Everything seems to be just yesterday.
It didn't seem like it took the young Qin Jue too long to go from not understanding why he couldn't like his brother who was one year older than him in the studio to realizing that he was a disgusting monster.
After his parents divorced, the court awarded the young Qin Jue to his mother. To this, his father didn't seem to have much objection.
After all, for him, children are nothing more than a sign that he fulfills his father's last wishes and is worthy of his ancestors. It would be best for him to have a woman to help him give birth and to be at ease with his lover. When he has had enough promiscuity and the child will probably grow up, the person sitting in the high hall to receive the daughter-in-law’s cup of tea at the wedding will still be him
His ruthlessness does not even require paying any price. Even if a woman can escape her marriage to him, no one can escape the blood relationship between father and son.
Qin Jue's mother, on the other hand, has always been a pitiable person in the eyes of others.
Her first husband almost beat her to death several times, but she managed to escape and married a decent second husband, but for some unknown reason, she was abandoned again.
She didn't tell anyone why, she just stayed silent day after day.
—And when she learned that her child was different from ordinary children, she just frantically wanted to cure his disease so that he would not become a different person like his father.
Many years later, Qin Jue recalled the past and finally understood that his mother might have noticed something was wrong with his father a long time ago, so she told Qin Jue that he should not look up to and worship his father, and should not study painting as well. You can choose one of martial arts, football, etc. as your hobby, because that's what boys "should" like.
The more handsome he grew, the more his mother told him that as a boy, he must be rough, hard, and strong, not delicate, soft, and fragile.
Even though the marriage between mother and father later broke up, they had one thing in common: a normal man must marry a woman and have children, otherwise, your life will be over.
So from then on, Qin Jue often saw his mother's red eyes and heard her suddenly yelling out of control. Even if he was just eating an ordinary meal, his mother might knock off his chopsticks and push his head back on the chair. I bumped into him and asked him like a collapse why he was disobedient and why he liked boys
He was often frightened and could only cry as his tears kept falling. His brother continued to drink soup with his eyes lowered, as calm as if he could not hear the noise around him at all.
When he was young, his figure was not superior to that of most people of the same sex as he is now. Instead, he grew slowly. With his small face and nose, he stood out among his peers. When his enthusiastic neighbor aunts praised him, they often said he was so good-looking. Like a little girl.
Yes, he was supposed to be a very lovable little boy, but his mother seemed to be extremely afraid of such comments, and soon handed over the increasingly uncontrollable situation to science to solve.
—The little Qin Jue didn’t even understand what kind of disease he had, so he became the treatment target of the “miraculous doctor” sent by his mother.
The adults used both hard and soft methods of corporal punishment, confinement, and psychological counseling in order to gain his health.
They always like to ask him if he still likes Brother Feiran very much. At first, he sobbed blankly and said that he did, but the countless beatings and the dark room that frightened him finally had an effect, and he began to know how to admit his mistake with a twitching and sore throat. , please forgive me.
After several courses of treatment, his condition gradually improved, and he never took the initiative to go to the studio to find anyone again. When a boy named Chen Feiran came to him and asked him, "Why don't you play with me anymore?", he could only wipe away the warmth from the corners of his eyes with joy and fear. He wanted to take the candy from the other party, but he could only Can quickly run away shaking his head.
However, the other party was much more stubborn than him. One time, when his mother did not come to pick him up in advance, she found him again and asked: "Have you forgotten that we all kissed on the face? Why are you ignoring me? Can't we play together?" "
The grievances in Qin Jue's heart suddenly burst out. He couldn't help lowering his head and sobbing for a while before showing him the bruises on his arms: "If I play with brother Feiran... they will beat me."
Chen Feiran tilted his head and asked, "Who are they?"
Qin Jue hesitated to speak. Tears rolled down his only intact cheek and he said, "...my mother."
So in just a moment, the other party opened his equally immature lips, and soon grabbed his wrist angrily and wanted to take him to an adult for argument.
The moment their skin came into contact, Qin Jue's whole body was shocked as if he was electrocuted, and he instinctively wanted to withdraw his hand. As soon as they turned the corner of the corridor, they met his brother who had come to pick up Qin Jue from school.
Qin Jue shook Chen Feiran's hand away in fear, but the other party was not afraid at all. Even though he was dozens of centimeters shorter than the half-sized boy at the corner, he walked forward, raised his head and said, "Brother Lu Yang, Qin Jue You were bullied, don’t you know?”
His cheeks were bulging with anger, but Lu Yang lowered his head and glanced at him, forcefully opened his hand holding Qin Jue, pulled Qin Jue over, and replied: "I know."
Qin Jue's wrist was so pinched that it hurt, but when he staggered around and left with his brother, he still begged his brother in fear not to tell his mother, but he couldn't help but look back at Chen Feiran.
As the sun sets in the west, the sunset glows like a fire. Many years later, Qin Jue has grown into a 1.84-meter-long young man with rough behavior. He no longer remembers the appearance of that little boy, but he still seems to still remember the young boy. At that moment, I felt overwhelmed by pain and despair.
He tried hard to cooperate with the treatment and tried his best to make changes, but everything seemed to be in vain. He found that he still couldn't look at the most beautiful little girl in the class. Only when he faced the little boy he liked, he would be happy and just wanted to be with him. The other party holds hands and buys candies together.
But even the last piece of candy in his hand was quickly knocked away by someone, who even stepped on it a few times, leaving only dirty dirt marks, which he was not allowed to pick up.
***
It all happened on an unbearably hot summer day, when the weather in the north rarely reached 35 degrees. Qin Jue squatted alone in the corner of the factory building in the old courtyard, observing a small flower blooming from a gap in the wall.
