Bian Nan walked around the street twice, he didn't have much appetite, he found everything tasted bad, and he didn't know what to buy to take home.
Finally, after wandering around for half an hour, he entered a small shop that looked nice, ordered two servings of roast goose rice and one serving of porridge, packed them up and went back to the hospital.
At the entrance of the hospital, he checked the time and called Qiu Yan.
Qiu Yan has already arrived home and is preparing to eat his own hot porridge.
"Your brother is still discussing it in the doctor's office," Bian Nan said. "There are many things at noon, so you can eat and sleep at home by yourself, and go to school by yourself in the afternoon."
"Well," Qiu Yan responded, "Can my brother come back this afternoon?"
"I can go back," Bian Nan couldn't help his nose sore when he heard Qiu Yan's voice, "I'll pick you up from school in the afternoon."
"Okay, can you bring me a bottle of yogurt and beef jerky." Qiu Yan said immediately.
"Your brother is back and you still dare to eat like this?" Bian Nan said with a smile.
"I'll eat some more soon after he comes back, or I won't be able to eat again." Qiu Yan laughed.
"Okay, I'll bring it for you, but it's only for today, and you can't eat it carelessly tomorrow." Bian Nan said.
"En!" Qiu Yan responded loudly.
When he returned to the door of the ward, Bian Nan listened outside the door, but there was no voice from Qiu Yi in the room, and Qiu's father was talking to the uncle in the next bed.
Before Qiu Yi finished chatting with the doctor, Bian Nan hesitated for a moment, and sat down on the chair in the corridor. He suddenly didn't dare to stay face to face with Qiu's father alone.
do not know why.
After dazed in the chair for a while, the elevator rang, and Qiu Yi came out.
"How is it?" Bian Nan stood up.
"What did you buy?" Qiu Yi walked up to him, opened the plastic bag with his fingers and looked inside.
"Roast goose rice, I bought porridge for your dad." Bian Nan looked at him. Since entering the hospital, the expression on Qiu Yi's face hadn't changed much, and he couldn't feel any fluctuations in his emotions.
"Why didn't you go in?" Qiu Yi looked at him.
"I..." Bian Nan didn't know what to say, and he really didn't know why he didn't dare to go in.
"Roast goose rice," Qiu Yi sat down on the chair, "Then let's go in after we finish eating, or my dad will drink porridge and we two will eat roast goose, so we won't be so hungry."
"Oh." Bian Nan sat down beside him, took out a meal and handed it to Qiu Yi, he guessed that Qiu Yi could guess that he didn't dare to go in.
During the meal, Qiu Yi didn't say a word, and Bian Nan couldn't keep asking. Looking at Qiu Yi like this, the doctor probably didn't have anything good to say, or he would have said it earlier.
Bian Nan didn't finish his meal, it was too congested, and it was even more uncomfortable than eating at home after arguing with Bian Xinyu and Bian Hao.
"I'll go in and have a chat with my dad in a while." Qiu Yi looked hungry, and after finishing his share, he took the lunch box in Bian Nan's hand and continued eating, "How about..."
"I'll wait outside." Bian Nan said.
Qiu Yi glanced at him, patted his leg lightly with his hands, buried his head and finished his lunch box, got up and went to the pantry to heat up the porridge in the microwave, and entered the ward.
When Qiu Yi pushed open the door of the ward, he felt that the door was very heavy, and he pushed it with his shoulder before entering.
"Where's Bian Nan?" Dad looked behind him, "Have you two eaten yet?"
"Eat," Qiu Yi set up the table, and put the porridge in front of his father, "We both ate meat, so we didn't come in until we were done, so as not to irritate you."
"He's gone?" Dad picked up the spoon and stirred in the bowl.
"No, let's go outside." Qiu Yi sat down beside the bed and smiled, "Why, do you want to talk to him again?"
"Don't talk, the child may be scared by me," Dad sighed, stirring the spoon in the porridge all the time, "I have no appetite, I can't eat it."
"The doctor said that he will give you nutritional injections in the afternoon, so you can't bear it if you can't eat." Qiu Yi said.
Dad didn't speak, the spoon was still stirring back and forth in the porridge, Qiu Yi looked at the spoon, and the spoon made him feel a little confused.
