Yuan Yuan sat on a chair in the dining room, Tan Ruikang knelt on the ground, picked out the glass slag stuck on his feet, turned around and took a Band-Aid to put on him.
"Don't be afraid." Tan Ruikang said: "Xiaoyuan, don't be afraid, brother doesn't despise you, no wonder you keep saying that you won't get married... Just say it, let's find a solution together, it will get better, it's a psychological problem."
Yuan Yuan said: "Brother, you don't understand, this is not a psychological problem."
Tan Ruikang whispered, "Xiaoyuan, it's alright."
Yuan Yuan couldn't stop shaking in front of him, leaned forward slightly, and whispered, "You don't understand, you don't understand, Tan Ruikang, I love you."
Tan Ruikang was silent for a moment and said, "Xiaoyuan, I love you, brother loves you, you are my only younger brother. But it's not that kind of love between us... "
Yuan Yuan was crazy, his endurance was far from being able to bear, he yelled at Tan Ruikang with tears: "I fucking like you so much, I have liked you for so many years!! I like you so much that I like you so much! You If you like me, you'll die!!"
Tan Ruikang's pupils dilated slightly, and after a long time, he panted and said, "Xiaoyuan, calm down."
Yuan Yuan closed his eyes, he really wanted to hit him to death, and he blamed himself for the stupid thing he just did.
Tan Ruikang poured a glass of water for Yuanyao to drink, and Yuanyao filled the glass of water, lying on the table tiredly, Tan Ruikang let out a long breath.
"Give me one." Yuan Yuan said.
After Tan Ruikang became ill, the two quit smoking. After he got better, Tan Ruikang started smoking again for entertainment, but he never smoked in the distance. At this time, he couldn't do it without smoking.
Yuan Yuan was a little numb, his mind was completely blank, and he didn't want to say anything, Tan Ruikang patted Yuan Yuan's head.
"Don't touch me!" Yuan Yuan shouted.
Tan Ruikang said: "Brother, don't be afraid, we will bear it together, brother will help you, don't be like this, don't give up on yourself. Brother will not dislike you, really not."
Yuan Yuan looked at Tan Ruikang with red eyes and remembered many things.
He has never been truly independent - all the choices in his life were made by Tan Ruikang with him, all difficulties were borne by Tan Ruikang, and all these pains disappeared under his sharing, except for the only one one thing.
"Speak out what you think." Tan Ruikang said, "Let's solve it together, trust me, okay?"
With tears in her eyes, Yuan Yuan nodded and said, "Okay, okay."
Tan Ruikang breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Xiaoyuan, you are just impulsive and can be cured."
Yuan Yuan said, "It's not on impulse, no... for many years."
Tan Ruikang said, "When did you think you liked men?"
Yuan Yuan said: "I don't like men... I don't like other people..."
Tan Ruikang said: "You make it clear, Xiaoyuan."
He looked at Tan Ruikang and realized that what he was about to make was an extremely difficult choice. He wanted to separate the Tan Ruikang he loved from his brother, and he wanted to tell him all about his thoughts and let them kill his love together. This process is tantamount to tearing himself apart, killing the other Tan Ruikang in his life, or the distant self who loves Tan Ruikang.
"I... don't know." Yuan Yuan shook his head and said, "I don't know when I started liking men."
He remembered the night they hid in the log cabin in the quarry, was that that day? No, it shouldn't be that day, that night was just a wake-up call, this feeling has always been there.
Is it that day? The day when Tan Ruikang came over with a smile and put the earphones in his ears? Neither.
Or the day he handed him a picture album...
A distant and numb memory, hearing a lonely child cry in his soul, was that the day? He remembered the moment when Tan Ruikang was leaning against the courtyard wall and looked at him curiously.
"It's innate." Yuan Yuan said, "I heard that homosexuality is inherited. Brother, I want to go to sleep for a while, just sleep for a while."
Tan Ruikang said, "Go to bed, and I'll wake you up for dinner later."
