Meet.
look.
Holding hands.
Embrace.
kiss.
Go to bed.
Make love.
Then... start a family.
"Marriage is a product of private ownership. Private property is divided according to the family unit. The family guarantees the stable operation of the social system. Since the concept of 'family' emerged, people have become less 'aggressive' and more inclined to stability."
"Deviant aggression is a form of bestiality in itself."
"Family is like the pot of a potted plant, like the roots of a tree. Its existence also means that people forget their own existence as individuals, and root themselves in the depths of the relationship between two people like a cactus rooted in the bottom of the desert. They regard the goals of the family as their own goals, and correct their own concepts to the concepts of the family, so that 'the wandering heart can be settled', thus achieving the best effect."
Yi Wan opened his eyes. He saw himself standing on an endless snowy plain. Behind him was a safe house with a bonfire. He had a bow and arrow, and the road ahead was unknown.
Someone told him, “Just walk up here.”
But he took the arrow and headed for the unknown. Deep in the snowfield, there might be aurora, lakes, or nothing. Finally, he saw a blue lake. There was a tall man standing next to the lake, and he walked up to that man.
Then he remembered that the man was a Homo sapiens. He was the only Neanderthal left in the world, and was almost exterminated by Homo sapiens.
He drew his bow and drew the string, nervously trying to strike back, but realized that there was nothing on the bowstring. The Homo sapiens reached out to him, and the atrocities against the last Neanderthal in the world were finally about to begin. He was going to die, and this theorem was as iron-clad as evolution and natural selection. Despite the fear, this was the end. Because he remembered that this was how the Neanderthals were exterminated, this was how it was, and he had to accept it. His death was also necessary for the birth of a new century... But the man pressed him to the lake and kissed him.
Yi Wan's eyes widened in fear during the kiss. His eyes were wide open, even wider than when he was scared before being killed. A line of trembling words floated in the sky: "The leader of Homo sapiens fell in love with the last Neanderthal in the world. They formed a family. The war ended. The family made them forget their hatred, and the world lived a good life."
that's all
Is just one family enough to reconcile people with all their misfits
Yi Wan looked down at himself. He suddenly realized that he was not a Neanderthal, but a giraffe. The giraffe's long neck was raised by circles of silver rings. People looked at him and pointed at him. The fruit he wanted to eat was at the top. But he couldn't stretch any further. He stood there until he died.
…
Yi Wan woke up from a nightmare. When he woke up, he found that he was sweating all over. Yu Rongshi was sitting on the bed beside him, smoking a cigarette, his face flickering in the light of the flame.
He felt that Yu Rong's expression at this moment was different from usual, a little complicated, a little gloomy, as if another version of him had awakened in his body.
"Awake?" Yu Rongshi said, putting out the cigarette butt beside him. Yi Wan stared at him intently and said, "... You don't usually smoke."
"Yeah. Did the smell stink you?" Yu Rongshi said.
Yi Wan said: "No."
He leaned his face against Yu Rongshi's fingers, which smelled faintly of tobacco, and fell asleep. Yi Wan had applied for a ten-day vacation, and Yu Rongshi had also applied for annual leave. This was the seventh day of the vacation. He had done nothing for the past five days, but just stayed at home with Yu Rongshi.
The air conditioner is always on in the house. These days, when Yu Rongshi was making breakfast, he would just wear one of her shirts and sit on the bar stool in a daze. Then they would watch TV in the living room, and then they would start making it, or they would do it in bed. Yi Wan's lips became very red and plump. It was not easy to squeeze out this little color from his body, like a flower blooming in the snow.
No need to think about the past, no need to think about the future, no need to think about whether what you are doing now is meaningful, no need to think about how the life you have worked hard for compares to others, and what others are doing. No need to look for the thread of possibility in the barren snowfield without any clues, and think about what you will become in forty years if you continue like this.
I have never been so addicted to sensory experiences. Very happy.
But today Yu Rongshi was a little different. Yi Wan closed his eyes and took a short nap, then woke up again. It was snowing outside the window, and Yi Wan said, "Today is December 22nd. I'm so cold."
