There are many things that I have never thought about in that direction. At a certain moment, I suddenly have a nerve. Once I make a small opening, everything after that doesn't even need to be said, and everything is clear.
Tang Suoyan looked at Tao Xiaodong, all kinds of traces passed by one by one for so many days, and it was repeated in front of his eyes.
Tang Suoyan leaned his hand on the edge of the table, and this posture would slightly lower his upper body. His fingertips were a little cold, and he lowered his head and thought silently.
It didn't take long, about half a minute, when the two looked at each other again, Tao Xiaodong closed his eyes.
Tang Suoyan put his hand on the ophthalmoscope, and he smiled at Tao Xiaodong. The smile is not far-fetched, as gentle as always, such a doctor will always make people feel like a spring breeze.
"What's wrong with me?" Tang Suoyan beckoned to him and motioned him to sit down, "It's alright, come."
Tao Xiaodong sat down, took off his hat, and silently let Tang Suoyan look into his eyes with his ophthalmoscope.
There is only direct ophthalmoscopy in the office, and two people are required to be very close.
"I remember that you tested your genes before," Tang Suoyan said softly, "I asked Tian Yi when I first met you and Xiaonan, and he said you were all right."
Tao Huainan inherited primary retinitis pigmentosa from his father. The disease developed very quickly at an early stage. When I knew him, it was already very late. Tang Suoyan had just returned from outside at that time, and his team abroad was focusing on gene therapy for RP. He told Tian Yi as soon as he knew Tao Huainan's condition, and suggested that his brother also check his genes.
Tian Yi was very sure at the time, saying that his brother was fine.
So for so many years, Tang Suoyan has always tacitly agreed that Tao Xiaodong's genetic test has ruled out the possibility of the disease, and he has never considered it again.
Tao Xiaodong wants to talk, but his mouth hurts, and he still doesn't know if it really hurts or if he thinks it should hurt. It was difficult for him to open his mouth. The festering scab on the corner of his mouth was conspicuous, ugly as a sore.
Top right, bottom right, top left, bottom, Tang Suoyan ordered him softly, looking into his eyes.
After reading the right eye and then looking at the left eye, Tang Suoyan's movements are natural and normal, his expression and eyes are not panicked, and even every command is flat and gentle.
"Did I remember it wrong?" Tang Suoyan put down his ophthalmoscope, put his hand on Tao Xiaodong's shoulder, and asked him after reading both eyes.
Tao Xiaodong frowned first when he opened his mouth, his mouth was so annoyed and his voice was hoarse, he said, "I haven't done it, Brother Yan."
He subconsciously wanted to raise his hand to touch the corner of his mouth, but Tang Suoyan pressed his hand to prevent him from touching it: "Isn't the gene tested?"
Tao Xiaodong said "um".
Tao Xiaodong never thought about getting a gene test before. He was young at that time, and he was still single-minded, with the freedom and stupidity of a young man. Since it can't be cured if it is detected, what is the use of testing a gene in advance to know if you are at risk of developing the disease. It's good that I can't find it out, but when I find it out, I always have such a thing in my heart and find myself guilty.
Later, after a long time, it was as if I had tested it myself, and I didn't take anything to myself, and I forgot that there was such a thing.
"Then let's test one." Tang Suoyan told him.
Tao Xiaodong raised his head, his eyes were unbearable to look at, Tang Suoyan touched his head, Tao Xiaodong said with difficulty: "I've confirmed... Brother Yan."
"Where did you check it?" Tang Suoyan asked him.
Tao Xiaodong said the name of a city, the city where he went out last time, Xiaokai's place.
Tang Suoyan said, "I'll check it myself."
The scope that can be seen by direct ophthalmoscope is limited. At this time, the outpatient system is out of get off work, and others cannot be checked. It's not a sudden illness, it's not less than half a day, the two returned home, Tang Suoyan asked Tao Xiaodong to come to the hospital at noon tomorrow.
In the evening, Tang Suoyan applied medicine to the corner of his mouth, and smiled first: "Why do you often apply medicine during this time?"
Tao Xiaodong also twitched the corners of his mouth and wanted to laugh.
"How did you find out?" Tang Suoyan asked.
"The day the power went out..." Tao Xiaodong wanted to touch the corner of his mouth again, Tang Suoyan blocked it with his hand, Tao Xiaodong put down his hand and continued, "I can't see anything."
