Around the beginning of 2011, I wrote a New Year's essay, and now I'm going to look it up, the beginning of the essay is like this: "I just walked out of the renovated house an hour ago, it was eleven o'clock in the morning, The sun is out today and it's very warm. I bought a house and handed it over on December 30. Now I have the kitchen and toilet..."
I still remember part of the mood at that time. I said in my essay that life is much better than before. After the decoration is completed, I can breathe a sigh of relief and concentrate on writing these things.
In fact, for more than a year, from the second half of 2010 to the first half of 2011, I went through perhaps the most difficult situation in my entire life—by far.
In order to buy a house, I saved a sum of money, which was not much, only tens of thousands of yuan to pay for the down payment of the house. I'm a person who is used to planning - I'm too lazy to think about most things, but if I have to do it, I usually figure it out - that's just enough for a down payment, maybe a little savings, but not much.
What happened is also very simple. The house was set in the second half of 2010. A few months before the down payment, an uncle came to borrow money. He was doing pyramid schemes in Guilin and lost a lot of money. At this time, his son Getting married, the family has little money to spend, I hope this side can help. My father has some affection for him. I asked about his son's marriage. Their family only took out 20,000 yuan. I took 10,000 yuan from the money to buy the house. Pay me back, and by the time of the down payment date, the money I have on hand will not delay the purchase of the house—although the other party swore that he would pay it back.
However, 10,000 is not enough, and the other party sees that there is still money here, so he will continue to borrow it. His father believed in him very much, and came to help and persuade him, saying that the other party was very trustworthy and a very good person, but the other side said that he still has a shop in Guilin, and in fact, it will be sold in the second half of the year. More than 100,000 and so on, will definitely not delay things here. I believed it, and later borrowed thirty-four thousand—a number I remember very clearly—a sum that may not seem like much now, but it later became a noose around my neck.
Of course, the money was not returned in time. Now that the difficulty has passed, the matter of selling the facade will naturally not be mentioned again. And I really pinched the amount of money too accurately. When the down payment date is approaching, there is not much buffer. At that time, another incident happened. The bank increased the down payment loan from 20% to 30%, and the money on hand was even more insufficient.
It's hard for me to describe how I felt at the time, my parents didn't have much income at that time. My monthly salary of several thousand dollars at home is already a high salary - we bought a house in a small place, and the price is not high, and therefore, once the monthly salary arrives, it is like a small child in a sponge. A glass of water, it always relieves the problem, but the problem always catches up with it.
Maybe in the eyes of some people. These are also minor issues, just ask someone for help. However, for my family at that time, my brother was sick since childhood. During the process of treating him, the family sold the house and the land, and the relatives and friends who could borrow money had basically borrowed it. Second, I was a child. grew up in this environment. Because of these reasons, I didn't even go to university, and I didn't want to borrow money from people. So everything became more and more embarrassing.
This whole process lasted for about a year. From the time I bought the house to the completion of the decoration, what I remember clearly now is the reversal of day and night routines—basically, I go to sleep when I am tired, get up when I get enough sleep, and continue to sit in front of the computer. Codewords or a daze—and seeing the hair that falls on your pillow every day when you turn on the light.
At the age of twenty-five. Lost hair for a year.
The huge burden at that time was mainly psychological. Sometimes I'm so tired I'll cry in the room - but I don't fucking admit it's a sign of my motherfucker.
Speaking of this now is because time has passed. Actually at the time, if I wanted to, for the relief of the situation. I have another way to go.
Find a way to speed up your writing.
I had finished writing "Invisible Kill" at that time, and had a part of the reader base. Although the beginning of "Alienation" was adjusted a lot, the word of mouth was not as good as that of "Invisible Kill", but the actual number of subscriptions was still higher than that of "Invisible Kill" when it was updated. Still more than that. When I was writing "Invisible Kill", there were many voices that asked me to speed up the update, and even more when I was writing "Alienation". And then a large part of my psychological stress during that time actually came from that book.
Now if I want to describe it exactly, the pressure is this: I'm afraid that one day I will compromise with someone, or with something else.
I have always known that people are creatures who seek meaning for the state they are in. For example, if you are addicted to games, you will say that I have gained friendship in it; if you are good at sports, you will say that those who do not exercise are sluts; if you can drink, you will say that if you do not drink, you are not a man; They say that we are moral and pay attention to loyalty; if you write books and write fast, you will say that I have professional ethics; if you write mediocrely, you will say that we are just writing online articles; Is it just for the money?"
If one day, I speed up and even treat this cause with a perfunctory attitude, I will surely find all these reasons for my pride: I have more readers, and more people praise me. , I have a work ethic, and... Since so many people are complimenting me, I clearly wrote a good book.
People search for meaning for where they are, far more often than for a certain meaning.