The room was clearly heated sufficiently.
"Wait six months," Yu Rongshi said. "Wait six months, and summer will come. The warm season will come. We will find it."
Yi Wan said: "...It's warm now too."
He leaned into the other's arms.
Yu Rongshi didn't say anything. He also lowered his eyes and played with Yu Rongshi's fingers. Finally, he heard the man say, "Do you like the food I cook?"
"like."
"Do you like me taking care of your life?"
"like."
"Do you like my taste in choosing clothes for you?"
"like."
"Do you think my... technique is okay?"
"Um."
Yi Wan was surprisingly frank in this regard. He never beat around the bush. So he heard the man's next question: "So do you want to go with me?"
"Where are you going?"
"The company sent me to develop business overseas. It's time for us to set up branches overseas." Yu Rongshi said, "Your laboratory has some confidentiality agreements. You may not be able to do what you are doing now. But you can do other things, and we will continue to live happily like we do now."
"… "
"We'll have a house with two garages, a front yard and a back yard. I'll plant flowers in the front yard, put up holly wreaths and deer at Christmas, and put a deck chair in the backyard where we can look at the stars. We'll also have a puppy that you'll love. We'll go to the beach in the summer and ski in the winter. We'll have a bonfire at home at night, just the two of us. Since you don't like crowds, no one will come to disturb you," he said.
"… "
Yi Wan didn't say anything.
His finger was lifted up, and Yu Rongshi picked up a ring from the bedside. The diamond was like his eyes. He said, “Yi Wan, would you like to wear my ring?”
Wear my ring. Make our family.
Spend the spring together, spend the summer together, spend the autumn together, spend the winter together. Take our life together as the new goal of life. Reconcile with yourself, your ideals and nightmares, enjoy life, use your ideals as the embellishment of life, and let family be your "line", just like every mature person.
But the ring got stuck on Yi Wan's knuckles.
Yi Wan bent his knuckles to prevent the ring from being put on all the way. He didn't say anything, but his knuckles were faintly resisting... At the same time, he found that Yu Rongshi's strength was very strong.
It was so unreasonable that it felt like a confrontation.
Yu Rongshi lowered her eyes and didn't look at him: "Do you love me, Yi Wan?"
"I love you the most out of everyone." Yi Wan said, "I just... it's not a question of whether I love you or not."
"What kind of problem would that be?"
"Is that kind of life happy? If my current life is going to be destroyed, then that kind of life is also easily destroyed. I can think of dozens of reasons why it will be destroyed. Unemployment, economic crisis, export controls, conflicts between countries and races." Yi Wan said, "Every world has its own troubles."
"But I will always love you."
Yi Wan was silent.
"Then where do you think the answer to happiness lies? This kind of life doesn't work, and that kind of life doesn't work either. Where are you going to find it?" Yu Rongshi said, "Yi Wan, there is no absolute freedom in this world. No one can give you absolute freedom, not even God."
Yi Wan was silent again.
He finally said, "Have you ever seen a giraffe? You remind me of a giraffe."
Yu Rongshi stopped talking.
Finally, he left the ring on Yi Wan's upper knuckle and said softly, "Yi Wan. Yang Huan left you a voice message. He said he went to the college to look for you, but didn't find you. He will be in the office this afternoon. If you are free, you can go to see him."
Yi Wan nodded, as if he had expected it.
He still wore the white down jacket and the avocado green scarf. It was the first time he had gone out in a few days. Yu Rongshi stood behind him and said in a somewhat tired tone:
"Yi Wan, you are actually very tired... Actually, you are just very tired. There is nothing wrong with you. Everyone wants to escape sometimes. You are already very great."
“… But does anyone really have the energy to spend their entire lives in winter chasing after a summer that may never come in the future?” he said. “If God had not stopped here, this place would have been doomed to be an ice age.”
Yi Wan paused as he held the door handle. He said, "I'll be back."
