In the warm summer night in my memory, there are green rice fields under the starry sky, and the night wind gently swaying and waving, startling the sound of frogs. There was a warm yellow light in the room. At that time, I was sitting on a small stool, holding the old car lens I picked up with both hands. My sister's hand was gently caressing the back of my head, and my voice was as soft and warm as every moment in my memory. .
"The hair is very long, will it be hot during the day?"
"Is it bald again?"
"No, our Jiaming has grown up, and I'm going to cut your hair a little more beautifully... Hold the mirror up."
"Oh… "
However, in the summer of that year, I still wore a shaved head with a file on my way to school every day, and I put a plaster on it for the first few days. My sister's hair cutting skills have always been difficult to improve. At the moment when I suddenly felt pain in my head, I even had the urge to understand these two words literally - hair cutting...
However, in the years that followed, I never cared about any issues related to head shape. The only thing that reminded me over and over again was the countless ugly bald heads cut by my sister when I was a child. I can clearly know that what really matters to you is not the hairstyle on your head, but who is behind you who creates the hairstyle for you.
My surname is Gu, Gu Jiaming; my sister's surname is Jian, Jian Suyan. This means that we are not biological siblings, and it's hard to say exactly when we started this life together, but that's how it happened. We are all orphans, my sister is two years older than me.
In the beginning, we lived in that remote small mountain village. The village was very backward and had no roads, but there was electricity, a village chief, a village committee, and family planning. Many years later, when I think about it, I can't help but wonder, why would there still be such villages in China in the 1990s? I let my sister and I, two children in their early teens, live alone and no one cares. In my memory, the village was unusually cold, and they heard each other's voices, but they didn't even say hello when they met each other. The village cadres who came to the door were as stiff as an old silent black-and-white film.
When I was nine years old and my sister was eleven years old, a wealthy businessman more than ten miles away set up a Hope Primary School, and all the children nearby could attend it for free. So my sister and I got the chance to go to school at the same time, and we spent four years at the school. At the same time, we were planting a small paddy field with great difficulty, relying on a little money occasionally brought by a distant relative who had never met, and we spent the worry-free time with a full meal and a hungry meal. Carefree childhood. Then my sister started to get sick. At that time, I knew that it was called congenital heart disease, and the hope of cure was close to zero.
We dropped out of school when my sister started getting sick. I was thirteen and my sister was fifteen. When I was young, I had a lively personality and was slapstick, but my sister didn't grow very fast due to illness. Before long I became taller and stronger than my sister, and occasionally went to work in a neighboring town to save money to treat my sister's illness. I still vividly remember the first time I got paid to buy back that bottle of pills for my sister, maybe it wasn't the right medicine - in fact it was impossible for me to buy the right medicine at the time - I just listened The barefoot doctor in town said the drug was probably good for the heart, so he bought it. At that time, my always strong sister held the medicine bottle and cried. For the first time in my life, I felt relieved and at a loss.
From then on I was desperately looking for ways to make money, and by the time I was fifteen, I started collecting protection money around town with some older kids who said it was easy to get money this way. However, at that time, my sister's condition began to worsen, and the money was not enough. After a year, I began to develop to a deeper level. At that time, young and dangerous boys became popular around the town, so gangs began to appear. During that time, I did everything. During the day, he went out to work, and at night, he followed a group of people to collect protection fees. Occasionally, there were fights. The money really came quickly, but my sister's condition was like a bottomless pit, and I started to get restless.
When I was seventeen, I took my sister to a big city with better medical care and more opportunities to "get rich". It was at that time that my sister discovered the fact that I had been hiding the fact that I had been hiding, and began to persuade countless times.
"I can't look back, sister, this is the only way I can make money... If I can cure you, I don't care about anything... "
But in fact, during that time, I didn't get along very well in the **. Because I had to save money to treat my sister's illness, I was so stingy that I didn't want to spend a penny. At the same time, I didn't have any real friends, and I didn't have any extra communication. I just worked hard everywhere with a ruthless energy, and I didn't have a chance to get ahead. I didn't dare to let anyone around me know about my sister. I didn't dare to let anyone know about my weakness - only my sister can't be lost. .
After my sister's 22nd birthday, her condition continued to deteriorate, and there was no more way to make money. For the first time, I released the clues inside the ** to receive the police's secret flowers. However, such secret flowers are not many after all. . At the end of the autumn when I was 20, I secretly swallowed a huge sum of money belonging to the **, hoping to save my sister's life. During that time, the underground forces in the whole city were swayed by my actions. People were looking for this incident everywhere. At that time, no one suspected me, but for various reasons, I was seriously injured twice. Three months later, my sister closed her eyes forever in the cold ward of the hospital because of suicide.
