This was the first time since that incident that she made such a gesture of kindness to him, and he was flattered, so he hurriedly moved away from the door. Ask her again: "What book do you want to read?"
As he said, he led her to the wall of the bookshelf, and looked back at her with sparkling eyes, full of flattery, "Come and pick it yourself. Take whatever you want. Anyway, you know that I don't like these things. Putting it here is just a decoration."
She didn't respond, but just walked forward, raised her head and slowly scanned the books on the bookshelf, occasionally pulled out a book to look at it, and then put it back.
Fu Shenxing stopped talking. He took a few steps back, leaned against the edge of the table, and quietly watched her back.
After that incident, she had always been calm, but he knew that what was suppressed under this calm was the sleepless fear. She has been suffering from insomnia and has to rely on sleeping pills to fall asleep at night. For this, he was heartbroken, but helpless. He really wanted to go forward and hug her to comfort her. Tell her, "Don't be afraid, I'm here." But he is not qualified, because he is the chief culprit, the source of all the harm she has suffered.
Those things in the past, he thought that as long as everyone forgets about them, they can be regarded as things that never happened. It was like a sore that was suddenly punctured, and it was exposed in front of him and her like this, which was unsightly.
It turned out that he remembered everything so clearly, the stupid things he did to her, and the stupid things he said. In the past, because I didn't love, I didn't care. You can trample on her wantonly, and trample her into the mud. But now, as long as he thinks about those things, he feels a tight pain in his chest.
He is like this, so what about her? How could she not hate, how could she forget? She just didn't speak, just learned to be silent. Except that she was brutally abused and beaten by Zhang Shou that night, and she asked him "Are you satisfied?" when she was unconscious, since then, she has never criticized him again.
He was afraid of her silence. He would rather she quarrel with him, quarrel with him, and even rush to beat him, than being silent like this now. She was standing right in front of his eyes, less than two meters away from him, but he knew that she was far away from him. The intimacy and tenderness he got are just his self-deception.
He stood there looking at her, his eyes wet unconsciously. He is a ruthless person, he is ruthless to others, and he is also ruthless to himself. Since he is sensible, he would rather bleed than cry, but at this moment, he wants to squat down and cry.
She stood in front of the bookshelf for a long time, but in the end she only picked out a thick dictionary, hugged it in her arms, turned to look at him, and said, "Let's just use this one, you can fall asleep just by looking at it." .”
Fu Shenxing smiled stiffly, and in order to have a few more words with her, he asked her out of words: "Why did you choose this book?"
He Yan glanced down at the book in her arms, and replied softly: "The problem that fell during school, memorizing this is the easiest to get sleepy."
He smiled, "I'll try later."
She didn't speak, just pulled the corner of her lips lightly, and walked out with the book in her arms. He followed her to see her off, and finally couldn't help but speak when he reached the door. "Ayan." He stopped her, stepped forward and pressed her hand on the doorknob, and approached her from behind. After a while, he said in a shy voice, "I'm sorry, but I forgot about those things, is it okay? Please .”
He Yan was silent for a while, and finally she just patted the back of his hand lightly, and said, "Fu Shenxing, let's all look forward."
This is easy to say, but easier said than done in practice.
That night, he moved back to the bedroom to sleep with her, and just as he reached out to touch her, she unconsciously shivered and subconsciously hid aside. He froze for a moment, then withdrew his hand embarrassingly, and after a long silence, he said in a shy voice, "Sleep peacefully, I won't touch you."
She shrunk herself into a small ball and fell asleep with her back facing him. In the middle of the night, she suddenly threw herself into his arms, hugged his neck tightly, and buried her head deep in his chest. Before Fu Shenxing could rejoice, she heard her weeping and saying, "Yuanze, I'm afraid, he's here again, here again!"
Fu Shenxing's body froze suddenly, and his hands stopped in mid-air. After a long time of freezing, they slowly fell down again, patted her thin back, and comforted her softly: "It's okay, it's okay."