"Totally invisible?"
Tao Xiaodong said, "I wanted to go to the toilet, and when I hit the wall lamp, I reacted."
When I rarely do anything with the lights off, I didn't think about anything else for a while before I went to bed. I got used to it and got used to it. In fact, even if the light is turned off, as long as there is a little light in the window, the normal person will not be completely invisible, and the dark vision in the dark can also see the outline. Tao Xiaodong knocked on the corner of his eye that day. It was so painful that he felt dizzy. He stood there for a long time, and when he wanted to leave, he suddenly couldn't find his way.
There was indiscriminate black everywhere in front of him. He raised his hand and touched it. He shouldn't be able to see the white wall.
The suite Xiaokai booked for him, Tao Xiaodong has knocked it many times since that one. He couldn't find it anywhere, he could roughly make out the direction along the wall, and when he took a few steps away from the wall, he didn't know where it was.
- Walking with his hands in this way, he suddenly thought of Tao Huainan.
Walls, chairs, table corners, coffee tables, the more you knock, the more you panic. He began to compete with himself in the dark. During the few minutes of the power outage, he looked like a nightmare, but the terror could not wake up.
"There were suspicions at that time, but they never told me, did they?" Tang Suoyan asked him.
Tao Xiaodong lowered his eyes, and answered "um" after a while.
"It's good." Tang Suoyan chuckled lightly, and the cotton swab on the corner of his mouth caused Tao Xiaodong to gasp in pain.
Although Tang Suoyan was so gentle today, he still slept in the guest bedroom and didn't come back.
Tao Xiaodong had another night with his eyes open.
After speaking out, two nerves were miraculously loosened, and his eyes and the rest of his life didn't think about it. It seemed that the emotions that had been so full before suddenly broke a hole and let out a little bit.
But loosening these two nerves didn't make him feel really relaxed. Tang Suoyan was going back and forth in front of him.
Yesterday Tang Suoyan said "You make me very sad", Tao Xiaodong forced himself to take a step today. He can't look back after taking this step, and Tang Suoyan may have no peace after that.
In the end, people are still selfish and greedy, unable to let go of their feelings and people in their hearts.
Going back and forth, still not willing to let go, and shamelessly hooked up with the lover's wanton second half of his life.
The pupils were dilated, the fundus was checked, and the dark vision was also tested. Tang Suoyan personally took him to check each item during his lunch break. When I sent Tang Suoyan to work in the morning, I also had blood drawn, and the blood sample had been sent for inspection. The results of the genetic test were slow, so I had to wait slowly.
This is not a difficult disease to check. Since Tao Xiaodong has checked it before, there is no possibility of error.
He is in the early stage now, and the only symptoms are night blindness, decreased scotopic vision, and neither visual field nor central vision has begun to change. However, this is a disease that is bound to degenerative development. So far, there is no effective treatment in clinical practice, and the blindness rate is very high.
Tao Xiaodong knows this disease too well, he has been dealing with it since Tao Huainan was four years old.
Its only advantage may be that it gives you time to slowly learn and adapt to being blind.
"I haven't worked overtime recently, are you waiting for me in the store?" Tang Suoyan asked him, "I'll pick you up?"
"It's okay if I come to you." Tao Xiaodong said, hissing before he finished speaking.
Tang Suoyan looked at the corner of his mouth and asked, "It still hurts?"
Tao Xiaodong nodded and said it hurt.
Tang Suoyan said, "don't think about it, don't take it seriously."
Tao Xiaodong responded with a "hmm". His mouth only seemed to hurt badly when he was talking, but it wasn't that serious when he was eating and drinking. Tang Suoyan tapped his thumb next to it and said to him, "Relax yourself, Xiaodong."
He was so tense. Tao Xiaodong was originally a very energetic person, and he was also optimistic. These days, he has been seeing lower and lower levels every day. From the beginning, I was able to talk and laugh, but then I quickly lost weight after talking less, and now I don't even talk.
Tang Suoyan gave him a hug in the office, patted him on the back and said softly, "It's okay... Don't be afraid."
Tao Xiaodong still said "Yeah", sucked the smell from Tang Suoyan's body, and said hoarsely, "I'm not afraid."
Because of the dilation, Tang Suoyan did not let him go to the store to make pictures, nor let him look at the pictures on his mobile phone, and he would not be allowed to drive if he could not see strong light. Tao Xiaodong simply didn't leave and sat in the waiting area all afternoon.
