The first month of the new year has already come to an end.
On January 21st, it snowed heavily in Liangcheng.
Song Ran walked out of the hospital holding a big black umbrella. Her snow boots squeaked as she stepped on the fluffy snow. She walked to the side of the road and stopped. The passing people and vehicles left black muddy marks on the snow, ugly and wet, just like her mood at the moment.
She looked up at the sky, through the black edge of the umbrella, snowflakes were flying all over the sky, the sky was gray and white. She felt a little desperate, but also a little relieved.
In my pocket is the doctor's diagnosis: severe depression.
Song Ran didn't tell anyone, not his parents, relatives, friends or colleagues.
She went to work and went home as usual, took antidepressants during the day to stabilize her mood, and took sleeping pills to fall asleep at night.
Soon, her attending physician, Dr. Liang, noticed that her condition was not improving at all.
Dr. Liang asked her: "Do your family know? You can't bear the illness alone. You need the help of your family and friends."
Song Ran shook his head.
"Didn't tell anyone?"
"I can't tell you."
"Why?"
"They will be disappointed in me." Her father always wanted her to be stronger, while her mother always blamed her for being too weak.
"Many patients will encounter this situation, and they can't even open their mouths to their loved ones. But even if they don't want to talk to their loved ones, they should find a friend to talk to and relieve themselves."
"I don't know who to talk to." Song Ran said, "Sometimes, I wonder if this is a dream. I am the only one dreaming, while everyone else in the world is awake. Do you feel the same way? If you haven't seen them die with your own eyes, you won't understand. I don't want to be Xianglin Sao, repeatedly dissecting my heart for others to see, and others just say, it's nothing, it doesn't look that painful. You are so fragile, be strong."
"But Ranran," the doctor whispered, "it's okay to be fragile. Humans are fragile animals."
After seeing the psychologist that day, Song Ran went back to his father's house.
She hid her hands in her down jacket and hesitated for a long time before going upstairs. Song Ran didn't say much, but silently put the diagnosis on the coffee table.
Song Zhicheng looked at the list and was silent for a long time. He heard that many young people are sick now, but like most parents, he doesn't know how to deal with it.
"what did the doctor say?"
"Say get regular consultations, take medication on time, and stay away from irritants."
"What does stimulus mean?"
“Some negativity at work.”
Song Zhicheng frowned and asked, "Are you unhappy at work?"
Song Ran didn't know how to answer, so he rubbed his eyes and said, "No."
"Did the doctor prescribe medicine?"
"Um."
"Then take the medicine on time."
"Um."
Song Zhicheng felt the situation was tricky and didn't know how to deal with it. He sat in silence for a while, then got up and went to the balcony to smoke.
The water was boiling in the kitchen, and Yang Huilun went to pour it.
Song Yang rushed forward and held Song Ran's hand: "Sister, it's okay. You'll get better after being sick. How about I stay with you for a while?"
Yang Huilun immediately scolded her in the kitchen: "Don't even think about moving out! Do you think you can hang out with Lu Tao without anyone watching over you? His family members look down on you, yet you're still sticking with him!"
"What are you thinking?! I'm doing this for my sister's good." Song Yang yelled.
"Bullshit, I don't know what you're thinking. If you want to move out, no one will care. No way!"
They were arguing in the kitchen while their father was smoking on the balcony.
Song Ran was the only one left in the small living room.
However, she didn't expect them to help in the first place, but after she said it, at least she didn't have to pretend nothing happened in front of them.
…
This year's New Year came particularly late, and the Spring Festival was not celebrated until February.
Celebrating the New Year in Liangcheng would definitely be a noisy occasion, and the matter between Song Yang and her boyfriend had caused chaos at home. On the eve of the Spring Festival, Song Ran went to Dicheng to celebrate the New Year with her mother.
The temperature in Imperial City was more than ten degrees below zero, but Song Ran, wearing a sweater, long johns and down jacket, unexpectedly felt that the city was not too cold, but the weather was still bad. She sat in Ran Yuwei's car, looking at the street lights covered by haze, and always felt that there was something wrong with her eyes again.
The day before New Year's Eve, Ran Yuwei took her to have her eyes checked again, saying that she did not trust Liang Cheng's medical technology.
The ophthalmologist's surname was He. He was about 27 or 28 years old and had a handsome face. When he examined her, his movements were gentle, his voice was clear and soft, and his eyes and eyebrows were curved when he smiled.
Song Ran looked at him and inexplicably felt that he and Li Zan had some similarities in temperament. This caused her to be obedient and silent throughout the examination.
Doctor He smiled: "My mother and Aunt Ran are friends, you don't have to be so reserved."
Song Ran nodded: "I'm not reserved."