He pressed the elevator button. Yu Rongshi was standing at the door. As the elevator door opened, he said the last words:
“This is inhumane.”
What he wanted to express was that Yi Wan said that he wanted to pursue freedom, but in fact he was pursuing the pain of not being protected by anyone.
This is all Yi Wan thinks about human nature.
Human society has order. Man has changed from "beast" to "human". Abandoning the rules of society and complying with one's own desire for uncertainty, in a sense, is it considered to be succumbing to one's animal nature and choosing to go against human nature
and.
The future that Yu Rongshi described was like the scene in a picture magazine. Blue sky, white clouds, green grass, and red flowers. He and Yi Wan stood there, just like a perfect couple in a primary school student's painting.
For Yu Rongshi, the person next to him in the painting must be Yi Wan.
But for other people in this world, it doesn’t matter who that person is. Government officials don’t care who lives in that gatehouse, just like the German army dropped drugs on random houses in London during World War II; capitalists don’t care who lives in that gatehouse, even if they use various AI algorithms to collect data, judge everyone’s preferences, and accurately place advertisements - it seems that they are accurately analyzing everyone, but in fact they just need them to pay money, which is the same for everyone.
Look, human nature has never changed randomly since ancient times. Just like those elementary school classmates, if the person sitting on the seat was not Yi Wan, but another child with some defects or even no defects, they might also bully him/her in the same way as Yi Wan. It has nothing to do with who Yi Wan is or what Yi Wan did.
But what about Yi Wan
As long as that person is himself, he cannot do that, because everything is necessary.
His experiences are as important to him as his own unique and incomparable self.
Yi Wan suddenly felt a shock all over his body. Why did he feel that he had no way to decide for himself and say no to anything from his own perspective
Why can his decision only be an objective reference option for all things, and not a decisive option
Why…
What is he afraid of
What is restraining him and preventing him from being free
Why... is he so unwilling
What is this world like
What will I become? What am I now? What do I want to be
A tiny spark ignited.
In the consultation room, Yang Huan looked at Yi Wan who remained silent, and finished the second half of his sentence: "…Take it three times a day, one tablet at a time."
"Yeah." Yi Wan finally spoke.
Yang Huan said: "Regarding your symptoms..."
He wanted to give more instructions, but Yi Wan said, "Actually, I... know my symptoms very well."
It's always been clear.
Yang Huan was stunned. He felt that Yi Wan had changed in some way—a change that frightened him and even forced him to back down. He could only whisper, "Okay."
"Generally speaking, the symptoms will be relieved after three days of taking the medicine. But will you take it?" Yang Huan said.
Yi Wan looked at him and said, "Yes, I can eat."
But, it was because of his own needs.
At noon on December 22nd.
Yi Wan left Yang Huan's office building. He did not go home or call anyone. He ordered a bowl of rice noodles in the restaurant downstairs. After eating carefully, he looked at his own reflection on the glass of the restaurant for the first time and repeatedly.
Too pale skin, dull expression, and eyes that always seem confused and yet curious.
“So this is what I look like,” he thought.
He tried to make a few expressions of his own on the glass. Yi Wan's sadness, Yi Wan's anger, Yi Wan's joy, and Yi Wan's expression as if he needed others to help him. For the whole afternoon, he stared at his ever-changing shadow. Some people walked by the corner of the street, and some looked at him with confusion or disgust, but Yi Wan seemed to be oblivious to it.
"Is this me?"
There were also girls who walked up to the window and chatted with him: "Little brother, I have been watching you for a long time. You are so cute, can you give me your WeChat?"
Yi Wan did not respond to this. After the girl left, he looked into the mirror.
Son, swallowed the first pill.
The first pill had little effect.
It was a while before dinner. Yi Wan went to another place, and then he returned to his office in the laboratory building. On his way back, he sent an email.
—To the big boss, he should be in school today too.
The end of the year is approaching, and students are all busy and restless. A rich second-generation graduate student was playing games in the office. When he saw Yi Wan coming, he immediately came up to him and asked, "What are you going to do, senior?"