It should be messy.
"Tell me, I've been chatting with the doctor for so long." Dad finally opened his mouth after stirring for a long time.
Qiu Yi didn't make a sound, just reached out and took the spoon away, and put the lid on the lunch box again.
"The problem with the bile duct is not small, I guess," Dad smiled, "Is it cancer?"
Qiu Yi repeatedly pressed the lid of the lunch box for a while, then got up and put the lunch box on the side table, standing with his back to his father, staring at the lunch box without moving.
"I can't sleep all night because of the pain," Dad said softly, "I guess it's all right, it's nothing."
Qiu Yi closed his eyes, took a breath, squeezed his hands in his pockets several times, until his knuckles hurt, he turned around slowly, and sat back on the bed.
"You were in pain before," Qiu Yi stared at his father, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"You want to scold me?" Dad clicked his tongue and smiled, "I don't care anymore, why don't you keep saying that I regard death as my home?"
"Seeing death as home and courting death are two different things." Qiu Yi said.
"Xiao Yi," Dad sighed, "We have conflicts, irreconcilable ones."
Qiu Yi didn't speak.
"You are a filial child, sensible, and responsible," Dad looked at him, "I was really proud in the early days, although my old Qiu family... But I have a son that no one can compare to, and I feel proud when I think about it."
Dad grabbed his hand, and Qiu Yi could feel his dad's hand was cold, and he had no strength to hold him hard, only trembling slightly.
"I used to think that you were working too hard, but as time went on, I felt something was wrong," Dad paused, looked at him and continued, "All things, bothering and depressing, will disappear when I come to you. The reaction that a normal person should have, nothing like being angry or bored, this...is not normal."
"I'm done reacting outside." Qiu Yi frowned.
"Fighting?" Dad smiled helplessly, "This is not normal. It is not normal to need to fight to relieve emotions."
"So?" Qiu Yi almost knew what his father wanted to say.
These words, which were the same as confessing the funeral, made him feel a pain in his heart, and he couldn't breathe because of the throbbing pain.
"This is the contradiction between us," Dad said slowly, as if he was thinking, "You want to take care of me so that I can live a good life, and I hope you don't live like this anymore."
Qiu Yi grabbed his father's hand tightly: "You have to live well, how I live is my business."
"It's boring," my dad clicked, "it's boring, I'm boring living like this, and it's too uncomfortable... What's the doctor's plan?"
"Surgery or conservative treatment," Qiu Yi said in a hoarse voice, "I think surgery should be done, you are young..."
"Treat conservatively. It's too late. There is no hope after the operation. The doctor must have told you, don't lie to me," Dad interrupted him, "I can't take it anymore. You know my lungs are not good now. Nothing in my stomach is good, I don’t want to torment myself, torment you, no, mainly because I don’t want to torment myself.”
Qiu Yi didn't speak, his hands were shaking violently. From knowing that his father had a gallbladder problem to yesterday knowing that it was cancer, all the psychological defenses he had built for himself began to crack a little bit because of these words of his father.
"Look," Dad looked at him, "look in the mirror, a normal child of this age, would it be your reaction to know this kind of thing? I don't want to do this anymore. I'm bored and tired. ... miss your mother."
Qiu Yi suddenly turned his head away, stared at the TV on the wall, and suppressed the tears that were about to burst out at this moment.
I miss your mother.
This sentence made Qiu Yi almost collapse.
In the past ten years, he has carried all the hard work, all the injustice, and all the indifference. He just wants his father to live in peace and comfort.
Dad's words almost shattered all his persistence.
"It's hard, what I said is a bit too serious," Dad patted his hand, "I didn't think about it so carefully before, you, your brother, I avoided thinking about it, just Think about your mother when there is no one around, until Mr. Bian Nan comes to the house..."
Qiu Yi stared, and turned his head to look at Dad after a while.
"I found that Bian Nan is quite amazing," Dad smiled, "You have changed after staying with him for a long time, do you feel it yourself?"
"What change?" Qiu Yi said, his voice was so dry that he could hardly utter a sound.
"You have become cheerful, you talk a lot, and occasionally you can be silly," Dad said halfway through, tilting his head and coughing a few times, and then said with a smile, "I suddenly felt that my son should be like this Ah, children of this age should be like this, and you are too... perverted."