Hearing this, he laughed again.
Song Ran obediently completed the examination. Doctor He said that there was no major problem at the moment, but he should not overuse his eyes and should take care to protect them to avoid getting injured again.
On the way home, Ran Yuwei suddenly asked, "What do you think of Dr. He?"
Song Ran didn't react: "What?"
"He is from Imperial City University and is studying for a master's and doctorate degree. His mother is the director of the department next to mine. He has a good family background and is an excellent child. He also likes reading books and is interested in literature and history. I guess he is your type."
Song Ran turned his head and looked out the window: "No feeling."
Ran Yuwei: "What type of boy do you have feelings for? I'll help you find one."
Song Ran said: "Love matters depend on fate, there is no point in looking for it."
Ran Yuwei asked: "You find it yourself, so it's fate?"
Song Ran was silent for two seconds, then turned around and asked, "What do you mean?"
"When you were posted in the East, a peacekeeper often appeared in the camera." The mother's perception was so sharp. "You have been back for four or five months. Have you made any progress in your work during this time? You seem absent-minded all day long. What's wrong? Has our fate come to an end?"
Song Ran felt a piercing pain and forced himself to close his eyes, not wanting to argue with her.
Ran Yuwei continued, "Since you have decided to be a journalist, do it well. It's the same as seeking opportunities for development in China. Don't let your emotions get in the way. There are many good talents in this industry, but only a few can become famous journalists. I've seen too many. Now is the time to strike while the iron is hot, but you, I don't know what's on your mind. You haven't done anything for almost half a year. You refused to come to Dicheng because the peacekeeper is in Liangcheng? You have been sensitive and emotional since you were a child. I was afraid that you would delay your future because of love affairs. Now, what you feared has come true. I tell you, I absolutely don't agree with you falling into such a state."
Song Ran opened his eyes and said, "Whether I fall in love, who I fall in love with, whether I come to Imperial City, and how I develop are all my business. Can you please stop interfering?"
Ran Yu smiled and said, "With a little fame, my temper has become much tougher."
Song Ran's suppressed emotions were easily ignited. Her eyes turned red as she said word by word, "Why do you always speak so excessively? Why don't you care about other people's emotions at all!"
"How can I care about your emotions? Are you still a child? What did I say to you that made you get angry? You keep showing me your displeasure all day long. Do I owe you anything? What happened to you that you come to me to vent your anger? I worry about your career and your health, and I try my best to do good for you. What about you?!"
"Okay. Stop talking. I was wrong." Song Ran raised his hands in surrender, turned his head and covered his eyes with his hands, tears rolling down uncontrollably.
Ran Yuwei: "You..."
"Stop talking!" Song Ran screamed.
The car suddenly became quiet.
She had never lost control like this before. Ran Yuwei's face was cold, but she didn't say a word.
The two returned home and went back to their rooms. But Ran Yuwei noticed something and called Song Zhicheng.
In the quiet night, Song Ran could still hear his parents' quarrel through two doors. Ran Yuwei blamed Song Ran's illness on Song Zhicheng - it was he who allowed her to go to the East Country.
Song Ran sat on the bay window. Outside the window was the glorious winter night of the imperial city. The night was like a big net, tightly covering the city.
If the window was opened wider, she might jump out and not hear their noise.
But she didn't jump. She just quietly closed the curtains, took sleeping pills, and fell asleep.
…
The day before New Year's Eve, the temperature in Liangcheng dropped again. The cold was so severe that it chilled one's bones.
Li Zan went to the dormitory to pack his things. He picked this day on purpose because there were few people in the team and he didn't want to say goodbye.
He doesn't have much.
Apart from a few sets of military uniforms, ranks, and insignia, plus a few books, there was nothing else.
Liangcheng's winter is wet and cold. It has been cloudy for the past few days, and the dormitory is also shrouded in a layer of gray and dull light. Even the usually bright military green has dimmed a lot. On his bed, the quilt is folded into a standard tofu block.
Li Zan took a look before leaving and locked the door.
In the corridor, a shadow came over diagonally. It was Chen Feng. He knew that Li Zan would choose to leave the team today.
He knew better than anyone that the child was very proud. Now that he had fallen to such a state, he would definitely not want anyone to see him, even his closest comrades.
Chen Feng still remembers when Li Zan first entered the military academy, an 18-year-old recruit, young, not very temperamental, and gentle in character, smiling shyly at everyone he saw. At that time, he thought he was not suitable for staying in the military camp, but he didn't expect that the child was very hardworking, smart and studious. He was upright and honest. He had a gentle personality, but he was energetic in his bones, and had his own pursuits and ideals.
Later on, he was very sure that this child would become a great man in the future.