She wrote in her will that she did not want to drag anyone down...
I still remember the shape of the snowflakes that fell that winter, when a soul was taken to heaven in that indifferent snowy day, and at the same time it obscured the only light in my life. I didn’t have much hope since I was a child, maybe it’s because my life is so urgent that I can’t have other expectations. I just hope that my sister will live and live well. Over the past ten years, my sister died, and the half of my life that was tied to my sister was finally reduced to ashes.
Soon after, the money was finally revealed. I killed five people in hysteria and escaped from the city with my sister's ashes. I experienced countless dangers on the way. Then, in a desperate pursuit, I was killed. A few knives, dying. After being rescued, I became a killer, and at the same time, I began to touch the "inner world" that was really hidden under the darkness of this world.
Dead Bodhi - Pei Luojia. This is the name of the largest killer organization that has lasted for hundreds of years and covered the world. In two years, I received all the basic training for killers and became a low-level killer of Pei Luojia. Before that, I didn't think I would be a good fit for the killer profession, but within a few years, my grades and experience continued to improve, and I built a name in the killer world far faster than the rest of my peers. Twelve years later, at thirty-two, I became one of Pei Luojia's top killers.
For more than ten years, I never thought about anything in my heart, but immersed myself in killing and blood, cold steel, guns, long sights, the moment when I leaned over to pull the trigger, recoil, gunpowder The breath, the explosion of the head "bang", the blood boiling, the staggering with the enemy, the sound of the knife cutting into the flesh, the sound of shaving between the bones, the stare of death, dodging, passing the bullet... I dare not think of my sister, even if In the deepest night, I didn't dare to look back on the past. I used to work so hard and so persistently to save my sister's life. What I couldn't bear was that it was me who killed my sister in the end.
That's right, I'm the culprit!
In the summer of 2012, thirteen years had passed since my sister died. By coincidence, I returned to the city again, opened an ancient safe, and took out my sister's last relics. My sister wrote three diaries in the last two years of her life. I didn't take it with me when I left. face.
However, something has to have an ending in the end, and what should be faced has to be faced. I went back to the small village where we used to live, and the house we used to live in has become an abandoned house. I cleaned up the messy space, put on the dim lamps, and opened the diary with the sound of frogs. Thirteen years later, the memory engulfed me like a flood.
For a few days, I was immersed in those diaries and couldn't wake up. I could clearly see my sister's pain and worry in the past two years. I'm on a path of no return. At that time, my sister saw the struggle and despair in me. She knew that after her death, I would be in a state of doom, but she couldn't imagine it at that time, and she complained that the person who caused such a situation was actually I love her the most. I could see concerns about me throughout the entire diary, as if it were my diary and not hers.
"...Jia Ming was injured again today, on his left back, because he looked unnatural when he came to hug me, I touched it there by accident, he smiled brightly, and kept telling me the anecdote of Miss Nurse, I know that's what he looked like when he was in pain..."
"...Today, the hospital pressed for payment. Jiaming didn't come back until late at night. He had an injury on his face, but he still paid the medical bills. I haven't seen him go out for a long time. I know that he got medicine in the hospital, so he just found a bench to sleep on. This year, he spent most of his time on the hospital bench. Yes. I found him from the first floor to the third floor, and I saw him in a remote corner. I can't go and call him, he will be embarrassed... "
"... A few days ago, Nurse Li told me that she was rescued by Jiaming two days ago. She met a robber on the road, but the man was beaten by Jiaming and drove away. She said that Jiaming was a good person. I know... Jiaming is actually kind at heart. Since he was a child, he has a very lively personality and likes to help people. It has not been like this over the years, but I know that his kind heart is still there. He has become taciturn because he is very Bitter, he was dragged down by me..."
"... Jiaming was seriously injured, I don't want to implicate him like this again... "
"… Jiaming cried because I refused to take medicine. For the first time in the past few years, I saw him cry in front of me. I lied to him that the first two days were just because I was in a bad mood and my menstrual period came. , this time is very fierce, there will be no such thing again, I'm sorry, Jiaming... At that time, I really wanted to say that if you were a good person, I would work hard for treatment, but I knew I couldn't say that, how could I still How could it hurt his heart like this? Jiaming, will you be able to see this diary one day? When you can see it, maybe all the nightmares have passed, or all the nightmares have ended, but in any case, Even if I'm gone, you can live well, okay? Live like a good person. I know it's naive to say that. You once told me for a while that maybe you can only survive if you are cruel enough in this world. I'm not happy, so you won't say it. Do you still think that way now? Maybe it's because you have protected your sister too well in the past few years. I always look forward to it naively. I hope that you are not just for me. Well, people in this world, don't take the initiative to hinder others. Jiaming, if you do it, my sister will work hard to climb down from the sky, huh..."
