Zheng Ziheng didn't know why he had no one.
The family was panicked, and so was the workplace. How could such an outstanding young talent be single? So Zheng Ziheng, a neighbor from Shibali, spent a year reading all the beautiful things in the world, but couldn't find a suitable one. Finally, after seeing a thousand love letters written to him by his fellow countryman Guo Ciyun, who had been pursuing him since high school, he married her.
A few years later, Zheng Ziheng brought his wife and children to the city, and suddenly lost contact with General Zhao Ming. Soon after, he was sent to other counties alone. Soon after, he took his wife Guo Ciyun and son Zheng Kai away. County, completely cut off contact with Zhao Mingjiang. It was not until he heard that Zhao Mingjiang was in dire straits and was heavily in debt, and they separated from each other in 1989, that they met again.
"How come you haven't contacted each other for so many years?" Lin Wenxi asked with red eyes.
"I don't know." Zheng Ziheng replied sadly, finishing a glass of white wine.
"How old was Brother Kai when you entered the city?" Lin Wenxi suddenly asked a seemingly unrelated question.
"I don't really remember, I must be six or seven years old." Zheng Ziheng seemed to be still immersed in memories and did not answer Lin Wenxi in detail.
Lin Wenxi wanted to continue asking, but suddenly felt that it was meaningless. He thought of something else, blushed a little, and asked hesitantly: "Then... then if you like Uncle Zhao, how did you... give birth to Brother Kai?" .”
Zheng Ziheng was a little surprised. He nodded and said with a smile: "In this era, the younger generations are really open-minded." He also said: "At that time, I was young and had no thoughts about certain aspects. I only knew that it was about that aspect, and I couldn't help myself. . But, in fact, when doing things, what I think about is A Yuan’s father, his smile, his frown..."
Lin Wenxi tilted his head to hide his panic and asked, "What about now?" After saying that, he turned away and secretly looked out the window.
Zheng Ziheng smiled and said nothing, Lin Wenxi felt like a light on his back at the moment.
Lin Wenxi thought of Hongyan and his parents, and he suddenly began to be afraid that one day, he and Zhao Yuan would be like this.
Now he finally met the same person, and this person could transfer his marriage experience and life after marriage to him. Lin Wenxi was so curious that he couldn't help himself.
But the man in front of him, the story just now is exactly the same as Gu Xi's. The difference is that Zhao Mingjiang may not know Zheng Ziheng's thoughts until his death, and Zheng Ziheng may never reveal his feelings to the person he loves in his whole life.
It is unimaginable and unacceptable to love the past so innocently, to carry everything without affecting the life of the lover, but to let this feeling be buried for a lifetime and brought to the loess.
At least Zheng Kai knew Gu Xi's feelings for him. At least because of this feeling, Zheng Kai would pity Gu Xi from time to time and understand Gu Xi. But because of this feeling, Zheng Kai hated Gu Xi and rejected him.
Maybe he is even luckier. Zhao Yuan has some feelings for him. Although Lin Wenxi cannot weigh the weight, he knows that Zhao Yuan also knows that this has become an unbreakable bond between them and an abyss that they cannot cross. Thinking of one thing or another, Lin Wenxi felt uncontrollably uncomfortable. The two emotions intertwined with each other in his heart, and the conflict became more and more fierce. Lin Wenxi could not express his discomfort, and could not overcome his surprise. His face turned white and red for a long time, and it turned into a long sigh. The white wine entered his stomach, making the white wine stir. He stirred up the warmth in his blood to calm his chaotic mind. Gu Xi, on the other hand, was already in tears.
Zheng Ziheng felt like he had gone back in time and was beside himself decades ago, able to see through everything about Lin Wenxi. He persuaded Lin Wenxi to take the second glass of wine and said: "If you don't love a woman, never marry her, it will destroy her."
"You have a child with her, and Brother Kai is so strong, shouldn't you be happy..." Lin Wenxi asked in a low voice.
"Every moment I'm with her, I'm always thinking about another person. As time goes by, she will become suspicious. Gradually, she knows that person is not a woman, but a man." Zheng Ziheng said : "You, please don't become a person like me, harming others and yourself."
"Then what if the person you like happens to like you too?" Lin Wenxi asked.
"Will your parents agree? What will your relatives and friends think of you?" Zheng Ziheng said seriously.
"Then, what do you think about the matter itself? Is it a mental illness or is it caused by blood?" Gu Xi asked.
"I have thought for a long time that I like a man because I am not strong enough. So I have been very strict with Akai since he was a child. He has never acted coquettishly in front of me or his mother. He has learned to use fists to solve problems since he was a child. I He was required to behave like a pure man in everything. I even sent him to the Green Field Military Academy at the age of thirteen and let him live almost alone for six years. Until now, I think he is better than all his peers. They are both sensible and gentlemen, so I feel relieved. It seems that I have chosen the right path." Speaking of this, Zheng Ziheng couldn't help but feel a little proud.