Eyes were uncomfortable at first, but improved after a few hours. By the end of the day it was almost as good.
Tang Suoyan didn't know that he hadn't left. When he saw him, he thought he had just come, and asked him if his eyes were uncomfortable.
Tao Xiaodong said, "I don't feel anything now."
"Do you block the light outside?" Tang Suoyan asked him again.
Tao Xiaodong said, "I didn't leave, I was sitting in the clinic."
Tang Suoyan looked at him, and Tao Xiaodong smiled lightly: "You'll be off work in a few hours anyway."
Before leaving the building, Tang Suoyan held his hand, Tao Xiaodong was a little startled, Tang Suoyan said, "Close your eyes."
After being dilated, his eyes were photophobic, and it was uncomfortable to see the light. Tang Suoyan kept holding him, and Tao Xiaodong was taken away by him with his eyes closed.
The first thing he had to learn to adapt to was being led by someone while walking.
From this day on, Tang Suoyan restricted Tao Xiaodong's eye time, so that he could not work more than five hours a day. Tao Xiaodong spends ten hours a day without rest during this time, and this is what Tang Suoyan limited first.
Tao Xiaodong really wanted to listen to him, and listened to everything else, let him eat what he wanted, and let him do what he wanted.
He hesitated for a moment, but didn't answer right away.
Tang Suoyan raised his eyebrows and asked, "Am I taking care too much?"
It hurts so much to ask this question. The time they made trouble before, Tang Suoyan would definitely not tell him about it again because of Tao Xiaodong's eyes. Tao Xiaodong's condition was already very bad.
But that doesn't mean it's really over, Tang Suoyan is still sleeping in the guest bedroom, and the two of them sleep separately.
Tao Xiaodong shook his head, grabbed Tang Suoyan's wrist lightly, but couldn't say anything. The words that once coaxed Tang Suoyan could be said in one mouthful, but now they are gone, so he can only shake his wrist in silence like this.
The most hurtful and unspeakable thing between lovers is separation, no matter what the reason is.
Tao Xiaodong pursed his lips and said in a low voice, "I have to finish the plan I have made... Brother Yan."
"Then do it slowly." Tang Suoyan said, "Don't worry."
"I..." Tao Xiaodong frowned again, drawn by the corner of his mouth, and licked it.
"Don't lick it, don't think about it." Tang Suoyan also grabbed his hand with his backhand, pinching it in the palm of his hand, "Do your drawing slowly."
"My dad is more than a year old, and Xiaonan is seven or eight months old." Tao Xiaodong cleared his throat, lowered his head and said, "Brother Yan, I'm afraid... it's too late."
"What are you thinking about, everyone is different, why don't you look at it for more than ten or twenty years." Tang Suoyan smiled, "Don't think about that, what to do."
There is no despair in him, as if there is hope for everything, Tang Suoyan has always been such a person. Even if you know that this matter is basically finalized, looking at him and listening to him talk, you think it's okay and not so desperate.
Tao Xiaodong smiled and nodded.
Tao Xiaodong didn't go to sleep immediately after taking a shower at night, but sat on the sofa for a while. Tang Suoyan came out of the shower and said, "Go to sleep, I'll turn off the lights."
Tao Xiaodong walked over silently and stood beside him.
Tang Suoyan looked at him and asked, "What's wrong?"
Tao Xiaodong didn't speak, he hugged his waist from behind and put his chin on his shoulder.
Tang Suoyan turned his head to the side, and Tao Xiaodong silently kissed him on the neck.
"What do you mean?" Tang Suoyan asked him.
Tao Xiaodong whispered: "Come back and sleep..."
Tang Suoyan: "It doesn't matter?"
Tao Xiaodong hugged him tightly without speaking.
"I didn't mention that to you because I had to put your eyes first. Now it's the most important thing." Tang Suoyan told him, "I don't mention it doesn't mean I'm not angry anymore."
Tao Xiaodong said "Hmm" in a low voice.
"Sleep with you," Tang Suoyan stopped him from hugging him, went to turn on the light in the master bedroom, stood at the door and said, "Lie down, I'll turn off the light."
He had no intention of going in, Tao Xiaodong could only lie down by himself, Tang Suoyan turned off the light for him, and left a small night light in the middle of the two bedrooms.