After that, I left Pei Luojia
I don't know how to be a good person anymore. Over the years, I have actively hindered others countless times. On that day, I put down everything and surrendered to the highest security agency in the country.
However, what awaited me was not judgment and death, but the warmest welcome in the "inner world", after which I began to do things for the country. It's still killing and fighting, they tell me it's righteousness, for the country, for the nation, for goodness, I don't know if this is right, but the only thing I understand is that this may not be the kindness I'm after, what I'm looking for is just Even that kind of small thing can only take into account the kindness and peace of mind of my sister and me. However, in any case, this may be the only thing I can do at the moment. Over the years, I have not learned anything, and everything I will do is to kill - I will only kill.
In 2013, environmental problems led to global natural disasters, grain harvests in countless countries failed, and then, under the manipulation of some people with intentions, a global financial crisis broke out, followed by wars.
It may not be called the third world war, but the secret battles between the major powers are getting more and more fierce, and the terrorist incidents have skyrocketed. Pei Luojia has become an international terrorist giant. target, followed by a large-scale hunt.
In order not to implicate others, I left the anti-terrorist team I was in at the time and went into battle alone. For a whole year, I traveled to dozens of countries and spent each and every battle. It was the most dangerous year. , numerous serious injuries and escapes. A year later, I miraculously survived. Almost thousands of people in Pei Luojia's headquarters and more than ten branches in Asia, Europe, America, and Africa died directly or indirectly under my hands. These people are killers or warriors with a long history of life and death. After that, Pei Luojia disintegrated.
After Pei Luojia's incident, I was promoted to the leader of the second anti-terrorism group, responsible for domestic anti-terrorism affairs. My direct subordinates have a team of more than 30 people, all of whom are first-class people who have experienced the dark world. In my opinion No one is worse than me. In fact, at the time, I didn't know how to become a team leader. Everything could only be done in the same way as when I was a killer. After a few years, I solved a lot of thorny problems. They always mix together when there is nothing, and the feelings accumulated on the line of life and death are extremely strong. But I gradually became unsure of how to communicate with people. I could remember everyone's code name during the battle, but once I left the battle, I couldn't even tell who they were. I hid in the room all day thinking, read the diary left by my sister, read some books that are said to help the soul, I know that those subordinates have said with great admiration: "He even read Hegel..." But I have been unable to find anything from it. I can analyze why I have become the character I am now, but I have no idea how to change myself into a normal person.
unless it's my sister...
In 2017, one of his subordinates said to me privately, "Captain, let's get married... Let me take care of you." She was a very beautiful woman, and the only killer who once belonged to Pei Luojia. Cold, I remember her code name is Firefox, but the name has been forgotten. Why would she say such a thing? I put down my sister's diary, stared at her for a long time, and then shook my head gently.
In 2018, we had a conflict with the most powerful dark force in Europe, the "Dark Lyra". That winter, I led the members of the second group directly to the headquarters of the Dark Lyra in Venice, where I and the darkness Lyra's leader, the "Queen", went into battle. In that battle, my spine was permanently injured. After returning to the motherland, the dark wounds I suffered in the past two decades occurred at the same time. Even if the medical level has been extremely developed, it cannot really save me. After a few major surgeries, I lost the ability to move, and I can only move my left hand slightly, and I can only speak with difficulty. Thanks to the credit, the state built a convalescent villa in the small village of my original hometown, and I have lived there ever since.
Half a year later, it was summer evening again. The night wind swayed the grass and trees, the color of the sunset was very good, but there was a thundercloud in the sky on the other side. I was in a wheelchair and went from the platform on the second floor of the villa. This place has been built into a scenic area, and there are beautiful scenery outside. However, the scenery that my sister and I saw have disappeared. Where did you go with your sister? With his left hand, he stroked the old diary on the chair frame. In a trance, my sister seemed to be behind me again and stroked my hair.
"It's summer again, your head will be hot, let's help you get a nice haircut... Hold the mirror up a bit..."
I closed my eyes gently: "Yeah... a lot of hair..."
