In the second half of the summer vacation, Lu Hao still did not contact Chen Xingze.
On the day of the school year, Chen Xingze came to the school with an uneasy mood. He was stunned when he saw Lu Hao at first sight.
"How did you lose so much weight?"
"Yes, I didn't notice."
Chen Xingze tried to joke with him, "Is the American KFC too bad?"
"possible."
In the new semester, Lu Hao and Chen Xingze are still acting together, and they have a tacit understanding that they have not confessed in advance. Although Chen Xingze has been trying his best to pretend to be normal, he still feels that the atmosphere between him and Lu Hao is often embarrassed.
Chen Xingze began to ask Lu Hao to play frequently, hoping this would bring him back to his original state. On the court, although they communicate less than before, their tacit understanding has gone up to a higher level, and their inner thoughts can be understood with just one look.
Chen Xingze was both happy and worried about this.
"Hey!"
Occasionally slipping, Chen Xingze's shoulder was bumped. He turned around and saw a boy in the third class glaring at him angrily.
"You telephone pole, the pestle can't move here! If you don't play, you will end!"
It seemed that he collided when he was returning to the defense. Just as Chen Xingze was about to apologize, a dark shadow suddenly appeared behind him. Lu Hao went up and pushed the boy, and said in a low voice, "Who are you scolding?"
The boy was inexplicable, "What did I scold, what did I scold?"
Seeing that Lu Hao was about to roll up his sleeves, Chen Xingze quickly pulled him back and apologized to him. "I'm sorry, you guys are playing." He pulled Lu Hao to the grape trellis next to him for education. "Did you take gun pills?"
Lu Hao lifted his clothes to wipe the sweat off his face, and said as he should: "No, it's just unpleasant."
"What's wrong?"
"What do you say?"
Chen Xingze sat next to Lu Hao, Lu Hao stopped to wipe his sweat, silence spread, Chen Xingze held his breath to find a topic.
"The vines... grow so lush."
"Um."
"It will be ready to bear grapes soon."
"Um."
"do you want to eat?"
"In no mood."
Chen Xingze had never felt so stupid before.
Perhaps understanding Chen Xingze's entanglement, Lu Hao turned his head and smiled at him. Chen Xingze was dazzled by the smile.
"Why do you cut your hair so short?"
"This." Lu Hao scratched his head. "It was shaved in the United States. It's said to be a soldier's head. Is it handsome?"
"How handsome, like a monk."
"I think it's pretty good and saves trouble." After Lu Hao caught his own, he came to catch Chen Xingze again. "You have long hair, haven't you cut it during the holidays?"
It was originally just an ordinary question, but as soon as Lu Hao's hand touched Chen Xingze's hair, both of them had a subtle feeling in their hearts.
Lu Hao's voice faded, and his hand slowly moved back to hold the back of Chen Xingze's head.
Lu Hao looked at him, and it was a look that Chen Xingze was all too familiar with. Infatuation, madness... Lu Hao is so kind to him, Chen Xingze always sees in Lu Hao how he once pursued You Xiaolin like in the mirror.
Chen Xingze said, "Don't look at me like that."
"I'm sorry." Lu Hao apologized, "I don't want to either, but I'm too stupid to hide things."
Lu Hao's eyes were very red, and Chen Xingze felt that he was to blame for his death.
He kept praying to Lu Hao not to cry, but it didn't work. Lu Hao endured so much that his ears burned, and finally he shed a tear. At the moment when the tears fell, he lowered his head, not wanting Chen Xingze to see it.
Lu Hao buried his head, "I'm sorry, I didn't expect it to be so uncomfortable."
Chen Xingze's psychological defense was about to collapse.
"I really didn't expect that liking someone would be so uncomfortable. It's the first time I've done this." Lu Hao pressed his face with the big hand that could only easily grab a basketball. Because of his patience, the blood vessels on his temples burst out. .
Lu Hao: "Do you remember that I called you once during the holiday?"
Chen Xingze: "Well."
Lu Hao said in a low voice, "Actually, something happened that day. A person died in the surfing area. When the body was fished up, it was already swelled up. It was disgusting, but the family still hugged him tightly. If the person is me, will you feel disgusted when you see my body, or will you hug me."
Chen Xingze was shocked.
Birds flew by in the sky, Chen Xingze suddenly remembered his former self, the one who, after being rejected by You Xiaolin, would rather be killed by the next car in order to test whether the other party would regret it.
Lu Hao said, "I felt sad for a long time after thinking about it, because I didn't think you would hug me."
Chen Xingze's heart was locked.
"Am I so cold-blooded in your heart?"
"right."
Lu Hao raised his head and looked at Chen Xingze with a blushing face, "You are cold-blooded, you are a bastard! You know I miss you, but you haven't contacted me throughout the holiday."
Chen Xingze was speechless.
Lu Hao vented his anger and said, "How can you make me believe that you will hug me? You will only play stupid. You know what I want to say and what I want, but you always go around it. I think of you first in everything. But what about you, I don't mean shit in your heart!"
"Who said that!" Chen Xingze retorted, how could it not be bullshit.
"What is that?" Lu Hao asked, "What am I to you, classmate? Friend?" The more he talked, the more angry he became, but there was no way he could put the fire on Chen Xingze. "I don't want to do any of this! Chen Xingze, are you fucking gay?! Why do I feel like you're fake!"