"I'm looking for all my research materials from the past few years," Yi Wan said, "my archives, my publications, all my papers, all my transcripts."
The graduate student didn't understand why, but he still helped Yi Wan find it. Finally, Yi Wan put all his things into his office. His office was very small, and most people couldn't stand such a small office and wanted to change to a bigger one, but Yi Wan didn't notice it at all - this was completely different from his usual unawareness. Yi Wan didn't realize the smallness of this office. He was immersed in his own world of thought, and he would fall down when walking on the road, and he always didn't pay attention to the material world. But today, he noticed it, but found that he still didn't care.
Even though he had realized the narrowness of the door of this room in the material world, Yi Wan didn't care about it, because it didn't affect any of Yi Wan's real needs.
It is something that can be discarded at will, because he doesn't really need it.
“This study is from xxxx. What did it give me… What did I need and feel when I did it…”
"This one is from xxxx. Why did I do it?"
“This experience… who participated in it and how it shaped who I am today.”
Those were some seemingly unrelated fragments of events that kept appearing in Yi Wan's life.
But Yi Wan thought.
Without his participation, these experiences would not be what they are.
Nuwa created humans out of clay.
"Sometimes humans are much more powerful than Nuwa." A thought suddenly appeared in his mind, "Because we are clay dolls, but we can also mold ourselves."
Even if it was just a tiny spark at first. Even if it was just a tiny spark at first, it was still stuck in the mold.
But how can he say that he is no different from the people around him
—At least, in his own eyes.
The graduate student was always looking outside Yi Wan's door. This was the first time he had seen Yi Wan like this. He was really unpredictable. He watched Yi Wan spend the whole day flipping through all those things, and finally staring at the sky in a daze. He heard Yi Wan whisper, "So that's how it is..."
“So that’s who I am.”
postgraduate:
Yi Wan collected the information in the order of the time gate. He closed his eyes and gradually understood himself and sorted out his life in his heart. Everything covered in fog turned out to be so exquisite, just like a Markov chain. Even if it seemed that there was no probability connection at first...
But little by little, they formed his entire life.
Just like if you don't experience event A, you won't have thought B, and if you don't have thought B, event D won't be triggered in event C - a time gate, the world is connected into a huge network. There is no one else in the center of the network, only him.
At every time gate period and every time gate point, Yi Wan feels like he is walking in a four-dimensional space gate, connected to himself at every moment.
And those lines of resumes are not meant for anyone in society to judge you based on them.
Instead, witness it line by line... and regard it as an outline for understanding your entire life.
"I've been through so much in my life, and I've been through so many things. I can't finish thinking about them even if I spend an afternoon thinking about them... It's so strange, why have I never seen myself this way?"
The resume line by line was reflected in his eyes. Yi Wan swallowed the second pill with water and expressionless face.
"Senior." The graduate student called him, "The big boss is here."
Yi Wan sat opposite the big boss.
Sitting opposite him was a Chinese cabbage. The cabbage looked at him with a long beard. Yi Wan said, "I would like to accept part of your proposal... but I still want to continue doing that research."
Dabaicai said: "This will make you lose a lot of opportunities and praise."
"But there is a reader I want to show it to."
"Your lover?" Dabaicai thought he understood. "He is a very good reader. Before seeing this achievement, he has come a long way, experienced a lot, and created many miracles. He survived school violence, learned other people's expressions, survived the college entrance examination, insisted on himself in college, was very serious about every job, and has such a high degree. I think being recognized by such a reader is the most proud thing in the world." Yi Wan said, "His name is Yi Wan."
It's him.
Dabaicai was stunned. Soon, his eyes became moist... An old man appeared in Yi Wan's sight. The old man seemed to remember himself, or someone else, and had completely understood why Yi Wan said that.
He then said, “You may regret this.”
"I can't imagine why I should succumb to other mediocre or indifferent readers and not be very satisfied with such an excellent reader who always pays attention to me, loves me the most, respects me." Yi Wan said, "In my judgment standard, he is always the best."