In fact, during that time, when I was writing alienation, I had more interruptions than usual. First, stress and anxiety affected the state of writing a book. Second, under the influence of stress and anxiety, I was more worried that I would unconsciously, I chose the path that made me feel comfortable. Therefore, under the circumstances of continuous and continuous interruption, I would rather see it more clearly at that time.
That might not be the closest I've come to a compromise.
From one or three years to the present, I have experienced a lot of things in the process of writing. This is not such a clear and orderly year. Sometimes I even feel that this year is a bit muddled. Mainly outside of writing, I've met a lot of people and things - I've begun to see some worlds that may belong to successful people, some paths to "success", some ladders that I might be able to climb - maybe over the years In the trembling writing, I have accumulated a little bit of things...
I was affected by it.
I'm not some tough guy or someone who was born to be pampered and ignorant of the suffering of the people. Every moment I doubt whether some of my persistence is wrong, every moment I worry about whether I can still persevere, and I wonder if I have lost many of my original beliefs. And without knowing it myself, writing a book was such a treacherous and questionable thing for me.
I often talk to people about the idea of writing a book—and whenever someone asks, I say, I want to write the best thing, so I hope it can be better and more perfect. I hope that after my book is written, someone will read it more than when it is serialized, because it is a complete work after it is written. I like writing books, and I get satisfaction from it, so I am willing to pay a part of the money.
In the case of an author, the responses usually fall into several categories. Some people will say with emotion that readers need to be fast, and writing should have professional ethics. When I write XX, three times a day, they can't keep up at all... This is what writing books is about, and some people know it and benefit from it, we are Just make money. How to change faster, how to get monthly tickets, how to earn more, now I have a family and a lot of expenses. Others say that we are just writing online articles, so why are you looking for so many meanings
I usually can only nod nod.
In fact, some people may think that I am arrogant and look down on others. But I actually agree with the first two. No matter what business, I think, to do well, you have to have your own characteristics, and I update the fastest! Satisfied readers, this is the skill. I update the most stable, and readers are satisfied. This is also outstanding. I do my best to make readers feel valued, which is naturally an extremely desirable direction. I think each of us do things, no matter what, we have to choose one direction. It is admirable when I do it well, and even though I am not in the same direction as them, I also admire them. Only for "we just write online articles", I will be somewhat slandered, but it is hard to say more about other people's affairs.
When others mentioned this before, no matter how reasonable they thought, I was not moved. But in the past two years, due to the gradual expansion of the social contact, I sometimes feel discouraged, some things are like a soft knife cutting meat, the power of money, a better life, these days, I can see more . And I'm almost 30. It's time to find a girlfriend, get married, and buy a house. My grandma is 80, and I don't know when I'll get sick. I have to save some money and buy a pension for my parents. Etc., etc. I won't buy the car, because I basically only know QQ...
Look, there are so many things.
I might be able to live a little easier.
I sometimes think so.
Sometimes people say that Banana can only write such hypocritical words. If he is updated like others, will he still have the current results. As a matter of fact, when I YY sometimes, the quality may not be as good, and the results may only be better. What I have seen in writing books over the years, the requirements of readers are really not high.
What I usually do, it is tangled to say, in fact, just put the standard to 11 points when I am very capable, and I want to surpass myself a little at any time, strangling a little, so that I can gradually improve.
When I was 50 years old, I wanted to write a book that satisfies me, so I have been practicing writing for decades. If I can make progress, I will be fruitful after struggling for half a year. If I am mediocre and complacent, I will write a million words. , is also a waste.
These are all clichés, but this year, I have really been confused the most times. I don’t know if what I am doing now can be rewarded in the future. If I give up so many things that are at my fingertips, In the future, nothing can be accomplished, so what should we do
Well, the grumbling ends here.
In the second half of last year, I completed the Liangshan section of Water Margin with a quick update—it was not the result of compromise, but because of long-term deliberation, and finding a balance between update and quality is what I have been doing since Hidden Kill— After I finished writing the Liangshan plot, I was going to continue writing it in one go, but there was a problem at the time, a serious problem: after the protagonist broke Liangshan, I didn’t have any pictures in my mind during the entire episode spanning the plot.
When I write a book, the plot is usually composed of images or feelings that I want to express, but the fifth episode is the one I am writing now. Except for a general concept that I need to express, I have everything in my mind. No. I know where the plot will develop - the plot of the son-in-law is huge, the beginnings and transitions are very complicated, and the current outline is quite complete. But before I took on the next picture, this section was completely empty. I needed one or two bridges as big as Hangzhou or Liangshan to fill in, but at that time I only knew what I needed to express, but I didn’t Any elaborate specific plot.
The reason why I swore at that time was because I thought of a possible solution, and I read some Song Dynasty books. Researched some famous people. I think it takes a lot of ingenious ideas to create the protagonist or the main supporting role, but the secondary supporting roles like Tang Ke, Wu Min and Geng Nanzhong can also have a lot of roles in the future. Clever plot scatter lines. By wrapping them around the main thread to thicken the main thread, and then quantitatively changing the quality when the time is right, I have a ton of plots to write—and they need to be written anyway.