"I don't want to eat." Yuan Yuan said, "Take me up for breakfast tomorrow."
He dragged his weary footsteps into the room, locked the door, and fell on the bed, for some reason he didn't feel the slightest sadness, but only felt that the broken glass on his feet hurt.
What to do, he began to be afraid, and he would never be able to face Tan Ruikang in the future. What would he do if Zhao Guogang knew about it
Tan Ruikang smoked in the living room all night, made a few phone calls to explain the company's affairs, and did not go anywhere.
When I was far away, I woke up. In the middle of the night, I heard Tan Ruikang cleaning the broken coffee table, and his feet were aching with the sound. This feeling was very uncomfortable. He could not sleep or wake up. He was standing alone in the dream. No one came into the room to hold him to sleep again.
As the night passed, the distant mood had become calm, and he still did not have a definite solution, but the fear gradually disappeared, and the matter was not as terrible as when it happened just yesterday afternoon.
Fortunately, Tan Ruikang stopped him and didn't let him go out, otherwise Yuan Yuan might have done something unexpected. According to the mood of yesterday, he may feel helpless to run out and jump off the building or crash into a car to commit suicide.
And now everything is better when I wake up.
He didn't want to go out to face Tan Ruikang, but he had to go out. He wanted to go to the toilet, and he always had to face him, so he opened the door.
The living room has been tidied up, but Tan Ruikang did not go back to the room, but still lay on the sofa to sleep.
Yuan Yuan went to the toilet, approached Tan Ruikang, and wanted to touch him, but before he touched him, Tan Ruikang woke up immediately.
There was a burst of sadness in Yuan Yuan's heart. When he slept with him before, Tan Ruikang was almost defenseless.
"What time is it?" Tan Ruikang rubbed his eyes.
"Five-thirty." Yuan Yuan said.
Tan Ruikang nodded and said, "Have you enough sleep, Xiaoyuan?"
Yuan Yuan said: "Well, let me make breakfast, what do you eat?"
Tan Ruikang said, "Brother will do it for you."
The distant foot was still a little sore. He sat down at the dining table and lay down, while Tan Ruikang went to cook breakfast for him.
What to do in the future? Yuan Yuan pondered this question over and over again, would Tan Ruikang pretend not to know? Like nothing happened like this? Both of them took what happened last night as a dream
It might be good if it is really like this, but you have to keep a distance... You can't hug him and touch him, Yuan Yuan knows that Tan Ruikang thinks homosexuality is disgusting, but he won't feel disgusting anyway. He was both moved and sad. It was the tacit understanding they had long buried deep in each other's lives. What was sad was Tan Ruikang's reaction, so he couldn't find any excuse to escape at all.
Yuanyuan would prefer Tan Ruikang to hide from himself, then he can leave logically, but he didn't. He wants to face this matter with Yuanyuan. Far away there is nowhere to hide.
Tan Ruikang prepared breakfast and said, "Brother is going to Shantou today. There is a boss over there who wants to buy our lamps."
Yuan Yuan said, "What time do you go? How many?"
Tan Ruikang: "Leave at 7 o'clock, 100,000 sticks, go as early as possible, come back early, and come back at 5 or 6 o'clock in the afternoon."
Yuan Yuan said: "Don't drive, ask a driver to take you there."
Tan Ruikang smiled and said, "It's okay, enough sleep."
He looked a little tired, and when breakfast was set out, Yuan Yuan was indeed very hungry. He was thinking that even if this matter was revealed, what would happen in the future
After a while, Tan Ruikang said: "If you surf the Internet at home, don't think about it, it's nothing, don't go out."
Far away: "Yeah."
Tan Ruikang said again: "Just say it, there is always a way to solve it. Brother, I will go to work on the company's affairs in the past few days and go home to accompany you."
Tan Ruikang cleaned up the table, went to get a suit and prepared to go to work, sat at the table in the distance, looking at the cup of tea.