At first, he was reluctant to let Li Zan go to the East Kingdom, and he allowed him to go because he wanted him to easily make some merits and get a promotion when he came back. Now, he made a first-class merit, but...
Almost five months had passed since the explosion last year. After trying every possible treatment, Li Zan's body had recovered, but the ear problem had not been solved.
In a sense, he is a disabled person.
Chen Feng's heart skipped a beat when he thought of this. He was also afraid that this child would have no future.
But he quickly put aside this ominous thought, walked up to Li Zan, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "Your file will be reviewed after the beginning of the year. Zan, if you are willing, I will find a way to find you a position in the team..."
"Instructor." Li Zan interrupted him softly, "My father is here to pick me up and is waiting for me at the door. I'll go over first."
Chen Feng choked up. Knowing his character, it would be painful for him to stay here for one more day.
He patted him on the shoulder and said, "If you encounter any difficulties in the future, remember to come to the old instructor."
Li Zan smiled gently: "I know."
Li Zan walked out of the dormitory carrying a military bag, and crossed the playground where he had trained countless times without looking around. But he slowed down when he reached the gate - his comrades-in-arms, in full military uniform, lined up in two teams, standing in military posture to see him off.
He pursed his lips, smiled faintly, and walked through them.
"salute!"
With a "swish" sound, the comrades saluted in unison.
Li Zan walked through the queue. When he reached the end, he turned around, stood at attention, and saluted in return.
After walking out of the door, Li's father came forward to take his luggage.
Li Zan sat in the passenger seat, fastened his seat belt, turned his head, smiled at his instructor and comrades, and waved goodbye.
When the car drove away, he calmly and casually withdrew his gaze, but could not help looking at the rearview mirror. He kept looking, watching the camp getting farther and farther away until it finally disappeared.
He raised his head and leaned it against the seat, covering his eyes with his arms, the corners of his mouth trembling, trembling, and then pressed down; and two lines of tears rolled into his temples.
…
On New Year’s Eve, Ran Yuwei cooked a New Year’s Eve dinner herself.
Unfortunately, her cooking skills were too poor. The chicken soup was not cooked well, the okra was fried too salty, the prawns were steamed too old, the braised pork had no sugar, and only the cabbage soup was okay. She was a little embarrassed, but Song Ran didn't care. It didn't matter what she ate.
After learning about Song Ran's condition that night, Ran Yuwei's attitude changed significantly. She changed her image of a strict mother and became much more tolerant of Song Ran, and no longer made many demands on her. On the first day of the Lunar New Year, even though she had a cough and was not in a good mood, she took Song Ran to the temple fair for the first time. But halfway through the visit, she felt that the temple fair was boring, so she bought Song Ran a candied haws and a cloth tiger and went home.
Ran Yuwei was born not good at speaking softly or comforting others; Song Ran also refused to let others talk to her about her psychological problems. Both of them kept silent about their illness.
Ran Yuwei tried her best to give Song Ran some space and not make her feel uncomfortable. But a person's personality cannot be changed suddenly, and she herself had a hard time restraining herself.
Song Ran felt her depression, and he had nothing to say and could do nothing about it.
On the day of return, Ran Yuwei sent her to the airport and neither of them spoke.
The only sound in the quiet carriage was Ran Yuwei's occasional cough.
Song Ran said, "Go to the hospital when you get to work tomorrow. Don't just focus on work."
"Yes." Ran Yuwei said, "Remember to see a doctor when you return to Liangcheng."
"Um."
No more words.
It was not until they parted that Ran Yuwei said, "It's okay. Be strong."
After saying that, he added, "Short hair doesn't look good, keep it and don't cut it next time."
Song Ran was speechless.
On the plane back to the city, she was extremely sleepy, but she couldn't fall asleep, just like the countless sleepless nights before when she tossed and turned.
It was a night flight and all the passengers were sleeping.
The cabin was dimly lit and quiet.
She sat in her seat, eyes stubbornly open. Suddenly, without warning, her nose felt sore. Ever since she got sick, her emotions always came and went. She was a little annoyed with herself.
However, the emotion disappeared in the next second. She calmed down again inexplicably.
Turning my head and looking out the porthole, there was endless darkness.
She sat in her seat for two hours before the plane finally landed in Liangcheng.
The exhausted passengers lined up to get off the plane with expressionless faces. The moment Song Ran stepped onto the bridge, a gust of cold air rushed over, and the icy cold instantly penetrated several layers of clothes and seeped into the skin and bone marrow.
She wrapped her down jacket tightly and walked out shivering.
Song Ran got off the bridge and walked into the corridor with two French windows. Outside one window, the night was endless, and the lights of the planes on the apron were flashing; inside the other window, the waiting hall was brightly lit, and passengers were sitting or standing, coming and going.