But then it still failed. When I stared at these various supporting characters that needed to be written looking for "generally ingenious" plots, they didn't appear at all, only really good plots were accumulating, Yue Fei's, Lin Chong's, Zhou Tong's, Ann Xifu's... I think my blood boils. But there are still a few more episodes left until these episodes are written...
In fact, I originally thought that after solving the update problem, I could also write an argumentative essay on "How does my brother make the plot smooth and thick"...
There's one thing I want to confess: I've been really lazy lately.
Laziness started in March. In the past, I stopped updating, occasionally explaining the reasons, and occasionally not explaining. I shamelessly said to people: "The reasons I said are all true, because there is no need to lie, because it is better to lie. I can say nothing. "In the past, I had a clear conscience, no matter how long I was interrupted, I was really struggling with words and plots. When I couldn't write it, it was me who suffered the most. I was upside down and insomnia, and I couldn't eat anything. Instead, when I can write it, everything works fine for me.
However, the younger brother has gone out to work in March.
My brother was nine and a half years younger than me, and he had a bad life as a child. I have nephrotic syndrome, and my family has been greatly affected by it. With such a big age gap, we are basically people from two eras. It can be said that he was taught by me. Our brothers have very different personalities. He is quite obedient, but he doesn't like to study. After graduating from junior high school, he went to technical secondary school. After a while, he wanted to drop out of school. At that time, I told him, if you really don't want to go to school, you can go out to work. I will pay you back if you want to go to school within a year. After working for a few months, I went back again. After studying for more than a year, I dropped out of school again. I told him that this time you think clearly, you will have no chance. He still dropped out of school last year.
But I'm not too worried about this. I used to think that I was too introverted, so I subconsciously taught him to make more friends. Now he has friends everywhere, and he can get along with anyone. He exercises all day long, and is popular with girls. He has entered the society like this. enough. More lessons need to be learned after he has experienced more bumps, but men, always have to endure these.
He played at home for a year, and went out to work at the end of March today, working as an assembly line in a factory of Changfeng Group. Occasionally come back, and often show me how powerful he is. He is the one at the head of the assembly line. He is very strong. He can do twice the workload when listening to music. The people below are so tired that the assembly line stops repeatedly. Later, he ran over to follow him. He said "we are time-based and not piece-based", and he mercifully did things slowly.
I hope he can walk out of a different life from mine.
When I realized this, I thought, maybe a new day will follow. For a long time, our family has not been doing well. Since my brother was sick, everything has been going downhill. My parents are very good people. Even if they didn't make a lot of money, they still cured my brother. Even in the most difficult times, I never gave up on a disease that was almost impossible to cure. If it was my responsibility after that, I think I came over with gritted teeth.
Sometimes, when something is persuading me to compromise, I will think of the year when my hair fell out. I think, the hardest time has come, how hard can it be now
On March 25th, Diablo 3 opened a new expansion pack, and I was addicted to it for more than half a month.
I haven't been addicted to games for years.
Over the years, even during my favorite days of World of Warcraft, I couldn't play for two hours at a time, and there was always a voice in my heart saying: I haven't written the word yet.
Sorry, I've been really lazy lately.
On April 12th, I was invited by a friend to participate in an activity called Baili Yixing. On the first day, I walked from Changsha to Xiangtan, and on the second day, I walked from Xiangtan to Zhuzhou. A total of more than 100 kilometers of travel.
Of course, I didn't finish the walk. Most of the participants in this kind of activity were college students. On the first day, I walked more than 60 kilometers. It looked like I walked more than 50 kilometers. Although I didn't finish it, I was still very happy. Wow, I haven't walked for so many years. Exercising, I can still go so far...
The next day, the two legs below the waist were painful to death. During this process, I listened to the song and roughly determined the plot of the fifth episode. I felt that it should be taken from Wang Zhengliang's "Where has the time gone?" , not exactly the feeling of the song, only a part of it.
The plot has not been fully clarified to this day, mainly because I am still outside. I'm in Guangzhou, I'm going to Stefanie Sun's concert tomorrow, and I'll go home the day after. The concert was invited by a classmate. As a post-80s generation, we have a special feeling for Stefanie Sun. My classmate said, "The first time I listen to the concert, I want to dedicate it to Stefanie Sun." I also like Stefanie Sun, and my favorite is "Escape":
"Only you can make yourself shine."
I really don't want to write so slowly.
I am twenty-nine years old, and I am already in the thirtieth year of my life. Standing at 30, at this age, even if you are young, you have no position, but what you have to do in one's life may have just begun. I'll try to write as fast as possible, but that's okay, we may still have decades to get along.
Ah, my weird temper, let's not change it.
Sincerely, salute.
Angry Banana, in the early morning of April 26, 2014.