"You're a pervert." Qiu Yi frowned.
Dad laughed for a long time, and after a while of silence, he smiled again and said, "Xiao Yi, I have a serious matter to discuss with you."
"Speak." Qiu Yi looked at him.
"If... if in the end I... can't do it," Dad said softly, "Don't delay, what about intubation and ventilator, it's too painful, I don't want it."
Qiu Yi didn't speak.
"Did you hear that?" Dad looked at him.
"No." Qiu Yi stood up, he couldn't accept what his father said to him now, it was still like this.
"You can use your reason in this matter." Dad said.
"No," Qiu Yi looked at him, "No."
Bian Nan couldn't sit on the bench, firstly because he was not at ease, and secondly because there was not enough heating in the corridor, he felt cold after sitting for a long time.
Qiu Yi entered the ward and didn't come out for more than an hour. He walked from one end to the other in the corridor, and then from the other end to this end. He couldn't count the number of times he walked back and forth.
In the middle, he also saw doctors and nurses running into a ward pushing instruments, which made him panic for a while.
After finally waiting for another half an hour, the door of Qiu's father's ward opened, and Qiu Yi walked out with his head down, smoking a cigarette.
"Is your father okay?" Bian Nan rushed to him.
"Well," Qiu Yi walked towards the fire exit with a cigarette in his hand, "Have a cigarette with me."
Bian Nan followed him into the fire escape, walked down two more floors, and stood by the window.
Qiu Yi lit a cigarette and dangled, looking out the window.
"How was the chat going?" Bian Nan asked, Qiu Yi's appearance made him feel scared and distressed, he wanted to go up to hug him, but he didn't dare to move after struggling for a long time.
"He refuses surgery," Qiu Yi said, "Conservative treatment is required, and conservative treatment is basically waiting for death."
"Don't you tell him not to let him know?" Bian Nan couldn't control his voice and shouted out.
"He guessed it," Qiu Yi glanced at him, "Besides, if there is an operation, he will always know."
"Then the surgery, why didn't he have the surgery?" Bian Nan's voice trembled, what's going on with Papa Qiu
"It has been delayed for a long time. The doctor said that the operation...doesn't have much effect, and his body will not be able to take it anymore." Qiu Yi could not hear any emotion in his voice, and his face was calm, "He didn't want to either, saying it was too uncomfortable. .”
"Then what should we do? Just...stay here?" Bian Nan couldn't accept such an answer.
Qiu Yi didn't speak, his eyes still fell outside the window.
"You didn't persuade me any more?" Bian Nan asked.
"Bian Nan," Qiu Yi looked away, took a puff of cigarette and looked at him, "What kind of person do you think... I am?"
"Ah?" Bian Nan was taken aback, "It's pretty good."
"Really." Qiu Yi pinched his cigarette and continued to look at him.
"It's pretty good, he's handsome, smart, sensible, and reliable," Bian Nan didn't know why Qiu Yi suddenly asked, "What's wrong?"
"Pervert?" Qiu Yi asked.
"Pervert?" Bian Nan had the urge to touch Qiu Yi's forehead to see if he had a fever, "I don't think I like a pervert."
Qiu Yi smiled, put his hands in his pockets, leaned against Bian Nan, lowered his head and pressed his forehead on his shoulder, and said in a low voice, "I've changed since I was with you, I love talking and laughing I'm going to be stupid again..."
"Really," Bian Nan hugged him lightly, "Isn't it good? Your father... said that?"
"Well," Qiu Yi's voice was a little muffled, "Because of this, he thinks that I'm...unlike a normal person because of him, so he doesn't want to drag me down anymore, and he doesn't want to lie half dead and hang in the hospital anymore."
The hand that Bian Nan was about to clap on Qiu Yi's back suddenly stopped in the air.
All the sounds around him disappeared, Bian Nan felt a dead silence around his ears, and his mind was completely blank, especially like his white T-shirt that had been washed with detergent.
"What time is it?" Qiu Yi raised his head and asked softly.
"Let me see..." Bian Nan came back to his senses, took out his phone and glanced at it, "It's past three o'clock."