Not far from her, there was a queue of people waiting to board the plane.
With an unintentional glance, she suddenly saw the familiar figure.
Li Zan, wearing a navy blue coat, stood in the queue. He was very tall, with a straight back and a distinguished demeanor, which made him particularly eye-catching.
The daylight in the waiting hall shone on his handsome face. He had a calm expression, yet seemed a little absent-minded, as he slowly moved forward with the team.
Song Ran was stunned for a few seconds, and hesitated for a moment. But the next second, the surging emotions in her heart overwhelmed everything, and she dragged the box back to the end of the corridor and called him through the glass: "A Zan!"
He didn't hear her, nor did he look in her direction, and continued to move forward quietly with the team.
"Azan!" She tapped the glass anxiously.
The glass at the airport was very thick, and Song Ran saw the passengers opposite him conversing, talking, and laughing.
All images are silent - this is soundproof glass.
Her heart sank and she opened her mouth, but no sound came out.
She leaned against the floor-to-ceiling glass window, just staring at him blankly, watching him walk forward little by little. There were only four people in front of him.
Someone in the team saw her and was a little surprised, but didn't quite understand.
Song Ran was breathing lightly, and the hot air from his breath blurred the glass. She hurriedly wiped it with her sleeve, but saw that there were only two people left in front of him.
Her lips trembled, her nose felt sore, and she almost cried.
The traveler took a step out of the queue to observe, but he was not sure who Song Ran was looking for.
The passenger in front of Li Zan started to check his ticket.
Song Ran leaned against the glass and stared at him blankly. Suddenly, her heart became quiet. All her emotions disappeared, and her mind was blank.
She knew it was too late.
But just as the person in front of him walked into the boarding gate, Li Zan somehow turned his head and glanced over here. In an instant, he met her eyes.
She was wrapped in a down jacket, with messy hair, lying outside the glass window, holding the glass with both hands, staring at him blankly and silently.
The moment their eyes met, her eyes widened and she immediately opened her mouth, but she formed the shape of "ah" but did not utter the following sound.
Li Zan was stunned for several seconds. He just handed over the ticket, then took it back and said, "I'm sorry."
He stepped out of the group and strode towards her.
Song Ran's nose suddenly felt sore, and tears flashed in her eyes. She was afraid of being embarrassed, so she quickly blinked away the tears, pursed her lips and turned back, her eyes bright, and smiled at him obediently.
Li Zan came to the glass and stopped.
He lowered his head and looked at her through a glass. His eyes were deep, as if hiding too many emotions, yet he was as calm and restrained as usual.
His eyes were clear as he just looked at her quietly, as if he was meeting an old friend again, or as if a long-cherished wish had come true; he just looked at her quietly, smiling faintly, a trace of unspeakable sadness flashed across his curved eyebrows, and then he returned to peace and quiet.
The two of them looked at each other silently, smiling faintly with slightly red eyes.
After a full ten seconds, he poked the glass with his finger, pointed at her face, and said something.
Song Ran couldn't understand his lip movements and shook his head: "What did you say? I can't hear you."
He smiled, said nothing, and just looked at her quietly.
It has been four or five months since we last met. It seems a little strange, yet still familiar.
Li Zan asked, "Are you okay?"
She understood what he said and nodded quickly: "Okay. What about you?"
He also smiled and nodded.
Song Ran asked: "When did you come back?"
He didn't know whether he saw it clearly or not, so he didn't answer. Instead, he looked down at her box with a smile in his eyes.
At that moment, Song Ran suddenly found something strange about his right ear. Just as he wanted to take a closer look, the boarding team had completed the last ticket check. The ground service staff said something, and Li Zan turned around and answered.
He looked back at her and said silently, "I'm leaving."
Song Ran felt a pang in his heart and could only nod. Suddenly, he grabbed the glass anxiously and said, "Phone! Phone!"
He nodded.
She suddenly lost her mind and didn't even think of using her cell phone. She hurriedly wrote a string of numbers on the glass with her fingers. He stared at her hand without blinking, frowning, and quickly wrote down the string of numbers.
After she finished writing, he pursed his lips and frowned, reciting it several times in his mind.
She looked at him: "Did you remember?"
He recalled it again in his mind and nodded: "I remember it."
A big smile finally broke out on her face.
He also smiled, pointed to the right, and said, "Let's go."
"Yeah." She nodded repeatedly.
He walked towards the boarding gate, and halfway there he looked back at her.
She was still lying by the window, staring at him.
He waved at her and mouthed silently, "Bye."
She quickly raised her hand and shook it: "Bye."
He quickly checked his ticket and looked back at her as he walked into the boarding gate before disappearing from sight.