Tan Ruikang came over, holding his suit jacket in one hand, and brushing his distant forehead with his fingers, leaned in and kissed his forehead lightly.
Far away looked up at him blankly.
"Xiaoyuan, brother loves you." Tan Ruikang said, "everything can be solved, don't go to a dead end. I'll be back as soon as possible."
Tan Ruikang left, lying on the table far away, his mood was unprecedentedly quiet, he felt as if he didn't love Tan Ruikang anymore.
That day, he didn't even turn on the computer, so he just sat at home watching TV, flipped out the disc, watched Spirited Away, watched American blockbusters, watched Harry Potter, and felt dizzy. Every time he saw the love scene in the movie, he couldn't help but think of himself, everyone is in love, only he is lonely.
Lying on the sofa and watching for a while, he started to fall asleep, half asleep and half awake, and he didn't eat lunch. Tan Ruikang came back after four o'clock and bought vegetables to cook for him. The two talked about the company's problems. Still very awake, he assisted Tan Ruikang to complete a decision. Tan Ruikang didn't mention homosexuality again, so he went to bed early at night.
Yuan Yuan couldn't sleep all night and was about to have a nervous breakdown. He got up in the middle of the night to surf the Internet, looked at gay websites, and wanted to talk to someone. He heard Tan Ruikang say from the next door, "Xiao Yuan, you haven't slept yet?"
"Sleep right away." Yuan Yuan replied, turning off QQ, lying on the bed and thinking over and over again.
A few days later, he felt a lot better and felt less embarrassed. Tan Ruikang stayed at home all the time, didn't talk much, and didn't call anyone, just like when Zhao Guogang left home to get married, Tan Ruikang just accompanied him, With him at home, Yuan Yuan gradually felt at ease.
Tan Ruikang was lying on the sofa reading a book, looked far away, and said, "Do you want to eat salad?"
Yuan Yuan said: "I will come by myself."
Going to get a salad in the distance, I noticed that Tan Ruikang bought a lot of books, which should have been bought a few days ago, all about psychological problems and homosexuality.
He has read all these, Freud's "Sexology and Love Psychology", British author's "Sexual Psychology", "Neurotic Psychology and Homosexuality" and so on.
Yuan Yuan took the salad over, fed Tan Ruikang, and said, "I don't have AIDS, only promiscuity has AIDS. I've never slept with a man."
"I know." Tan Ruikang laughed and said, "I don't dislike you either."
Yuan Yuan took a book and flipped through it. He knew that Tan Ruikang was actively trying to help him and make him return to a normal person. Yuan Yuan was very grateful and knew that Tan Ruikang was really good for him. There is no one else in the world like Tan Ruikang. Love him the same.
There are a lot of red lines drawn in the book, some interpretations about homosexuality, and extended meanings. It is an unspeakable shame and pain to see in the distance that a man thinks he is a woman's sexual perversion, pedophilia and other terms and definitions.
Is your heart a man or a woman? Far away can't help thinking.
"I don't like little boys." Yuan Yuan said, "I don't like pedophiles."
Tan Ruikang nodded and said far away: "I may prefer that kind of... A reliable man who can make me depend on me. I have a habit of dependence and never grow up... I think it may be because my dad left me, suddenly I was alone, and then you were very good to me, really good, and I slowly fell in love with you."
Tan Ruikang sighed and said far away, "Brother, I thought you liked me too."
Tan Ruikang asked, "Why do you think so?"
Yuan Yuan said the text message and looked into Tan Ruikang's eyes, Tan Ruikang said, "Brother thought you were just joking. I didn't expect you to be... No wonder you took me to see Leslie Cheung's movie, you must have felt very sad at that time."
Tan Ruikang reached out and touched Yuan Yuan's head.
Yuan Yuan said, "Why did you delete that text message?"
Tan Ruikang said: "One day I just flipped through it casually. I was afraid that your sister's joke would be deleted. I really didn't think about it that much. Hey."
