1,
I occasionally recall images from the past.
If you put the time in my elementary school, it would often be a sunny day in the summer vacation. I was lying on the bed with a mat on the second floor of the rental house, facing the large rusted window, and outside the window there was a sky with clouds. , In the summer, the white clouds are like flakes. I look up at the clouds, imagining that they are changing creatures, what kind of stories are being played, and then I will slowly fall asleep in this imagination.
There is a big tree outside the window, and the big tree used to have a wall. On the other side of the wall is a pig farm and the huge septic tank it brings. Occasionally, there is an unpleasant smell in summer. But there is no smell in the memory, only the feeling of the wind blowing into the house.
The memory will become cool because of the wind. I lay on the bed and read the books I borrowed from friends one by one: I read San Mao, The Adventures of Hal Roger, and Home. , "Spring", "Autumn", after reading Gorky's "Childhood"...
Junior high school is often a summer afternoon when school starts. If the memories of elementary school are accompanied by the blue sky and wind, the junior high school is always the golden yellow of sunlight and dirt paths. I live in my grandparents’ house, with four walls of cement, a fan on the ceiling, and a living room. There are vertical cabinets, corner cabinets, tables and chairs, sofas, coffee tables, and TV sets. There are maps of China and the world posted on one side of the wall. Entering the next room, there are walls for placing kettles, cooling kettles, photo frames and various small objects. cabinet…
The time was one forty-five. After lunch, the sound of the cctv5 program "All Over the Years of Chinese Football" came from the TV. For a while, I was obsessed with listening to the ending song of this show before going to school. I still remember the lyrics of the song: we have met each other for many years, every day for many years, we met yesterday and met tomorrow, year after year, year after year, you will always be The face I look at, my world retains spring for you...
In retrospect, it seems to be the World Cup in 1998. My enthusiasm for football only stopped at that time. Maybe this song is my favorite, but after listening to the song, I might be late. When I came out and asked why I didn't go to school, I put down the last few lines of the song and rushed out of the door, running on my way to school at noon.
My grandfather has long since passed away, and my memory is of my grandmother twenty years ago. Grandma is now eighty-six years old. Yesterday morning, she walked two miles with a bag of things and came to see me and said, "Tomorrow your birthday, your parents told me not to quarrel with you, I'll bring some dirt eggs for me. You." There was a bag of walnut powder in the bag, two boxes of eggs bought in the supermarket, and a pig's stomach. Later, I took the dog and walked back with my grandma, and had a meal at home. My parents and grandma talked about it. I went to Jinggang to play with Juzizhoutou on May 1st.
Grandma's body is still healthy now, but she suffers from brain atrophy and has to take medicine all the time. After her grandfather passed away, she has always been lonely. Sometimes she worries about things that I don't have money for, and then also worries about her brother's job and future. She often wants to go back. I went to the place where I used to live, but there are no friends or relatives there anymore. After the age of 80, it is difficult to do long-distance travel.
I haven't had a birthday for many years, and if possible, the gift I most desire on my birthday is a good night's sleep.
But actually can't sleep.
2,
What is the picture of high school
In high school, it was noon and afternoon on a cloudy day. I came out of the school with a bookstore on one side and an Internet cafe on the other. People came out of the school gate like a weave. I counted the little money in my pocket, went to eat a little something, and then rented books to read. I read all the books in the four or five bookstores near the school, and later learned to read books online.
At that time, my grandfather passed away, my brother's condition was good and bad, the family sold everything that could be sold, and I was often hungry. I occasionally looked back at the few photos I left in high school, and the photos were all rebellious. Cold face, I don't like these pictures because I can't actually pay for them.
After high school, I stopped studying and worked part-time for two to three years, but it was always short in my memory. I can remember the expressway on the outskirts of Foshan. On one side of the road was a ceramics factory and on the other side was a small village. The gray night sky was dotted with stars. In the Internet cafe, I started to write down the plot that came to my mind when I was working.
That is "Exotic Survival Diary".
After more than ten years, it was a long writing in a closed room. During this period, I experienced some things, made some friends, and saw some places, but I did not have a firm memory. In a blink of an eye, it is now.
I'm thirty-four now, which is an odd age group.
Thirty-four years old go forward thirty-three, then thirty-two... Although the number is clear and clear, before this, I always felt that I was a young man who had just left the age of twenty, but when I realized the number of thirty-four At that time, I always felt that the 1920s, which should be my own subject, suddenly passed away.
It was like in the blink of an eye, becoming a middle-aged person.
3.