"Help me pick up Er Bao from school and send him over," Qiu Yi said, raising his hand to touch his face, "I don't want to move now."
"Okay," Bian Nan nodded, "I just promised Erbao to pick him up."
"Go back and have a good sleep at night," Qiu Yi looked at him, "I feel that your complexion is not very good."
"You're mistaken, I'm the skin color," Bian Nan grinned, and took another breath, "Then... I'll go pick up Er Bao first, and then you can accompany your dad."
"En." Qiu Yi responded.
Bian Nan glanced at him, opened his mouth to say something, but in the end he remained silent, turned around and walked downstairs along the stairs.
Qiu Yi looked at his back, took out another cigarette and lit it, and slowly squatted down against the wall.
sorry.
I'm sorry Bennan.
When Qiu Yi said that sentence, Bian Nan's reaction made him immediately regret it.
He shouldn't say such words to Bian Nan who has been tense at this time.
Bian Nan is not him, Bian Nan is not wrong, Bian Nan should not suffer any harm because of this matter.
But he couldn't bear it any longer. His father's illness and the words his father had never told him made him suffer.
He has nowhere to vent, and the feeling of wanting to cry but unable to cry and not daring to cry is unbearable.
In the end, he chose to put his own pressure on Bian Nan without thinking, and unreasonably put the pain that had nothing to do with Bian Nan on Bian Nan.
sorry.
Qiu Yi slammed the cigarette butt out on the ground and closed his eyes.
Tears welled up uncontrollably at this moment.
He bit his lip and put his head in his hands, trying to control himself.
But I couldn't stop it.
It's been a long time since I cried like this, the tears can't be stopped, and I can't stop like I'm having fun.
He pulled his hair hard.
Finally, he cried out in his arms.
Bian Nan picked up Qiu Yan, who was jumping happily because he wanted to see his brother, from school, took a taxi and went straight to the hospital.
"What's for dinner?" Qiu Yan writhed in his arms on the back seat without stopping.
"Buy something to eat later, you can bring it to your brother," Bian Nan touched his head, and put the yogurt and beef jerky he bought for him into his hands, "I... have something to do at night, so I won't go with you We ate together."
"Ah?" Qiu Yan was a little disappointed, "Then can you come tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow...I will go to work tomorrow," Bian Nan smiled, "I took a day off today, and I have to go to work honestly tomorrow..."
"Then what about after get off work?" Qiu Yan asked after him.
"It depends." Bian Nan leaned on the backrest and sighed softly.
After buying dinner, Bian Nan watched Qiu Yan carry the bag into the elevator of the inpatient department, was stunned for a while, turned around and walked out of the hospital.
He took a taxi back to Yang Xu's house, took a shower and changed his clothes. He checked the time, took out his mobile phone and called Wan Fei: "Come out for dinner."
"Okay!" Wan Fei said immediately, "Where do we meet?"
"Whatever you say, I'll go directly there." Bian Nan said in a muffled voice.
"Brother Nan, are you okay?" Wan Fei hesitated for a moment, "You sound like you're in a bad mood?"
"Whether it's good or not doesn't affect the meal, don't talk nonsense, let's talk about the place." Bian Nan said.
Wan Fei reported the name of the restaurant: "Do you know where it is? If you take a taxi and say the one on the second ring road, the driver knows it."
"En." Bian Nan hung up the phone.
I haven't seen Wan Fei for two or three months. When Bian Nan took a taxi and got off at the entrance of the hotel, he saw Wan Fei jumping under a tree with his neck curled up. For no reason, he wanted to hug Wan Fei and cry. .
"Fuck, Brother Nan, your face... even the black skin can't cover your blackened face..." Wan Fei rushed over and shouted, "What's wrong with you?"
"There's a lot of fucking nonsense," Bian Nan glanced at him, "I'm hungry, eat."
"Okay, I'm hungry too," Wan Fei hooked his shoulders and walked into the restaurant, "Tell me slowly when you're full."
There were a lot of people in the restaurant, and it was very lively. They found a small table in the corner and sat down.
Wan Fei didn't ask him what he wanted to eat, he ordered food directly with the waiter, and ordered a bottle of white wine: "Have a drink?"