She gradually woke up from the nightmare, and seemed to realize that this embrace was not the one she wanted, so she stopped crying, let go of her hand, and withdrew from his embrace, "Thank you." She whispered, With a calm and restrained voice, he turned over and retracted again, wrapping himself tightly with the quilt.
And this is just the beginning.
Her body instinctively refused his touch, and when the scars on her body slowly disappeared, and he couldn't bear to get close to her, her body would become stiff uncontrollably, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't cover her with warmth It is not soft when it is hot. Several times, he tried to tease her with his lips and tongue, kissing her whole body delicately, but her body was still stiff and cold.
She told him to look forward, but she stayed where she was, unable to move half a step. Fu Shenxing was in great pain, but there was nothing he could do.
Ah Jiang had already returned from Southeast Asia. Seeing these two people torture each other so much, he couldn't help persuading Fu Shenxing to let He Yan go, saying: "I see that Miss He doesn't want to have a good time with you, she just I'm stuck there. Why don't you let her go first, and wait three or two years for things to fade away, maybe you can forget about it. If you go after her at that time, you may not be able to coax her to soften her heart. "
Reason told Fu Shenxing that what A Jiang said made sense, but he didn't dare to let go, let alone two or three years, even two or three months. He Yan will go away, go far away, and never come back. That's right, he is a selfish bastard, he would rather watch her wither a little in his hands than let her laugh and be happy in the arms of another man.
"Forget about those things, is it okay? Please, He Yan, forget about the past, just as if we just met." He begged her so bitterly more than once, and she always answered him "yes" calmly, even She was also trying her best to adjust herself, but when she was under him, she was still as stiff as ever, and even got worse. Once when he touched her, she retched uncontrollably and fainted It's dark.
This is the body's instinctive disgust, the truest expression of her heart, the truest heart that neither her reason nor her hatred for him can suppress.
All his guilt was crushed by her reaction, and after despair followed by irrational anger, he held her shoulders tightly, gritted his teeth and asked her: "He Yan, what do you want me to do to let go of the past? Ah? You tell me, what should I do to satisfy you? I killed Zhang Shou, and I killed his family. What do you want from me? That’s right, I raped you, I spoiled you so much, you take revenge Go back, can you find someone to force me for a while? I will let you do it for a while, so that you can balance it a little bit?"
He got up to open the door and shouted downstairs: "A Jiang! Come here!"
Ah Jiang heard the dispute between the two of them clearly outside. Hearing this, he timidly went upstairs and called out nervously: "Mr. Fu..."
Fu Shenxing's eyes were spitting fire, and he roared angrily, "Get out!"
A Jiang had no choice but to move in step by step, and Fu Shenxing yelled like a lunatic: "Come on, fuck me, show her."
A Jiang was so frightened that he was stupid, and he didn't dare to move when he stood there.
Fu Shenxing looked at He Yan again, seeing her sitting there with downcast eyes indifferent, so he said harshly: "Ah Jiang is dissatisfied with you, right? The homeless people on the street will be fine, right? A Jiang, go outside to find someone, The dirtier and rougher the better!"
Where can Ah Jiang really go, standing at a loss, looking at He Yan for help, "Miss He..."
"Okay! Okay! You don't listen to me anymore." Fu Shenxing's face was livid, and he gritted his teeth: "I'll go by myself, by myself!"
He started to walk out, so frightened that Ah Jiang hurriedly hugged him from behind, dragged him tightly, and then turned to beg He Yan: "Miss He, please, Miss He, please don't compete with Mr. Fu , You persuade him, persuade him."
Only then did He Yan look up at Fu Shenxing, her expression was calm and almost indifferent, "Shen Zhijie, I really tried my best."
Yes, she really tried her best. The moment she knocked on his study door that night and offered him a favor in the name of borrowing a book, she had already decided to endure everything and told herself to persevere for revenge. It's not that she doesn't want to, it's that she can't do it. Even the thought of revenge can no longer support her to continue walking. What if Fu Shenxing was killed? If you sell your body and soul in exchange for dying with him, wouldn't you still have to go to hell to continue entangled with him
Her incomparably strong will slowly collapsed at some point, and finally lost control of her body.