Looking back on the past year, many things did not make me feel too much, and many things are not worth remembering in my opinion, but compared to my entire twenties, the past year, maybe I Going out the most: I participated in some activities, joined several associations, won two awards, and even sold the copyright to my son-in-law... But in fact, I can't recall the feeling at that time, maybe I was happy at the time, Now that I think about it, except for tiredness, many times there is nothing left.
I had a wedding with my wife in May last year. The wedding was a supplementary event. In my opinion, it was just a passing scene. However, the night before the wedding, I still carefully prepared the proposal. I don’t know how enthusiastic the proposals at other weddings are. In the marriage proposal, it said: "… life is very difficult, but if two people work together, maybe one day, we can come to an understanding with it."
At first I wanted to say, "One day we'll beat it." But in fact we can't beat it, and maybe the best outcome is just understanding and not having to hate each other. That's when I realized that for a long time, I hated my life and tried so hard to beat it.
How on earth did I become my thirty-four-year-old self? I can't capture the specific process, but I can only see various features: I have fatty liver, and gallstones were suddenly discovered when I went to the hospital for a physical examination two years ago. I lost a lot of hair as a result of constant suffering at the age of twenty-five, which I have mentioned in previous articles and will not be repeated here.
I mentioned going to bed on my birthday above, that's not pretentious, I haven't had a good night's sleep for years. In retrospect, in the first half of my twenties, I used to write books upside down, day and night, and sometimes I was very tired from writing, so I slept with my head covered, and I would sleep fourteen all the time. Hours or even eighteen hours, after waking up, my whole body is swaying, so I go to take a shower, and then I return to this world full of energy.
It's been a while since I experienced what dreamless sleep feels like. In the case of extreme use of the brain, I experience the shallowest sleep every day, and all kinds of dreams will continue forever. consciously woke up.
When I was very young, I longed for the goddess of literature to one day favor me. My brain is very useful, but I have never been good at writing articles, so I have to keep thinking about it, and one day I finally find another way The method of the world, I focus my best attention on it, till now, I already know how to see these things more clearly, but at the same time, it is like the golden hoop that Goddess of Mercy put on the supreme treasure...
To get something, we always have to give more.
4.
The day I realized that I was thirty-four was one night in April this year. At that time, I said that I would challenge twenty more. One night, I wrote half a chapter, and I felt that I could finish it the next day, so I sent the order. The chapter was announced, but it was overturned the next day, and I sent another single chapter, saying that it was postponed by one day.
That night I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep because I broke my promise.
In the years of writing this article, many people have said that the psychological quality of bananas is so good that they can never take readers seriously. In fact, for me, I also want to be an honest, trustworthy and even popular person with long sleeves and good dance, but in fact, that is just impossible. Books are the most important, readers are second, and then maybe me, Before writing, my integrity, my image, were insignificant.
But the things that should be felt are actually not less at all.
I sent a single chapter with an empty window at 12 o'clock, and I was in bed until 4 o'clock in the morning. My wife was probably arguing enough with me, so I simply walked to the study next door with the quilt in my arms and lay on the sofa chair reading a book. , but still can't sleep.
I looked at Wangcheng at night through the floor-to-ceiling windows. The street lamps were all on. Downstairs was a construction site. The huge incandescent lamps were dazzlingly bright against the sky. But no one was in sight, and everyone was asleep.
At this time, it is very difficult for me to stay up late, which will make me feel down for the whole second day, but why can't I fall asleep? I think of myself who could sleep for 18 hours before, and I think about the past all the way, high school, junior high school, elementary school...
I suddenly remembered a brain teaser I saw when I was a child. The title was this: "How far can a person walk in the forest?"
The answer is: half the forest.
…
How long ago was that memory? Maybe twenty years ago. The first time I participated in the spring outing held by my class, on a cloudy day, my classmates took a bus from school to the suburbs. A good friend at that time brought a ham sausage and gave me half of it. It was the first time in my life. Eat something so delicious. During the spring outing, as a study committee member, I threw the prepared notes with various questions into the grass. The students picked up the questions and answered them correctly, and they could win various small prizes.
Those questions are all copied from the brain teaser book at home. I have forgotten all the other questions now, only that one question, I have always remembered clearly for so many years.
"How far can one go into the forest alone
half of the forest.
Why: Because for the remaining half, you're walking out of the woods. "
Since I was a child, I have always felt that this question is the author's cleverness, and it is not true at all. It is just a superficial word. Perhaps that is why I have always been entangled in this question and this answer. But on the night when I was approaching thirty-four, irritable and insomnia, this question suddenly popped into my mind, like it was beating me desperately to make me understand it.
Because of the remaining half, you are walking out of the forest.
…
I felt like I was hit with a hammer. I don't know when, I went back to bed and fell asleep slowly.
5.