"Are you responsible for the fall?" Bian Nan looked at him.
"Go to sleep at my house," Wan Fei said with a smile, "I'll carry you."
"Okay." Bian Nan nodded.
Bian Nan was not very hungry, or he didn't know if he was hungry or not, Xiaoweiwei didn't give him a signal.
Wan Fei ordered a small hot pot with a clear soup base. When Bian Nan saw the plate of Flammulina velutipes in the dish, he was delighted, and smiled at the Flammulina velutipes for a long time.
"I haven't had a drink yet..." Wan Fei poured him a glass of wine from a small cup, and poured himself another glass from a glass, "Come on, take a sip."
Bian Nan picked up the glass and clinked it lightly with him, raised his head and poured the wine into his mouth.
"Huh?" Wan Fei was stunned, "Can we get drunk and pass out under the table after dinner?"
"That's just how much." Bian Nan felt the wine burn down his mouth and into his stomach. The indescribable spiciness made people feel quite happy. He looked at the small cup in his hand, which was not much bigger than his thumb. It was similar to Wan Fei's. Compared with the glass, it is so small that you can't find it if you don't pay attention.
"It's half the money already," Wan Fei clicked his tongue, and poured him another small glass, "Okay, let's sip this glass."
"Yeah." Bian Nan picked up a chopstick of Flammulina velutipes and put it in the pot.
Bian Nan used to hear people say that people who are in a bad mood are easy to get drunk when they drink. He feels that he is in a bad mood now, but after drinking two glasses of wine, he can add up to more than a penny. According to his drinking capacity, he is still not drunk.
Kind of magical.
But drunk or not, his head felt hot and dizzy, and he would shake when looking at things, so he could only stare at Wan Fei.
"Tell me, what happened, we have nothing to say," Wan Fei patted himself on the chest, "My buddy is just talking about things."
Bian Nan stared at him for a while, then lay down on the table: "Qiu Yi's father is hospitalized, bile duct cancer may be in the advanced stage."
"What?" Wan Fei was stunned, and forgot to eat a piece of meat.
In the past two days, Bian Nan finally realized what it was like for Qiu Yi to keep everything in his heart.
I can't say it, I have nowhere to say it, and I have to grit my teeth and pretend that nothing is wrong, which is uncomfortable.
He was so depressed that he wanted to tremble.
Now Wan Fei was sitting opposite him, his best buddy, and he suddenly felt that those things stuck in his chest had found their way out.
Once he started talking, he couldn't stop. He didn't eat much food, but just took small sips of wine.
In the end, he couldn't remember what he said, and Wan Fei felt his nose sore when he pressed a tissue to the corner of his eyes.
"His father felt that it was wrong for Qiu Yi to keep carrying it like this because of me. It was because of me. Because of me, he didn't want to treat him anymore..." Bian Nan spoke vaguely, probably because Jiu Jin started to seize the territory.
because I.
He said this sentence over and over again, and Wan Fei finally had to pat him on the face: "Brother Nan, what I said may not sound good, so you can just listen to it."
"Say." Bian Nan knocked the cup on the table.
"I don't think anyone blames you. Qiu Yi's father didn't mean anything when he said this to Qiu Yi. He just thought he was working hard. Qiu Yi didn't blame you for telling you this..." Wan Fei stood up and sat beside him , also lying on the table and whispering.
"But it's because of me..." Bian Nan frowned.
"I haven't finished my sentence yet, I'm not going to say something nice," Wan Fei patted him, "His dad just doesn't want to suffer any more, it doesn't matter if he doesn't want to have surgery, even if he has surgery...it might not be...well."
"What did you say?" Bian Nan suddenly raised his head and stared at him.
"It's not very pleasant to say what I said, but you're off topic now, do you know that?" Wan Fei also frowned, "His father's reluctance to have surgery has nothing to do with you, and you're off topic too far."
"Then why did Qiu Yi tell me this?" Bian Nan stared at him, "Why did he tell me? Tell me, it would be nice if I didn't show up, his father won't be sad because of me and Qiu Yi , maybe he won't be sick, and he won't be making trouble for Qiu Yi at this time... "
Bian Nan's voice lowered: "It would be great if I wasn't here..."