"It's hard not to be influenced by the crowd," said the old man.
"Then stay away from people. As long as you realize... you have no desire or need to gain anything from them."
"But when people are alive, they always want to chase the summer with flowers in full bloom."
There is no them at this moment, only me.
It was as if he suddenly realized something that he had never discovered because he had never cared about himself.
Even if he was out of tune with the world and suffered setbacks, he was still proud of himself. As long as he thought of himself over the past twenty years... he would never feel cold.
—Very, very.
Because he has lived an amazing and unique life for himself.
Apart from this world, he could begin to look forward to himself.
Yi Wan walked out of the laboratory building. It was eleven o'clock in the evening. He swallowed the last pill of the day with hot milk.
He suddenly remembered a sentence from "Summer Collection".
“In the dead of winter, I finally learned that there was an unconquerable summer in me.”
The summer he had been looking for turned out to be in his body.
Yi Wan returned to the apartment. It was dark and no one was inside. It seemed that after he returned to school, Yu Rongshi also left.
Yi Wan lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling in a daze for a long, long time, until sleepiness came over him, and finally, he felt the warm embrace.
"Back?" he said.
"I'm back." Yu Rongshi said.
Yi Wan closed his eyes and whispered, "I've finished my school work."
"Yeah."
Said, “You’ve always been great.”
Yi Wan closed his eyes and buried himself in the embrace that made him feel at ease, as usual. Before the sky turned pale, he said, "Let's wait."
"Um."
"After daybreak, accompany me to my home."
After dawn, Yi Wan took the fourth pill.
…
December 23rd.
"He's very angry." Yu Rongshi said, "Don't you want to say something to him?"
From upstairs came the sounds of an elderly man shouting, things being thrown, and a woman trying to dissuade him... Yi Wan just stood by the stairs, and the elderly ladies and uncles passing by looked at him and pointed at him.
But he was wearing a white coat and a green scarf, and his face was as expressionless as a small pine tree in the Greater Khingan Range.
"No need." Yi Wan said, "I have already given him my contract. I don't need anything he owns. I also suggested to him that if Aunt Lu takes care of him for the rest of his life, he might as well leave the house to her."
Yu Rongshi said: "This is really..."
"I don't need anything from him. So, I don't have to bear any responsibility or constraints brought by his emotions." Yi Wan said, "As for those uncles and aunts... I don't want to please them either."
It's not that it's not needed.
I don’t want to.
Yu Rongshi said: "He just said that he would leave the money to you and you can publish it at your own expense."
Yi Wan said: "Well. There will always be a way in the future. Even if there is no way, it doesn't matter."
Yu Rongshi hugged him on the busy street and whispered, "Congratulations, you are free again."
Yi Wan lowered his eyes and said, "Go with me."
In front of Yu Rongshi, he took the fifth pill.
They arrived at the next place in the afternoon.
The aunt and her family still live in the old building, waiting for demolition. As time goes by, the aunt's complaints and resentment about Yi Wan's "lack of ambition" have turned into concerns about Yi Wan's current situation. She said: "In terms of career... at least find a way to get a regular job. Then, at least find someone who can always take care of you."
She asked her cousin not to disturb Yi Wan. Yi Wan's house was too small, and the apartment was left by his grandmother before she passed away. Yi Wan was busy, so there was no reason for his cousin to come and disturb him.
After leaving his aunt's house, Yi Wan remained silent. When Yu Rongshi asked him, Yi Wan said, "I didn't expect... the time gate can really change a lot. Sometimes, after doing something, you find that it is not as difficult as you imagined before."
Yu Rongshi said: "But it's still very sad."
"If you want to receive her warmth, you must first be prepared to receive her tears." Yi Wan said, "Even so... I have no other choice."
I know who I am.
Moreover, I don’t plan to change it.
Yu Rongshi said: "People who truly love you will understand you."
Only then did Yi Wan's fingers tremble, and he whispered, "I hope so."
