That was the last picture of her in her memory, that day.
After that, everything turned into darkness and I couldn't remember anything.
She seemed to be trapped in a deep dream. In the dream, she saw Qin Nan again. She was in the water, swimming upstream, and Qin Nan was standing on the shore, wearing a black windbreaker and holding a transparent umbrella.
She suddenly remembered that this was actually the first time she met him.
It was the autumn of her 25th year, her third year back in South City.
She had just failed the civil service exam and was looking for a job while going on blind dates.
That afternoon, she had just finished a date, but the other party was not very satisfied with her and left after a short conversation.
The bill was split, and she thought she couldn't waste the money, and she also didn't want to go home too early and be scolded by her mother, so she sat in the store after the other party left.
It drizzled in the afternoon. She sat by the window, watching the cars coming and going, and then a young man came.
He was wearing a black windbreaker and holding a transparent umbrella with the supermarket logo printed on it. It should be a giveaway. He was standing less than a meter away from her, across the window.
She sat at the window and looked at him, but he seemed totally unaware, which made her bolder and she looked at him even more unscrupulously.
At first glance, this man seemed to be clean-cut and well-dressed, but if you looked closely, you would find that he had beautiful eyes and a straight nose. He was handsome in a way that was pleasing to the eye, and she could not help but be fascinated by him.
Perhaps she looked for too long and the other person was disturbed by her. He turned around and met her gaze through the rain curtain and the foggy floor-to-ceiling glass.
When their eyes met, she was stunned for a moment, then she felt panic as if someone had discovered she was peeping at her. She pretended nothing had happened and turned her head away, trying to avoid the embarrassment.
However, after a while, she heard footsteps, and the footsteps stopped in front of her. She slowly looked up and saw a young man standing in front of her.
He didn't say anything, but frowned, as if he was thinking of an opening remark.
She didn't know where she got the courage from. After taking a deep breath, she simply smiled and took the initiative to invite him: "Can we get to know each other?"
Qin Nan smiled in the dream.
And she didn't know why, but she heard a panting sound. The panting sound was like some kind of sticky mollusk crawling along her body, disturbing her from her sweet dream.
She slowly opened her eyes and felt darkness in front of her eyes. It seemed as if someone had covered her eyes with a black cloth. Only some residual light that could not be blocked by the black cloth shone through the cloth into her eyes.
There was a narrow leather seat under me, and the edges of it shook and creaked as I moved.
She didn't have any strength in her body, and even if she was conscious, she had no ability to resist.
Terror swept through her body, but in this terror, she unexpectedly possessed a very rational state.
She knew exactly what had happened to her, and realized at the first moment that she could not wake up.
At that moment, she clearly realized that she had to pretend to be still unconscious and make this person think that she knew nothing and there was no chance for him to recognize her and call the police. This would increase her chances of survival.
In movies, TV shows or other works of art, the description of such things is always full of a kind of fantasy, which seems to be based on the unspeakable and excitement in the genes of human nature, and all the pain and danger are glossed over.
But in fact, real sexual assault cases are accompanied by a lot of violence and blood, and are closely related to death.
She tried her best to keep herself calm and composed, and to retrieve all the relevant information she had learned and knew in the past, so as to find the possibility of escape as much as possible.
She gritted her teeth, tried to stop herself from trembling, and tried to relax as much as possible.
She kept telling herself to stay calm and not let fear overwhelm her.
She let go of all her emotions and consciousness and memorized all the relevant content.
What does he smell like, how much he weighs, how dense his body hair is, what sound he faintly makes, everything she can touch, she must remember it.
But the process made her too sick and she was in great pain.
She clenched her teeth.
What supported her was that she told herself that she could survive, could take revenge, and could make this man pay the price for everything he had done.
Time passed very slowly.
It grew so long that she felt as if she was about to despair.
There was no pleasure, no excitement, only pain coming from the body and an indescribable mental humiliation.
She can't bear it any longer.
She could no longer maintain her original rationality to record, and in order to alleviate the pain at this moment, she began to desperately recall all the beautiful things she had experienced in her life.
She remembered when she was a child, she stood on the roof and looked into the distance, watching the city spread endlessly towards the horizon, and the morning sun shining in every corner of the world.
Thinking back to the oath-taking ceremony in the senior year of high school, she, as a representative, swore an oath with everyone in that not-so-good middle school which could only graduate 20 undergraduate students a year.
I remembered riding bicycles with my classmates in college, and the first time I met Qin Nan on a rainy day.
She also remembered a detail. On the wedding day, she and Qin Nan's relatives and friends surrounded them and took photos.
The photographer yelled "Eggplant!"
Qin Nan stood beside her and quietly pulled her back.
Qin Nan...
The pain began to intensify and she shivered uncontrollably.
The man above raised his hand and pinched her neck. In her fuzzy consciousness, she vaguely heard him ask in a low voice: "Still pretending?"
She had no strength, and the other person seemed to have changed his voice deliberately, or maybe she was too nervous, so she couldn't tell who it was.
Panic overwhelmed her and she felt death looming over her.
Her body was stiff, and she was turned over and asked to kneel down in a more humiliating position.
"Scream," the other person ordered her, "or I will kill you!"
She didn't dare to resist. She trembled and uttered the first sound, short and quick, "Ah."
When she cried "Ah", she felt as if her defenses had completely collapsed in an instant.
She couldn't help but howl and scream.
She felt pain, so much pain.
It's not physical, but a pain that goes from the heart to the fingertips, like someone breaking your spine and causing you to completely collapse.
Is this physical abuse
It seems to be, but it also seems not to be.
It was as if every humiliation in life was inflicted on her in this behavioral way.
Trample her, humiliate her, tell her that all her efforts are in vain and all her resistance is in vain.
She doesn't deserve it.
She has no right to happiness, and all her hopes will be crushed into dust in this world.
Even surviving is a kind of pity, luck, and unknown.
She howled, the scene before her eyes kept changing, and she felt her spirit collapse bit by bit, until finally, she forgot everything.
The last moments were so intense and painful that she felt like she was going to die.
There was a little light in front of her eyes.
She stretched out her hand with all her might.
Behind the dim light, I could hear my sixteen-year-old self reciting passionately during a speech on Monday.
That was a sound she didn't hear in her dream.
“We fight, we work hard, we struggle, and through the darkest times, a bright future is within reach.”
“There is no suffering that cannot be overcome, no despair that cannot be overcome.”
"Use learning to change your life, and use hard work to change your destiny."
"let me go… "
"I am Ye Sibei from Class 7 of Senior 1. I will never give up and become a better person."
Tears blurred her eyes and pain filled her body.
She felt the light dimming a little.
At that moment, she finally collapsed, as if her skin and flesh were torn apart alive, and she howled in pain: "Let me go!!"
“Let me go!!!”
It is fate, it is despair, it is the gods and Buddhas who are watching in silence.
It is suffering, condemnation, humiliation, and unspeakable humiliation and disgust.
Like mountains collapsing, they smashed into her flesh and blood.
She was not the Monkey King who possessed an indestructible body. When the Five Finger Mountain pressed down on her, the only ending was the weakest, most hidden, most insignificant bit of hope, which was crushed into dust in the darkness.
My God.
At that moment, she thought.
If you exist in this world, please open your eyes.
Give me a ray, a trace, a little bit of light.
Save Ye Sibei.
my God.