He held some soil in his hands, fetched half a bucket of water, and carefully took care of the bright color that appeared here.
Since he stopped playing with other little boys, he often played here alone with sticks and mud. When he saw flowers in the dark place, he was so happy that he even lost the stick and just wanted to let go. It grows stronger.
However, he was only halfway through the project when a small head poked out of the open rolling shutter door, smacking his lips and calling to him: "Qin Jue, Qin Jue, I brought you ice cream."
Qin Jue turned around and saw Chen Feiran shaking the chocolate snowman in his hand and looking at him with a smile.
Qin Jue's hand covering the mud froze, but his face couldn't stop turning red.
Soon, the joy in his heart overshadowed the fear - when he took the popsicle from Chen Feiran's hand later, although he lowered his head and did not dare to look at the other person, he still said: "Thank you, brother Feiran."
He once thought that even if his childhood was so long that it seemed like it would never end, it would be good to spend one more second with his brother Feiran.
It was just that dull summer day, but the little flowers at the base of the wall were still trampled to death. Just as he was trying to go home with the bare stick in his mouth, his brother Lu Yang led a few people and surrounded him and Chen Feiran at the door.
Perhaps no one in the world can tell where the unity and hostility between young and innocent little boys come from. Anyway, as soon as Lu Yang opened his mouth, the group of older children restrained Qin Jue and Chen Feiran and took off their pants.
The hot and dull summer air pressed against the abandoned factory building. As soon as the frightened Qin Jue felt a gust of cool wind blowing across the skin of his legs, jeers rang out from around him.
Such as "It's so disgusting when a man likes a man", "It's so disgusting that Qin Jue wants to be a girl", "It's really disgusting that Qin Jue wants to give birth to a child for Chen Feiran" - all these words ended in disgust and exploded. In Qin Jue's ear, he was so anxious that his eyes turned red, and he desperately wanted to refute.
However, his voice alone could not cover up the voices of a group of them. Soon they stuck out their tongues in front of him, forced him to press on Chen Feiran, and asked them to imitate the postures between men and women.
In an instant, the sticky feeling of skin in midsummer burst into Qin Jue's mind.
He was completely stunned, and felt boundless fear rising in his heart. A circle of harsher ridicules suddenly surged around him, causing his throat to begin to emit chaotic and unconscious childish cries - but this seemed to make them even more... Suyi, the force pressing him became stronger again.
Then, Lu Yang crushed the flowers in the corner.
Under the setting sun, he faced the panic and helpless cries of two boys who were a few years younger than him, but there was no warmth in his young eyes. Instead, he took advantage of the hot wind and said to his companions - "Did you see that?" , this is called homosexuality, it’s disgusting.”
At that time, the cicadas chirped one after another, and the fallen buckets made a mess in the surrounding soil. Qin Jue also forgot how long he was pressed on Chen Feiran's legs by the group of people before he was let go. He only remembered that the nauseating feeling was indeed rising in his throat.
Before that, he thought he just wanted to hold hands and eat ice cream with the boy he loved, but after that, he found out for the first time from his brother that it was disgusting for him to be like this, that he was gay.
After all, even he felt queasy.
The setting sun at that time shone on the remains of the plant, and it seemed that his still beating heart had lost any vitality, and he didn't know if he had become numb from pain since then.
***
That incident was quite a big deal, and Qin Jue never saw his brother Feiran again. As soon as the long summer vacation was over, he heard that the Chen family had moved away with their son who was unwilling to eat or drink for several days.
He seemed to be the source of all misfortunes, and everything around him began to change dramatically.
The mother went through two extremely failed marriages, and her two sons inherited the violence and disgusting sexual orientation of her two husbands respectively. She was finally discouraged and chose to marry far away.
This was her third marriage, and she felt that it would be good if she could find a man. But the man didn't let her bring the oil bottle there, so she naturally threw her two children to the old man.
In the years that followed, she learned that her younger son had been bullied to the point of being disfigured, that her eldest son had gradually become uneducated and was in prison, and that the old man was seriously ill. However, she had already given birth to a new child, and her husband was still treating her well. Yes, so it is absolutely impossible for her to give up her current life.
During those years, Qin Jue gradually grew up, and only saw his mother once at the old man's funeral - everything seemed like a lifetime ago, the other party was a little older, and after kowtowing a few times, he hurriedly wanted to leave.
At that time, Qin Jue stood in the corner and watched her talking to several brothers and sisters. Even though he didn't receive any questioning or concerned glances from her during the whole process, his eyes were still red.
Until that moment, he seemed to be willing to admit that he had actually been given up by his mother over the years, and she refused even if she wanted to beat him and take him for treatment.
The scar on the side of his face seemed to be aching, making him unable to tighten his trembling fists, and preventing him from telling his mother any of his fears.
He still remembered that before his brother was imprisoned, his smile and voice were cold and confident - he said, Xiaojue, you must wait for me to come out to find you.
Counting the time, it's not far away from my brother's release from prison.
He was fifteen or sixteen years old at that time, and all his close relatives were still alive, but he seemed to be alone. When his mother turned to leave, she gave a reason that no one could refute: the children at home were still young, and there was no one around. Can't take care of it.
The voice was clearly imprinted on Qin Jue's heart, and he finally squatted down from the corner weakly, burying his face in his knees. He couldn't even step forward to tell her, "Mom, look, I'm already 1.8 meters tall now. I know how to do it." Skipping classes and fighting, playing games and swearing at people, I am the rough man you want.
The world is so big, but he doesn't have a corner that belongs to him. He couldn't bear to leave his hometown, and all the past that had hurt him here, but in the dim light at the funeral, he closed his eyes tightly, knowing helplessly that he had to leave.