I have repeatedly written about the weight of time in books, but perhaps the one night that really made me deeply understand that weight was the night a month ago.
I suddenly realized how many things I had lost, how many possibilities, and in the process of immersing myself in writing, I suddenly became a middle-aged man of thirty-four. This process is, after all, irretrievable.
I can't get enough of this stuff, and for the next month, I think if everyone is going to inevitably get out of the woods, maybe it's not a negative thing either, that's what made me think about the images So meaningful, what makes the things in front of me so meaningful.
Just sad.
I have not yet made an understanding with the world, and that must be extremely complicated work.
In an online interview a few days later, the reporter asked: What is the most painful thing you have encountered in writing
I replied: Every day is painful, every day has problems that need to be made up, it is easy to solve problems, but new problems are bound to emerge one after another. I fantasize that one day I will be able to have a smooth writing style and be able to write a perfect article with ease, but in recent years I realized that it is impossible, I can only accept this pain, and then slowly solve it In its process, seek corresponding satisfaction.
I think I'm going to enjoy this pain at the end of the day until I'm fifty. I've said many times before that I'll be writing until I'm fifty, when I didn't expect that age to be so close. It's only been sixteen years, and maybe in the moment when I bury my head at the desk, everything is gone in an instant.
Cherish the present. If you have been able to sleep for 18 hours, I will not understand the troubles he will suffer in the future, just as we who walk into the forest will not understand the preciousness of the journey under our feet.
6.
In the second half of last year, I went to Hangzhou.
On the high-speed train back from Hangzhou, an old couple sat in the front row. They lowered the backs of their chairs and lay there. The old woman kept her upper body resting on her husband's chest, and the husband put his arms around her. Point to the view outside the window.
I had fun watching it and left pictures.
My wife sat next to me and had been taking care of her body for half a year, and her weight once reached 43 kilograms. She told me that there was a puppy, and she decided to buy it. I said yes, you can keep it when you are ready.
Not long after, we got a Border Collie, one of the smartest and most physically active dogs, who turned the house into a mess for a while.
Before the end of last year, when I was cutting the computer tie, I stabbed myself in the hand, and it took half a month to heal.
On the second day of the new year, Bian Mu Xiaoxiong jumped out of the back seat window of the car, and his hind leg was taken a bit, and it was broken. After almost two months of tossing, the leg injury was just right, and he was infected with coronavirus, coccidia, etc. All kinds of troubles, of course, these have passed.
The decoration started in March. In April, my wife opened a small flower shop. Every day I went there to pack flowers, and I occasionally went to sit.
After the dog recovered, I started taking it out every day. My belly has become smaller. It is much better now than when I was the fattest, but I still have a double chin. I was told by my wife a few days ago.
April has passed, May has come again, the weather is getting better, I can't drive, and my wife is using the golf at home. She went to Baohua every day, and came back at night, sometimes very tired. I rode an electric motorcycle, she sat in the back seat, and we started to go for a drive along the streets of Wangcheng at night.
When electric cars first started, we used electric cars to drive around the streets and alleys of Wangcheng every day. We have been to many places, but this year, several new roads have opened.
What we are familiar with is gradually changing.
What I once talked about was like the park with the lakeside villa. The vegetation is getting deeper and deeper. Sometimes when we walk there, the shade of the trees is deep and the leaves are all over the floor, just like walking in the woods with outdated facilities. When it is too late, we will stop. go in.
We found several new parks or fields, often without people, and occasionally we brought our dogs here, near the newly built government park, farther to the river in Wangcheng, near the huge lock next to the dam There are large tracts of wild land, and there are footpaths that have been built for many years but no one has visited them. Walking along the way is like a novel adventure. There are abandoned wooden shelves next to the trail that are enough for weddings. Beside the wooden shelves, lush wisteria flowers are hanging down from the tree trunks, which is extraordinarily quiet in the evening.
A school in Wangcheng built a new campus. From a distance, the rows of teaching buildings and dormitories look like gorgeous Russian-style castles. My wife and I occasionally drove around in electric cars, and couldn’t help but sigh, if we went to school here, It must be a good love affair.
The commercial street next to the old school was demolished, and the Peng’s Lo-Mei, which my wife once liked to patronize, is no longer to be found. We stopped at the street several times and returned helplessly. And more new shops and restaurants have opened on the streets of Wangcheng. Looking around, they are all bright and brightly lit.
Perhaps the world will continue to change and bring forth the new.
At seven months old, the dog is becoming more energetic and, in some ways, more obedient every day.
Every day I listen to music and go out to walk the dog. The first piece of music I click is often Xiao Ke's "Put it down gently". One of my favorite lyrics is this:
In the face of endless years, who can do anything.