Tan Ruikang sighed and said, "It's all my fault. If I found out sooner... maybe I could adjust it in time."
Is it useful to find out sooner? Far away doesn't feel at all. Even if he adjusts, he just doesn't like Tan Ruikang anymore, his love for men is still there.
"That's right." Yuan Yuan said, "Don't tell my dad."
"Of course not." Tan Ruikang said, "don't worry, I won't tell him after it's cured."
Yuan Yuan nodded, hugged his knees and sat down beside Tan Ruikang, the little pig ran over and curled up at his feet.
"Brother, have you always regarded yourself as a girl?" Tan Ruikang asked, "Do you have any desire to be a girl in your heart?"
Yuan Yuan shook his head and said, "It shouldn't be."
"You see handsome boys." Tan Ruikang asked, "Will there be... a sexual impulse?"
Yuan Yuan said: "Sometimes there are, but I don't like them."
Tan Ruikang said, "What about girls? Do you want to hug or kiss them? Do you want to protect them?"
Yuan Yuan said: "I don't want to, I don't want to at all. I didn't think much about Dairy Girl... What about you? Do you have such thoughts?"
Tan Ruikang thought for a while, and replied, "Yes, normal men are a little protective, and want other girls... to rely on you and take care of them. To put it a bit exaggerated, I want girls... to worship me, big man thinking, More or less a little bit."
Yuan Yuan glanced at the little pig and touched its head, Tan Ruikang said again: "Brother, you may just have not adjusted your psychological gender. Like this book says, you were hurt in the process of childhood growth. This kind of self-escape and self-isolation on an independent personality, did not complete the most important step towards becoming a man... It was my brother who protected you too well and did not let you accept too many setbacks."
Yuan Yuan smiled and said, "Anyone like you will be tempted."
Tan Ruikang said: "I want to make you happy. You are my younger brother. You are the only goal of my life. My dad and I have little communication and no family... You are very important to my brother."
Yuan Yuan said, "Yeah."
The two were silent for a while, and Yuan Yuan said, "Can I still adjust my sexuality? I also want to be a normal person and want to get married and have children."
Tan Ruikang said: "Yes, I believe you can, don't resist. Recognizing your own psychological problems is the first step to solving the problem."
Yuan Yuan let out a tired sigh and nodded.
"In the past few days." Tan Ruikang said: "You adjust yourself first, adjust your state, and when necessary..."
Yuan Yuan knew what he wanted to say, and said, "Okay, can you consult a psychiatrist?"
Tan Ruikang said, "Can you accept it, Xiaoyuan. I'll go with you, don't be afraid."
Yuan Yuan nodded and said, "Okay, it's really possible."
Yuan Yuan doesn't want to go on like this anymore, he also wants to be a normal person, he doesn't want to be gay, he wants to marry a wife, get married, have children, and let everyone live together and return to a normal track.
Before that, we must expel the love for Tan Ruikang and clear away many unreasonable thoughts.
In the blink of an eye, day and night, Tan Ruikang made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The more he thought about it, the more afraid he became. He didn't want to go, or he would rather go alone, otherwise, in front of Tan Ruikang, he would listen to the psychiatrist to analyze why he became a homosexual. He would feel embarrassed and ashamed.
I went at ten o'clock in the morning, woke up at 8 o'clock in the distance, and kept looking at the time, as if waiting for a judgment that must come.
This psychiatrist is very expensive. Tan Ruikang asked someone to introduce one. He didn't say anything far away, but only said that he needed decompression, consultation and adjustment. His original intention was just to ask how to deal with this kind of thing, so he met with the doctor several times in advance, talked about the distant situation in detail, and consulted his opinion.
In the end, the doctor suggested that we come to see the distant place, and Tan Ruikang went home to ask the distant opinion. Far away nodded and agreed to see. But before he went out, he regretted it again.
Tan Ruikang said, "Brother, let's go."
