Later, they sat on the ground leaning against the corner together, Su Song greedily leaned his head on his shoulder.
Holding each other's hands still.
The palm is twice as warm.
Su Song has almost eased up, she chuckled and asked, "You said, why?"
Wang Zhao was puzzled, "Huh?"
Su Song lowered his eyes slightly and said, "Why can I cry in front of you easily?"
When she had just embraced boldly, Su Song realized that as long as she was in front of him, all her emotions were normal. No longer just forbearance, but normal happiness, sadness and joy. It will not be suppressed, but will only express.
The life that has been controlled by the disease is so free!
A feeling of being finally rescued, free enough to feel that in the next second, he can fly high with the wind. Fly away from all pain. Those fears and emptiness that bound her daily have really disappeared. Dissipated without a trace.
Wang Zhao smiled and asked, "Is it because I'm too bad?"
Su Song shook his head, "I just suddenly realized that I seem to have not cried for almost three years. But today I cried more than once!"
After a short pause, Su Song continued, “I didn’t cry in those three years, not because I was strong, nor because I had a good life in the past three years, but because I really couldn’t cry. Sometimes I felt very uncomfortable. But I just can't cry.
Later, I found the answer in the Octopus girl.
Her arrogance, her crying and laughing, and the way she handles her emotions is something I have not and impossible to do.
Because there is something in me that sounds very advanced. My parents taught me since I was a child, something called nurture. Let me be deeply shackled here.
There are three rules that I must abide by since I was young, three must and three not.
Must be tidy, must be calm, must be indifferent.
Don't be noisy and sloppy, don't cry easily, don't admit helplessness.
So it is possible to develop a habit called Yin Ren. No matter how much admiration or how bad the problem is, I can only say nothing with expressionless face.
Education requires me to be tidy and self-control at all times, to smile and be calm, and to live like a monkey that will be likable in a zoo.
So over time, this ability to cry is'retired', and laughter is of course'used'.
But even if you keep laughing, that smile is false. It has a shackle that I can't get rid of. "
That paragraph was very calm, and she laughed like she couldn't restrain herself after she said it. She asked, "So Wang Zhao, do you have a magic? A magic that makes people cry."
Wang Zhao also laughed, "Don't cry princess, do you want to say, am I the prince of tears?"
In this situation, such jokes were not very wise, so they were quiet again.
After a while Su Song said, "Would you like to hear a story about a girl who loves to laugh?"
There used to be a popular saying: Girls who love to laugh are not too bad luck.
But what about excessive laughter
What about a "forced smile" that is shown to others
There is a kind of "inferiority complex" that does not dare to express the true self but is always good at wronging oneself.
So sometimes, too much laughter can also be a disease.
—
Su Song remembers clearly that the last time he cried in these years was the day when Wu Huaiyue went abroad.
When I saw the plane take off, my tears fell just like that, without warning.
But also without warning, in the next three years, he lost the ability to cry.
"That year, I went to graduate school. That summer, I found an internship. But during the internship, something very small but enough to destroy my life happened.
My boss at the time was a middle-aged man, and he treated me very well. At first I thought it was just a predecessor's care for the younger generation. But then it slowly began to change...
Don't use ulterior language, intentional or unintentional physical contact, and even... Once in his office, he jumped directly on... "
This is a prelude to a story that people are accustomed to.
There are too many things like this, it's not uncommon, it's also very clichéd, and it doesn't even attract people's pity.
But even so, Su Song still breathed subconsciously to make himself feel better. At the same time, she squeezed Wang Zhao's hand harder. She needed a response and the strength to continue speaking.
She thought that it had been so long, and she should be able to speak calmly, but after all, there was no way.
Although there was no tragedy in the end at that time, but this incident cast a whole darkness in her heart. No matter how much sunlight shines in, it can't get rid of the darkness.
She didn't know that such things were happening all the time.
The only difference is that when it happens to oneself, it is a real personal pain, rather than a so-called pity that has nothing to do with oneself.
That kind of pain, even the evil nightmare that you can't get rid of in a lifetime.
In the most direct manifestation, she will subconsciously fear contact with people, regardless of men and women. It's just that today this fear also got a new exception from Wang Zhao.
Su Song continued to say after a while, "I didn't go to work afterwards. I was in a daze during that period, and I didn't go to graduate school until the end.
To be honest, looking back now, this is a small thing as long as you can see it openly.
But I don't know how, I just couldn't get over it at the time, so such a so-called trivial matter produced an unimaginable butterfly effect, turning my life upside down. "
Su Song was silent for a while, and then began to sob slightly. She said, "I really never thought it would be like this... I don't want it... but that's it..."
When Su Song said this, Wang Zhao understood it, he could understand it, and he could empathize.
There was also such a so-called trivial matter in his life, and then it destroyed all that he was almost certain about the future.
Wang Zhao stretched out his free left hand to cover their interlocking hands, patted gently and said, "It's okay, I'll be there later."
In life, it is always inevitable to have such helpless things, but there is no way, it just happened.
Moreover, you have to accept it.
The direction they were sitting on was facing the bright moon, and the moonlight was just facing them.
"On the day of my diagnosis, this intermittently tormenting emotion finally gave me a clear and complete face and name.
It was a disease of smog all over, persuading oneself to look away like putting on a mask. But we are also clear that the role of masks is insignificant.
So longing for death, too much for relief.
how to say! It's too much like a dyspnea disease, and it is dyspnea that hurts the whole body.
So uncomfortable, so uncomfortable... ”
This is a very long, very long passage, about Su Song's past, and not known about her.
She has never cleared up the past in such a complete way, let alone mentioned it to anyone.
Now, she finally said it all.
About that shameful thing, about that strange disease, and about her real pain and vulnerability.
She said everything.
She is not like a person involved, she is just a narrator, speaking so lightly, as light as the evening breeze of this early autumn, if there is nothing.
But then she beat the drum again.
She said, "I have cut my veins."
Su Song took away Wang Zhao's left hand, and then broke the interlocking hand, she put her left hand palm up.
Under the dim moonlight, there was a scar.