye Sibei looked like, but he didn't know what kind of inertia it was. He still tried intermittently to cheer himself up.
Finally, he saved enough money, returned to South City, and opened a car repair shop.
The auto repair shop business was stable, and his life was mediocre. His grandfather's health was getting worse and worse, and he began to urge him to get married.
So he began to go to one blind date after another in South City. He thought, this was his life.
His fate was indeed better than what he deserved, but this "little bit" still made him feel as if nothing had changed.
He seemed to have always been young, facing the world, without any ability to fight back.
He followed the rules of the world and went on blind dates everywhere. Then, during a heavy rain, he looked back through the glass window and saw Ye Sibei.
The girl's eyes were gentle and smiling, but they had lost their former sharpness.
They looked at each other through the glass window for a long time, and he suddenly wanted to know whether she had been living well all these years.
So he walked in. He prepared a lot of words, but after a long while, he still didn't know how to start. Instead, the other party smiled and took the initiative to say hello: "Hello, how about meeting each other?"
That was his reacquaintance with Ye Sibei.
He always thought that Ye Sibei, who was admitted to university, would leave here and go to a big city to live a better life.
However, the person opposite him told him that she had been staying at home and had no job. She stuttered all the way, spoke to him carefully, and glanced at him from time to time, as if she was afraid that he would be unhappy.
The girl in my memory is completely different.
He couldn't describe the feeling, he told himself, this was the reality.
Being young was a luxury for him. Who could change their destiny because of an accidental turn of events
Once you are in the quagmire, no one can leave.
But for some reason, he still felt uncomfortable that day. He went to find Yang Qi Yu and told her with sobs.
Teacher, I regret it.
He regretted it.
It’s not that I regret giving the opportunity to change my destiny to Ye Sibei.
He regretted that people should not have hope, and should not entrust their hope to another person.
He had a hangover all night and woke up the next day feeling sober.
In fact, Ye Sibei did nothing wrong, he just had too high expectations. Ye Sibei was the most acceptable blind date he had ever met, so he decided to date her.
They went on a polite date, followed Nancheng's steps, went on a blind date, proposed marriage, and got married successfully before his grandfather passed away.
Not long after the marriage, his grandfather passed away.
On the day he left, he sat on the threshold of his old home and cried. Ye Sibei hesitated for a moment, then sat next to him. She raised her hands and hugged him. She said, "It's okay. I'm here for you."
At that moment, he suddenly felt an inexplicable attachment.
However, this kind of feeling did not last long. He found that Ye Sibei always came home. Every time he went to the Ye family for dinner, Ye Nianwen would sit in the house like a big boss, and Ye Sibei had to do all kinds of housework. When the family ate together, Ye Nianwen wanted to get up to add more rice, and Huang Guifen would always say, "Give the bowl to your sister."
Their family seemed to be used to this pattern. One time, he couldn't help but get angry, and Ye Sibei felt embarrassed. On the way home, she kept her head down. He couldn't help but say, "Next time they want to order you around, don't go back!"
She remained silent, and this made him inexplicably irritated. He didn't know what he was expecting, he just felt tormented.
He yelled at her: "Say something."
She lowered her head and said, "I'm sorry."
Their disputes were on all fronts.
He has been trying hard to control his emotions, but for some reason, he always feels indescribable anxiety when facing Ye Sibei.
It seemed that he could allow everyone in the world to be weak, except Ye Sibei.
Every time he heard Ye Sibei say "I'm sorry", he wanted to lose his temper, but he was afraid of scaring her, so he could only rush out the door and light a cigarette to calm himself down.
And she was used to all this, and sometimes, he even had an illusion.
In fact, she doesn't care at all.
She said sorry, she just wanted to smooth over the matter, to get over it.
He didn't know why she became like this, but he felt that it was natural for her to be like this.
