October 27, 201X
Wait for a summer: Xia Tian once wrote a sentence on the title page of the book - if you repeatedly let yourself forget something, but still brood over it, then you might as well accept it and tell yourself that you can't forget it, that's all That's all.
I once thought about giving up and liking summer, but I would think of her when I turned the pages of the book, when I was sleepless in the middle of the night, even when I was eating and walking, I would think of her, I knew I should forget her, And repeatedly stressed to myself, but the result was unsatisfactory, so I began to let myself go, I admitted to myself that I couldn't forget her, it was much easier than I imagined.
In the past few years away from Xia Tian, I have thought about breaking into her life regardless and destroying her life, even if there will not be a good ending between us, even if she will hate me because of it. I even hope that she will have an imperfect love, an unhappy marriage, so that after many years, I can walk in front of her and pretend to have the same experience as her, so maybe she will no longer care about the relationship between us gap.
Such thoughts are really bad, but I can't restrain myself from thinking about them. It's not that I haven't met someone who loves me intensely, it's just that I am waiting with such a mood, and I really can't love others. I imagined that if I had a lover, and Xia Tian suddenly needed me, then I would go to Xia Tian without hesitation, even if it was just a resting place. So I will be the worst lover, all my emotions are only on a woman named Xia Tian, at least for now, I can't love others.
I asked myself, how much do I care about her? I will repeatedly read the text messages she sent me, pretend to inquire about her news casually, and search for her clues on the Internet. Whenever I get a little information about her, it can make me feel better. God, but I don't think about who she loved, who she's with now, I pretend she's just a person, because I can't think about those things, it will suffocate me.
I write these words here today, not because I need to share anything with others or ask for opinions, but Xia Tian once told me that if you have complicated thoughts, you might as well write something on paper, which can help you sort out your own thoughts. thoughts. Many words and thoughts she said have always affected me, and I always think of them from time to time.
My thoughts are messed up now, and I need to write something to recognize myself. There is a good opportunity in front of me now, I don't know if I should approach her, if she is willing to accept me, I think this is the best ending, if not, I am worried that I will hurt her.
I've always been a bad person, and I told her a lot of lies that made people who really loved her feel like strangers to her. Xia Tian should have been doted on all the time, but I cut off the love she should have. I don't know if it is because of me that no one has been able to enter her life these years.
She is still alone, which is really good news to me.
I think I have to make a choice, whether I withdraw or he withdraws.
But no matter which one of us quits, the other will never get another chance.
In this way, it seems that I have no choice, and it is really impossible to give up on her.
There are very few words in Weibo posted by Xia Tian, Jian Mingxia only found a few with words.
November 23, 201X
Wait for a summer: the summer I love, when you say goodbye, I will promise you, but it doesn't mean I will leave you.
November 28, 201X
Waiting for a summer: no matter what the future holds, bless you, my beloved summer. No one can hurt you, not even me.
December 26, 201X
Wait for a summer: You shouldn't kiss me, so I will become more and more greedy.
December 29, 201X
Wait for a summer: Good night, summer.
January 2, 201X
Wait for a summer: the summer I love, when you really see me clearly, you will find that I actually love you more than you imagined.
It was just a few lines of text, but Jian Mingxia read it with a heavy heart, she thought she shouldn't be curious, shouldn't see these, just the night before, she told herself in her heart that she should make a decision . She really couldn't bear to break up first, so she wanted to alienate him and let him break up first.
In this way, even if it hurts her heart, she won't be nostalgic for it anymore.
And now, her chest is uncomfortable, just like what he wrote, she finds that he loves her more than she imagined, which makes her feel very uncomfortable.
She was always skeptical about this relationship, and was ready to break up at any time, but in fact he knew it all along, he just didn't say it.
If she said to break up, he would not refuse, even if it was not his true intention, but if it was her wish, then he would accept it.
In fact, thinking about it carefully, it's not like she couldn't feel it in her heart, otherwise she wouldn't be so confident.