The man behind him leaned down, but it wasn't my sister, and I knew it wasn't my sister.
"Major General, what did you say?"
"It's nothing... Miss Lan, you go down first and leave me alone... Someone should come over in a while, you entertain them for me, but the glass door of the balcony is closed, I just want to be alone... "
"Okay, Major General, I'll call you again when you're taking your medicine..."
The nurse left the platform, and the glass door closed. I closed my eyes and felt my sister's breath. At that moment, I knew my sister was back, and so was I.
I don't know how long it took, it seemed like a lifetime, and it seemed like it was just the moment when I closed my eyes. Someone was knocking on the glass door behind. It was the girl codenamed Firefox. What's her name? I suddenly remembered, and when I opened my eyes, I remembered everything. The nurse surnamed Lan was explaining something to her, but she seemed anxious and kept slamming on the glass door. Her voice was faintly heard, merging with the sound of wind, trees, and faint thunder in the sky...
"Sister... If I keep the promise..."
The dazzling white light suddenly rendered everyone's eyes, and a huge lightning flashed across the sky. After a while, the roaring thunder suddenly resounded here.
On May 21, 2019, that day, I suddenly felt that I had wasted a long time and years before waiting for the thunder to come...
1,
Memories of the past.
The feeling of the past.
All that is long gone, like hallucinations and dreams.
When they came back, the first thing they brought was the huge and unreal fatigue caused by going back and forth in the leisurely time, like the mood of snoozing in the early morning, which seemed to be true and illusory.
The man on the bench moved his little finger, except for him and the long chair, all around were blank, white sky and earth, white space.
already dead…
A blank like a pause in thought. This is not subjective or objective cognition, all cognition does not exist in the present moment. All that can be felt is blankness, and all the strange and familiar feeling, the false feeling, the lost feeling, is just like the constant knocking on the door in a distant place. Then, something was finally rendered like ink...
People's voices, the sound of rain, illness, the bright white lamps above the head, one after another, dazzlingly bright, the breath of medicine, the breath of people, the breath of boredom, the breath of impetuousness, the nurse in white clothes As he passed by, his pupils swayed suddenly.
I don't understand my situation, I don't understand where I am, I don't even understand who I am, what I am The old clockwork with clockwork is like the Loess Plateau that has been dry for countless years. The water droplets fall and are absorbed by the soil, but as they continue to fall, they finally infiltrate the land. The stream, finally poured into the river g, galloping down.
“… Jiaming, Gu Jiaming…”
The voice sounded, someone was gently pushing him, he moved his eyes, and after a long while, the information over there came back, it was a woman, wearing a white nurse uniform, talking, what was she saying, but Just can't hear it intermittently.
"... there is time over there... Gu Jiaming... is he injured... "
So trivial, he moved his hands subconsciously, and he didn't know when he sat up. The female nurse was probably called and trotted away. He sat there, looking at the white around him, and then at his own hands.
In the memory that emerged, he should have been paralyzed. The feeling of this body only exists in the memory of the past, but at this moment, the vitality is like some foreign object to fill the dry body memory, with a top-heavy body. The feeling of dizziness, like after excessive sleep, like he came out of the physiological treatment cabin at the base after a few serious injuries, after recovering from a body that couldn't move for too long, it was such a feeling, and there was also a slight memory crack .
There is a slight pain in the left arm, which has clearly emerged at this time, but the body is very good, like the body when I was young. He couldn't understand such a situation, slapped his somewhat empty head, and something finally emerged. here is…
The hospital where my sister was sent away...
Some emotions poured out of my heart and spread to my whole body in an instant.
That hospital... couldn't possibly still exist. Although he hasn't been here for many years, it can't be like this. He often lies down on the chair in the aisle, surrounded by a bit old white, and the opposite side of the chair is a small smear of blue due to being soaked in the potion. Green - he couldn't fall asleep while lying in the chair and looked at them a lot. And the smell of patients, the smell of potions, and... nurses...
The nurse just now...
He tried to stand up. In his memory, he hadn't felt the body for a long time, but he didn't fall because of it. This body executed those movements smoothly. He supported the wall with his hands, walked forward, and let go of the wall. His eyes flicked across the wards. In the city hospital at the end of the 20th century, the patients in memory, the elderly, children, old-fashioned windows, raindrops outside the balcony, trees in the raindrops, and... The young face reflected on the glass of the ward.
