Suffocating, Renly just felt a dull suffocation in his chest, breathing the moist and cold air in a big mouth, he could clearly feel a slight tingling sensation in his entire lung, but he still felt breathless, as if a lump The boulder was pressing heavily against his chest, but it was just beating his heart in such a dull way that it was uncomfortably dull.
Lying in bed / on the bed, the feeling of suffocation that sinks into the bottom of the lake swarms from all directions, the dark blue lake water drills into the body along the pores, icy cold, the air bubbles overflow from the corners of the mouth one by one, and the oxygen disappears. The repression made the chest almost burst open, trying to struggle, but the limbs could not use any strength, and could only wave in vain.
Choking, just suffocating.
So, he left the room, the crowd, the photography base, and quietly disappeared into the night. He needed a little fresh air, a little private space, a little quiet...
Honestly, he doesn't know what he needs either; honestly, he misses Heather Cross a little bit, Matthew Dunlop a little bit, maybe Paul Walker and Ryan Gosling, and he kinda misses company friends around you. Like Ryan Stone of "Gravity," he began to miss the fetters of life, and the reality of gravity.
Renly still clearly remembers that after the filming of "Crazy in Love", he fell ill and was groggy and unable to escape the story of Jacob and Anna, as if he had just ended a crazy love affair. The heartache was so painful that I couldn't breathe, and the dull suffocation was always lingering, but it couldn't be relieved.
Today, he felt it again. But it's different.
He couldn't describe it, couldn't express it.
Maybe, it's just because he has never been in love like Jacob's crazy and fiery love, but like Ryan Stone, he really feels the struggle on the line of death, so the resonance of empathy is still different after all; maybe, again It's because in this character, he projected so much of himself and Heather's story that he blurred the lines between character and reality.
Maybe all of them, maybe not. There are countless threads in the chaotic thoughts in my mind, one on the left and one on the right, a thought has just emerged, another thought has been cut off, the whole brain has begun to swell up, it is aching, and it is impossible to calm down. Come down and think.
This immersive feeling of being deeply immersed in it is more turbulent and more real than any previous work, and at the same time it is clearer. His brain is extremely aware of the whole process and all the details, magnifying the pain, but still helpless. .
From a positive point of view, the control of the performance is further improved; from a negative point of view... the torture and torment are also more unbearable. However, if he did it all over again, he would still choose this path without hesitation.
Perhaps, he is indeed a lunatic; even if he is not now, it is not far off.
After the pain broke through a limit, it gradually became accustomed to it, and the thoughts were still scattered, but it seemed that the pain had begun to shift; looking down at the guitar in his arms, he couldn't help laughing.
To be honest, Renly didn't know why he brought his guitar out. In the past few hours, many blank fragments of memory appeared in his brain, from the set, the filming, the performance, the memory began to become fragmented, one after another, Even the time line was disrupted, and there was no clue.
It was the same just now. I didn't even realize that I had a guitar in my mind. When I realized it, the guitar was already in my arms. The jammed and crowded brain really couldn't sort out my thoughts, and the fragments of musical notes were meaninglessly sketched on my fingertips. Flowing out from below, it is not a chapter, nor does it conform to the music theory, it is just a simple fragment.
However, the clear and clean strings of the guitar brought a hint of chill and coldness, flowing slowly under the moonlight, like a gurgling stream, passing through bluestones, tree roots, water plants and fish, even in the night. The dense fog and fireflies began to dance along with the musical symbols, and before you knew it, the heat and dullness in your chest eased a little.
This reminds Renly of the days when the "War in the Pacific" crew worked, with a group of people around a campfire, playing guitars and singing loudly, relieving the pressure of filming. It's one of their few forms of entertainment.
The touch of the fingertips and the strings can clearly feel the force of the strings pressing the fingertips, and then lightly hooked, the boulder squeezed on the chest seemed to be relieved, and the simple chords collided together. Together, some harmonious, some not, but gradually began to converge.
Just like a gurgling stream, it travels through sharpness and bumps, rushes towards the far end, and finally merges into a dark blue lake—or the sea surface, which can’t be distinguished in the night, only a piece of shimmering waves can be seen. The sparkling water, cold and calm, was calling him to jump into it, get rid of all shackles, break free from all shackles, and be completely integrated with the water.
