It's late at night, it's quiet, and I can't sleep, so just write something. (-.79xs.-
I haven't updated again today. It's not that I can't write anything or think of a plot, but I just have an inexplicable emotion. I can't tell whether it's irritability, laziness, or confusion. Anyway, I just don't want to open the house, don't want to write, and there is a force deep in my heart that resists.
This state lasted for a long, long time, so long that I can’t remember. Three months, four months, or five months? But recently, it has become more and more serious, so serious that it makes me feel hopeless.
I'm wondering what the problem is.
I didn't think about this problem carefully before. I just browsed the web, watched videos, read books, and let time waste little by little. Then I regretted and blamed myself for wasting time again. I must update it tomorrow, write three chapters, write four chapters, write five chapters... But when I woke up the next day, it was still the same as before.
During the day today, I was thinking about what the problem was.
I feel that if this issue cannot be understood clearly, even if the old book is finished, the new book may not be able to regain its original state, which is a very dangerous thing. Why, the situation that cannot be solved now can be solved by opening a new book. Just like I always feel that if I owe one chapter today, I can make up for it in three chapters tomorrow. I can't even write two chapters today, why do I think I can write three chapters tomorrow? Very stupid and naive, it’s really pointless to lie to yourself.
So I was thinking about what caused me to fall into the current depressed state.
The first thing that comes to my mind is ambition. Maybe I don’t have ambition and I don’t have enough desire for money. My previous dream was simply to be able to write a book. No matter whether it was good or bad, just write a book. But now, not only can I write books, but I can also make money. My dream has been exceeded.
And then...what other dreams do you have, to become a great god? To be honest, deep down in my heart I am quite pessimistic about the online literary world. I think the Internet will definitely continue to develop and progress. There will be good books one after another, but there will no longer be true masters. No matter how good your writing is, no matter how good your grades are, you will not become the next Tiancan Tudou, or become a dream machine.
In addition, I am a person who is easily satisfied. I am not ambitious enough and find motivation hard to find.
What other reason could there be besides ambition
I feel lazy and tired. Day after day, I am locked in a small house and write a book alone. In reality, I don’t have any friends. It was okay at the beginning, but over the past three years, this loneliness has accumulated and exploded together. It is difficult to solve it by personal will.
And what else... Maybe there is another very important point, maybe I don't know how to finish the book. This is my first time writing a book, and I really don’t have much experience. I always think about where to write, so now I can’t get rid of the tail, and it doesn’t feel round no matter how round it is. The completion of the book seems to be far away. Then I fall into a vicious cycle. The more I think about finishing the book, the more I can't finish it, and then the more irritable I become...
I used to write very passionately, and the wonderful chapters I wrote would make my whole body feel excited. I am eager to know everyone's comments and to see everyone praise me. I would deliberately ask people in the group how I wrote this chapter... In fact, I know that my writing is very good, and I just want to be praised. I would secretly look at the comments below on the forum, and I would feel happy when I saw the compliments.
The happiest thing in the past was to finish writing two chapters, eat instant noodles, and watch a movie with peace of mind. Because it has always been like this. If I can't write more than two chapters, I feel guilty and unhappy.
In the past, when I got up every day, I would check the background data, read the comments of book friends, and read every comment.
Now it has faded away, and many things are very boring. It feels like there is no expectation in life. Tomorrow will still be the same as today. It will still be like this in one month. It will still be like this in three years...
Because that's how I came here. In 2012, I had a computer and an empty room. Three years later, in 2016, I didn't change much.
When I said the above paragraph, I felt that it was quite pretentious. Things are much better now than three years ago, and I am still not satisfied...
But then I thought about it, if I hadn't been so pretentious, I probably wouldn't have been able to write a book. I couldn't have written Xianwu. I still have to thank the pretentiousness.
I also thought of something I once said, that the code words are the last thing I want to face, but it is only in the code words that I can truly get a moment of tranquility.
After all, it’s still hypocritical.
I figured out where the problem lies, why it can’t be updated, why it’s in poor condition... There are thousands of reasons and excuses, and they are all hypocritical when combined into two words.
I’m not sure if I’ve crossed this hurdle, I’ll look back at myself in a few years. I stayed up all night and wrote this stupid article, maybe I would die laughing.
Who can live without troubles in this world? Never feel how special your suffering is. You and I are all mortals.
At the end of writing...it became chicken soup for myself again, and I was also drunk. After finishing this bowl of chicken soup that I made myself, go to bed quickly. Go to bed early and wake up early. I wish myself a speedy recovery.
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