Yuan Yuan put on his clothes and came out, feeling that he was about to be sentenced to death. The spring was bright, the sun was shining, and it was a bright day. It was said that before death, the death row inmates would notice a lot of beauty that was not usually found. Maybe Yuan Yuan was in the right mood now. It is so. He sat in the passenger seat and waited quietly for the verdict.
The psychiatrist said, "Is your name Xiaoyuan? Your brother told me about you."
Yuan Yuan nodded, Tan Ruikang was a little nervous, the psychiatrist said, "Go and pour him a glass of water."
Tan Ruikang got up to pour the water. The psychiatrist smiled and said, "Xiaoyuan, homosexuality is not a mental illness. Don't be blindly pessimistic. Your psychological burden is a little heavy, so don't be nervous."
"I know." Yuan Yuan knew himself very well. He said to the psychiatrist: "The World Health Organization confirmed in 1992 that homosexuality is no longer a mental disorder. China also excluded homosexuality from the mentally ill group in 2001."
The psychiatrist smiled and said, "You know very well."
Yuan Yuan said, "I've always understood myself before. Let's talk about solutions. What advice can you give me?"
The psychiatrist said, "What about yourself? What do you think about yourself? It doesn't matter, you can say whatever you want."
Tan Ruikang poured a glass of water back, and Yuan Yuan was silent.
He wants to say that although he is gay, his social role is not too painful, the trouble is, the person he falls in love with is his blood-related brother.
He glanced at Tan Ruikang and knew that he could not leave Tan Ruikang no matter what. Like Zhao Guogang, he had become an inseparable part of the distant life. Even if he goes to the ends of the earth, his imprints are all there.
"I want to return to my normal... sexuality." Yuan Yuan said, "I have a headache, I don't know how to like a girl, I also want to get married, my brother, my dad wants me to live a normal life, my dad I don't know anything now."
"When did your feelings for your brother start?" the psychiatrist asked, "Mr. Tan, you... let me think about it."
"It's alright." Yuan Yuan said, "brother, sit down and don't have to go."
"He was very nice to me, I didn't like him at all in the beginning, I thought he was dirty and stupid, but he was by my side at all times, he was really patient, we read together, he was still in the bag I put an iron rod in it for fear of being bullied..."
"... My dad left as soon as he said it, leaving me and my brother to live with each other... "
"... I almost got a trial at university, and maybe I'll be dismissed... "
"... I don't know what I've been thinking all these years. I can't leave him for a moment. When he's by my side, I feel at ease and hope for life. When he's not with me, I feel that no matter what. It doesn't make sense to do anything..."
Yuan Yuan said a lot in one breath, his speech was fast and trembling a little, he was talking, just like Tan Ruikang was not by his side, he was talking to the air by himself.
He poured out the tossing and turning attachments over the years and what he dared not say in his heart, and poured it out all at once. When it came to the end, he gradually understood something. Countless pasts were crushed in his memory and thrown away bit by bit. Go out, and a near-desperate emptiness ensues.
"That's it." Yuan Yuan sighed, his eyes were full of tears, and he felt a lot better in his heart.
That day, Tan Ruikang listened quietly, got up from time to time to pour a glass of water, stood by the window of the room, and stared blankly at the road outside. The psychiatrist didn't say much, and recorded most of the time.
In the end, the psychiatrist asked the distant to make an appointment to come and see in a few days.
Yuan Yuan thinks that he is very good, at least easier than facing Tan Ruikang. He wants to make friends with this psychiatrist, and he will be a private doctor. Anyway, he can afford the money, and the other party feels very reliable.
But when he came out of the corridor and saw many people waiting in line, he realized that he was just one of the countless patients of this doctor, very ordinary, very ordinary. Some of these patients may be depressed, some are manic, some are schizophrenic, some have hysteria, some have obsessive-compulsive disorder, and some want to commit suicide…
I am just a corner of this strange and bizarre society - a gay man who likes his brother. Homosexuality is a big deal for him and Tan Ruikang. For others, at most, it can be exchanged for "Wow, no, there are even such people".