Lin Wenxi felt like she was holding back a wave of anger. She had been strictly controlled by her father since she was a child.
All these things are repeated one by one in front of my eyes. Those past constraints and pains have always made me feel that I have been missing something since I was a child. And this lack can sometimes only be made up for when the memory stays with Fang Fang.
But what kind of life did Zheng Kai live when he was a child? Zheng Kai's image seems to have transformed into that six or seven-year-old child, always rushing in front of him to protect him and love him. Behind him, maybe it is the person who scarred Zheng Kai. Whip, but the person holding the whip is Zheng Ziheng, who thinks he is proud and does not want Zheng Kai to have any thoughts of homosexuality.
Lin Wenxi thought again, no wonder Zheng Kai always thought that he was not manly enough in the past, no wonder Zheng Kai found it difficult to accept the intimacy between boys. Zheng Ziheng must have instilled various thoughts in him since he was a child.
Lin Wenxi clenched his fists tightly, and finally his anger turned into sadness. He choked and asked Zheng Ziheng: "Do you look down on yourself?"
"No," Zheng Ziheng said.
"Then why do you want Zheng Kai to look down on people like you?"
"I'm just afraid that this psychological problem will be contagious, and that he will be affected if he meets the same people as me in the future." Zheng Ziheng explained anxiously.
"Then you think I will infect him, right?" Lin Wenxi asked.
"Are you such a person?" Zheng Ziheng asked.
"You saw Zhao Yuan and I that day." Lin Wenxi said.
"Maybe, I don't know. Anyway, I think A Yuan shouldn't be like this..." Zheng Ziheng muttered to himself.
"Brother Yuan won't do anything"
"Classmate Wenxi, A Yuan should be like Lao Zhao. He won't like someone... He won't like people like us. Moreover, he is Lao Zhao's only son. How could you turn him into such a person? "Zheng Ziheng said, and suddenly realized that he had made a mistake. He was busy explaining, but he didn't know how to explain, so he simply drank another glass of wine.
Lin Wenxi's silence made Zheng Ziheng even more embarrassed.
"No, that's not what I meant. I won't say that to you. I just think, Wen Xi, this feeling is too painful. You know what, it's too uncomfortable. I take care of him and am very happy. But there is no upper limit to human desires. , I have been with him for so long, I have wished more than once that he could hold my hand, more than once I wish he could even kiss me, but when I think of that, it is a kind of blasphemy to him, I don’t deserve it... I don’t deserve it ..." Zheng Ziheng was a little excited, and his face became even redder due to the alcohol.
"Is there anything wrong with such love?" Lin Wenxi's tears rolled down unknowingly and fell into his wine glass. He picked up the wine and drank it, only to feel endless bitterness.
"Yes...is that wrong?" Zheng Ziheng suddenly smiled, shook his head again, and sat slumped on the chair: "Wenxi, you are the only son in the family. Your father has been honest throughout his life and has a reputation for integrity. If your father knew you... . What would he think? People should live their whole lives not just for themselves."
"If I can change, I will definitely change. Is this a choice?" Lin Wenxi asked.
Zheng Ziheng shook his head in pain: "In the days before Mingjiang left, I kept thinking about you and worrying about you. Often, I repeatedly asked A Yuan to save your photos on his phone for him to see, so that he could feel at ease. "
"I can feel it, I can feel his gratitude to my father, and I can feel his expectations, but..." Lin Wenxi couldn't help but burst into tears.
"So, you better not get involved in these things in the future. I also know about you being attacked. Akai protected you and that girl... He did a good job..." Zheng Ziheng explain.
"Thank you. When uncle was alive... I failed to take good care of him. In the future, I will do my best," Lin Wenxi said.
"No, he hopes, and I hope you won't get involved anymore, and let A Yuan handle it alone. He can do it. You also keep some distance from A Yuan. His identity, as far as you are concerned, Too dangerous."
"Thank you uncle for reminding me, I know it well."
Lin Wenxi turned around and left. He really couldn't bear to stay with this poor man anymore. Maybe everyone has the mark of the times, but that man locked himself in the 1970s forever. That youth couldn't help but... In the midst of unknown emotions.
Before going out, Lin Wenxi turned around and asked Zheng Ziheng. His voice was shaking violently, not knowing whether it was due to coldness or excitement: "Uncle Zheng, has Brother Kai cried in the past twenty years?" Lin Wenxi asked. He raised his head and looked into the mist. The sunshine, suddenly felt that no matter how bright the sunshine was, it could not illuminate a certain ruin that would always exist in this world.
Gu Xi burst into tears. He suddenly understood why Zheng Kai, whom he met at Green Field Military Academy, was so taciturn, so rejecting, and disgusted with many things. And the initiator of all this is the person who should be the most able to feel and understand his own pain.
Inside, Zheng Ziheng buried his head on the table and murmured to himself: "I haven't cried... maybe... it will be soon."