She suddenly had an impulse, she wanted to see him, even though it was past midnight.
In the end, she didn't do that. She looked at the cartoon pictures he posted all night, which were all about their past, but expressed from another person's perspective.
When she saw her and her friends in pairs, he followed behind silently. When she went out in the morning and came back to catch up on sleep, he sat quietly in front of the computer and read a book.
He received text messages from her, sometimes he was in class, sometimes he was asleep, the messages he sent to her always had to be deliberated many times, deleted and deleted, and then sent, and then regretted.
He started to learn painting, but the people who painted were all her.
He made up his mind to confess, and he went to the city where she was full of expectations, feeling uneasy like every young man in love, and then she said to him: This is simply the funniest joke I have ever heard, I will not Those who like a child, stop dreaming! Don't come to me anymore, I'm tired of being your babysitter!
That was not the message she replied, but he was sentimental because of it. She deleted all his contact information and changed all his online accounts. He began to become gloomy, he dyed his hair, made himself a mess, he loved to grow his hair, and he was always not called by the teacher, so he would not go for a haircut, because she described between the lines that she liked boys with longer hair . She likes gentle boys, so he can be even more bad-tempered, as long as he is completely opposite to the person she likes.
During that time, he learned to smoke and drink, and would play games all night long. He always looked like he couldn't wake up all year round, bearded, decadent and decadent. Then he suddenly realized that if he still wants to be with her, then he can't be like this, she won't like a person who is drunk day and night, so he changed again, he started to keep working out, and got rid of all bad habits.
He has always been a self-disciplined person, and this is not difficult for him. He wanted to see her very much, but he couldn't, he was afraid that she would not want to see him. He re-serialized their stories on the Internet, he started to learn animation, learned a lot, and kept himself very busy.
But he still thinks of her from time to time.
He wrote a line of inner monologue on the picture: I think I am waiting for an opportunity, an opportunity that will come after many years, but maybe I will never wait.
The story ends after he graduates from university and works. He has no intention of knowing that she will go home, so he also asks for leave to go home, not to see her, but just to get closer to her.
Then he knew from his mother's conversation that she had always been single, and she didn't actually have a boyfriend. Maybe she was waiting for someone, although that person wasn't him.
Seeing this, Jian Mingxia couldn't help asking himself, who did he think she was waiting for? Did he think she was waiting for Xue Liheng
Obviously not like this.
Is she really waiting for someone
Jian Mingxia wanted to say no, but after thinking about it, she found that she couldn't say that. Is she really not waiting for someone
Perhaps when she didn't realize it, she was indeed waiting for something, although she knew it was impossible.
Jian Mingxia didn't sleep all night, just thinking about these things. At dawn, she sent a message to Lu Yu, and after telling her parents, she took the morning bus and returned to Nancheng alone.
During the period, Lu Yuyou called to ask her why she didn't go back to Nancheng together, but Jian Mingxia only said that there was something urgent and refused to say more.
She drove for six hours alone, and returned to Nancheng with confused thoughts. After taking a taxi and rushing back to her residence, she used scissors to cut open the small apple in the arms of the apple doll he gave him on Christmas Eve.
The small box inside finally stood out in front of her.
She didn't open it immediately, not because she didn't want to, but because she didn't dare.
After hesitating for a long time, she finally opened it.
The thing in the small box, as she guessed, was a diamond ring with "Marry Me" engraved on the side of the box.
He always hides his thoughts very deep.
Just when she thought they would not make it to the end, in fact he had already proposed.
He was afraid that she would refuse, so he chose this silent method. He knew that she would find out one day.
Looking at the ring in the box, Jian Mingxia felt that she had nowhere to vent her emotions, and whenever this happened, she would want to write something.
She opened the notebook's Weibo interface and started typing on it.
Waiting for a summer: I think I need to write something to clear my mind.