Fu Shenxing gradually calmed down from his rage. He froze there and stared at her. After a while, an almost cruel smile appeared on his lips, and he said softly: "He Yan, I won't let you go, even if you die, you will die too. In my arms."
Her face was still calm, and she answered him: "Okay."
He stopped trying to touch her, and even turned a blind eye to her. Two people live in the same house, but they ignore each other like two complete strangers. He was still busy every day, leaving early and returning late, and she was also quiet about her duties, not even making any plans for revenge.
Alive, maybe only because she is alive.
Until one day, Tian Tian suddenly called her and asked her hesitantly, "Is what they said true?"
He Yan chuckled and asked back: "What did they say?"
Tian Tian is also very smart, so she didn't ask any more questions after hearing the words, paused for a while, and asked again: "Do you want to go shopping together?"
This sudden invitation surprised He Yan, but she didn't want to disturb her friend's life anymore, she didn't want to bring anyone into danger, she refused with a smile: "No, I've been a little lazy recently, and I don't want to go anywhere."
Tian Tian fell silent, and after a while asked her again: "It is impossible for us to go back to the past, is it?"
He Yan couldn't help laughing, "Tian Tian, I stole your fiancé."
"That scumbag is what I don't want!" Tian Tian couldn't help but swear, and paused for a while, not only didn't her anger subside, but seemed to be more vigorous, she said again: "Forget it, it's my brain twitching!" I just want to call you this time. In front of men, friendship is nothing! He Yan, since we have broken the road, we should simply understand everything about the past. The tens of thousands of dollars I saved you before , you give back to my old lady every penny. Also, you also find those photos that I left you when you were in school, and return them to me. I cut out all the group photos, and each of them wants half of it. "
These are obviously angry children's words, not like friends of the same sex are breaking up, but more like boyfriend and girlfriend breaking up, anyone who hears it is afraid that they will not be able to help laughing. But He Yan didn't smile, not only didn't smile, she even frowned slightly. She never used Tian Tian's money. Although Tian Tian gave her a bank card before she fled to the United States, she didn't take any money from it.
It is impossible for Tian Tian to talk nonsense, let alone to blackmail her tens of thousands of dollars. Then she must have other intentions in saying this. He Yan was full of doubts, but responded calmly: "Okay, I will return it to you."
She hung up the phone, sat in silence for a while, and then dialed Fu Shenxing's cell phone. He answered the phone almost immediately, but remained silent for three to five seconds before asking her indifferently, "What's the matter?"
"I want to go home. Tian Tian wants something from the past, so I'll go back and find it for her." She replied.
He was silent for a while on the phone, and then replied: "I asked A Jiang to go back and accompany you."
Ah Jiang quickly returned to the apartment and drove He Yan back to her parents. She dug out the old photo albums from college, looking for pictures of Arita Tian one by one. There are quite a few photos, but most of them are photos of her and Liang Yuanze. He Yan looked slowly, and unconsciously, a smile curled up on the corner of her lips. At that time, they were still so young. At that time, Liang Yuanze still loved her and was still by her side.
It was getting dark outside, and the people in the photo began to be blurred. She reached out to touch the desk lamp on the bedside. Startled, suddenly froze there. It was a palm-sized porcelain doll, a smiling boy, the porcelain doll that she never forgot to put in her mother's suitcase before she fled, so that she could bring it to Liang Yuanze.
He Yan's hands trembled violently, she grabbed the porcelain doll and took a closer look, when she saw the blemish-like black spot on the brow of the doll, tears burst out suddenly. This is the one that Liang Yuanze bought for her, and this is the "male treasure" that represents Liang Yuanze. She couldn't help crying and laughing, afraid of being heard by A Jiang in the living room, she didn't dare to make a sound, so she could only cover her mouth with all her strength, and pressed everything in her palm.
Liang Yuanze was still there, he didn't really leave. It turned out that he was still here, by her side.
A Jiang couldn't hear He Yan's movement outside for a long time, so she couldn't help feeling a little worried, stepped forward to knock on the door gently, and called her: "Miss He?"