He put the sixth pill in his pocket, holding it between his fingers. Yi Wan and Yu Rongshi walked along the river under the setting sun. As they walked, Yu Rongshi said, "Do you remember? When we were little, I often held your hand and took you here."
The fingers holding the medicine loosened.
Yi Wan stretched out his right hand, and Yu Rongshi turned around and smiled at him. The two of them walked slowly along the river bank, hand in hand, just like when they were little.
"Do you have any stories you want to tell me today?" Yu Rongshi asked him just like he asked Yi Wan when they were children.
"I… "
My palms are sweating.
"Why did you suddenly change your mind so much?" Yu Rongshi asked him casually.
Yi Wan was silent.
The river was glittering with light. From afar, I could see Yi Wan's primary school, where children wearing red scarves walked out. Some were in groups of three or five, some were isolated and withdrawn, and perhaps some were suffering from the same bullying as Yi Wan. All of this happened constantly, just like normal.
Just like in junior high school, high school... every episode keeps happening.
"I didn't realize it before... I was in pain. I just couldn't understand or sort out those feelings, but I was still a human being and could feel them," Yi Wan said.
"Um."
"I often wonder why I am in pain. I once thought that it was because people are like this."
"Um."
They walked through Yi Wan's middle school, and there were still fashionable kids and simple kids walking out, and there were windows of senior high school students in the teaching building that lit up like stars. Yi Wan said, "Later, I thought, losing money would make me miserable because I cared about money. Being out of tune in the class would make me miserable because I wanted to fit in. Studying in high school made me miserable because I had to pass the college entrance examination to gain the initial freedom."
"But those are all human nature. They are part of human nature and are destined to be experienced and cannot be stopped." Yu Rongshi said, "Most people don't have the special talent to skip this part."
"Life always involves a certain amount of pain. Just like the Black Death, World War I, World War II... People living in different eras will experience different pains. Because the overall situation is difficult to influence, because that is the 'theme of the times'. Perhaps these experiences of ours are also the themes that our generation is destined to accept." Yi Wan said, "But they eventually became my nourishment. Even if they will never bear fruit, they have long been a part of my life."
It's also something that pleases me, a part of me.
"Money, social circles, and recognition from others seem to be very important. But if you think about it carefully, it doesn't matter if you don't have them." Yi Wan said, "People hide both summer and cages. I used to think that people need to get enough things before they can be free."
"Um?"
"It's like a cumulative recharge reward. A high enough status means that people cannot be dominated by others. Enough money, enough talent to be arrogant. We keep moving up, getting points, and wanting to pursue the freedom we want... until I suddenly realized that I had to give up." Yi Wan said, "What really determines whether I am free... is what I dare to give up. I am not free enough because I don't dare to give up enough."
If I give up the praise of others, I will not be affected by their disgust.
If I dare to give up my superiority, I will not be defeated by the anxiety of running.
I dared to give up the golden, diamond-studded, glittering life that belonged to the chosen ones... Only then did I truly gain the freedom of being a chosen one.
I rejected everything because I realized the cause of the disease and could heal it myself.
Finally, it was dark.
They finally stopped at the door of an abandoned library.
Through the dirty glass, they could still see the reading room where Yi Wan used to sit and read. Yu Rongshi said, "It's so fast. Twenty years have passed in a flash."
Yi Wan pursed her lips and said nothing.
Through the glass... He seemed to see the weird child sitting there, silently reading his favorite book. He lay on the table, and as long as he opened his eyes, he could see Yu Rongshi.
He let go of her hand as he stood there. He put his hands in his pockets, twisting the sixth pill... and still hesitated.
Until a box of hot milk was handed to him.
"There's a vending machine next to it." Yu Rongshi looked at him gently, "Drink it. You need to take medicine, don't you?"
He was silent, always silent. Under the sunset, by the river, when Yi Wan talked about his freedom, his giving up... But now, he still took the initiative to buy milk for him. It was as if he saw through his hesitation and anxiety.
"… "
And he looked at him as if he wanted to keep him in his mind forever.