"Don't, don't punish me for what I feel; don't, don't punish me for the torment of my soul."
Naturally, the singing flowed along the melody, humming softly, the bitterness and loneliness in the eyes were revealed like this, mixed in the musical symbols, the suffocation suddenly surged, and the fingertips could not help but straighten up. , clasped the strings tightly, the muscles all over his body were tensed to the extreme, the pain and sadness seemed to begin to swell, and it was on the verge of an explosion.
That emotion came so violently, I was caught off guard, and I was helpless; but then it disappeared in an instant, disappeared without a trace, I couldn't help but closed my eyes, let out a long, long breath, and the whole person slowly became quiet. down.
I didn't open my eyes, I just enjoyed the tide-like feeling brought by the boundless darkness. It seemed that only the lake water could keep my mind calm. Jian followed the flow of thoughts and began to outline again.
"Tired of curling up and sleeping on the street late at night, busy working at the bus station until early morning; exhausted waiting for the first ray of morning light, when it falls, the direction of the footsteps is still dark."
Renly seemed to be walking in the desert and Gobi of Route 66, walking along the road, exhausted physically and mentally and staggering. Over time, this gradually became a habit.
The sun rises behind him, the sun dissipates the darkness and covers the earth, but the footsteps are really too slow. The direction of progress is still darkness, the boundless darkness, strictly covering the whole world, can't see the end, can't see the front. , with no end in sight, not even tomorrow.
There is no future and no hope. As I walked, my footsteps became heavier and heavier, almost unable to move.
"Don't, don't punish me for what I feel; don't, don't punish me for the torment of my soul."
Before the musical talisman fell, his voice began to tremble slightly, that strong suffocation was surging on his body and soul, and the raging flames were getting more and more ferocious, almost turning him into ashes." So, I crawled out of the back door, broke free of these suffocating pretense, and jumped into the water, and I jumped into the water, The-Water."
With his eyes tightly closed, Ren Li seemed to be able to hear the sound of the strong wind in his ears. He ran and ran wildly. After running to the extreme, it seemed that even the gust of wind was surging under his feet, and then the whole person gently swayed. jump-
Soaring into the sky, soaring in the wind, he can fly freely above the sky with open arms, the whole vast sky is his domain; gliding to the end, he got into the heartbreaking blue sky. In the middle, the gentle lake water seemed to open its arms, wrapping him tightly, cold but warm.
At this moment, he was finally free.
"The evil devil was roaring on the TV, so I sold it on Sixteenth Street, but I still heard the drone noise, and now I'm going to skip the night shift tonight, you think I can meet a van A car? I don't care where the road is."
To escape, he just wanted to run wild, turn around and leave the muddy swamp of pain and struggle, find a ray of light in the endless darkness, no direction, no goal, and no future, just a faint ray The hope is enough, but in the sight, everything is darkness, he is struggling and resisting, but to no avail.
Worse still, he was alone.
"Don't, don't punish me for what I feel inside; don't, don't punish me for the torment of my soul. So I crawl out the back door, break free of these suffocating pretences, and leap into the water."
The fingertips stopped, trembling slightly, the rolling night was everywhere, grabbed his ankle, the bloody breath was licking his skin, he struggled, desperately fleeing, the fingertips sketched again, The mixed and deep emotions were vented along the singing, "So I crawled out of the back door, broke free of these suffocating pretences, and jumped into the water, a deep pool of water."
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The world, quieted down, all the noise disappeared, only the sound of gurgling water surging in his ears, obeying the guidance of that voice, he slapped his legs hard, looking for the other side of hope, and also looking for The habitat of the mind.
"My face is getting numb, my lungs are getting suffocated, but I'm still kicking my legs until I reach the other side; I'm still sleeping on your porch, and I'm still afraid of breaking the shackles of your door."
Singing and singing, the tense lines of the shoulders are stretched little by little, the restrained pressure of the chest is opened little by little, the voice full of sighs and loneliness ignites a smile, gently and slowly at the corner of the mouth. Carefully sketched, bitter but bright,
"So, I crawled out of the back door, broke free of these suffocating disguise, and jumped into the water, I jumped into the water, a deep pool."
The moment he jumped into the water, he was free.
Note: Deep Water (Water—Ra-Ra-Riot)