But he didn't stop to look, even if he just glanced at it again and again, it was enough for him to grasp the clear picture. The pace of walking through the corridor was getting faster and faster, and he even avoided the three oncoming people. He tried to Buttoned the zipper of the jacket, but failed twice in a row, then he turned and ran up the stairs, the corner, the third floor, and with a bang, he stepped on the last step of the stairs, fell to the ground, and walked by The man turned his head strangely and glanced at the black-haired young man who could wrestle.
"what… "
The slight pain made him smile, then he stood up and walked towards the corridor in front of him. Wards 312, 314, 316... A nurse who had completed his rounds came over from the front and said a word to him, but he didn't Listen.
He stopped in front of Ward 320 and pushed open the door.
The sound of the rustling rain, the swaying leaves, the clothes hanging on the balcony, the fruit basket on the side of the sick, the patterns on the kettle, in his eyes, all those things came to life in an instant. The color broke free and began to become colorful. Because the woman sitting on the edge of the inner side also caught his eye at that moment.
She was sitting there, her hair draped behind her head, her thin silhouette turned her back.
"what… "
That's... how long ago was that memory
"elder sister… "
He walked over and saw the face in his memory.
My sister was sitting there, flipping through the diary in her hand, smiling at him.
Everything is real.
He left the ward and walked towards the nurse's duty room.
If he can't leave for a while now, he will not be able to really start summarizing everything soberly, although in his heart, the huge desire makes him prefer to sit in that ward all his life.
At least the will that he has cultivated from fighting for many years can at least allow him to clearly distinguish between fantasy and reality. He remembered the thunder, remembered the battle for more than ten years, so it would not be a dream, nor would it be an illusion caused by shock. He recalled everything, no matter what the circumstances were, he was back when he was young, before his sister committed suicide. Whether this is the desired world that people will reach after death, he cannot answer, but everything in front of him is real, not a dream.
There is a little sense of disobedience in my heart, because this is indeed an experience far beyond common sense. But at least there is hope that he can seize it. He looked at his hands. When he was young, this is himself when he was still fighting fiercely. He wanted to treat his sister's illness. He has been raising money, and he is silent. , Fighting and beheading people is done every day, and the injury on the left arm is probably left behind. He still doesn't know the current time, 1998 or 1999, but as long as his sister is not dead, there is a chance.
Can't mix ** - in fact, it is no longer necessary. Confess to my sister, and you can change to another place after confessing. There is hope for my sister's illness. As long as she is willing to treat it, there will always be hope in a few years. If I go to Europe or the United States, my sister's illness can be cured. The only heart disease is in yourself, everything in the future can be planned...
He thought about this, sat down on the chair at the corner of the corridor, took a deep breath, and finally stopped shaking his hands and heart. There was a faint sound from the room behind.
"... my name is Zhao Zhenhe... white-collar workers... I don't know why... "
"Go! Why should I listen to you..."
"My name is Tang Lie... I'm a veteran... "
He revolved about his sister in his heart. None of these strong or cowardly conversations entered his heart, but someone pushed open the door and suddenly said, "Who are you? What are you doing here?" Feeling a bit oppressive, Jiaming turned his head and glanced at the man, but his appearance never entered his mind. Since the other party said so, of course he didn't like him sitting here very much. He was immersed in great joy, so he got up and walked away. Now, go to my sister's side.
Go tell her that you don't do those things anymore.
He walked to the front of the ward, the door was closed, and glanced from the window on the door, his sister was inside, but she was not alone, and there was another woman standing beside the patient, who seemed to be talking, But that's not a nurse, all the nurses in the hospital know each other well.
After hesitating for a moment, my sister's voice also came out. Looking at it from this side, my sister was still sitting beside the sick person, with her back to this place, and she was looking down at the diary.
"...winter of '99...I committed suicide here..."
"Squeak..." The aluminum door handle twisted slightly in his hand and made a sound. When the two women inside turned around, he pushed open the door, showed a shy smile, and walked in.
"Sister, what do you think... uh, this is... "
The elder sister has long hair, but she has short hair that only reaches to the shoulders. The elder sister wears a hospital gown on weekdays, but she is wearing light white underwear. This clothes, the elder sister does not have, she is holding the left hand of the diary. Wearing a black leather glove, the leather glove is worn out to a certain extent. My sister will not wear gloves at this time. Even if she does, there is no such leather glove. A women's beige trench coat that I don't know. My sister doesn't have any friends, and he doesn't know the petite woman next to her.
But when his sister turned to look at him, he knew that it was indeed her sister, and that was the way her sister always looked at him...
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