"… "
He is genuine.
Just because it's genuine, it can't be agreed casually.
It was almost time for class, Chen Xingze handed Lu Hao a package of tissues. He endured the discomfort and coaxed Lu Hao back to the classroom.
Looking at Lu Hao who was getting depressed, Chen Xingze began to lose sleep frequently. He couldn't associate the pain with Lu Hao, this boy who grew up with a golden spoon, he should always be happy.
He remembered what Eileen Chang said, "Because I understand, I am compassionate." Chen Xingze has experienced failure, and he knows what it feels like. He was so tangled that when he really couldn't sleep, he used his mobile phone to browse gay forums, searched for tragic stories about falling in love with straight men, and brainwashed himself over and over again.
One night, he saw a long post, which was a Xiaoshou recording his ten-year experience with a straight man. Like all similar posts, this story also had a dream start. They grew up together without guessing. The straight man made Xiao know Xiaoshou's sexual orientation. Later, under Xiaoshou's hint, the two got together. It's a pity that the good times didn't last long. After three years, they broke up, and Xiao Shou couldn't come out for a long time, but the straight man who was young quickly got married on a blind date.
At the end of the post, Xiaoshou discouraged his peers from falling in love with straight men. "It's destined to be an unfair relationship. It's like you set off on a trip with your family ruined, and he always has a return ticket in his pocket."
After Chen Xingze read the story, he scrolled down the netizens' messages. Someone left a message saying that a straight male colleague in the company liked him and confessed to him. He didn't know if the other party was impulsive and still hesitating. Someone below replied to him, "Only immature gays waste time with straight men." Chen Xingze looked further down, and the floor master replied to the man, "I understand what you're saying, but I can't bear to let him feel sad."
In those days of insomnia, Chen Xingze read countless stories and countless posts, but in fact, only this sentence really entered his heart.
Chen Xingze recited it over and over again, and finally lay flat on the bed and took a long breath.
Human beings are a huge group, and their compassion lies in the fact that no matter what kind of individual, no matter what kind of thinking, there will always be a soulmate somewhere in this world.
People are often like this. As long as they know that they are not fighting alone, they will feel at ease and gain courage.
Chen Xingze sent a text message to Mi Sheng that night.
After the separation, Chen Xingze obeyed Jo's words and did not contact Mi Sheng. Sure enough, it didn't take long for Mi Sheng to call him, with the same attitude as before, as if nothing had happened before.
Mi Sheng can be regarded as Chen Xingze's only friend in the circle. Although his character is a little hard to describe, Chen Xingze still wants to tell him his decision as soon as possible.
- I want to promise Lu Hao's confession.
After he sent it, he was ready to rest, but he didn't expect that Mi Sheng was also a nocturnal creature and didn't sleep most of the night, so he quickly replied.
—You think you can bend him.
- I don't know, but sexual orientation shouldn't be so easy to change.
—What do you mean, just in time
Chen Xingze thought for a while and replied.
- It's okay to say so.
— Well, I wait to see your miserable results.
—It’s okay, I’m mentally prepared, no matter what the outcome is, I can accept it.
For a long time, Mi Sheng did not reply to the message, Chen Xingze lay on the bed, his cheeks sinking into the soft pillow.
Chen Xingze's emotional experience is very thin, so far only You Xiaolin and Lu Hao, he regards them as vital flowers in his life. Back then, You Xiaolin didn't like homosexuality, so he watched from a distance. Now that Lu Hao wanted to be with him, he could agree. Even if he knew that Lu Hao couldn't read gay magazines and videos at all, he couldn't help frowning when he saw the squeamish Zero on the street.
It doesn't matter.
He is willing to be the soil and provide roses, even if it eventually dries up and cracks, it doesn't matter.
Chen Xingze finally sent a message to Mi Sheng.
- I think, if it's time to separate in the future, it shouldn't be too bad. At least I have loved and been loved unreservedly.
Mi Sheng stood on the street at midnight, smelling of alcohol all over.
"Why isn't this driver here yet?" The people beside him scolded and leaned over to Mi Sheng, "What are you looking at, there has been no movement for so long."
Mi Sheng lowered his head and said softly, "Prescription."
"Prescription? What medicine, are you ill?" The man looked at Mi Sheng suspiciously, suddenly took two steps back, and said cautiously, "What's wrong?"
Mi Sheng put away his phone and said with a smile, "Ah, I'm sick, you remember to stay away from me." He turned to walk away, the man caught up with him, and said with a hilarious smile, "It's definitely fine, if something happens, Director Gao won't see you for a long time. ."
Mi Sheng turned back, his slender eyes were full of moonlight, and he used his slender fingers to hold the other's jaw.
The man was a little surprised. He seldom saw Mi Sheng's expression like this. He was serious and confused, hazy and intoxicated, and was beyond beautiful.
Mi Sheng said lightly, "Let me ask you, what do you think love is?"
The man was dumbfounded when asked, "Love? What love, are you in love with me?" He grinned exaggeratedly, "Hey, I love you too, tell me, what do you want?"
Mi Sheng was quiet and said, "I want to be ten years younger."
"what?"
Mi Sheng looked at the man's puzzled face, woke up, and smiled himself. He flicked his shoulder, said inaudibly, "I'm having fun with you", then turned away.