In the early years, I made a wrong decision. I found that I fell in love with a boy who was much younger than myself. I chose to let it go. It was very unwise, but when I found that I couldn’t let go, I accepted it. It, I have always been a willful person towards others and myself.
I didn't think about being with him, I just thought, it's a day to be able to get along with him, even in the relationship of siblings. We grew up together, I liked him very much, and I hated him very much, I never thought that one day I would have feelings for him in love, I questioned it, but after I repeatedly lost contact with him After falling asleep from time to time, I knew I had lost.
I don't know what kind of feelings he has for me. He always has a lot of tolerance for me. Obviously he is the younger one, but because of my unintentional words, he will travel half the city to buy me a pack of memories. Maltose in. He will chat with me all night when I can't sleep at night, he is always very impatient, but if I suddenly stop sending, he will ask me again.
Now that I think about it, he doesn't have feelings for me.
I thought we were going to get along like this until he suddenly got bored of me, or he fell in love with someone. That day came faster than I expected. He traveled to and from the city where I was. We had an appointment the day before to travel around the city together. But the next day, I found that he no longer contacted me.
I sat alone outside the playground, waiting from dawn to dark, I think this day has finally come, I did not contact him again, because of my humble pride.
I deleted all contact with him so I could pretend we just lost touch. I would go to bed early and try not to think about him, the nights were long and I would always fall asleep.
It took me a while to get used to living without him, which wasn't too difficult since we hadn't even started.
For the next few years, I refused to allow anyone to enter my world again. I hated leaving without saying goodbye, and I hated the growing estrangement. I am not a person who is open-minded about feelings. It is difficult for me to look away from friendship and love. So, I think it's better for me to be alone.
But today, I realized that it might be more than that, maybe I was still looking forward to it subconsciously, we could meet again.
I think the most reversed thing I experienced in my life was about pretending not to like someone anymore, but he suddenly told me that he liked me, many years ago. I don't know if I should believe it. Before he said that, I didn't even dare to look at him seriously, and didn't dare to talk to him too much. I was afraid that he would find out the clues.
But the result told me that what happened many years ago all stemmed from a misunderstanding.
He has always liked me, I want to believe it, but I am afraid to believe it.
But I couldn't say no to him, I didn't even think about it, I couldn't deny the joy in my heart. I accepted him, but I also gave myself a deadline to leave him before he started getting bored with the relationship.
This is a love that has just begun and is ready to end. At least that's what I thought at the time.
The more I love someone, the more I worry about it. I dare not pretend to be in front of him, worrying that one day he will see my true face and think I am hypocritical. I don’t even dare to think about being able to go to the end with him. Just think about one day in the future, he thinks I’m a burden, slowing down his steps, or he finds that his feelings for me are not love. That's good.
I think it's just my selfishness, my fear of getting hurt. But I was looking forward to it in my heart. I was contradictory and wanted to leave him, but I also hoped that we could really go to the end.
But at the same time, I also know that this may be negligible. I don't have time to accompany him to fall in love slowly. I don't know how long I can bear the pressure from relatives and myself.
If I can't bear it anymore, maybe I will choose to leave him by hurting him.
Before today, I thought so.
But sometimes life is really impermanent, I accidentally discovered, let me know a lot, I think he did it on purpose, he knew that I would not be indifferent to the books on the shelf, I have loved them all my life. He had expected me to see those.
He also expected that I would discover the gift he gave me, but he always said nothing, waiting for me to discover it slowly. He has really figured out my nature. When he is silent, I will think why he is silent. I am a woman who thinks too much, so even if he doesn't say it, I can still know.
And compared to other people's words, I believe what I think and find, he is too cunning.
If all this was premeditated, I can only say that you won.
I have only loved you in my life, nothing else.
I guess you can see these words, I only give you ten minutes, if I don't see you downstairs after ten minutes, then don't see me again!
She left such a vexatious remark at the end, but in fact she was in tears.