Isn't he the same
He had been enduring all the time. Ye Sibei always had to work overtime until late and always gave money to the family. They argued and quarreled. On the nights when he was anxious, he turned his back to her and didn't say a word. She reached out her hands and gently hugged him from behind. He inexplicably felt that he was wrong.
Day by day, his patience wore thin, until one day, he discovered that Ye Sibei had taken out a credit loan.
At that moment, he suddenly felt that life was hopeless. He could think of the future as long as he closed his eyes. The future was that Ye Sibei would continue to support Ye Nianwen, their family would be in chaos, and they would quarrel all the time until their faces turned hideous. In the end, Ye Sibei might become her mother, and he would become his father, or his uncle.
Thinking of such a future, he finally made a decision.
He went to see a lawyer, wrote a divorce agreement, and gave it to Ye Sibei.
He moved back to the shop and spent sleepless nights.
But he knew he couldn't turn back, he couldn't let his life become more and more like his father's.
Then he helped Zhang Yong investigate the case and listened to Zhao Chuchu's memories of Ye Sibei.
He listened to Ye Sibei's past, and he really wanted Zhao Chuchu to shut up.
He knew better than anyone what Ye Sibei was like in the past, so how could she become like this
But when he saw Ye Sibei's recording and heard Ye Sibei's words, he realized that Ye Sibei was not a god.
She was no different from his brother, his father, and him.
A flesh and blood body cannot bear the burden. Back then, Yang Qiyu, Ye Sibei, his parents, and his grandfather helped him along the way.
Why should he ask Ye Sibei to go forward alone
He is her husband, and he should have helped her, just like Yang Qiyu, his teacher, helped him back then.
At that time, he didn't understand the reason and didn't think about it deeply.
When he thought about it later, he realized that from the moment he admitted that Ye Sibei could be weak, Ye Sibei finally turned from a god into a human in his heart.
He accompanied Ye Sibei to call the police, endured everything together, and sued together.
Teach Ye Sibei again what Ye Sibei had taught him.
Ye Sibei was on the verge of collapse, but in fact he had already been overwhelmed.
But Ye Sibei didn't fall down back then, and now he won't allow himself to fall down.
Ye Sibei had endured more than him, how could he fall down
However, he eventually lost the first trial. When he saw Ye Sibei kneeling in the rain and crying, he clearly realized that he was still in the same place as before.
He would never, ever, be able to get over the moment he saw his father being pinned to the ground.
But what if I can’t get out
Just as his mother said, people have to live.
He accepted his fate.
But he saw Ye Sibei's preparations, and when he realized what Ye Sibei was going to do, he seemed to see the shining girl from that year again.
He realized that Ye Sibei would always be Ye Sibei, and her soul would never yield.
She refuses to accept her fate, she always pursues the world rules she wants, which are clearly black and white.
He seemed to have returned to the night when he found out that Ye Sibei was going to drop out of school. He thought about it for a long time, and in the end, he came to the same answer.
He went in her place, and the moment he saw Fan Jiancheng kneeling down, he felt as if his soul had finally merged with Ye Sibei's soul - or rather, the self he had dreamed of for so many years.
It’s not that he can’t resist, he can.
But the knife did not strike, and Ye Sibei reached out his hand towards him.
He looked at Ye Sibei and listened to Ye Sibei say that she didn't care. He seemed to be back to the age of seventeen. He thought, if Ye Sibei could do it, he could do it too.
But when he thought about being able to stay with Ye Sibei until old age and that he had a family, he suddenly realized that he seemed to have got the life he wanted.
He walked towards Ye Sibei, also coming out of the nightmare of his youth.
My elder brother said beside the brazier, "What's the point of living like this?"
He was finally able to turn around and look at his brother: "Yes."
Keep going, ten years, twenty years, and one day, you will finally reach the life you want.
The persistence of the weak is the most powerful resistance in this world.
He and Ye Sibei had each walked this road for twenty-eight years, and finally reached the end.